Husband Says He can't afford a gift?

[Grumpy1818]

So, its my birthday in two weeks time. My husband asked me about my birthday and asked what I wanted to do I said I would be happy just getting a take away from our favourite resturant. He replied I can't afford that. Its around £35 I would say max. id been hinting about some earrings which are around £25 so I asked if he was getting me anything to which he replies 'a card' I can't afford anything with it being just Christmas which is laughable as we buy them out of the joint account and I purposely save thought the year to pay for xmas he hasn't had to use any of his own money or savings.

We have the SAME argument every year for the past 8 years. I tell him he knows when my birthday is its always fear xmas previous years I have even suggested he puts money in an envelope every month say £5/£10 to be able to do something nice.

For context we have a good household income probably a little more than average. we don't live an extravagant lifestyle. we save money every month and by no means hard up we have plenty of joint savings.

But he's saying he a bit tight on cash this month (which may be the case as we did more social events in December)but this is the same story every birthday we have had together. we have joint saving and our own separate savings. we are not rich but we are by no means poor.

AIBU To think my Husband after 8 years should be Able to save or take out of savings £60 and put it back next month etc?

YANBU and I would be concerned he appears to have no savings behind him he can dip into

Personally I would not be buying him anything this year other than a card and spend that money on myself. I wouldn’t tell him I would just hand the card over, then if he says anything just say I thought we were not buying birthday presents any more and move on

People who have savings aren’t broke or hard up for cash no. If he does it every year I would be suspicious of what he is doing with his money that he thinks is more important. What do you do on his birthday? Maybe you should go down to a card only for him and see if that gets the message across.

It seems cruel that he asks you what you want for/ want to do for your birthday only to shoot down your (very reasonable) suggestions.

This would probably upset me even more than the false protestations of hardship.

Don't buy him birthday or Christmas presents ever again.

Wow, YANBU, my DH buys takeaways, meals out every weekend! I mean he does have a job that means I am running the ship and he kind of owes me. I also said I didn't want anything for Christmas and he bought me a lovely necklace.

I can't imagine having savings and not being prepared to dip in and reimburse next month!

This would really annoy me. My DSs birthday is in December and the amount of people who said to me how hard it was didnt get it that his birthday is the same date each year and it isnt a surprise. Why should he get less because Christmas is around the corner?

The same with you. Birthdays are the one day the day is about celebrating you! Your DH just doesn't care enough to make the minimal effort.

@koalacat

Also he is abusive. He consciously and deliberately wants you to feel worthless. Of course he’s got £60. What a bastard.

This. As Pp have said, it takes a conscious effort to be this nasty.

Get the takeaway you want to enjoy with friends.

It's my birthday in a week I would be really annoyed with my DH if he did this!! I know it's just after Christmas but that's not a surprise, it always has been.
Tell him you want him to make some effort.

That’s grim. Does he have any redeeming features? It’s the thought that counts and he is entirely indifferent. I’d be thinking of an exit plan.

On his next birthday i would buy those earrings for myself and wrap them up for him to open. He sounds like he doesnt care about you at all.

This would really annoy me. My DSs birthday is in December and the amount of people who said to me how hard it was didnt get it that his birthday is the same date each year and it isnt a surprise. Why should he get less because Christmas is around the corner?

Ds has a dec birthday. On his first birthday SIL said ‘can I do a joint Christmas present?’ To which I said ‘as long as I can do the same for your children’s birthdays in June’. There has never been a joint Christmas present.

£5??? Fucks sake that's an insult!
He sounds horrid !

YANBU, he sounds like he's just being a tight bastard.

@Morechocmorechoc

I hope you don't get gim anything for his.

This. Not even a card.

Just buy it yourself, OP, and when it’s his birthday, tell him, sorry, but you’re a bit short.
I’m afraid he does sound like a mean git, though.

That is awful. If you are not struggling, you have savings and he cannot afford 35 pounds on a gift for his wife he doesn't value you.

A £35 meal and a £25 pair of earrings is quite a big birthday present. I would say one or the other.

But as PPs have said, it's not the cost of the gift, it's the thought that counts. For DH's birthday (late Dec), I got him a new French press because his old one was broken. I spent ages looking at the things (I am not a coffee drinker) and he's really chuffed. It was only £20 but it's definitely the thought that counts. I also 'helped' 3yo DS to make a card and a cake to make the day special, that maybe cost £5.

A £35 meal and a £25 pair of earrings is quite a big birthday present. I would say one or the other

But for people who have the disposable income of the sort that the OP is talking about, where they can afford to have savings, a meal out/takeaway and a smallish gift isn't an unaffordable extravagence.

Many people would have a takeaway or a meal out costing more than £35 each week, even if it wasn't a special occasion.

I dont understand why you need a present from him?

We dont do gifts for each other (it all comes out of the same pot anyway).

If you want something just get it yourself.

@Itshothothot

I dont understand why you need a present from him?

We dont do gifts for each other (it all comes out of the same pot anyway).

If you want something just get it yourself.

No, you clearly don't understand.

He sounds awful and very miserable. You haven't listed any redeeming qualities - does he have any?

He sounds bloody horrible. Buy yourself a lovely extravagant gift out of the joint money and don’t make any effort whatsoever on his birthday.

Omg he sounds like a mean tight arse. Sorry but that's verging on emotional abuse imo. I'm not saying he needs to spend hundreds and thousands on you but to deny you a present each year just seems deliberate and calculated. Almost like he's trying to hurt you or punish you for something. This isn't a off one... but an annual recurrence. He is taking the piss.

@Itshothothot

I dont understand why you need a present from him?

We dont do gifts for each other (it all comes out of the same pot anyway).

If you want something just get it yourself.

It's not about the gift. It's about the man who's supposed to love her making a tiny little bit of effort for her birthday.

@Shakirawannabe

I bet he can always find the cash for the pub with his mates though

This

OP your dh is either joking or is completely childish. Call him out on it as you deserve to be treated with respect.