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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I unreasonable about house comments from in laws ?

132 replies

namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 20:38

We've recently moved into a brand new home. We bought it when it was not completely finished yet, as is often the case. We however had no say in any of it.

There are a few bits and bobs we wouldn't have chosen, but we don't hate any of it. None of it is offensive and it's all quite neutral, so you can put your own stamp on it.

My in laws are pretty critical / negative people I would say. They always think we pay too much for stuff / are too frivolous with our money etc. Unfortunately we needed to buy at a time when prices were high, it's just how it was.

Anyway, every time they come around, they always need to say stuff like : ' well for a house of this price, I would expect they should have done X or Y'.

Sometimes it's sparked my DH asking advice on a particular subject from his dad. Other times it's his mum asking what we plan to do with XYZ feature and then me saying that we need to change the colour of something or that I want to change some handles. Not major stuff, but it's always met with ' well didn't you notice that when you came to see the house ?' Or ' I certainly think a house that costs this much, should have that feature or this features. Did you not ask the builders if they would paint the stairs a different colour etc ? '

It's getting very very irritating now. Like every tiny thing that's mentioned, somehow makes me feel like they're saying we overpaid for our shitty house, in their opinion. I've told my husband to literally say nothing more about any of it to them. But he says sometimes he has questions for his dad, which I do understand. It's all new to us, so some stuff we just don't know.

I think the crux of it is that by asking advice, he's opening the door to criticism. However, our house really is lovely and well built. We have had no major issues. It's little things that are to be expected.

I'm sure most will say I am being unreasonable. But I just don't like how they go about it. I think they can tell, as a couple of times I've shut them down a bit like : ' ok the stair colour is a minor issue MIL. It doesn't matter whether I saw the stairs before buying this house, I would have bought it anyway. It doesn't ruin the house for me'.

Why do people always chew off your hand when you give them your little finger ? This is my in laws in a nutshell. You show any tiny vulnerability or chink in your armour and they think they can just go on and on and on forever and take it to the next level.

OP posts:
babbi · 09/01/2022 23:00

@AngelinaFibres

Google the grey rock method of dealing with negative people. I have found it very helpful in dealing with my mother. You can't stop people being as they are but you can change the way it affects you.
^ This in spades !!!

Don’t waste your time on these people and their negativity…
I struggle with the way my dad criticises everything I do .
He’s elderly now so I try to let it wash over me as I don’t want any grief at his age .
But I’ve had it my whole life … to be honest I think it’s just a very bad habit he has and doesn’t even realise he is doing it .
Very frustrating and and times upsetting.
I can’t change him though ,

Tillsforthrills · 09/01/2022 23:01

@MamaWeasel

"nonetheless, WE are very happy with it" on repeat until they realise it's not getting to you
This!
AnyName1 · 09/01/2022 23:02

DroopyClematis are you the in laws?

LuluBlakey1 · 09/01/2022 23:03

My PIL have an over-sed phrase they each use which starts 'If I were you I would.......' and is usually related to something about our house. For example, the latest was MIL to DH 'If I were you I would carpet this floor instead of having floorboards and a rug- it would be much warmer.'

Our reply is always'Well you're not me so you can't. So mind your own business'. All said very nicely and they just grin.

Their other one is 'You want to ......get some paving put down by the shed' - for example. We always reply 'No we don't want to do that- if we wanted to we would but we don't. Mind your own business'.

It has turned into a bit of a game. Neither side takes offence.

LuluBlakey1 · 09/01/2022 23:03

Over-used not over-sed.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/01/2022 23:03

I’d not discuss anything house related with them. Ask DH to do the same. Maybe agree a phrase if they say anything - well we like or something neutral like that and change subject. Don’t invite them around?
Other tack is to be more proactive and say well it’s not 1970 anymore when you could buy a 3 bed for 3,000 on only 1 wage etc (adapt to age of them/price they paid) repeat anytime house comment made.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2022 23:05

Some certain people (especially parents/in laws/grandparents just HAVE to say nasty shit. Either jealous, or unhappy with their life. Or BOTH.

Yeah. Because younger people are angels.

Confused
Branleuse · 09/01/2022 23:06

Say " yes we get the message, our lovely new house wouldnt be your choice, and your house wouldnt be my choice, so lets just leave it at that and all be happy with what weve got"

violetbunny · 09/01/2022 23:08

@namechanger2222 I recommend reading the book Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward, I think you will find it helpful. Especially the chapter which describes a type of in-law called "The Critics":

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage-ebook/dp/B003WJRE4Q/ref=tmmkinnswatch0??encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Arucanafeather · 09/01/2022 23:09

[quote JanuaryBluehoo]@Arucanafeather
Wow I've never heard of medium chill before!

I've heard of grey rock.

I've got my own in law issues and this would be hard as fil in particular works hard to ask questions.
So it's hard to not actually answer questions.

But the over all technique looks interesting! Keep it light, breezy...[/quote]
@JanuaryBluehoo - it gets easier very quickly with a bit of practice. We found if we tried to answer ILs questions to any level they would probe and probe and probe so now we just don’t answer questions we’re uncomfortable with at all. Works so much better. E.g. how’s moving into new house? Type question from them: all good. How many years have you been in your house now? Etc & if a response doesn’t come to mind it’s time for a “ooh just need to pop to the ….”

PurpleRainlnTheSky · 09/01/2022 23:23

@Nanny0gg

Some certain people (especially parents/in laws/grandparents just HAVE to say nasty shit. Either jealous, or unhappy with their life. Or BOTH.

Yeah. Because younger people are angels.

Confused

Young people may not be angels.

....but no way in HELL do younger people (under 45) come out with the same nasty, critical, demeaning, condescending, cutting remarks and comments that older people do (especially towards people a generation or two younger...)

And it is not AGEISM, so don't even go there. It's a fact. Everyone I have ever spoken to has been upset by nasty scathing critical comments from older family members, very rarely younger ones.

Touch a raw nerve did I @Nanny0gg ???

Lotusmonster · 09/01/2022 23:24

Have a blurty moment “Give it a bloody rest….we don’t come round your place slagging it off. Can’t you just be happy for us”

StellaGibson118 · 09/01/2022 23:24

They remind me of my ex inlaws. They just used to think we were a pair of morons who couldn't make an intelligent decision between us and would make snide comments on whatever we did. MIL especially couldnt accept that her son was an adult capable of making his own choices and if need be, lying in bed with bad ones.

PurpleRainlnTheSky · 09/01/2022 23:25

Not ALL 'older' people of course, but SOME. And it's far less likely to be younger people making the scathing and critical comments.

Tallisimo · 09/01/2022 23:26

They sound like the sort of people who would find fault no matter where you had moved!

What happen if you ignore any such comments and change the subject every single time?

And meanwhile, stop asking FiL for advice! Why does your H think he is going to know the answer?!

billy1966 · 09/01/2022 23:29

Excellent suggestion from @Natty13

Also if there is someone in your life who is a similar generation to them and positive, keep mentioning them and how lovely their positivity was.

My friends in laws were like this and drove her bloody mad.
Constant know it all negativity.

Their new neighbours were of a similar generation and just lovely.

Every time her in laws said something negative about the house she mentioned Jim and Ann from next door, how lovely they were, so kind, giving such great advice about the house.

It pissed them off no end, coming to a head when they called unexpectedly to find Jim and Ann having a cup of tea and Jim giving my friends husband some advice.

Huge noses out of joint and my friend told them calmly that they loved their helpful positivity and practical advice about jobs to be done.

They were hugely offended and took themselves off in a huff and were duly ignored until they got over themselves.

They did calm down a bit but the damage was done and she kept them both at a firm distance.

Some people cannot bear to say something positive, like it will injure them.🙄

Clearthinking · 09/01/2022 23:31

We moved into a rented house to start our life all we got of inlaws is "have YOU told the others as your brother said hes not even been invited round yet and hes upset. Moved in Sat this was Monday. Constantly told its shite. It was rented. We bought it and we did it up and have sold to move somewhere else but dread telling them we have moved as the questions will be "how much did it sell for? How much is the new one? And have you told your siblings you have moved?" Not congratulations. Ever. And if we say mind your own they will say "we will just google it" cant win. When husband got a new job all he gets his "how much more money is it?" Makes seeing them, pretty shite to talk to

sweetkitty · 09/01/2022 23:37

My mother (when we spoke to her) had a thing about our third bedroom, yes it was teeny tiny but it was like she was appalled with it. Your brother and SIL have bought a house with THREE good sized bedroom. So and so have THREE bedrooms you could fit double beds in. Funny thing in we had that tiny box room extended and it’s now the biggest bedroom in the house and we now have FIVE double bedrooms and she’s never seen them.

We call people like this dementors they suck the life and joy out of everything.

Natty13 · 09/01/2022 23:39

@Redshoeblueshoe

Natty13 you are a genius.
💅

The real secret is that I believe it actually makes you start seeing things more positively after a while. Life is too short to put up with bullshit!

Mellowyellow222 · 09/01/2022 23:50

@DroopyClematis

They're your in laws. They're a generation apart.

If my children bought a new build, like I've already seen, I may well pass comment to them as I've known them all if their life.
It is not a direct criticism of them. It's just that new builds aren't built as well as older builds.
It's not personal.

It is personal - it’s their home.

If they have already bought it why shit all over their dreams. What on earth is there to gain?

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2022 00:04

@PurpleRainlnTheSky

Not ALL 'older' people of course, but SOME. And it's far less likely to be younger people making the scathing and critical comments.
Rubbish! Have heard plenty of it the other way round!

Honestly, you do realise older people were younger once? You don't start being nasty when you hit 50, it just carries on from where it's always been.

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2022 00:05

Touch a raw nerve did I @Nanny0gg ???

Point proven.

My nerves are fine. Thanks for asking

mathanxiety · 10/01/2022 00:20

www.etsy.com/listing/1065831461/remember-when-i-asked-your-opinion?gpla=1

Buy her one of these.

Anothermumm · 10/01/2022 00:22

This sounds exactly like my in laws OP, there's always something about the house they criticise (...the grass is a bit long, are you going to mow that today?...one of your outside lights isn't working, I'd fix it today if I were you...did you mean to paint your hallway this colour, it's very dark isn't it...). I have got to the point where I either ignore their comments and change the subject completely or I'll make out they have offered to do or fix something for me (my favourite 🤣). E.g. with the outside light comment I said "Oh thanks so much for offering to sort that out for us yes I've been meaning to get that fixed, is next week okay to come and do it?" They literally didn't know what to say and FIL was round a few days later fitting a new outside light 😂😂😂.
A few weeks later they hadn't learnt their lesson and said we need a bigger TV ("how do you see that TV, it's tiny and the picture quality if awful") they soon shut up when I responded "Oh that would be lovely of you to get us a new one for Christmas if it bothers you 😜

CheekyHobson · 10/01/2022 00:32

That's exactly what they want me to say, so they can tell me how sensitive I am and that they are afraid of upsetting me and that they feel uncomfortable around me.

Some time ago I came to the realisation that "too sensitive" or "very touchy" is narcissist code for "annoyingly perceptive and assertive".

(They're obviously not afraid of upsetting you enough to consider their words before they say them out loud, the way that most people do, though!)

I think Natty's method of treating every comment as though it has a positive implication is great, but another way of tackling comments like "Gosh, you're so sensitive, I can't say anything for fear of offending you" is to lean into it by agreeing with them.

"You're right. I do feel sensitive about my home and I find critical comments wear me down, so I would really appreciate it if you could just stick to expressing your positive opinions!"

There's nowhere for them to go with that. You've straight-out agreed with them while backing them into a corner where if they're rude to you again, you can call it out easily.

"Oh Martha! You know how sensitive I am to negativity! Could we find a more agreeable topic to discuss?"

Narcissists find this bewildering to deal with because they can't fathom actually admitting to a personal flaw without feeling embarrassed by it.

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