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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I unreasonable about house comments from in laws ?

132 replies

namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 20:38

We've recently moved into a brand new home. We bought it when it was not completely finished yet, as is often the case. We however had no say in any of it.

There are a few bits and bobs we wouldn't have chosen, but we don't hate any of it. None of it is offensive and it's all quite neutral, so you can put your own stamp on it.

My in laws are pretty critical / negative people I would say. They always think we pay too much for stuff / are too frivolous with our money etc. Unfortunately we needed to buy at a time when prices were high, it's just how it was.

Anyway, every time they come around, they always need to say stuff like : ' well for a house of this price, I would expect they should have done X or Y'.

Sometimes it's sparked my DH asking advice on a particular subject from his dad. Other times it's his mum asking what we plan to do with XYZ feature and then me saying that we need to change the colour of something or that I want to change some handles. Not major stuff, but it's always met with ' well didn't you notice that when you came to see the house ?' Or ' I certainly think a house that costs this much, should have that feature or this features. Did you not ask the builders if they would paint the stairs a different colour etc ? '

It's getting very very irritating now. Like every tiny thing that's mentioned, somehow makes me feel like they're saying we overpaid for our shitty house, in their opinion. I've told my husband to literally say nothing more about any of it to them. But he says sometimes he has questions for his dad, which I do understand. It's all new to us, so some stuff we just don't know.

I think the crux of it is that by asking advice, he's opening the door to criticism. However, our house really is lovely and well built. We have had no major issues. It's little things that are to be expected.

I'm sure most will say I am being unreasonable. But I just don't like how they go about it. I think they can tell, as a couple of times I've shut them down a bit like : ' ok the stair colour is a minor issue MIL. It doesn't matter whether I saw the stairs before buying this house, I would have bought it anyway. It doesn't ruin the house for me'.

Why do people always chew off your hand when you give them your little finger ? This is my in laws in a nutshell. You show any tiny vulnerability or chink in your armour and they think they can just go on and on and on forever and take it to the next level.

OP posts:
Arucanafeather · 09/01/2022 21:39

Medium chill / grey rock all the way. Don’t give them any emotional energy from you that you can get your fix from. I doubt there is much about the house your DH needs to ask you Dad about advice on that he can’t just Google instead! My aunt and uncle do this whenever they visit us … as we’re a little more emotionally removed from them it amuses me rather than irritates but I use the same medium chill technique. My ILs are a thousand times worse and my DH and I are still stuck “deep freezing” them at the moment & I shall view getting more towards medium chill as a sign of success that they’re not triggering me anymore!

namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 21:40

@JanuaryBluehoo

And then they will wonder why they are being held at arms length.
Hahah I'm already keeping them at arms length by pretty much refusing to go to their house and not inviting them to ours Grin

They just come to drop off their granddaughter as they looked after her a little bit during the holidays. They don't ever spend time with her here. They just pick her up and drop her off. I'm trying to minimise contact.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 09/01/2022 21:40

It is annoying as I think some people who haven't bought a place in a while don't appreciate how much more expensive homes are these days and that yes, one generally pays a lot of money even for an ordinary, imperfect house.

AngelinaFibres · 09/01/2022 21:41

Google the grey rock method of dealing with negative people. I have found it very helpful in dealing with my mother. You can't stop people being as they are but you can change the way it affects you.

ihatethecold · 09/01/2022 21:41

Sounds like they are projecting.
We get rid of what is unbearable in ourselves and dump it on those around us unconsciously.

Arucanafeather · 09/01/2022 21:42

Sorry more than a few typos in my last message!

cakewench · 09/01/2022 21:44

"Thank goodness you don't have to live here, eh?"

TBH I have a prize resting bitch face so I'd just stare at them. Or refer them to DH as 'he finds this line of conversation absolutely fascinating' heavy on the inference that I find it fucking tedious.

cakewench · 09/01/2022 21:46

Also as someone who bought old (not proper old but, old enough to have a big garden yet fucking loads of updating required inside), I'd love to just have a few door handles that needed changing. It's an absolute nightmare trying to do literally everything (carpet, walls, electrics, whatever) after you've already moved in. So, well done you Smile

NumberTheory · 09/01/2022 21:46

You could try something a little patronising back - e.g. "You really don't understand the way new builds work these days do you? It would cost a lot more to ask for customization than to get it done ourselves." or something.

Or "It's taken us a bit of time living in it to work out how we want it to look. The cosmetics weren't important, the bones of the house are excellent, which is what we paid for and I'd suggest you do the same if you ever decide to move."

But you won't actually change them, so it's probably not worth it. Just think it to yourself in your head and give them a slightly surprised look as though they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about when they comment unprompted.

JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 21:47

@Arucanafeather
Wow I've never heard of medium chill before!

I've heard of grey rock.

I've got my own in law issues and this would be hard as fil in particular works hard to ask questions.
So it's hard to not actually answer questions.

But the over all technique looks interesting! Keep it light, breezy...

JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 21:48

I hate the cold, very true all advice is self advice etc

MsTSwift · 09/01/2022 21:50

My in laws are hilariously clueless. They genuinely don’t seem to understand that location affects the value of a property. Our first house was a beautiful maisonette with a garden next to Hampstead heath. When they heard what we paid for it mil actually whimpered and fil should “you paid that for THIS!”.

We sold it 2 years later for double the money. Their hideous large 70s house in a grim town has been on the market for a year…

Mellowyellow222 · 09/01/2022 21:50

I have negative parents too. I am in my forties, successful, but they still think I am a silly little girl.

I bought a house that I live but that needs some cosmetic changes to make it my own.

If I said I was changing anything they always told me not to be ridiculous - they like it. I got sick of explaining to them that their taste and mine is different.

They roll their eyes at everything I do and lecture me about what will go wrong - I don’t need New carpets, a hardwood floor will get damaged, an open fire is too messy and it goes on and on.

I now dread their visits. I have snapped back a few times - It is so irritating. I now say each and every time our styles differ, so I am doing my house my way.

To be honest it isn’t really getting though. But they are stubborn and believe they know best. I see less of them now because of this and it is sad.

Momicrone · 09/01/2022 21:52

One of my pet hates is people asking how much something is and then criticising the price

namechanger2222 · 09/01/2022 21:52

I'm stunned how many people have a similar experience. I'll try and remember it for when my children grow up.

They just can't help themselves can they.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 09/01/2022 21:54

Sounds awful Mellow. My own parents and grandparents rip were the opposite. Everything any of us did was met with utter joy and congratulations. Certain if I robbed a bank my granny would have said “well I’m sure she had her reasons”. That’s how family should be!

PermanentTemporary · 09/01/2022 21:55

I think the response 'Uh huh' is underrated. Or 'Mmhm'.

I agree about not asking them stuff, do they ever actually help once asked? If soot might be worth gritting your teeth, otherwise just stop involving them.

My bf has a new build and it is so much simpler to live in than my old money pit. I love my house but it's going to cost me a fortune compared to someone buying a new build now.

Natty13 · 09/01/2022 21:55

Mine never say anything nice about anyone or anything. They always put other people and things down. Because you know, no one is as good as they are, I guess. confused

Omgggg let me tell you how to deal with people like this. You need to respond to every negative comment as if it was a compliment! "That paint is chipped" "I know , it WILL look much better when it's redone won't it?! Can't wait to get cracking"

"Susan next door has another new man by the looks of it 😒" "you are right that's good for her enjoying herself!"

"Look at the state of your front garden, you clearly haven't cut the grass for weeks" "nearly a month actually, we are sooo much happier noy sweating the small stuff thanks for noticing!"

My ex ILs, countless previous colleagues and acquaintances etc can't stand positivity. It winds them up to no end when I pretend to misunderstand them and reply as if they have said something nice.

Yotrotro · 09/01/2022 21:57

We had similar when we bought our first house. I just replied that it was a shame they weren't interested enough to give us any helpful advice before we bought.

DHs dad is a gardener, his brother used to be a fencer. We bought a house with a big garden and didn't expect any help from them (though it would have been nice) but everytime we even asked advice it was as though we'd bought a national park! We stopped asking then they got huffy that we had asked or got others in to help!

JugglingJanuary · 09/01/2022 21:57

I think you are just going to have to close the conversation down & tell DH to use the internet instead of inviting more criticism OR if he wants his Dad to come around & help, you go out.

If it's just when they're visiting I'd stop inviting them but if they are there & criticise just shut them down. 'Yes, you've said previously that you don't like the stairwell
Paint colour' 'yes, you've said you don't like the front door several times' . Ok, we've been here x time now, you've commented on everything there is to comment on, can you drop it now please'

Wonnle · 09/01/2022 22:02

You could go round there's and slag off everything and see how they react

Ginpostersyndrome · 09/01/2022 22:08

@Natty13

Mine never say anything nice about anyone or anything. They always put other people and things down. Because you know, no one is as good as they are, I guess. confused

Omgggg let me tell you how to deal with people like this. You need to respond to every negative comment as if it was a compliment! "That paint is chipped" "I know , it WILL look much better when it's redone won't it?! Can't wait to get cracking"

"Susan next door has another new man by the looks of it 😒" "you are right that's good for her enjoying herself!"

"Look at the state of your front garden, you clearly haven't cut the grass for weeks" "nearly a month actually, we are sooo much happier noy sweating the small stuff thanks for noticing!"

My ex ILs, countless previous colleagues and acquaintances etc can't stand positivity. It winds them up to no end when I pretend to misunderstand them and reply as if they have said something nice.

I love this!
Charmatt · 09/01/2022 22:08

Your DH can find videos on YouTube of anything he needs about the house, DIY etc. Encourage him to look on there instead of asking his dad. The information on there is more upto date and can be more appropriate if you live in a new build and your PILs are used to old houses.

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 09/01/2022 22:13

'I don't recall seeking your opinion'
'Why have you never done X , Y, Z to your house, you seem to be so full of ideas'
'Thank you for your support, I shall wear it always'

No need to be polite to anyone in these circumstances!

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 09/01/2022 22:14

Remind them they are free to leave and stay away.
As I once told my mil when she moaned about our house being messy.
We had 7 dc....