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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I unreasonable about house comments from in laws ?

132 replies

namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 20:38

We've recently moved into a brand new home. We bought it when it was not completely finished yet, as is often the case. We however had no say in any of it.

There are a few bits and bobs we wouldn't have chosen, but we don't hate any of it. None of it is offensive and it's all quite neutral, so you can put your own stamp on it.

My in laws are pretty critical / negative people I would say. They always think we pay too much for stuff / are too frivolous with our money etc. Unfortunately we needed to buy at a time when prices were high, it's just how it was.

Anyway, every time they come around, they always need to say stuff like : ' well for a house of this price, I would expect they should have done X or Y'.

Sometimes it's sparked my DH asking advice on a particular subject from his dad. Other times it's his mum asking what we plan to do with XYZ feature and then me saying that we need to change the colour of something or that I want to change some handles. Not major stuff, but it's always met with ' well didn't you notice that when you came to see the house ?' Or ' I certainly think a house that costs this much, should have that feature or this features. Did you not ask the builders if they would paint the stairs a different colour etc ? '

It's getting very very irritating now. Like every tiny thing that's mentioned, somehow makes me feel like they're saying we overpaid for our shitty house, in their opinion. I've told my husband to literally say nothing more about any of it to them. But he says sometimes he has questions for his dad, which I do understand. It's all new to us, so some stuff we just don't know.

I think the crux of it is that by asking advice, he's opening the door to criticism. However, our house really is lovely and well built. We have had no major issues. It's little things that are to be expected.

I'm sure most will say I am being unreasonable. But I just don't like how they go about it. I think they can tell, as a couple of times I've shut them down a bit like : ' ok the stair colour is a minor issue MIL. It doesn't matter whether I saw the stairs before buying this house, I would have bought it anyway. It doesn't ruin the house for me'.

Why do people always chew off your hand when you give them your little finger ? This is my in laws in a nutshell. You show any tiny vulnerability or chink in your armour and they think they can just go on and on and on forever and take it to the next level.

OP posts:
Immunetypegoblin · 11/01/2022 08:44

@Ireallycantthinkofagoodone

I had a slightly different experience with my own DM. She would perhaps buy a new lamp/set of curtains/item of furniture etc., and ask me if I liked it. My usual reply would be along the lines of ‘it looks lovely in here Mum’. ‘But do you like it?’ she would persist. ‘It goes perfectly with the room’ I would then say. ‘But do you like it?’ she would repeat. Me - ‘No’. DM - ‘You never like anything I choose!’ I seriously tried to be diplomatic, but we all have different tastes. I never ask anyone’s opinion on anything I buy as I am just pleasing myself. I also never pass judgment on other people’s purchases. It’s rude and unnecessary. Fortunately, I have never received negative comments from others either.
My mother was a bugger for this! Never happy to just accept the obvious tactful answer which was being offered, she always had to push you into admitting the truth and then got the hump. It was exhausting. She's dead now but that is behavior I do not miss....
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/01/2022 09:07

‘Can you please stop nitpicking about the house? It’s getting very wearing.’

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/01/2022 00:08

I seriously tried to be diplomatic, but we all have different tastes. I never ask anyone’s opinion on anything I buy as I am just pleasing myself. I also never pass judgment on other people’s purchases. It’s rude and unnecessary.

It baffles me why some people feel the constant need for validation of their own personal choices and get deeply offended when your own likes/dislikes are different. Neither choice is wrong/bad/worse - just individual preference.

My DGM would enthusiastically recommend things that she'd bought for herself and loved and she used to find it genuinely inconceivable that her own preferences in clothes and accessories (in her 70s) just might not be the exact same ones as those of family members in their teens!

For some unpleasant people, it goes the other way too - where instead of wanting you to validate their choices, they will keep putting down your choices and telling you how they really don't like them, in the expectation that you will be upset or offended. If it relates to wildly different beliefs on a serious moral issue, they may have a slightly valid point; but not when it's just a preference for blue curtains or green ones!

phishy · 13/01/2022 02:36

@Ireallycantthinkofagoodone

I had a slightly different experience with my own DM. She would perhaps buy a new lamp/set of curtains/item of furniture etc., and ask me if I liked it. My usual reply would be along the lines of ‘it looks lovely in here Mum’. ‘But do you like it?’ she would persist. ‘It goes perfectly with the room’ I would then say. ‘But do you like it?’ she would repeat. Me - ‘No’. DM - ‘You never like anything I choose!’ I seriously tried to be diplomatic, but we all have different tastes. I never ask anyone’s opinion on anything I buy as I am just pleasing myself. I also never pass judgment on other people’s purchases. It’s rude and unnecessary. Fortunately, I have never received negative comments from others either.
If you were willing tell the first white lie, then why not just say you like it?

Seems a bit mean to your mum.

MadMadMadamMim · 13/01/2022 02:51

This would be like a bullseye for them. That's exactly what they want me to say, so they can tell me how sensitive I am and that they are afraid of upsetting me and that they feel uncomfortable around me. grin

That's ok. You counter back, bluntly, with I think you mean that you are both pretty thick skinned, rather than that I am sensitive. It isn't acceptable to constantly snipe and make critical and unasked for comments about someone else's home. You aren't noticeably afraid of upsetting me, are you? If you feel uncomfortable, as I do when you come round, perhaps we should limit the visits.

2pinkginsplease · 13/01/2022 03:42

I would just turn it back round on their house.

She criticises your house then you reply, yeah I don’t like that in your home too.
If she doesn’t like the wall colour then reply yeah I don’t like the colour you have on your wall.

If she doesn’t like the doors then reply, yeah I don’t like the doors you have either,

Turn it back and criticise her house, I’m sure she will soon stop!

Topseyt · 13/01/2022 10:26

My mother once sat in my sister's kitchen/conservatory and asked her (in a rather critical tone):

"Do you actually like the wallpaper in this room?"

To which my sister firmly replied:

"Of course I do or I wouldn't have put it up! Do you think I would have bought wallpaper I didn't like?"

That was end of discussion and my mother tried to backtrack by saying "Oh, err well..... I think I maybe like it too ....." Trying to dig herself out of the hole, getting deeper in etc.

I had a good laugh about it with my sister when I saw her over Christmas. Grin

Either pay them no attention or have a good riposte ready. Certainly don't invite their opinions on anything or discuss your plans with them

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