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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband Says He can't afford a gift?

152 replies

Grumpy1818 · 09/01/2022 22:17

So, its my birthday in two weeks time. My husband asked me about my birthday and asked what I wanted to do I said I would be happy just getting a take away from our favourite resturant. He replied I can't afford that. Its around £35 I would say max. id been hinting about some earrings which are around £25 so I asked if he was getting me anything to which he replies 'a card' I can't afford anything with it being just Christmas which is laughable as we buy them out of the joint account and I purposely save thought the year to pay for xmas he hasn't had to use any of his own money or savings.

We have the SAME argument every year for the past 8 years. I tell him he knows when my birthday is its always fear xmas previous years I have even suggested he puts money in an envelope every month say £5/£10 to be able to do something nice.

For context we have a good household income probably a little more than average. we don't live an extravagant lifestyle. we save money every month and by no means hard up we have plenty of joint savings.

But he's saying he a bit tight on cash this month (which may be the case as we did more social events in December)but this is the same story every birthday we have had together. we have joint saving and our own separate savings. we are not rich but we are by no means poor.

AIBU To think my Husband after 8 years should be Able to save or take out of savings £60 and put it back next month etc?

OP posts:
XiCi · 09/01/2022 22:42

He sounds awful. Treat yourself to the earrings from your joint account and go out for a meal/drinks with friends to celebrate

lolly07766 · 09/01/2022 22:42

@Gettingthereslowly2020

YABU for putting up with this for 8 years. You deserve to be appreciated. You deserve those £25 earrings and the £35 takeaway and a whole lot more. If your own husband can't even make an effort to show he cares at special occasions like birthdays then it's time to give up. He's taking you for granted.
This ☝️☝️☝️
Regularsizedrudy · 09/01/2022 22:42

He’s a tight bastard.. but you’ve known that for 8 years so what do you expect?

Stompythedinosaur · 09/01/2022 22:43

He is obviously unreasonable. What do you normally do for his birthday?

FortniteBoysMum · 09/01/2022 22:49

Time to start being skint around his birthday. See how he reacts to that.

kittenkipper · 09/01/2022 22:51

When is his birthday? Does he expect anything?

My birthday is summer. But my husband is useless at getting me anything. However he wants nothing on his. And doesn't value gift giving. He's not a hypocrite. He neither gives nor expects. However he has learned that I EXPECT and tries to buy me something (it's usually wrong)

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 09/01/2022 22:56

It takes a real effort to show such disregard for your spouse.

You deserve your £25 earrings, your £35 takeaway, as well as someone who wants to make you happy.

doadeer · 09/01/2022 22:58

That's disgraceful. Even if he was broke you can do wonderful thoughtful gifts for very cheap.

Is he like this in other areas? Ie blatant disinterest and regard?

hivemindneeded · 09/01/2022 22:58

Even if he is broke he can use his imagination to get something you love. I once bought 2 bunches of £2 roses from Lidl and made up a massive bouquet for a friend with some cellophane left over from Christmas when I was broke. It looked like I'd spent ten times what I did and she was delighted. I made the effort, did the 1.5 hour on foot round trip to the nearest Lidl, so she would have a lovely birthday present.

DS once bought me a set of wine glasses from the charity shop. A few pounds but they were exactly what I'd been looking for and he remembered this, saw them and got them.

He could even if he is totally broke, try and find something on Freecycle, so long as he knows you really want it.

It's the effort not the cost and he clearly can't be bothered which would upset me.

Ileflottante · 09/01/2022 23:00

What a mean, selfish bastard. He doesn’t think you’re important enough. Awful.

godmum56 · 09/01/2022 23:02

@RandomMess

I would be asking what he spending his individual money and savings on if he can't afford £25.

What are his hobbies/activities?

this. Where does the money go?
JaceLancs · 09/01/2022 23:05

My DP never has any spare money due to debts and frequent bouts of unemployment but still manages to remember my birthday - last year I got breakfast in bed and he spent 1/2 a day cleaning my car inside and out

Stropalotopus83 · 09/01/2022 23:07

@JaceLancs

My DP never has any spare money due to debts and frequent bouts of unemployment but still manages to remember my birthday - last year I got breakfast in bed and he spent 1/2 a day cleaning my car inside and out
This. This is what people do if they genuinely can't afford a present. It doesn't have to be a massively expensive gift. Just something that lets you know you are loved and appreciated.
koalacat · 09/01/2022 23:15

How in god’s name have you put up with this for 8 years???? The faintest whiff of this would mean curtains for most people. He sounds beyond help. I don’t know what you can say to him at this point.

koalacat · 09/01/2022 23:17

Also he is abusive. He consciously and deliberately wants you to feel worthless. Of course he’s got £60. What a bastard.

user2908143823142536475859708 · 09/01/2022 23:20

He's had a year to put away £1 a week to get you a card, a small cake and a gift.

There is no excuse for this.

AD3000 · 09/01/2022 23:20

YANBU - is he tight otherwise? Does he spend on himself?

FairytaleOfLancashire · 09/01/2022 23:22

My ex did this all the time. Note "ex".

He did it with our dcs' bdays after we split too, as if he didn't have 12 months' notice of their birthdays coming up. It seemed to come as a surprise to him every single year.
Fucking manchild.

Aussiegirl123456 · 09/01/2022 23:23

Tight git.
Just go out and treat yourself. I know it’s not the same but you deserve it. From the joint account obvs.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 09/01/2022 23:24

It's not that he can't afford it - he doesn't want to afford it.

I just don't understand people who are so intent on putting money into savings that they never have any money for actually doing anything enjoyable in life.

Pensieve · 09/01/2022 23:33

Awful behaviour. Do you know what his disposable income is?

I don’t doubt some people would struggle with £50 but it sounds like you’re not in that situation and even people with zero cash probably use their imagination to come up with something - home spa day, day out, dinner cooked or whatever.

Awful.

maddening · 10/01/2022 00:04

When it is his birthday his gift can be a gift for you so he doesn't need to fret about getting a gift for you so close after Christmas, so your gift to him is the gift of peace of mind

Freecuthbert · 10/01/2022 00:15

He obviously can afford it. But for whatever reason he thinks saving £60 or however much is more important to him than treating you and making you happy on your birthday, while hiding behind the excuse that it's just been Christmas. This tightfistedness is inexcusable and clearly not just a one off! My birthday is just a few days after Christmas and we are on a low income but my partner always manages to do something nice for me.

Ionlydomassiveones · 10/01/2022 00:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 00:31

@Grumpy1818

Can you see the money in the account?

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