Reporting myself to social services.

[Rockbottom2910]

I have two children. Both with sen. The issues is with my eldest who is nearly 11, who is from a previous relationship. Dd with my partner. Dp has raised him as his own.

My eldest is diagnosed with asd. I also believe he has a array of other issues he's not been diagnosed with - adhd, ocd and odd perhaps! Getting an assessment is hard. He's very anxious at times too. He has a lot of personality traits of his dad too. His dad is a very self centred selfish man. He sees him every couple months. For an hour or two. Hardly any input in his life.

I can't cope with Ds. He's constantly, screaming, refusing to cooperate. He's good at school, it's all at home. He's making mine and the rest of our lives a misery. He is ruining his sisters life. Thankfully he's not physically aggressive but he shouts, screams and his very manipulative. He can go from really sweet and calm to a monster in minutes.

I try my best as a mother. He is loved, fed, clean and has everything he wants. Bought him nice stuff for Christmas and he's hardly looked at it. We take him out and do things. He goes to a good school.

He keeps stealing money from my purse.

He screams for his own way.

Shouts at his sister for no reason.

Basically he rules out life.

He doesn't take like seriously. He thinks it's all a game. we tell him off and be just laughs. We've always tried to set firm boundaries. He doesn't listen so we end up shouting at him to try and get him to listen.

I've been on courses, I am on Facebook groups for parents with children with similar needs. We've tried reward charts, social stories, visual timetables. Ignoring his behaviour because I think he does it for a reaction.

Me and dp are on the brink separating which is breaking our Dd's heart cos she knows things aren't right. She has sen but it's quite observant.

I don't get a break. He doesn't go sleep
Until 10pm+. I'm exhausted.

He doesn't ever chill out. Can't remember the last time I watched anything on tv. Or had any time to mhself.

My mental health has slipped badly. My blood pressure must be through the roof.

I feel Like reporting myself to social services. Tonight I lost my rag like I never have before. Nothing physical. But I started chucking stuff from his room down the stairs towards the window saying I'm going to bin it all. I screamed like never screamed before and dp had to grab me before I stormed out the house and never came back.

I literally couldn't care if he was took off me right now.

Dd has sen but doesn't have any behavioural issues. I can imagine all this is going to tuck her up in later life. She'll probably be better off in care too!

I am at rock bottom. I feel like it's my fault. I raised him totally on my own for the first 3 years.

I'm currently being assessed for asd too. It's genetic on my bio dads side (although I don't have a relationship with him I know this!). It's really triggering me.

I know I have made it sound like it is all about me but he really has no idea what his actions are doing to us as a once happy family!

His behavioural issues have gradually got worse over the years.

Asking for help from ss is not “reporting yourself” there is such thing as a disabilities social worker lots of people have them. So they can have respite etc, it’s not the same as a safeguarding social worker

Hi OP
Do you have any support from children services at present ? I work in this sector and support families in similar situation all the time

Does your son have a personal budget or CIN plan? Could you approach social care in your area and request more support? It’s not that you are a bad or inadequate parent but that parenting a child with additional needs is hard and you need support - please don’t blame yourself, you are doing the right thing asking for help

We have no support. We've slipped through the net for sure. There isn't much around where we live either. We've tried before. I contacted children's services in my area and got nowhere. They just put me in a course. I have no one to turn to 😪

That sounds so tough, I would have cracked a lot sooner. Please ask for help and go easy on yourself. Lean on family if you can, or friends. Try to give yourself as much break as possible.

I feel like I should be reported to social services over the amount of shouting and arguing happening in this house right now. They'd be more appalled at what Dd is going through more than anything. She witnesses it all!

I have some friends but they don't really get it (wouldn't expect them to). Family is useless. They say stupid things like 'if he stays with me I'll get him to behave'. They have no idea. They only see him every couple months for an hour or two! Mil will say well 'Margaret down the road has a sister with an autistic son so I know what it's like' or 'he isn't as bad as that other autistic kid I know'.

Hi op.
I also have worked in this sector for many years. You don’t need to “report yourself “. You do however need to contact children’s services and explain very clearly that you need help! Unfortunately services are so stretched that often people fall through the net as it were. You need to make yourself heard and not be fobbed off. It’s sad but honestly my advice is shout until you are heard. There is support out there

Do you work OP? Is there time for you when the children are at school? If it is then you might find that the holidays have been tough but you can recharge a bit now term has started? If not would it be at all possible for you to get any time when the kids are at school? That way you might have some headspace to at least get into a places where you could make a plan - get the assessments you need etc?

@MNSEN

Do you work OP? Is there time for you when the children are at school? If it is then you might find that the holidays have been tough but you can recharge a bit now term has started? If not would it be at all possible for you to get any time when the kids are at school? That way you might have some headspace to at least get into a places where you could make a plan - get the assessments you need etc?

Not at the mo but planning to go back soon. Do habe some time when they are at shcool but spend most of it cleaning the house. Also caring for my grandma.

We all had covid before Christmas which hasn't helped but it wasn't great before that. Dp works anti social hours which doesn't help!

Ban shouting at home and speak to him in positive ways where you expect him to do as he's told. Marble jar for praise. Enough marbles = a treat. Not enough = no treat.

Make is VERY clear:

We ALL hate shouting. Don't we? Let's stop that. All of us...

1 marble for brushing your teeth
-1 for screaming

+1 for x

Have no more than three. Keep it simple but keep it with boundaries and if they don't do it, say. "Fine." Then let it go.

They'll start to do it.

I didn't believe this for one second but my mum used to be a deputy head of a junior school and told me what to do when I was at the very end of my tether. It worked.

We have a "no shouting" rule at home. It's worked wonders for us all.

Ok well stop cleaning!

Can someone else take on a bit more for grandma?

Don't go back to work soon.

Honestly. You must prioritise yourself for a while. You can't parent if you are in crisis. Take a couple of days. Do whatever gets you to a better place (exercise, walking, Netflix, reading) then assess what you need. Then plan. And come here and let us help with the next step? Or the SEN board?

I'm afraid I have no experience of this OP, but would you consider letting him stay with the people that say 'if he stays with me I'll get him to behave'? I just wondered, because not only would it give you a little respite, but also it would help them, (I assume it's a family member), to see that the situation is far worse than they clearly imagine. Sorry if it's not being helpful, but I just thought it might be worth suggesting. As for your not being good enough, please don't think this! We do our best with difficult children, and that's all we can do, but I'd definitely follow 'SunsetsandLollipops' advice. Good luck, and I hope things improve for you soon.

Do exactly what you have suggested, OP. It doesn’t matter whether it is “a thing” to report yourself according to SWs. It will give them a true picture of how severely you are struggling and may trigger some actual help. It sounds utterly unbearable. I’m sorry.

@Royalbloo

Ban shouting at home and speak to him in positive ways where you expect him to do as he's told. Marble jar for praise. Enough marbles = a treat. Not enough = no treat.

Make is VERY clear:

We ALL hate shouting. Don't we? Let's stop that. All of us...

1 marble for brushing your teeth
-1 for screaming

+1 for x

Have no more than three. Keep it simple but keep it with boundaries and if they don't do it, say. "Fine." Then let it go.

They'll start to do it.

I didn't believe this for one second but my mum used to be a deputy head of a junior school and told me what to do when I was at the very end of my tether. It worked.

Do you have a child with significant SEN?

I don’t have anything to suggest but I want you to know as isolating as it feels, your not the only person going through this

My ds is 6 and has diagnosed ASD and global developmental delay and like you I’m certain there’s more to it because his behaviour is extremely difficult. If things aren’t done immediately to his liking he flips and his behaviour is extremely upsetting. I’m very concerned about what the future holds. I also have a younger dd with the same diagnosis who I hate witnesses his extreme behaviour. She is non verbal and has far less understanding so I’m not sure how much of it she takes in.

There are disability health visitors. You should have been assigned one at diagnosis. I can’t say mine have been hugely useful... if I hear mention of the word sensory room again I think I’ll need a sensory room to calm down! I would chase that up though as I believe they can refer to organisations that can open the path up to further intervention and if the situation gets desperate enough, medication. There is a medication that can help with anger issues in autistic children.

I hope it gets better for you soon op.

Use the time when they’re at school to have some down time, reduce the care you give grandma (easier said than done but you have no spare capacity for anyone just now). Talk to the school about how he is at home - while he may appear to be ok there he may be using a lot of energy masking at school which means you get the kickback at home. Look at the Not Fine at School website for more info.

Do contact social services and be absolutely clear about how badly you’re struggling and directly ask for the type of help you think would be useful eg respite care, befriending type services which would give you a break, carers support for you etc. Then stand your ground, keep going back to them and keep asking.

That does sound really tough, my son is also difficult but in a different way. You have my sympathy, so many parents who don't have children like this can be judgmental and blamey. But your child is predominantly acting out their genetics and I've found one of the hardest things is to face the fact that these children are difficult to love because they are constantly biting the hand that feeds them. As parents we give, give and give some more and generally only get abuse or some other negative reaction in return. It can feel really thankless. Just sending love and sympathy x

Op, do you think his pathological demand avoidance syndrome? He sounds a lot like my daughter (at one point I wondered if she had ODD). She also has OCD and ASD.

Caring for a child with pda is difficult and people rarely understand how hard it is. Normal ways of disciplining children don’t work. It might look to an outsider like I’m very soft with her but I am constantly trying to reduce her anxiety and sensory issues as they cause a lot of the worst behaviour.

Sending hugs. I hope you get some support, it’s so hard.

I'm afraid I have no experience of this OP, but would you consider letting him stay with the people that say 'if he stays with me I'll get him to behave'? I just wondered, because not only would it give you a little respite, but also it would help them, (I assume it's a family member), to see that the situation is far worse than they clearly imagine.

The difficulty with this is that the “I’ll get him to behave” types tend to be heavy on discipline which would be highly distressing for her son, and again he may behave there (strange environment = masking behaviours) leaving the OP feeling even worse and with a very distressed child.

@NameChanged15729 thank you! When he was diagnosed at 4ish he was signed off everything the same week. Services are really over stretched here I think. He is quite well supported at school so I cannot complain about that but as parents nothing.

Pre diagnosis when he was first put on the pathway I was told by children's services I needed to go on a parenting course but I had a newborn (Dd) at the time and they said I couldn't take her so I said I couldn't go at that point. I was sent a crappy letter saying that because I didn't take up the course I'd be taken off their list. I have done different courses since. Some helpful, some not so much. I've lost faith in everything tbh. I just feel like no ones ever wanted to help - even family. Don't expect anyone to have my kids but even just a listening ear would help!

I'm at rock bottom and I don't know how to get back up! 😪

It sounds like you are doing a great job in very difficult circumstances.
Absolutely contact SS for advice and support. You may be entitled to direct payments and a PA to give you respite. Or possibly short breaks etc. You can also contact carers support to look at what they can provide.
SS may be able to source a specialist service to work with your don and to advise on how to manage him or modify his behaviours. Implement controlled choices to help your son who is trying to take control anyway. Give him one or two options. I’m sure you are doing this already.
Ignore family members and well meaning advice about reward charts and taking away a sticker or adding one. Reward schemes very rarely work for kids with controlling and anxious behaviours.
Breathe. It’s ok to dislike him sometimes, you are human.
As for Dd as your local council for young carers support for her- they can provide valuable resources and therapies for kids who have a sibling with SEN

You say he behaves really well at school but at home behaviour deteriorates. This is common in ASD, it maybe shows he isn't coping as well as you think with school. A lot of children with ASD find the demands of school very difficult to cope with so by the time they get home in the afternoon they 'let go' and struggle to regulate. He maybe needs more time at school for relaxation/sensory processing.

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

I'm afraid I have no experience of this OP, but would you consider letting him stay with the people that say 'if he stays with me I'll get him to behave'? I just wondered, because not only would it give you a little respite, but also it would help them, (I assume it's a family member), to see that the situation is far worse than they clearly imagine. Sorry if it's not being helpful, but I just thought it might be worth suggesting. As for your not being good enough, please don't think this! We do our best with difficult children, and that's all we can do, but I'd definitely follow 'SunsetsandLollipops' advice. Good luck, and I hope things improve for you soon.

I honestly don't think they would cope. They have no idea how things have got. They just see a small snippet of it and they would soon be bringing him back for sure!