Reporting myself to social services.

[Rockbottom2910]

I have two children. Both with sen. The issues is with my eldest who is nearly 11, who is from a previous relationship. Dd with my partner. Dp has raised him as his own.

My eldest is diagnosed with asd. I also believe he has a array of other issues he's not been diagnosed with - adhd, ocd and odd perhaps! Getting an assessment is hard. He's very anxious at times too. He has a lot of personality traits of his dad too. His dad is a very self centred selfish man. He sees him every couple months. For an hour or two. Hardly any input in his life.

I can't cope with Ds. He's constantly, screaming, refusing to cooperate. He's good at school, it's all at home. He's making mine and the rest of our lives a misery. He is ruining his sisters life. Thankfully he's not physically aggressive but he shouts, screams and his very manipulative. He can go from really sweet and calm to a monster in minutes.

I try my best as a mother. He is loved, fed, clean and has everything he wants. Bought him nice stuff for Christmas and he's hardly looked at it. We take him out and do things. He goes to a good school.

He keeps stealing money from my purse.

He screams for his own way.

Shouts at his sister for no reason.

Basically he rules out life.

He doesn't take like seriously. He thinks it's all a game. we tell him off and be just laughs. We've always tried to set firm boundaries. He doesn't listen so we end up shouting at him to try and get him to listen.

I've been on courses, I am on Facebook groups for parents with children with similar needs. We've tried reward charts, social stories, visual timetables. Ignoring his behaviour because I think he does it for a reaction.

Me and dp are on the brink separating which is breaking our Dd's heart cos she knows things aren't right. She has sen but it's quite observant.

I don't get a break. He doesn't go sleep
Until 10pm+. I'm exhausted.

He doesn't ever chill out. Can't remember the last time I watched anything on tv. Or had any time to mhself.

My mental health has slipped badly. My blood pressure must be through the roof.

I feel Like reporting myself to social services. Tonight I lost my rag like I never have before. Nothing physical. But I started chucking stuff from his room down the stairs towards the window saying I'm going to bin it all. I screamed like never screamed before and dp had to grab me before I stormed out the house and never came back.

I literally couldn't care if he was took off me right now.

Dd has sen but doesn't have any behavioural issues. I can imagine all this is going to tuck her up in later life. She'll probably be better off in care too!

I am at rock bottom. I feel like it's my fault. I raised him totally on my own for the first 3 years.

I'm currently being assessed for asd too. It's genetic on my bio dads side (although I don't have a relationship with him I know this!). It's really triggering me.

I know I have made it sound like it is all about me but he really has no idea what his actions are doing to us as a once happy family!

His behavioural issues have gradually got worse over the years.

I think you sound loving & very strong. You are not reporting yourself, you are advocating for DS, for the benefit of him & your family

Also if there is any chance you could afford a psychotherapist then I would do that without any hesitation. Ours works with DS by working with me and it's been transformational.

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time

You can contact Social Services and ask for an Assessment of Needs for your child and family. If you have a child - or children! - with a disability then you are legally entitled to an assessment.

This leaflet (prepared by a charity for kids with disabilities) tells you how to go about getting a proper Social Services assessment that might bring some useful help:
newlifecharity.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/SocialCare_FINAL.pdf

Good luck OP. I've read your posts but not TFT. Calling children services doesn't mean he'll be taken off you. In our area there are different departments for Children With Disabilities and Children in Need (eg at risk of abuse). Families with CWD might get access to respite and it sounds like you could use it. Do call and find out what might be available for you - it'll start with an assessment - be up front about how hard it is but also be prepared for some difficult questions about how you keep your DD safe.

If you think he fits the PDA profile it is VITAL that everyone involved with him understands how this might present and treat him accordingly. You don't sound like you can handle any extra pressure right now but if you can learn about it and suggest new approaches to implement, particularly things to avoid doing like praise etc, then that's a start.
Referring yourself to SS is a good idea. They can do an Early Help assessment and see where to go from there. I've referred myself before and they've been helpful.

Call the social services children with disabilities gor assessment
Speak to your gp
Speak to school senco

So much of this thread resonates. I haven’t much to offer beyond a deeply tired sigh and a handhold.

Not sure if it’s been mentioned but you could self refer into thenEarly Help team?

@Royalbloo

Ban shouting at home and speak to him in positive ways where you expect him to do as he's told. Marble jar for praise. Enough marbles = a treat. Not enough = no treat.

Make is VERY clear:

We ALL hate shouting. Don't we? Let's stop that. All of us...

1 marble for brushing your teeth
-1 for screaming

+1 for x

Have no more than three. Keep it simple but keep it with boundaries and if they don't do it, say. "Fine." Then let it go.

They'll start to do it.

I didn't believe this for one second but my mum used to be a deputy head of a junior school and told me what to do when I was at the very end of my tether. It worked.

Bit simplistic for this situation.

Sorry if I'm repeating others advice , no time to read all comments. You can self refer to SS. In fact the only way to get certain help like respite care etc is if you have a social worker. It's not an admission of defeat but a means of getting help that you are entitled to.

Not read all the replies so sorry if this is repetition but sounds a lot like PDA profile, which my 9 yr old DS has. Parenting a PDA child is a whole different world but there are strategies that work, as long as you're ready to forget everything you know about traditional 'discipline'. PDA society website is a brilliant resource, and Harry Thompson on YouTube.
Lots of sympathy and solidarity, I can 100% relate.

Hi OP. I was able to self-refer for a disability social worker by going through my local consultation service who raised an early help. She's been great. She also helped me secure funding for a PA for short breaks - as your child has a sibling affected (same here) this should add weight to your case for help. Don't look at it as 'referring yourself'. Look at it as getting the help you are all entitled to.

No advice op but just wanted to say you're doing a great job under the circumstances

"Bbq1 Sun 09-Jan-22 22:29:42
Royalbloo
We have a "no shouting" rule at home. It's worked wonders for us all.

Really?
It's a child with SEN - clearly if it was a case of Op just telling her ds, "we have a no shouting rule at home" and he responded positively to that, she wouldn't be posting here for advice. Parenting a child with SEN and implementing behavioural boundaries is world's apart from those techniques used with a nt child."

To be fair, there is a lot of truth in the no shouting thing. As OP says herself, she's responding to the stress by having her own meltdowns, shouting and chucking stuff around.

Hi, sorry you’re experiencing this OP. Have you considered that he might have traits of a personality disorder such as BPD? This is sometimes called EUPD too. Personality Disorders are not normally diagnosed formally in the uK until 18YO, but traits can show up earlier.
CAMHS might be able to help you further….

FFS. Posted too soon!

FWIW, I have two DC both with SEN, one with high needs. And I'm autistic/have ADHD myself. So I absolutely understand the struggle.

But learning how to minimise your responses and ensure you're not shouting really does make a big difference. No one says it's easy but your DC isn't "naughty", they're anxious, overwhelmed and overstimulated - the reason they are different at home than at school is because it's a safe place. You are his safety. He needs you more than he could ever put into words.

You need strategies for when you're at breaking point. Whether it's a walk around the block. Between you and your DP, work out how you can support each other when things are getting too much. Would your DD go out for a walk with the other parent when things are building up in the house?

It's bloody hard when you're trying to protect one SEN child while simultaneously trying to manage another who's having a meltdown. Been there many, many times. I completely sympathise. It's so hard, and if you've not been there, it's so easy to judge.

Your DS sounds as if he has a PDA profile - and understanding what that means will help. Demands will make him feel anxious, even if he wants to comply. Reward charts etc won't help. Giving him the mechanisms that allow him to feel as if he's not spiralling out of control will help calm him. Allow him space to make his decisions, or provide a response. Every child is different, but I know this helps with my autistic, PDA DC.

I know it's really hard to stop shouting when you're overwhelmed, tired and frustrated but it's such an important step for an autistic DC. It's not just about modelling the behaviour you want, it's about reducing stress and anxiety.

I promise there's absolutely no judgement from me. It's a very tough path and you need help. I also suggest that you give yourself a break while they're at school. The house doesn't need to be a show home. As long as it's basically clean, don't worry about anything else. You need time to breathe, and take some time to care for your mental health. That's way more important than scrubbing skirting boards.

You are doing well in a really tough situation OP - you really do deserve more support.

If you need a listening ear - do think about calling the Samaritans. No advice will be given - listeners know that they don't have the expertise on your situation- but they will really listen and let you think aloud as you sort things out in your mind.

No advice but yanbu to need and ask for help. Sounds very similar to my 8yo and I’m constantly mentally drained too x

PDA definitely sounds like a possibility to me too

We have a no shouting rule at home too. When we're all ND in one way or another though, it's not the most successful house rule. (slight understatement...)

Make as much noise as you can.

Be prepared for a wait, mind. I agreed to ds2's teacher making a social care referral for him just before the start of the pandemic. Still waiting for anything more than endless annoying meetings to come out of it, almost 2 years later.

[quote Carolofthebells2]@WindInTheWillows7 ‘ Could you eliminate all devices? So there is no tablet/nintendo to get upset about. Just a thought.’

Do you have a child with asc, adhd, pda? This would be really, really, really hard to do.

@Rockbottom2910 if he stays asleep once he gets to sleep, then melatonin may be a godsend to you. It was a game changer for us, although once it wears off (he was prescribed slow release melatonin, but it seems to last 4 hours or so) he was waking up again. Melatonin helps you get to sleep (as opposed to staying asleep).

If you don’t have a paediatrician to prescribe it, either ask your gp to refer you to one and/or order some melatonin gummies from the internet - they are bailable otc in a,Erica and I think the site that I’ve heard recommended a lot is biovea.com - the 5mg melatonin gummies are what many people use.

Melatonin is a naturally produced hormone that helps with sleeping. People with asc don’t produce as much melatonin at night time and can struggle to get to sleep as a result.[/quote]
I was replying to a poster who said most of their child's upsets seem to be related to devices

Being an fostered and adopted child myself I can say with 100% certainty that a child is almost never better of without his mother.
Even if the mother was an alcoholic drug addict as was my case.
You however seem to be trying very hard which is well above some of the foster parents I have experienced. So don't be so hard on yourself.
I was a little shit myself, understandably maybe due to my history but a little conniving manipulating aggressive shit nonetheless. My adoptive father didn't know where to go anymore and made back than really weird change: He started to smile and whistle a lot and simply stopped getting angry, I mean at all!. And when I had done something horrible again or called him all kinds of names because he didn't let me do what I wanted he would put on an even bigger smile and tell me straight in the face with that big smile that I was being seriously disrespectful, insulting and that I hurt him deeply. He would then device a consequence , like take me right out of basketball once. He did this calmly, he walked over to the phone, called the coach and told him in front of me that I would no longer be attending as I hadn't learned the meaning of respect yet.
The consequences obviously taught me a lesson eventually, but it was the fact that he just simply wouldn't get angry anymore, wouldn't rise up to my challenges.
In that same period, he joined a train club, choir, and cooking club. He basically decided to make himself happy and stop reacting to all my antics.

Just food for thought.

My DS (who has ADD) and I have the most issues between us, but also the most understanding. In trying to connect with him and help him focus and communicate I know I can challenge him and yet moving through it he also then relates better with other people.

It sounds like a similar situation for you, where you are working your hardest, know him the best, and yet you also take the brunt of his frustrations.

He is better off with you and you are doing all you can; however, you are human and if you get angry and frustrated it's not on purpose or because you don't care, so forgive yourself!

WHave you thought about contact charities...Mencap or Contact aFamily as they might be able to offer some actual help/ respite. Mencap here have reliable babysitters so you could have a night out.

I haven't RTFT but this sounds really tough and I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you get some support and respite and time for you