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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I unreasonable about house comments from in laws ?

132 replies

namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 20:38

We've recently moved into a brand new home. We bought it when it was not completely finished yet, as is often the case. We however had no say in any of it.

There are a few bits and bobs we wouldn't have chosen, but we don't hate any of it. None of it is offensive and it's all quite neutral, so you can put your own stamp on it.

My in laws are pretty critical / negative people I would say. They always think we pay too much for stuff / are too frivolous with our money etc. Unfortunately we needed to buy at a time when prices were high, it's just how it was.

Anyway, every time they come around, they always need to say stuff like : ' well for a house of this price, I would expect they should have done X or Y'.

Sometimes it's sparked my DH asking advice on a particular subject from his dad. Other times it's his mum asking what we plan to do with XYZ feature and then me saying that we need to change the colour of something or that I want to change some handles. Not major stuff, but it's always met with ' well didn't you notice that when you came to see the house ?' Or ' I certainly think a house that costs this much, should have that feature or this features. Did you not ask the builders if they would paint the stairs a different colour etc ? '

It's getting very very irritating now. Like every tiny thing that's mentioned, somehow makes me feel like they're saying we overpaid for our shitty house, in their opinion. I've told my husband to literally say nothing more about any of it to them. But he says sometimes he has questions for his dad, which I do understand. It's all new to us, so some stuff we just don't know.

I think the crux of it is that by asking advice, he's opening the door to criticism. However, our house really is lovely and well built. We have had no major issues. It's little things that are to be expected.

I'm sure most will say I am being unreasonable. But I just don't like how they go about it. I think they can tell, as a couple of times I've shut them down a bit like : ' ok the stair colour is a minor issue MIL. It doesn't matter whether I saw the stairs before buying this house, I would have bought it anyway. It doesn't ruin the house for me'.

Why do people always chew off your hand when you give them your little finger ? This is my in laws in a nutshell. You show any tiny vulnerability or chink in your armour and they think they can just go on and on and on forever and take it to the next level.

OP posts:
tara66 · 09/01/2022 22:14

You can ask about any jobs you want to do on www.diynot.com - which is a huge advice site regarding anything re. work in a property so you never need to ask DFIL.

Trying81 · 09/01/2022 22:16

We’ve had the same from the in laws, asked if we’d viewed it with our eyes shut

My stock reply is, we bought it for the location and size - no house is perfect, and in time we’ll get it how we want it

Sleepdeprived42long · 09/01/2022 22:19

My MiL is like this. I smile and nod at the moment but the sooner my kids get older and I don’t have to see so much of her, the better. There is only so much negativity you can put up with.

Brainstorm21 · 09/01/2022 22:23

I bought a house and when my mum and brother came round the first time they walked round the entire place and pointed out the faults with every room. I sent them packing and they haven't been invited back since.

PurpleRainlnTheSky · 09/01/2022 22:23

Of COURSE YANBU. Your DH really does need to tell them to fucking stop. He needs to tell them what they're saying is rude and offensive and insulting.

I know it's easier said than done, and if neither of you has the nerve to say anything, it won't stop. You will just have to ignore it, and change the subject...

They sound jealous actually. IMO.

LittleBearPad · 09/01/2022 22:24

@Natty13

Mine never say anything nice about anyone or anything. They always put other people and things down. Because you know, no one is as good as they are, I guess. confused

Omgggg let me tell you how to deal with people like this. You need to respond to every negative comment as if it was a compliment! "That paint is chipped" "I know , it WILL look much better when it's redone won't it?! Can't wait to get cracking"

"Susan next door has another new man by the looks of it 😒" "you are right that's good for her enjoying herself!"

"Look at the state of your front garden, you clearly haven't cut the grass for weeks" "nearly a month actually, we are sooo much happier noy sweating the small stuff thanks for noticing!"

My ex ILs, countless previous colleagues and acquaintances etc can't stand positivity. It winds them up to no end when I pretend to misunderstand them and reply as if they have said something nice.

This is the way forward. It will discombobulate them and what else can they then say. Everything will be turned against them in the most positive and happy way possible!
PurpleRainlnTheSky · 09/01/2022 22:25

And, as @Brainstorm21 said, just stop them coming so often. If at all. If they ask why, then tell them.

Fuck ME, why are some parents and in-laws so horrible and critical of their adult DC? I have NEVER been like that, and neither has DH, and we never will be.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/01/2022 22:25

Some people are just really insular and seem to expect others to be practisers of magic in knowing every little thing. Maybe they just have a childish view of the world, whereby everybody else is an adult who can just 'sort' everything for them.

A relative of mine was horrified when my car developed a serious out-of-the-blue problem with the electrics, caused by (originally-hidden) water ingress, as I'd not long had it serviced and MoT'd. It was 'shocking' that the garage hadn't noticed and repaired it. They genuinely seemed to think that the garage would have gone over every single inch of the car and anticipated every single problem that could ever possibly happen to a car over the next few months - and then magically make it 'un-happen' in the future.

Anybody who regularly watches the Jeremy Vine show on Channel 5 will doubtless have noticed the same as me, whenever Mike Parry (he of the infamous viral cinnamon challenge) is on. Every little new issue that occurs has him blaming somebody vaguely connected with it, with the phrase "Well, I would have thought that they would...." - even though it's a freak occurrence and not remotely something that anybody would or could have anticipated; e.g. somebody's car gets crushed on a mountain road by a sudden landslide of 3-ton rocks and it's somehow Toyota's fault, because "Well, I would have thought that they would...."

I think it's often (thankfully) ordinary people who would have been much more at home as a Mediaeval king or queen - or even a modern-day despot. Just assume that what they want is the only right way and cannot possibly comprehend that it hasn't already been taken care of by 'somebody'.

KateyKontent · 09/01/2022 22:25

In your case, I would say they've made their feelings clear and so there is no point in going over issues again. Maybe best if your DH doesn't ask for their input?

Making comments about you being sensitive to is gaslighting. It is rude and unkind to make negative comments about someone's home. Would they like to hear your feedback of their home? Their opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it = nothing. From now if you want to know what they think of your new home, you'll ask. For the time being you just want to enjoy your new house.

I have a difficult relative of DH at Christmas. We have very different and opposite perspectives on most things. This year after a tirade about Covid vaccines I said that they were not going to change my mind any more than I would theirs. There was no point in having the conversation so we would be best not to have it.

Jonagirl · 09/01/2022 22:25

You could just say "Oooh it's great we can do this, I have actually been making a list of all the things I would change about your house too, just a second while I grab my refill pad" Grin

Redshoeblueshoe · 09/01/2022 22:28

Natty13 you are a genius.

guffaux · 09/01/2022 22:28

MIL criticised our new home when we moved in-on her first and last visit- we always saw her at her house or took her out somewhere else after that, she just had to try and take the shine off our happiness- we'd moved from a one-bed flat with awful neighbours and no garden in the town centre to a 3 bed semi with gardens on three sides, on the very edge of town, next to the sea and a 10 minute walk from woods and fields - we were ecstatic and it had taken years for us to do so- never fell out but she never got another invite.

Hemingwayscatz · 09/01/2022 22:31

My Mum is like this so I barely invite her around anymore. Luckily live 30+ miles apart now so that helps. She picks on everything and if she can’t find something obvious to pick on, she’ll start searching for things. She’s been known to open our microwave and complain about a couple of food splashes like it’s an episode of four in a bed.

Main advice is to stop letting them in Grin.

celan · 09/01/2022 22:35

Oh, just ignore them. Their opinion is of no importance, and you need to internalise this.

thickthighs73 · 09/01/2022 22:41

They sound like bullying arseholes, it’s your home not theirs! It takes time to get established and settled etc they should zip it or they could would find themselves not welcome anymore.

DroopyClematis · 09/01/2022 22:42

They're your in laws. They're a generation apart.

If my children bought a new build, like I've already seen, I may well pass comment to them as I've known them all if their life.
It is not a direct criticism of them. It's just that new builds aren't built as well as older builds.
It's not personal.

HoneyFlowers · 09/01/2022 22:49

Oh my god this is how my in laws were on our first house, everything was wrong! Grass wrong length, wiring wrong, paid too much... Went on and on.

KO81 · 09/01/2022 22:51

@Thebedistoohot

My in laws are like this despite living in a hovel of botched jobs done by FiL. Full of opinions that nobody asked for. We NEVER mention anything we are doing or plan to do, never ask for advice, to borrow a tool or anything. We give them NO opportunity to discuss our home.
This is exactly like mine, too. My brother (doctor, clever chap) has been studying electrics and under the guidance of an electrician, is rebuilding his own kitchen. I told my FIL that he was wiring in their new extractor fan and he immediately started slagging off my brother saying things like “I bet he hasn’t thought that he needs to do insert random attempt to assert electrical authority here, he won’t know to do insert load of made up bollocks here.”

He thinks he knows everything about everything and so has to try to exert dominance. The thing is, he’s not a builder, he’s not a kitchen fitter and he’s certainly not an electrician, he is a long-since retired IT teacher.

He’s also super negative about everything and was hyper critical of my house. I just stop him in his tracks now with a serene meaningless response.

“Is that plaster smooth over there? I don’t think that plaster’s smooth. Who did you get to do that? You’ve overpaid for that. runs hand over perfectly smooth area of painted wall, tutting.”

“It’s the smoothed wall ever plastered. Do you want a cup of tea?”

Fucking irritating though.

jaundicedoutlook · 09/01/2022 22:52

When I get unhelpful comments from the ILs I just give them a blank look and either change the subject or say nothing. Life’s too short to let them get a rise out of you.

dodobookends · 09/01/2022 22:53

@DroopyClematis

They're your in laws. They're a generation apart.

If my children bought a new build, like I've already seen, I may well pass comment to them as I've known them all if their life.
It is not a direct criticism of them. It's just that new builds aren't built as well as older builds.
It's not personal.

It is personal if you offer a criticism on something they, as fully-functioning adults, have chosen. Whether you've known them all their lives is irrelevant. You are criticising their taste and judgement.
eagerlywaitingfor · 09/01/2022 22:53

Whatever happened to that old saying: "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all"?

KO81 · 09/01/2022 22:54

‘Smoothest’ wall. Smoothed wall really is meaningless.

timeisnotaline · 09/01/2022 22:55

Taking your bullseye comment on board, I’d go positivity too. ‘Oh well, you must be so happy you don’t have to live here’ ‘it’d be very boring if there was nothing to do dont you think’

PurpleRainlnTheSky · 09/01/2022 22:56

@eagerlywaitingfor

Whatever happened to that old saying: "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all"?
Some certain people (especially parents/in laws/grandparents just HAVE to say nasty shit. Either jealous, or unhappy with their life. Or BOTH.
PurpleRainlnTheSky · 09/01/2022 22:56

@DroopyClematis

They're your in laws. They're a generation apart.

If my children bought a new build, like I've already seen, I may well pass comment to them as I've known them all if their life.
It is not a direct criticism of them. It's just that new builds aren't built as well as older builds.
It's not personal.

@DroopyClematis

What a load of tosh. I am a generation apart from MY DC, and I would never sit in their home criticising everything and pulling it apart, and telling them how it SHOULD be and how it SHOULD look.

What right do you have to pass comment on your adult DC's lovely new home?

And why do you not care how shitty your comments will make them feel?

'Knowing them all their life' does not give you carte blanche to slag them off and berate their home.

As they have known YOU all their life, would you be happy if they said 'fuck off out of my home! Your opinions are offensive and nasty, and you are not welcome here ever again!'

No. I thought not. Hmm