Reporting myself to social services.

[Rockbottom2910]

I have two children. Both with sen. The issues is with my eldest who is nearly 11, who is from a previous relationship. Dd with my partner. Dp has raised him as his own.

My eldest is diagnosed with asd. I also believe he has a array of other issues he's not been diagnosed with - adhd, ocd and odd perhaps! Getting an assessment is hard. He's very anxious at times too. He has a lot of personality traits of his dad too. His dad is a very self centred selfish man. He sees him every couple months. For an hour or two. Hardly any input in his life.

I can't cope with Ds. He's constantly, screaming, refusing to cooperate. He's good at school, it's all at home. He's making mine and the rest of our lives a misery. He is ruining his sisters life. Thankfully he's not physically aggressive but he shouts, screams and his very manipulative. He can go from really sweet and calm to a monster in minutes.

I try my best as a mother. He is loved, fed, clean and has everything he wants. Bought him nice stuff for Christmas and he's hardly looked at it. We take him out and do things. He goes to a good school.

He keeps stealing money from my purse.

He screams for his own way.

Shouts at his sister for no reason.

Basically he rules out life.

He doesn't take like seriously. He thinks it's all a game. we tell him off and be just laughs. We've always tried to set firm boundaries. He doesn't listen so we end up shouting at him to try and get him to listen.

I've been on courses, I am on Facebook groups for parents with children with similar needs. We've tried reward charts, social stories, visual timetables. Ignoring his behaviour because I think he does it for a reaction.

Me and dp are on the brink separating which is breaking our Dd's heart cos she knows things aren't right. She has sen but it's quite observant.

I don't get a break. He doesn't go sleep
Until 10pm+. I'm exhausted.

He doesn't ever chill out. Can't remember the last time I watched anything on tv. Or had any time to mhself.

My mental health has slipped badly. My blood pressure must be through the roof.

I feel Like reporting myself to social services. Tonight I lost my rag like I never have before. Nothing physical. But I started chucking stuff from his room down the stairs towards the window saying I'm going to bin it all. I screamed like never screamed before and dp had to grab me before I stormed out the house and never came back.

I literally couldn't care if he was took off me right now.

Dd has sen but doesn't have any behavioural issues. I can imagine all this is going to tuck her up in later life. She'll probably be better off in care too!

I am at rock bottom. I feel like it's my fault. I raised him totally on my own for the first 3 years.

I'm currently being assessed for asd too. It's genetic on my bio dads side (although I don't have a relationship with him I know this!). It's really triggering me.

I know I have made it sound like it is all about me but he really has no idea what his actions are doing to us as a once happy family!

His behavioural issues have gradually got worse over the years.

@Sydendad

Being an fostered and adopted child myself I can say with 100% certainty that a child is almost never better of without his mother. Even if the mother was an alcoholic drug addict as was my case. You however seem to be trying very hard which is well above some of the foster parents I have experienced. So don't be so hard on yourself. I was a little shit myself, understandably maybe due to my history but a little conniving manipulating aggressive shit nonetheless. My adoptive father didn't know where to go anymore and made back than really weird change: He started to smile and whistle a lot and simply stopped getting angry, I mean at all!. And when I had done something horrible again or called him all kinds of names because he didn't let me do what I wanted he would put on an even bigger smile and tell me straight in the face with that big smile that I was being seriously disrespectful, insulting and that I hurt him deeply. He would then device a consequence , like take me right out of basketball once. He did this calmly, he walked over to the phone, called the coach and told him in front of me that I would no longer be attending as I hadn't learned the meaning of respect yet. The consequences obviously taught me a lesson eventually, but it was the fact that he just simply wouldn't get angry anymore, wouldn't rise up to my challenges. In that same period, he joined a train club, choir, and cooking club. He basically decided to make himself happy and stop reacting to all my antics.

Just food for thought.

I've been in care and my opinion is the complete opposite. The only 'advantage' to staying in my home with my abusive parent was that I had somewhere to live that wasn't swept under the rug when foster parents decided they didn't like me.

I had mixed experiences with foster parents but your chance of finding ones who wont harm you are higher than staying in the home and facing consistent abuse that won't change. Obviously people experience different things though and either way you'll have scars.

@Lotusmonster

BPD and ASD have almost the same list of traits. It is recognised by MH professionals that a lot of people with a BPD diagnosis may actually be autistic, especially women:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5590952/

(Sorry for derail, OP, I hope you get the help you need with DS!).

Sorry to confess I've not read all replies BUT just had to make the point that autistic kids react very differently to screens.

With NT children it seems to increase inattention, create problems, whereas for neuro diverse children is a refuge, and usually results in the child feeling calmer, happier, less anxious. I learnt this at a parenting course that was led by autistic adults, scientists among the group, and it made a huge difference to my guilt about screens.

I know it doesn't help OP but all this behaviour is because of anxiety, sensory overload, confusion, feeling overwhelmed, it's not because the child is BAD.

I loved the renaming of PDA further up, as I hate that particular label - and all that it implies.

OP, if you're still reading, it's completely unfair to expect you to be able to do this alone. The reason you get struck off the list for missing one course is because they still work on the premise of"fault". It's your fault for not attending a course, it's his fault for not listening, whatever. If it was an easy fix they'd be coming over themselves to help us. They're not, because they know it's a complete nightmare.

I agree with turning up in person, or calling daily til someone gets back to you with a real outcome, appt, whatever.

There aren't enough staff, there isn't enough money, but that's NOT YOUR CONCERN. Your only job is to get through this with all limbs, and hopefully relationships, intact. You have to be a thorn in their side until you get proper help.

Good luck. Maybe I should re-read my own post, and take my own advice

Not read all the replies but definitely speak to social services you would probably be assigned a support worker who can look at what help you need, see if there's any services they can refer to and possibly do intervention work with children. It's not failing to get support and unless the children are at risk it's entirely your choice to get them involved.

@DreamTheMoors

One suggestion I could make is instead of telephoning, go in. Go in to SS and have a very frank talk with someone about your situation. When you can look someone in the eyes — when they can look into your eyes — it sometimes makes all the difference. They have to look at you. They have to listen to you. They can see and hear your distress. You can MAKE SURE they’re paying attention and not shuffling through paperwork or folders on their desk, or even reading a magazine. I wish you luck - and love. ❤️

I find putting these things in writing is effective. Make sure there is an audit trail so that they are more likely to help you. Also, I would put something in writing to the GP and stress it's urgent. The council should be able to give you a disability social worker. Don't accept a standard social worker as they often don't have a clue and carry out a safeguarding assessment which is just a pain you don't need.

Also self refer to Occupational therapy and explain urgent.

Also if you haven't already got melatonin or something to help him sleep, consider this. I found it a game changer in terms of behaviour. If he sleeps well his behaviour is way better.

Like someone has said above, you will be entitled to respite and a carers assessment. We get money from the council for respite and support.

Take a multi pronged approach cos some of these services are slow to kick off and it sounds like you need help urgently.

And definitely don't send him to those relatives who think they know it all. He needs his own home with consistency.

Write to CAMHS too explaining urgency for referral, self refer to OT also explaining urgency and the family impact statement sounds terrific. Write to GP. Double up with phone calls. Ask council for urgent referral to disability social worker.. Email your MP through writetothem.com.

I was told by statutory services that you can ask for a multi agency meeting about the child with stakeholders from different statutory orgs like school, health services, ASD support services etc.

Sorry to hijqck this thread but we find ourselves in a very similar situation with my DD who is 9. We have bumbled along for years but it really feels like it's hitting a crisis point now and it could well be ASD related.

Could someone with all their knowledge on this thread tell me exactly what to do if I can fund things myself. I'm on Herts Essex border. I recently found there's a good paediatrician Norwich area based who will diagnose ASD. Or do I need a psychotherapist or speak to the GP first?

Any info would be great. And OP you have my sympathies. I feel like a failure over the whole thing too. It feels devastating at times

contact.org.uk/help-for-families/listening-ear/

^ A service for parents who need a chat with other understanding parents of disabled kids

www.kids.org.uk/sendiass

^ intro to SENDIASS - local sendiass services are amazeballs for helping you access help locally and providing advice.

Every council has a monitoring officer who is a solicitor and to whom you can complain if councils are acting unlawfully.

Local council ombudsman - you can complain also if the council isn't sorting out their obligations to you and your family.

@lborgia thank you for your reply. Sometimes my sons screen time is the only down time he gets and we get so sometimes it is not limited. The problem is he's so literal. If he's told screen time is bad for you one day at school, he will come home and not use any screens - not even for homework. Not good but sometimes him on the computer is the only time I have to cook dinner in peace or do homework with my youngest for example. Something we are working on is teaching Him that balance is the key. Screen time is okay!

Hi op. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I am in a similar situation with my 10yo dd. The days lurch from incident to incident. We're all on egg shells and it's starting to impact my other children. I'm wondering why school aren't involved? I was straight in there the minute this all started. I have the same as you, she displays not a jot of the behaviour at school so for a good year or so the school didn't really take too much notice. The thing that did get them to notice was her behaviour on the way to school. One day it happened to be that she was still in the middle of a meltdown (apologies if that word offends anyone I'm not sure what else to call it) at the school gates. I was crying she was crying. I was at the end of my tether. In the end I called inside the school and asked them to send out the head. She came out and saw it all for herself. In some ways, while it was exceptionally embarrassing to be seen crying outside the school at drop off, I'm so glad it happened because since then they have been absolutely brilliant. We did have to wait a year on the list for a cmhs referral but that's just how it is. She recently started seeing the school therapist and it's not actually improving. If anything it's worse but we are now at least getting help from professionals and taking some steps forward. It's a horrendous situation overall and my heart is broken from it. I'm sending you virtual wine / tea/ patience / strength / all the things!

Hi Op, disabilities S.W here. We get lots of self referrals and lots from schools so youcan self refer or perhaps better ask school to do it fornyou. My team (depends where you are) would assess which would take about 5 weeks and then of you met the threshold would pt in support package. This couldninvolve things like respite and parenting support. Because funding is tight the threshold is high but from what you have said def worth a try.

You're more than welcome, it's important to know it's OK to ignore the general wisdom, that sometimes it doesn't include you or your children.

@SunsetsAndLollypops

Hi op. I also have worked in this sector for many years. You don’t need to “report yourself “. You do however need to contact children’s services and explain very clearly that you need help! Unfortunately services are so stretched that often people fall through the net as it were. You need to make yourself heard and not be fobbed off. It’s sad but honestly my advice is shout until you are heard. There is support out there

It's this.

I know you are exhausted but you need to gather all your strength and make a massive fuss. I'd also contact your GP to get them to help. Emphasis the damage this is doing to your daughter. Your son needs an active social worker and some help to get him on track. It may be as a PP says that standard school is too much for him, and a more specialised school would be better.

Also, dependent on area, if you don't meet the threshold there might be a family support service that sits below Social Services, if you didn't qualify for help from us, we would hand ou to them, they do behaviour support etc.

It might sound counterintuitive, but whilst you're waiting for professional help for you son it will really help the situation if you can focus on self care and putting yourself in the best possible position to parent. You might find this group useful. It was established by a lady I know whose children have SEN with a focus on supporting the mothers of children with SEN.

thank you everyone. I wish I could reply to each one of you but simply haven't got the time. I have read them all though. I didn't expect such a response, thank you. After having a massive panic attack last night, I've slept on it and today I am going to get the ball rolling talking to the school (although I have already last week and they are dismissive), going to contact my local early help or children's services department so hopefully they can signpost or refer me to the correct services and contact the doctors for myself as my MH has slipped and perhaps do a doctors appointment for DS dependent on how helpful my local early help services turns out to be.in the past the doctors have just told me to use the early help service anyway 🤷‍♀️

Dd is going to dp's mums after school so I can have some 1:1 time with Ds and I intend to do the same the other way round so I'll get 1:1 time with with Dd too! His behaviour seems to be worse when we are all together. When it's just me or do with him it seems to improve.

I hear you too OP. You could be describing my life ten years ago with my DS.

I contacted social services but there was no support, I didn't make a fuss and ihouid have done as life was horrendous.

Nine years on life is totally different but mainly as my son moved to a special school and got better support which made life easier at home.
He's now 19 and a joy to be around

I have ADHD myself and Aspergers which explained a lot of things about why I struggled....my son and I are similar people and used to clash.

Now he just laughs and says "I got your brain Mum, cheers for that".

Make a fuss with social services, there's more support out there these days which includes community services which have sprung up to plug gaps.

@Sydendad

Being an fostered and adopted child myself I can say with 100% certainty that a child is almost never better of without his mother. Even if the mother was an alcoholic drug addict as was my case. You however seem to be trying very hard which is well above some of the foster parents I have experienced. So don't be so hard on yourself. I was a little shit myself, understandably maybe due to my history but a little conniving manipulating aggressive shit nonetheless. My adoptive father didn't know where to go anymore and made back than really weird change: He started to smile and whistle a lot and simply stopped getting angry, I mean at all!. And when I had done something horrible again or called him all kinds of names because he didn't let me do what I wanted he would put on an even bigger smile and tell me straight in the face with that big smile that I was being seriously disrespectful, insulting and that I hurt him deeply. He would then device a consequence , like take me right out of basketball once. He did this calmly, he walked over to the phone, called the coach and told him in front of me that I would no longer be attending as I hadn't learned the meaning of respect yet. The consequences obviously taught me a lesson eventually, but it was the fact that he just simply wouldn't get angry anymore, wouldn't rise up to my challenges. In that same period, he joined a train club, choir, and cooking club. He basically decided to make himself happy and stop reacting to all my antics.

Just food for thought.

I'm not sure whether you are posting that as an idea but it sounds horribly abusive to me. Children need empathy- particularly when they are dysregulated and the smiling and whistling is the exact opposite of that.

I'm sorry that was your experience of adoption

Something I did, if it may be applicable to you, is self referred to the young carers charity in my area (my DCs help a lot as I have physical issues too). It has a much shorter waiting list for help.