Reporting myself to social services.

[Rockbottom2910]

I have two children. Both with sen. The issues is with my eldest who is nearly 11, who is from a previous relationship. Dd with my partner. Dp has raised him as his own.

My eldest is diagnosed with asd. I also believe he has a array of other issues he's not been diagnosed with - adhd, ocd and odd perhaps! Getting an assessment is hard. He's very anxious at times too. He has a lot of personality traits of his dad too. His dad is a very self centred selfish man. He sees him every couple months. For an hour or two. Hardly any input in his life.

I can't cope with Ds. He's constantly, screaming, refusing to cooperate. He's good at school, it's all at home. He's making mine and the rest of our lives a misery. He is ruining his sisters life. Thankfully he's not physically aggressive but he shouts, screams and his very manipulative. He can go from really sweet and calm to a monster in minutes.

I try my best as a mother. He is loved, fed, clean and has everything he wants. Bought him nice stuff for Christmas and he's hardly looked at it. We take him out and do things. He goes to a good school.

He keeps stealing money from my purse.

He screams for his own way.

Shouts at his sister for no reason.

Basically he rules out life.

He doesn't take like seriously. He thinks it's all a game. we tell him off and be just laughs. We've always tried to set firm boundaries. He doesn't listen so we end up shouting at him to try and get him to listen.

I've been on courses, I am on Facebook groups for parents with children with similar needs. We've tried reward charts, social stories, visual timetables. Ignoring his behaviour because I think he does it for a reaction.

Me and dp are on the brink separating which is breaking our Dd's heart cos she knows things aren't right. She has sen but it's quite observant.

I don't get a break. He doesn't go sleep
Until 10pm+. I'm exhausted.

He doesn't ever chill out. Can't remember the last time I watched anything on tv. Or had any time to mhself.

My mental health has slipped badly. My blood pressure must be through the roof.

I feel Like reporting myself to social services. Tonight I lost my rag like I never have before. Nothing physical. But I started chucking stuff from his room down the stairs towards the window saying I'm going to bin it all. I screamed like never screamed before and dp had to grab me before I stormed out the house and never came back.

I literally couldn't care if he was took off me right now.

Dd has sen but doesn't have any behavioural issues. I can imagine all this is going to tuck her up in later life. She'll probably be better off in care too!

I am at rock bottom. I feel like it's my fault. I raised him totally on my own for the first 3 years.

I'm currently being assessed for asd too. It's genetic on my bio dads side (although I don't have a relationship with him I know this!). It's really triggering me.

I know I have made it sound like it is all about me but he really has no idea what his actions are doing to us as a once happy family!

His behavioural issues have gradually got worse over the years.

@stealthninjamum

Op, do you think his pathological demand avoidance syndrome? He sounds a lot like my daughter (at one point I wondered if she had ODD). She also has OCD and ASD.

Caring for a child with pda is difficult and people rarely understand how hard it is. Normal ways of disciplining children don’t work. It might look to an outsider like I’m very soft with her but I am constantly trying to reduce her anxiety and sensory issues as they cause a lot of the worst behaviour.

Sending hugs. I hope you get some support, it’s so hard.

I will Look it up thank you! I need to try and get a referral with camhs. But it's difficult as the school sees no major issues and my doctors aren't the easiest to get hold of. Doesn't help he cannot explain how he's feeling a lot of the time!

Thank you everyone. I am reading through replies. I haven't got time to reply to each one individually 💕 I'm lying in bed now leaving Dp to try and settle Ds. He's quiet at the minute but all hell will break loose shortly again I expect. Quiet = calm before the storm here! Can escalate in seconds.!

You are doing your very best, so please don't be so harsh on yourself. You're human, and sometimes you just get to the end of your tether.

As a pp said, I would definitely try to liaise with the school - he may be constantly anxious at school trying to control his emotions, so that when he gets home, he feels safe enough to let out all the anxieties from his day at school.

It would be a very good idea to contact SS. You are in dire need of support - whether it be some respite, a worker who can take him out to do an activity and try to get to his underlying thoughts and feelings as to why he's displaying challenging behaviours at home.

Sorry, I'm sure you've heard this kind of advice numerous times. I wish you all the best.

@Rockbottom2910 sorry long post!

I won't patronise you and tell you courses to do / books to read. You've probably done it all several times over. I have and none of it works. Spent a fortune on books / millions of hours of my time reading tips / doing online courses over the years.

My ds is extremely high needs and some of what you say sounds v familiar. Ds is also aggressive / physical and it's usually aimed at me (I'm with him most, takes all his frustrations out on me). He needs constant supervision and it's that which is the most draining for me. He's 8 and I can't even leave him unsupervised whilst I go to the toilet. My dh also works unsociable shifts, if he's not at work he's asleep in the day for work that night etc, not much help from him really due to his work.

I cope by ds going to school (not full time tho atm, long story) with his transport he's out the house 4.5 hours a day, it's just enough for me to charge my batteries a bit / think straight etc, he's just gone to sleep now and this hour of silence before I go up, i could bottle it!! It's magical 😂

Can you just do an hour cleaning in the morning? Do you need to spend all day whilst they are in school cleaning? Set one hour each morning, what doesn't get done, do the next day! My house is clean and tidy and I do 1 hour (sometimes less) when he's gone.

Can anyone else help out with your grandma? You have enough on your plate! It's not fair for that to be only your responsibility. Any other family members to help? Carers?

Don't even think of going back to work yet!

Does your ds take sleep medication? Mine is on 2 diff ones taken together each night. If not you need to ask for some.

You said you think he has adhd. Has he been referred for adhd testing for adhd medication?

Can you speak to your GP for something for yourself? Antidepressants?

Ask social services for help, but your not referring yourself because you've done anything wrong, so don't think like that. You need some respite. Ask to speak to the children's disabilities team.

Loads of sympathy from me, it's really really tough!!

You done the right thing.
He needs intense counselling and behavioural therapy which is very hard to get.
I'd have an honest chat with him at a time when he is calm, no blaming, it's a fragile age and without help now it'll hurt him later.
Love bomb him even when you want to lose it.

Read up on PDA (short for pathological demand avoidance. But my preference is that it should be short for Persistent Desire for Autonomy). The book by Dr Ross Greene called the Explosive Child is eye opening (if somewhat repetitive after the first couple of chapters). Once you’ve read this, join Facebook groups for ‘plan B’ and ‘therapeutic parenting’.

It’s not a quick fix in any way. But it might help a little bit.

I’ve been where you are - I could have so easily got in the car and just driven off somewhere, rented a studio flat away from everyone. To be honest, I often still could.

I phoned them and asked for help. My son has ASD and i had fallen to bits because he couldn't stay at the mainstream child minder or childcare and i was defeated. This was ten years ago or so now. Told them I wasn't coping. They gave me help and some short breaks - helped me turn all our lives around.

Also, does your son have a pupil support teacher at school? Perhaps, you could inform the school when you have had a particularly challenging night with him. They could take him out of class for a 1:1 and ask if there's anything he thinks the school could do to support him (such as a time- out pass) when he's feeling anxious (although I'm aware he may appear perfectly calm in classes).

Rockbottom I am not surprised you have reached breaking point, everyone has to at some point. Call S/S and request a visit, tell them you need help and you need it now, don't let them palm you off because they will try. Please don't be hard on yourself, you are only human. It must be so hard on your DP but try and pull together not apart, ask him to take your daughter out for a break as they both must need one ( as you do). Is there anyway you can send your Son to his father for a couple of nights ? I would even go as far as dropping him there then sending a text saying i am going off for the weekend and will see you Sunday teatime. Please do what is best for the majority x

@Emerald5hamrock

You done the right thing. He needs intense counselling and behavioural therapy which is very hard to get. I'd have an honest chat with him at a time when he is calm, no blaming, it's a fragile age and without help now it'll hurt him later. Love bomb him even when you want to lose it.

Thank you. I'm not even sure how would manage counselling? He was non verbal until 5. Although he talks non stop now he always struggles to tell us now he feels! His understanding of things isn't great. He can explain to a certain extreme but probably not to the same level as of other 10 year olds.

@LowlandLucky his dad is a difficult one. I don't think Ds would benefit from a stay there. He finds it hard to be away from us (despite that earlier he was screaming at us saying we need to be better parents to him!). I would love it if he could stay there more often it just doesn't happen unfortunately 😪

@br1anmay

Also, does your son have a pupil support teacher at school? Perhaps, you could inform the school when you have had a particularly challenging night with him. They could take him out of class for a 1:1 and ask if there's anything he thinks the school could do to support him (such as a time- out pass) when he's feeling anxious (although I'm aware he may appear perfectly calm in classes).

He has an EHCP and 1-2-1 support. He does have learning breaks at school. His ta had worked with him for a few years and she's great. The issues lie with the teacher. The school in general are great but I find his current Teacher doesn't seem interested in communicating with me at all 😪 I've spoken to her once since September. Ds walks into Playground and class on his own and exits via Dd's classroom! I don't like to bombard teachers but some communication would be nice!

Op I could have wrote this, I have a very similar 10 year old DS with ASD. I am currently lying next to him, seems like he is asleep which is actually very early for him these days! I have done all the courses too, am part of a few support groups, tried marbles etc..My DS constantly screams, it is so draining, it does tend to involve devices such as tablets, nintendo switch..if I take him out, as long as it is somewhere he enjoys he generally copes a lot better. I have a younger NT DS and I do really feel for him as he does miss out on things but we can only do what we can do..

One suggestion I could make is instead of telephoning, go in.
Go in to SS and have a very frank talk with someone about your situation.
When you can look someone in the eyes — when they can look into your eyes — it sometimes makes all the difference.
They have to look at you. They have to listen to you. They can see and hear your distress.
You can MAKE SURE they’re paying attention and not shuffling through paperwork or folders on their desk, or even reading a magazine.
I wish you luck - and love. ❤️

Random thought: could you hire a cleaner /housekeeper so that while he's at school you can relax?

I am so sorry that your ds' teacher is not great in communicating with you - that would be a great help for you!

Could you ask the school for regular meetings (including his class teacher) in order to try to start to increase the levels of communication?

Feedback from his class teacher could be really helpful in letting your ds know that everyone is working together to improve his life (and, hopefully you and the rest of your family!)

@danni0509 it's so hard isn't it. I started to get the ball rolling with an adhd assessment in 2020 before 1st lockdown. I had to do a parenting course to be accepted for an assessment. I had a bereavement but still went on the course but the funeral was on one of the course days then covid hit so it was never completed. I did half of it, I just didn't complete it which is gutting.

He's not on sleep medication. He isn't under the care of a paedtrician anymore as was signed off. He does take a long time to go sleep but once he's asleep he does stay asleep.

We've been totally left to our own devices.

I've tried everything I can think of.

@Goonergirl14

Op I could have wrote this, I have a very similar 10 year old DS with ASD. I am currently lying next to him, seems like he is asleep which is actually very early for him these days! I have done all the courses too, am part of a few support groups, tried marbles etc..My DS constantly screams, it is so draining, it does tend to involve devices such as tablets, nintendo switch..if I take him out, as long as it is somewhere he enjoys he generally copes a lot better. I have a younger NT DS and I do really feel for him as he does miss out on things but we can only do what we can do..

Could you eliminate all devices? So there is no tablet/nintendo to get upset about. Just a thought.

@Rockbottom2910 I read a book years ago in choice theory, both of my DC have ASD, the eldest DD is sweet, DS has very high needs he is I know I'll have to deal with a similar situation you're having in the future, he has an emotional regulation disorder too.
Anyway it helps me deal with him, by giving him choices and curtailing behaviours.
Ask your local camh's about a sensory course it gave me an understanding of why he goes crazy, ask your gp to refer you and send a personal letter to CAMH's outlining the impact he is having on the family when the referral goes through, he may need medication to regulates
I would send him to a family member for a break.
I sent CAMH's a family impact statement with the referral they were amazing helping DS.

My son was like this about 3 years ago, he was 8 and is non verbal and autistic, he didn’t sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and I was physically and mentally exhausted, I was/am a single parent so it all fell to me. 15 I phoned social services after I really lost my temper and screamed at my son, I realised I wasn’t coping and the fact I Magic Mikescared my son still makes me feel sick. I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t get a lot of support, a social worker came out and did a report, she went in to school and spoke to them but basically said I should ask my family for help, even though I’d said they didn’t want to due to sons behaviour. They sent me on a course 2 years after first asking for help, I didn’t find the course particularly useful but it did help talking to other parents who were going through similar issues. I’m getting a bit more help from my family and he’s seeing his dad once a week now.

I’m so sorry you’re going through it, its absolutely shit. I hope he has a decent paediatrician, maybe try and get an appointment and get some melatonin to help with the sleep. If you have any family members who can help and who you trust, then take all you can get. It won’t always be like this, that’s become my mantra! 😄

Op you have my sympathy, get in contact with children's services and see if you can get some support and some respite, it's not an easy life to live, I hope things pick up for you soon, see if you can find a carers centre that does a challenging behaviour course I found this one of the best courses that I had been on really helpful learning lots of de escalation techniques.

Where the hell did magic Mike come from!

Sending thoughts and prayers and hope you get the help you need and deserve.
. You are a good mum and non of this is your fault.

@WindInTheWillows7

Random thought: could you hire a cleaner /housekeeper so that while he's at school you can relax?

I wish I could afford 😅 in all honestly I don't need to clean all day but sometimes on the days I don't have so much to do sitting around means I get lost in my own thoughts (I have MH issues too!) and sometimes keeping busy is my go to. I don't have many friends nearby and my tiny legged dog gets sick of multiple walks 😅 I need a hobby but I just feel I don't have enough time, interest, motivation or money for anything!

I didn't believe this for one second but my mum used to be a deputy head of a junior school and told me what to do when I was at the very end of my tether. It worked

Do you have a child with significant SEN?

Quite. My daughter has sen and she simply wouldn't grasp the idea of the marbles. It would mean nothing.