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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband Says He can't afford a gift?

152 replies

Grumpy1818 · 09/01/2022 22:17

So, its my birthday in two weeks time. My husband asked me about my birthday and asked what I wanted to do I said I would be happy just getting a take away from our favourite resturant. He replied I can't afford that. Its around £35 I would say max. id been hinting about some earrings which are around £25 so I asked if he was getting me anything to which he replies 'a card' I can't afford anything with it being just Christmas which is laughable as we buy them out of the joint account and I purposely save thought the year to pay for xmas he hasn't had to use any of his own money or savings.

We have the SAME argument every year for the past 8 years. I tell him he knows when my birthday is its always fear xmas previous years I have even suggested he puts money in an envelope every month say £5/£10 to be able to do something nice.

For context we have a good household income probably a little more than average. we don't live an extravagant lifestyle. we save money every month and by no means hard up we have plenty of joint savings.

But he's saying he a bit tight on cash this month (which may be the case as we did more social events in December)but this is the same story every birthday we have had together. we have joint saving and our own separate savings. we are not rich but we are by no means poor.

AIBU To think my Husband after 8 years should be Able to save or take out of savings £60 and put it back next month etc?

OP posts:
MalbecandToast · 10/01/2022 07:07

Why are you still expecting anything? It's been eight years. Buy the earrings yourself and treat yourself to a divorce

StrifeOfBath · 10/01/2022 07:12

What did he expect you to say when he asked what you wanted to do for your birthday? If he can’t afford a takeaway? “Oooh, I’d love a cheese sandwich, on a clean plate. And let’s have some Pringles as it’s a celebration!”

Get the earrings out of the joint account, and go for a meal with a friend.

girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 07:19

I'd ask him where all his moneys gone, as you know he didn't pay for Christmas out of his own pocket.

If it was all spent on socialising at Christmas he's telling you beers with his friends were the priority.

Oblomov22 · 10/01/2022 07:20

He sounds vile. There is no excuse for this. Why do you put up with it? Why haven't you said anything?

Beautiful3 · 10/01/2022 07:23

Check the joint account to make sure you have enough. If you do have enough, take out the cash and buy yourself those things.

spotcheck · 10/01/2022 07:23

Buy yourself the earrings
Book a meal out with friends
Book yourself a day away. Better year, a weekend.

I'd be sadly disappointed if that were my husband

Monty27 · 10/01/2022 07:23

Isn't this financial abuse? The waters run deep here I'd say.
Get rid.

UserBot989 · 10/01/2022 07:29

@updownroundandround

Op, you know he can 'afford' to both buy you the earrings and get a bloody takeaway ! So why ask ?

It's simply that he doesn't want to spend money on you. Sad

He could take it out of savings.
He could budget for your birthday earlier.
He could use the joint money if he wanted to.

He simply doesn't want to, because he doesn't think you're worth spending any cash on, or because he doesn't think your birthday is as important as his, or because he thinks you don't 'deserve' it etc etc

Only you will be able to decide the why.

Better yet, only you get to decide if you're willing to 'put up with' it !

Yes. Forget about him.

Ask yourself why you're tolerating this?

He'll never change, so what are your fears? Identify your fears.

The worst kind of ''poverty'' is when it's somebody else's meanness and parsimony. When you're a single parent, you get to make the decisions about how much gets spent on what.

Feather your own nest, even if it's a gradual process.

Jisforjuggling · 10/01/2022 07:35

I have a friend who has a partner who forgot her 50th. They’ve been together 15 years. He has never made a fuss of her on her birthday or any other time. Every year she hopes he’ll do something nice. He never does. He isn’t going to change. They aren’t married, don’t have kids and she is financially independent, so I have no idea why she stays. Your DH isn’t going to change either, so you need to either accept it or leave.

Wilburisagirl · 10/01/2022 07:42

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Yanbu. I'd say to same to him when it's his birthday and use the money to treat yourself to something nice instead
Exactly this!
Feduprenter · 10/01/2022 07:43

He will be the kind of father who constantly asks if children need ballet lessons or need music lessons or need Wellington boots or another pair of mittens and act exasperated every September do they need a new coat …. Id stab him in his sleep.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 10/01/2022 07:46

Yanbu, especially with the savings system you describe. Is he always like this?

If you genuinely had no money, he could do you vouchers for eg breakfast in bed, a massage, a kindle book, a foot rub - things that require some thought but little/no cash.

UserBot989 · 10/01/2022 07:46

that was my x, he had other faults besides meanness but I had to stand there while he poured over the credit card statement and say, yes they needed a haircut, calpol/ shoes/ fees whatever. So humiliating.
I felt more ''comfortable'' on benefits. Obviously no ballet. No extra ciriculars. But I made the decisions and if the needed 8 euro for a school trip they got 8 euro and there was no appeal for 8 euro while the judge made a final decision.

Such an effing nightmare. I do not miss that.

Billybagpuss · 10/01/2022 07:48

I think my reply would have been, ‘so what do you suggest for my birthday on your budget then or do I really mean that little to you that I deserve nothing’

Foxglovesandlilacs86 · 10/01/2022 07:53

@Feduprenter

He will be the kind of father who constantly asks if children need ballet lessons or need music lessons or need Wellington boots or another pair of mittens and act exasperated every September do they need a new coat …. Id stab him in his sleep.
That really made me laugh Grin
UserBot989 · 10/01/2022 07:57

@HunterHearstHelmsley

YANBU

I have a January birthday and utterly sick of the "no money" rubbish. Last year, I let it go and bought myself a present for him birthday and nothing for him. It did not go down well but I think made my point.

ha ha, like that. You deserved it.
PerseverancePays · 10/01/2022 08:00

His fear of spending his money is greater than his non existent fear of displeasing you.

Sundancerintherain · 10/01/2022 08:01

Another late January Birthday here, it can be pretty shit , one year when I turned 10 all my family ( much older siblings and parents ) had to wait 6 days to buy me anything due to when their pay days fell.
As an adult my ex once borrowed money off his mum for my present, got me a card and a bar of Dairymilk and used the rest to go out on the piss in his own Hmm.
TELL him that you deserve your Birthday treat and present just as much as he does and that he will just have to make it happen.

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 10/01/2022 08:02

My DH’s birthday is in a week or so, and you just have to pop money aside every month to cover it (especially as it’s so close to Christmas).

We’re flush now, but even when we were on the bare bones of our arse I’d squirrel away a few pence a month to get him a little something, it’s just about respecting your partner and making them feel, even if for one day, special.

00100001 · 10/01/2022 08:03

I'd be telling him he is no longer going to be getting birthday presents from me.

UserBot989 · 10/01/2022 08:04

@PerseverancePays

His fear of spending his money is greater than his non existent fear of displeasing you.
Read that again OP.

xx

Deisogn · 10/01/2022 08:08

When people tell you who they are believe them. He is a man who doesn't love you.

Lovemusic33 · 10/01/2022 08:15

Buy yourself the earrings and a take away for one 😉

NotMyDayJob · 10/01/2022 08:25

My mum's birthday was last week, my birthday is next week, and my DHs birthday is about three weeks before Christmas (we also have a wedding anniversary in there too). We all manage to do something and get presents on top of Christmas. The only thing that is lacking is enthusiasm sometimes because it's a lot at once but we all try. If he earns above average and can't get organised to spend £50/60 on you it's because he doesn't want to and he doesn't care it might upset you

CheshireKitten123 · 10/01/2022 08:31

@MalbecandToast

Why are you still expecting anything? It's been eight years. Buy the earrings yourself and treat yourself to a divorce
This ^