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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am unreasonable

148 replies

Holly524 · 09/01/2022 18:14

Hello, really need some advice please... I am married with 2 children age 6 and 7.
My Mum has offered to pay for all the family to go to Spain this summer this will include us, grandparents, my brother his wife and their son. I really want to go but my husband is dead against it and has today said he won't go. He has said he hasn't got enough holiday days as he is prioritising football trips with his friends over a holiday with my family.
Am I wrong to go without him? I really would like to go and my children I know will love it. Please any advice as I am in 2 minds as to whether its unfair to leave him and go with the kids. Thanks

OP posts:
Huntswomanonthemove · 11/01/2022 17:45

Everytime its something to do with my family, whether its birthdays or days out he hates going and it isn't out the norm that he gives me the silent treatment.

This is dreadful @Holly524 and yes it's abusive and controlling. He's trying to stop you being close to your family, which is a classic sign of a controlling situation. The silent treatment is very abusive and awful to live with. Experts on abusive behaviour have argued that emotional abuse is as bad as physical and in some respects it can be worse.

I suggest you call Women's Aid for some advice.

FinallyHere · 11/01/2022 18:07

How can it be unfair to leave him behind, when he doesn't want to go?

Do you ever have holidays just the four of you or does he prioritise his lads trips over everything.

theremustonlybeone · 11/01/2022 19:09

So he can have his two family holidays and prioritise his football getaways with mates, but your expected to decline a free holiday as he doesnt like your mum...its more likely he doesnt like the fact you will all be abroad and thinks its outrageous you dare go away without him ( whilst he can do what he wants)

Take your DC on holiday and leave him to prioritise his football

2022success · 11/01/2022 19:25

Definitely go without him. He appears to have some kind of superiority complex. Good for him to see you are your own person and can make independent decisions, ,even if he doesn't like them.

What sort of dad would begrudge his DC a nice family holiday like that? He sounds very selfish, and giving you silent treatment is childish.

Almostlegible · 11/01/2022 19:55

Everyone who works or attends school has a limited number of free days they can use for holidays and other activities.
Your husband wants to spend some of his free days going on holiday with his wife and children, and the rest on football trips with his friends (minus his wife and children).
His children will be spending some of their free days going on holiday with their parents, and would like to spend the rest going on a free holiday with their maternal extended family, but their dad would prefer them to decline this opportunity and stay at home instead.
And he is giving their mother the silent treatment because she wants the children to have a nice holiday and he doesn’t.
I don’t like to use the c word so I’ll leave it unsaid . . .

Mrstamborineman · 11/01/2022 20:28

Go go go !

Mrstamborineman · 11/01/2022 20:30

He is a massively selfish arse who would prefer his dc to be at home instead of holidaying without him. Which is HIS choice! Wow.

TopCatsTopHat · 12/01/2022 07:05

He has an issue with your mum who has never been anything but nice to him!!!
😲😲😲
Jealous or not, that's just, just, wow.
Your mum is a warm, loving and significant person to his wife and children, the people he loves more than anything in the world apart from himself it seems and he can't find any like for her in that dark cupboard he calls a heart. She raised you and presumably did a good job, she loves you and his children... The least he can do is find some respect for her.

G5000 · 12/01/2022 08:04

So we have controlling; silent treatment if you don't comply, and isolating you from family. Those are not good signs. What else does he do? Am I right to guess that he has a temper and/or is very moody and sensitive, and you are always worried about what else you have done wrong to make him grumpy?

Original poster
Holly524 · 12/01/2022 08:57

@G5000

So we have controlling; silent treatment if you don't comply, and isolating you from family. Those are not good signs. What else does he do? Am I right to guess that he has a temper and/or is very moody and sensitive, and you are always worried about what else you have done wrong to make him grumpy?
Wow I have just read this and so much of it is true, never really saw the red flags until now, I know me being naive! My Mum has messaged this morning asking if I want her to cancel as its causing so many issues but I have told her no and that we want to come. He will have to get over it and maybe I need to think seriously about my relationship.
OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/01/2022 10:23

Wow I have just read this and so much of it is true, never really saw the red flags until now, I know me being naive!
My Mum has messaged this morning asking if I want her to cancel as its causing so many issues but I have told her no and that we want to come. He will have to get over it and maybe I need to think seriously about my relationship.

Good for you, OP, for sticking to your guns.

It's good that this has made you evaluate your relationship, but that moment when the scales fall from your eyes and you recognize emotionally abusive behaviour from what you deem to be 'normal' is a painful one. Glad you have a supportive family and I hope you, they, and the children thoroughly enjoy your time together. I have a hunch that the absence of the Sulking Husband will not detract in any way from the pleasure of this event.

Newmumatlast · 12/01/2022 10:30

Go. He is the one who has his priorities wrong not you.

KatharinaRosalie · 12/01/2022 10:42

OP, this article opened my eyes that my relationship was not healthy. There was never any physical violence, never any shouting. But it was still not good.
counsellingresource.com/therapy/self-help/loser/

AsYouWishButtercup · 12/01/2022 10:49

On the surface of it - He doesn’t wanna go. You do. Seems an easy answer here.

HOWEVER I’d remind him he’s being a shit. Holidays with kids alone are hard work and it’s all well and jolly for him to relax at ho e while you deal with the slog.

I’d say “OK don’t come, but you can take the kids in these football trips”

G5000 · 12/01/2022 12:34

Honestly I don't think he's shit because of that - 6 and 7 is an age where it's already fun and pleasant to travel with kids. And OP is travelling with her entire family, surely grandparents and aunts-uncles will give her an occasional break.

He is shit because he wants to isolate OP from her family and does not want her to go just because he himself doesn't want to go.

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 12/01/2022 12:42

Go, go, go...

Original poster
Holly524 · 12/01/2022 22:14

So tonight we have booked our holiday! 5 nights in August in Spain, I'm so excited as are my children. Husband will have to deal with it! Thanks all for all your comments its so appreciated. My view on how I deserve to be treated has seriously changed. Xx

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 12/01/2022 22:42

Is he talking to you yet?

Original poster
Holly524 · 12/01/2022 22:45

He has been talking to me tonight yes. I said to my Mum I am not giving in to him giving me the silent treatment. I'm really grateful to everyone that commented. Xx

OP posts:
bembridge11 · 13/01/2022 07:11

I suspect he doesnt want to go on a big family holiday with your family, and I can understand that. It isnt everyone's cup of tea. Communication is key, so you can understand his perspective and he can understand yours. Maybe it is also possible to have a small trip just the four of you so you can connect as a nuclear family too. Then he can go on his football trips and you can enjoy a joint family holiday guilt free.

Newestname002 · 13/01/2022 07:28

@Holly524

So tonight we have booked our holiday! 5 nights in August in Spain, I'm so excited as are my children. Husband will have to deal with it! Thanks all for all your comments its so appreciated. My view on how I deserve to be treated has seriously changed. Xx

What a very sensible person you are, @Holly524. And what a lovely mother you have treating you all to this holiday. She sounds very supportive to you in how your rather selfish-sounding husband is behaving.

I think you said you were taking a look at your relationship with him - I do hope that works out and he treats you, your children and wider family better.

However, it won't hurt for you to take a good look at your financial situation in case the worse happens and you decide there's not much future in your marriage. AKA get your ducks in a row!! You don't have to take action based on your findings but knowledge of what your situation would be could be quite liberating.

Hope you all have a fabulous time in Spain. 🌹

Bayleaf25 · 13/01/2022 07:28

Definitely go, the kids will have a great time.

maddening · 13/01/2022 07:50

Def go, he isn't fretting over buggering off on footy holidays without you and the kids.

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