Reporting myself to social services.

[Rockbottom2910]

I have two children. Both with sen. The issues is with my eldest who is nearly 11, who is from a previous relationship. Dd with my partner. Dp has raised him as his own.

My eldest is diagnosed with asd. I also believe he has a array of other issues he's not been diagnosed with - adhd, ocd and odd perhaps! Getting an assessment is hard. He's very anxious at times too. He has a lot of personality traits of his dad too. His dad is a very self centred selfish man. He sees him every couple months. For an hour or two. Hardly any input in his life.

I can't cope with Ds. He's constantly, screaming, refusing to cooperate. He's good at school, it's all at home. He's making mine and the rest of our lives a misery. He is ruining his sisters life. Thankfully he's not physically aggressive but he shouts, screams and his very manipulative. He can go from really sweet and calm to a monster in minutes.

I try my best as a mother. He is loved, fed, clean and has everything he wants. Bought him nice stuff for Christmas and he's hardly looked at it. We take him out and do things. He goes to a good school.

He keeps stealing money from my purse.

He screams for his own way.

Shouts at his sister for no reason.

Basically he rules out life.

He doesn't take like seriously. He thinks it's all a game. we tell him off and be just laughs. We've always tried to set firm boundaries. He doesn't listen so we end up shouting at him to try and get him to listen.

I've been on courses, I am on Facebook groups for parents with children with similar needs. We've tried reward charts, social stories, visual timetables. Ignoring his behaviour because I think he does it for a reaction.

Me and dp are on the brink separating which is breaking our Dd's heart cos she knows things aren't right. She has sen but it's quite observant.

I don't get a break. He doesn't go sleep
Until 10pm+. I'm exhausted.

He doesn't ever chill out. Can't remember the last time I watched anything on tv. Or had any time to mhself.

My mental health has slipped badly. My blood pressure must be through the roof.

I feel Like reporting myself to social services. Tonight I lost my rag like I never have before. Nothing physical. But I started chucking stuff from his room down the stairs towards the window saying I'm going to bin it all. I screamed like never screamed before and dp had to grab me before I stormed out the house and never came back.

I literally couldn't care if he was took off me right now.

Dd has sen but doesn't have any behavioural issues. I can imagine all this is going to tuck her up in later life. She'll probably be better off in care too!

I am at rock bottom. I feel like it's my fault. I raised him totally on my own for the first 3 years.

I'm currently being assessed for asd too. It's genetic on my bio dads side (although I don't have a relationship with him I know this!). It's really triggering me.

I know I have made it sound like it is all about me but he really has no idea what his actions are doing to us as a once happy family!

His behavioural issues have gradually got worse over the years.

@Royalbloo

Ban shouting at home and speak to him in positive ways where you expect him to do as he's told. Marble jar for praise. Enough marbles = a treat. Not enough = no treat.

Make is VERY clear:

We ALL hate shouting. Don't we? Let's stop that. All of us...

1 marble for brushing your teeth
-1 for screaming

+1 for x

Have no more than three. Keep it simple but keep it with boundaries and if they don't do it, say. "Fine." Then let it go.

They'll start to do it.

I didn't believe this for one second but my mum used to be a deputy head of a junior school and told me what to do when I was at the very end of my tether. It worked.

Something like this would never work for the PDA and ODD children I know. Would have led to a major meltdown through the demands and expectations.

Sorry, just seen that he doesn’t have a paediatrician, it’s worth speaking to your gp about a referral. Just keep asking for help from the every service you can. It’s not fair that we as parents have to go into battle all the time to ensure our children who have additional needs get the resources and therapy they need but unfortunately, that’s the world we live in.

Just know, you’re not alone.

@WindInTheWillows7 ‘ Could you eliminate all devices? So there is no tablet/nintendo to get upset about. Just a thought.’

Do you have a child with asc, adhd, pda? This would be really, really, really hard to do.

@Rockbottom2910 if he stays asleep once he gets to sleep, then melatonin may be a godsend to you. It was a game changer for us, although once it wears off (he was prescribed slow release melatonin, but it seems to last 4 hours or so) he was waking up again. Melatonin helps you get to sleep (as opposed to staying asleep).

If you don’t have a paediatrician to prescribe it, either ask your gp to refer you to one and/or order some melatonin gummies from the internet - they are bailable otc in a,Erica and I think the site that I’ve heard recommended a lot is biovea.com - the 5mg melatonin gummies are what many people use.

Melatonin is a naturally produced hormone that helps with sleeping. People with asc don’t produce as much melatonin at night time and can struggle to get to sleep as a result.

Windinthewillows..yeah you are totally right about eliminating them..I typed this really quick..he is not on them all the time but I currently work from home so sometimes I have to let him play them when I am in on my own which is a lot..spending more time with him is the key, it's just so hare to juggle everything ☹

‘ bailable otc in a,Erica ’

..gobbledygook!

Should read ‘available otc in America’

OP, I'm sorry everything is so hard.

You must try to reframe this to yourself. If you go in with the attitude that you are 'reporting yourself to social services' it's filled with shame and self-negation; far better to look at it as asking for help because you don't like the way things are and want to do the right thing by yourself and your family.

@Royalbloo

Ban shouting at home and speak to him in positive ways where you expect him to do as he's told. Marble jar for praise. Enough marbles = a treat. Not enough = no treat.

Make is VERY clear:

We ALL hate shouting. Don't we? Let's stop that. All of us...

1 marble for brushing your teeth
-1 for screaming

+1 for x

Have no more than three. Keep it simple but keep it with boundaries and if they don't do it, say. "Fine." Then let it go.

They'll start to do it.

I didn't believe this for one second but my mum used to be a deputy head of a junior school and told me what to do when I was at the very end of my tether. It worked.

My child had asd and reward stuff doesn’t work for him. He gets so much anxiety about the actual reward system itself that it makes his behaviour worse. I think this is common with asd

Do contact social service, you can also ask for a carers assessment to get extra help in the form or respite.
It’s pretty common for them to behave well at school (my dd does too) because the routine. We get respite but since covid we have struggled to employ respite carers so have had no respite for over a 18 months 😭. Services and help after diagnosis is pretty non existent.

My son is 11 with asd and a range of other issues awaiting diagnosis. He is loving one minute and the next he wants to kill Mr or run away. No in-between. I suggest contacting your gp for support. They can refer to cahms for help managing behaviour. It takes time but we have just started seeing them so I am hopeful. Currently my son keeps getting suspended which is not helping our situation. He will be picking up on your vibes. I suggest seeing your gp for you too. Don't be afraid to ask for help. We contacted social services for help getting his ehcp as had been refused 3 times. They can be very helpful. It may be worth reaching out as they may be able to offer support.

Would it be worth talking to the school to find out what techniques they use? I'm guessing last year of primary school, could he be starting the anxious thoughts of moving to high school?

My children's school had a family support worker who worked alongside the SENCO.Doe's Your sons school have one?;can you ask?

Sorry no advice I just wanted to add my support, as I am in almost exactly the same situation life’s bloody difficult isn’t it, I too have a younger child he’s 2 and a half and NT as far as we can tell. The way he looks when he’s watching him tantrum and roar makes me cry 😢 we’re most often on our own when he creates hell so it’s impossible to split myself in half to comfort little one and contain the big one 😞

@Rockbottom2910 that's understandable. I was just thinking, if you didn't have to do so much around the house, you could get some counselling, attend a support group, get a massage, attend a painting class, go swimming... and then you'll maybe feel more clear-headed and prepared when DS comes home from school. I understand if it isn't an affordable option though.

@Cakeelf

You poor thing he sounds like a really unpleasant child - could he go to a residential school/home? It’s really not fair on your little girl for him to ruin her family life :(

Yep send the 'unpleasant' child to residential.

He's 'unpleasant' for reasons arising form his DISABILITIES.

It might be unpleasant to live around but I wouldn't go as far to say he was unpleasant himself.

@Cakeelf ‘ Would it be worth talking to the school to find out what techniques they use? ’

OP, read up about masking, and the coke bottle effect for autistic children. My son was diagnosed late, and I thought for years that it was ‘just’ my bad parenting skills as he was fine at school. But he wasn’t, he was masking, which is unsustainable for most (year 5 for my son, he couldn’t do it any more).

And yes cleaning can help me stay sane too, sometimes! Sometimes I know I should go for a walk but I fear all that headspace will make my thoughts wonder and make me even more depressed. So totally understand.

I'm just going to second the book and approach in The Explosive Child and the FB group that goes with it. It's really well reviewed for children with pda tendencies. It's not an easy change to make but worth a go if you're at rock bottom.

Find the sen support group that handles EHCPs for your council area. They may be some use in seeing if you can apply for DSA/pip for your DS. Talk to his Senco and also talk to your DD’s teacher and senco if different and find young carers support - it will perhaps give her some ‘normal’ time when DS isn’t kicking off. Tell school you are at rock bottom and when asking for help remember to describe the worst day not the okish ones. All the courses and reading stuff are ok when you sense you are heading towards a crisis or have a small amount of breathing space but it’s impossible to get much from them when you are in the middle of a crisis. Sadly, you have to be screaming for help persistently to get it at present but there is nothing to be ashamed about being very loud and persistent in saying you need help now. The national sen support groups are good for telling you what you should be after and are entitled too and getting it now while DS is small enough to manage means you’lll have it when he hits teenage years

In my experience most schools (even pretty good ones) know fuck all beyond a bit of 'choices' and maybe social stories? They're not even vaguely equipped to deal with complex children. Ss might be helpful but again, IME, you need a SW who has specific training and really wants to help. But they might signpost?

A good place to start might be the PACE type strategies recommended by - I think - Dan Hughes (?) He does loads of stuff for kids with attachment/trauma backgrounds but I think it's good for getting yourself out of the reward/sanction mindset and into working together? And we do DDP type therapeutic parenting, again worth looking into as strategies because there's a lot of don'ts out there and it can be hard to find the dos...

@WindInTheWillows7

And yes cleaning can help me stay sane too, sometimes! Sometimes I know I should go for a walk but I fear all that headspace will make my thoughts wonder and make me even more depressed. So totally understand.

I think it's just finding the thing that increases your 'zone of tolerance'. For me that's definitely not cleaning but it's a rich and varied world!

I second the post written by DreamtheMoors. You definitely need to pin down someone in Social Services and be prepared to do it several times if necessary. Years ago, the Social Worker responsible for my son was avoiding my emails (can’t use phone as I’m deaf) and Headteacher and class teacher reached end of their patience with them avoiding me and their calls so went to Social Services office.
It was hellish time, my son who has multiple and complex disabilities governed everything in our family life. Ended up divorced (other issues too). But ultimately want to say you have my every sympathy and I really feel for you as this took me back to those years of son at centre of family and permanently on high alert.
Best wishes and hugs

@Royalbloo

We have a "no shouting" rule at home. It's worked wonders for us all.

Really? It's a child with SEN - clearly if it was a case of Op just telling her ds, "we have a no shouting rule at home" and he responded positively to that, she wouldn't be posting here for advice. Parenting a child with SEN and implementing behavioural boundaries is world's apart from those techniques used with a nt child.

@Royalbloo

We have a "no shouting" rule at home. It's worked wonders for us all.

..... your child doesn't have significant special needs does he?

Please contact Early Help. It's a precursor to social services.
They can offer some amazing support and, if needs be, enrol Social Services who might well be able to offer respite care etc.. if needs be.

Please don't be afraid of approaching them. They're there to help. Your school's Family Liaison Officer should also be a point of contact and will help you with your referral.