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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I unreasonable about house comments from in laws ?

132 replies

namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 20:38

We've recently moved into a brand new home. We bought it when it was not completely finished yet, as is often the case. We however had no say in any of it.

There are a few bits and bobs we wouldn't have chosen, but we don't hate any of it. None of it is offensive and it's all quite neutral, so you can put your own stamp on it.

My in laws are pretty critical / negative people I would say. They always think we pay too much for stuff / are too frivolous with our money etc. Unfortunately we needed to buy at a time when prices were high, it's just how it was.

Anyway, every time they come around, they always need to say stuff like : ' well for a house of this price, I would expect they should have done X or Y'.

Sometimes it's sparked my DH asking advice on a particular subject from his dad. Other times it's his mum asking what we plan to do with XYZ feature and then me saying that we need to change the colour of something or that I want to change some handles. Not major stuff, but it's always met with ' well didn't you notice that when you came to see the house ?' Or ' I certainly think a house that costs this much, should have that feature or this features. Did you not ask the builders if they would paint the stairs a different colour etc ? '

It's getting very very irritating now. Like every tiny thing that's mentioned, somehow makes me feel like they're saying we overpaid for our shitty house, in their opinion. I've told my husband to literally say nothing more about any of it to them. But he says sometimes he has questions for his dad, which I do understand. It's all new to us, so some stuff we just don't know.

I think the crux of it is that by asking advice, he's opening the door to criticism. However, our house really is lovely and well built. We have had no major issues. It's little things that are to be expected.

I'm sure most will say I am being unreasonable. But I just don't like how they go about it. I think they can tell, as a couple of times I've shut them down a bit like : ' ok the stair colour is a minor issue MIL. It doesn't matter whether I saw the stairs before buying this house, I would have bought it anyway. It doesn't ruin the house for me'.

Why do people always chew off your hand when you give them your little finger ? This is my in laws in a nutshell. You show any tiny vulnerability or chink in your armour and they think they can just go on and on and on forever and take it to the next level.

OP posts:
JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 21:06

They are not with you op, they are against you.

Believe me nip this in the bud now.
People intention and context is all.
Eg if my df or dm had seen my house messy it would be kind hearted chip in to help me out because they loved me.

However dh help out because we, me are useless and can't clean and not doing my job.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 09/01/2022 21:08

Just say “Have you finished slagging off our new house now? Thank you!” 😂

Thebedistoohot · 09/01/2022 21:13

My in laws are like this despite living in a hovel of botched jobs done by FiL.
Full of opinions that nobody asked for. We NEVER mention anything we are doing or plan to do, never ask for advice, to borrow a tool or anything. We give them NO opportunity to discuss our home.

namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 21:13

@Duxiejhrhrvjz

Just say “Have you finished slagging off our new house now? Thank you!” 😂
Haha that would be funny. But things would kick off as they'd deny that they're doing that and tell me I take everything personally.
OP posts:
namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 21:15

@Thebedistoohot

My in laws are like this despite living in a hovel of botched jobs done by FiL. Full of opinions that nobody asked for. We NEVER mention anything we are doing or plan to do, never ask for advice, to borrow a tool or anything. We give them NO opportunity to discuss our home.
This is the only way to deal with it. I will need to keep reminding me DH, to not say a word. We can ask YouTube or strangers for advice if we need it. They should not be involved in anything whatsoever !
OP posts:
MamaWeasel · 09/01/2022 21:18

"nonetheless, WE are very happy with it" on repeat until they realise it's not getting to you

FlasherMcGruff · 09/01/2022 21:19

I’d tell them: ‘I don’t know if you realise, but it’s really upsetting having you criticise my home so often’

SituationCritical · 09/01/2022 21:21

Just laugh and say 'I take it you don't like it then!'. Don't engage in any further conversation about the house, don't ask their opinion. If they ask give a neutral reply and change the subject. Like you've said, you can find most answers you need from youtube these days for small jobs.

ImmediatelyNo · 09/01/2022 21:22

I feel your pain.

MIL can be very critical. Zooms I’m on flaws.

When we moved into our first house together, MIL had a tour of the whole house A very pretty Edwardian semi with a lot of original features.

The only thing she said was “It’s a pity that fireplace tile is cracked”. I said something like “It is a shame but it’s such a tiny thing, the house is very beautiful and I love it”.

She’s never criticised our homes again. She just contents herself with saying things like “oh so you’ve put on weight” when she sees people again after a while.

namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 21:22

@FlasherMcGruff

I’d tell them: ‘I don’t know if you realise, but it’s really upsetting having you criticise my home so often’
This would be like a bullseye for them. That's exactly what they want me to say, so they can tell me how sensitive I am and that they are afraid of upsetting me and that they feel uncomfortable around me. Grin
OP posts:
namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 21:23

@ImmediatelyNo

I feel your pain.

MIL can be very critical. Zooms I’m on flaws.

When we moved into our first house together, MIL had a tour of the whole house A very pretty Edwardian semi with a lot of original features.

The only thing she said was “It’s a pity that fireplace tile is cracked”. I said something like “It is a shame but it’s such a tiny thing, the house is very beautiful and I love it”.

She’s never criticised our homes again. She just contents herself with saying things like “oh so you’ve put on weight” when she sees people again after a while.

She sounds lovely Confused
OP posts:
JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 21:26

Don't ask them any more at all about the house, unfortunately they are agaisnt you and stealing your power or trying too.

If they say anything negative, just remark how tiring it must feel being negative all the time.

NarcissistsEyebrows · 09/01/2022 21:27

My ILs are like this. They love to criticise everything, yet MIL would be highly offended if I pointed this out to her.

I remember when DH got a promotion and a payrise they only said congratulations in a really sarky way then went on about how he was paid too much. The sums involved don't merit this kind of scorn, it was really odd and he seemed so deflated.

I go OTT and act really positive around small things just to wind them up now. They mostly ignore it as it doesn't give them much wiggle room to be negative, butbit makes me smile to myself. It's almost like by fake praising something I convince myself its great and enjoy life more actually!

Ignore them or big your house up. If they want to drag it down don't let them drag you down too.

Your home sounds lovely, congratulations

LolaButt · 09/01/2022 21:27

I would say “one of the reasons this house appealed to us is that it’s a blank canvas to put our own stamp on. There are things in your home I would change if it were mine as we all have different taste. What would you change in your house?”

Sailor2009 · 09/01/2022 21:27

I had constant comments from my FIL. Everytime he came round he would find something to bitch about which then led to a 10 minute lecture about not buying old houses and this is why you should always buy new builds. He caught me on an off day once and when he started his usual "oh I could never live somewhere old like this" my snapped reply of "well thank fuck I have no intention of asking you to move in" seemed to do the trick.

ImmediatelyNo · 09/01/2022 21:30

@namechanger2222 she’s got a good heart in there somewhere but no tact

namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 21:32

@Sailor2009

I had constant comments from my FIL. Everytime he came round he would find something to bitch about which then led to a 10 minute lecture about not buying old houses and this is why you should always buy new builds. He caught me on an off day once and when he started his usual "oh I could never live somewhere old like this" my snapped reply of "well thank fuck I have no intention of asking you to move in" seemed to do the trick.
Well that's just a brilliant response.

Ours are the opposite. They think you need to buy and old house and do it up. Whereas we bought a new one. There are merits to both.

OP posts:
Redburnett · 09/01/2022 21:32

Stop letting them visit. You can visit them at their home. They are probably totally out of touch with house prices anyway. Most people are unless they are involved in the business, or actually buying or selling, or planning to.

godmum56 · 09/01/2022 21:34

Tilt head and tinkly laugh them "Why on EARTH would you say that"

namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 21:34

@NarcissistsEyebrows

My ILs are like this. They love to criticise everything, yet MIL would be highly offended if I pointed this out to her.

I remember when DH got a promotion and a payrise they only said congratulations in a really sarky way then went on about how he was paid too much. The sums involved don't merit this kind of scorn, it was really odd and he seemed so deflated.

I go OTT and act really positive around small things just to wind them up now. They mostly ignore it as it doesn't give them much wiggle room to be negative, butbit makes me smile to myself. It's almost like by fake praising something I convince myself its great and enjoy life more actually!

Ignore them or big your house up. If they want to drag it down don't let them drag you down too.

Your home sounds lovely, congratulations

They sound really similar. Do yours also just find it impossible to ever give compliments or say something nice ?

Mine never say anything nice about anyone or anything. They always put other people and things down. Because you know, no one is as good as they are, I guess. Confused

OP posts:
Sailor2009 · 09/01/2022 21:35

@namechanger2222 we have no issue with new builds. Just fell in love with our place when we saw it. Honestly it's not the damp ridden cave he makes it sound like. I do sometimes drop into conversation that all new builds are soul less boxes just to get a rise out of him, but I am very childish for a woman my age Grin

Masdintle · 09/01/2022 21:35

They are jealous! I wouldn't let them come round any more as they're obviously so uncomfortable in such a hideous house. And won't it be blissful when they're not there? Grin

RandomMess · 09/01/2022 21:36

I would bang on about how edifice the house is and how cheap your heating bills are 🤣

You can really wind them up by how glad you are not to be living in a doer upper.
"Oh MIL when you buy a new build it doesn't work like that!" About these things she comments on.

SnackSizeRaisin · 09/01/2022 21:37

The most effective response is probably to keep them at arm's length. Criticism of my home and way of doing things results in fewer invitations to spend time in said home. Bit sad really but it prevents the irritating comments. There's no point trying to change people - they have to learn that their actions have a direct effect, I.e. Not being asked round to spend time with the grandchild. Some learn quicker than others.

JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 21:37

And then they will wonder why they are being held at arms length.

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