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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum there's a random man at the door

251 replies

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 09/01/2022 15:07

Just chilling after Sunday lunch, door bell goes, eldest DD expecting her boyfriend goes to answer and shouts out the above in a loud voice. DH and myself go into the hall and standing there spluttering out " I am not some random bloke I am your dad" is my exh.

For context we split when I was pregnant with DD, he would disappear out of her life for years at a time, never paid anything in maintenance, he actually told his family she was not his, would turn up, demand to see her and then vanish again. She is 21 now and started calling her step dad, dad through her choice at about 8 years old (she has always known her and her 2 sisters have different dads) but loves him and her little sisters, when she was about 14 he reappeared again and she refused to see him, so off he went with a huff, he tried again a few years later and again she refused (he claimed I had turned her against him.)

Fast forward to today and my DD turned round and said to DH dad can you take the girls into the back room, whilst holding up her hand to silence her real dad, once they had gone turned back to him, and said

"When I said random I meant it, who the F are you to turn up here and claim to be my dad, you know F all about me, never gave a F about me so F off and leave us alone "

Slams door in his face and is visibly upset and tells me to get rid of him, I open the door and tell him she does not want to see him, again accused of turning her against him and he waves his 15 year old court contact order in my face, Good luck with that one she is an adult. DH comes out and suggests he leaves or we will be phoning the police to ask for advice.

AIBU that she hates her father or not, if I am being honest I just think of DH as her father and have done for years as he is the only constant she has ever known, but this just makes me feel bad, as people I know have split and co-parented fine just never happened with us.

OP posts:
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 11/01/2022 22:01

But, in your case, @Mufasa1118, your father let you down.

In this case, OP's daughter's father let her down.

I am very sad for girls who's father lets them down.

I'm sorry that your dad wasn't there for you, you didn't deserve that.

Littlepaws18 · 11/01/2022 22:02

@Mufasa1118

Yes I understand he was in and out of her life and didn't pay maintenence. I understand that he wasn't an ideal man.

I still feel compassion for a human being going to a house trying to see his child.

I have been in that position. Though I was the opposite way round.
I
turned up at my father's house trying to see him.

I know how scary it is to go to someone's house, to have the huge hope that you have that they will want to see you, then being rejected.

It is the worst thing that ever happened to me. It affected me so much.
To have a close family member reject you is hear tbreaking.

I also feel empathy for the daughter

You are missing a key point though. He's not walked down that path and knocked on the door to try to repair a bond he damaged, rather he's found himself in a bind- his new wife wants a daughter- he has one. His motivation is purely selfish, had his wife had not made this request he wouldn't have bothered with her again. In all his correspondence since his first attempt has all been aggressive, about punishment, demanding, outlining his wants- with absolutely no thought to his daughters welfare.

Your situation appears different- you wanted to heal the rift between yourself and your father and build a bond- he wanted rent a daughter.

DPotter · 11/01/2022 22:03

Your DD is an amazing wonderful young woman - both you and your DH should be proud of her.

ps - let her off the swearing - she has been provoked beyond all reason.

pps - could his family member get the fiancee's phone no for a heart to heart with DH

XelaM · 11/01/2022 22:14

I have no sympathy with a "father" like that whatsoever. As I said, my daughter has a very similar one.

I am not even talking about the fact that he has never paid a penny in maintenance. Nevertheless, for the sake of my daughter, I have been trying to encourage contact between them ever since she was a toddler and he has always(!) let her down. Either he didn't appear at all when he promised and she was waiting for him, or if he did come he would be 6-7 hours late, forgetting her birthday and Christmas, vanishing for months/years at a time and then suddenly reappearing only to vanish again. Like I said, she has not heard from him for over a year. No reason for it or warning that he would disappear - just stopped all contact from one day to the next. If we were starving or homeless he wouldn't even know. We never moved or changed phone numbers, so he could come and see his daughter literally any time, but chooses not to. His whole family have contact with me, so (at the very remote chance that he lost all our numbers) he could ask his parents or siblings.

So no, I would not feel sorry for him if he turned up at my door and my daughter rejected him.

tricksyt · 11/01/2022 22:17

@Mufasa1118

Yes I understand he was in and out of her life and didn't pay maintenence. I understand that he wasn't an ideal man.

I still feel compassion for a human being going to a house trying to see his child.

I have been in that position. Though I was the opposite way round.
I
turned up at my father's house trying to see him.

I know how scary it is to go to someone's house, to have the huge hope that you have that they will want to see you, then being rejected.

It is the worst thing that ever happened to me. It affected me so much.
To have a close family member reject you is hear tbreaking.

I also feel empathy for the daughter

Do you think after his incredibly poor behaviour towards a child for many years he deserves another chance?

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 22:24

Trickyst.

No I think that the daughter is entitled to do whatever she feels. If she doesn't want to see him, it's her choice.

I also still have sympathy for the man trying to see his daughter.

GoatInCaptivity · 11/01/2022 22:25

Personally I'd have responded to his email saying that if he doesn't back off and respect your DD's wishes, you'll contact his future bride to explain what a shitty, absent father he's been whose contributed nothing financially or emotionally to her upbringing.

Alternatively, your daughter will go to the wedding so she can relay that message to the bride in person and leave as soon as she has done so.

Essentially, it needs to be clear he can't win.

She's not going to go and play happy families for his benefit.

His best bet is to make up an excuse as to why she can't be there and you don't care what it is as long as he leaves DD alone.

Ginger1982 · 11/01/2022 22:27

@Mufasa1118

Trickyst.

No I think that the daughter is entitled to do whatever she feels. If she doesn't want to see him, it's her choice.

I also still have sympathy for the man trying to see his daughter.

He's brought it entirely on himself. He deserves no sympathy. He only wants her in his life to look good not because he actually wants her.
GoatInCaptivity · 11/01/2022 22:29

@Mufasa1118

Trickyst.

No I think that the daughter is entitled to do whatever she feels. If she doesn't want to see him, it's her choice.

I also still have sympathy for the man trying to see his daughter.

He's not trying to see his daughter though is he?

He's harassing his daughter to attend his wedding to make him look good to his future wife (to whom he's probably told a pack of lied about what a great father he is).

He's had 21 years to "see" her.

He simply wants to use her.

He deserves nothing less than utter contempt and not a shred of sympathy.

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 22:30

Ok! I respect your opinions.

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 22:32

Goatincaptivity

You said " he's not trying to see his daughter though is he?".

That is wrong though.

It says in the first post that he tried to see his daughter when she was 14, and the daughter said no

Littlepaws18 · 11/01/2022 22:34

@Mufasa1118

Trickyst.

No I think that the daughter is entitled to do whatever she feels. If she doesn't want to see him, it's her choice.

I also still have sympathy for the man trying to see his daughter.

I'm a great believer in virtue ethics- it's not what you do but you motivations and the actions afterwards, so let's break this down in those terms.
  1. What he did: He went to try to see his daughter.
  2. His motivation: to please his new wife.
  3. His actions afterwards: to demand his daughter is punished, to demand his daughter turns up at his wedding otherwise she would have no more chances, to turn up unannounced at their business, home on several occasions.

This man has zero interest in building a loving bond with his daughter. He deserves no sympathy.

His daughter:

  1. What she did: swear at her biological father and reject him.
  2. Motivation: she feels deep hurt and betrayal at his absence in her life, rejection again that he is not coming to see her and build a bond but to use her as a pawn at his wedding.
  3. Actions after: responds to a demanding cold email by her father by swearing and rejecting him.

My heart and sympathies goes out to the daughter x

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 22:37

It's a tough one. Because I always thought the biological bond between the parent and child is important, no matter what.

But maybe it's not. Maybe I had too much of an idealistic view.

I guess the parent/child bond is not important at all, if that parent is never there. Maybe the biological bond diminishes a lot

ifeelabitsad · 11/01/2022 22:43

I hope he disappears now. If not injunction next.

Littlepaws18 · 11/01/2022 22:44

@Mufasa1118

It's a tough one. Because I always thought the biological bond between the parent and child is important, no matter what.

But maybe it's not. Maybe I had too much of an idealistic view.

I guess the parent/child bond is not important at all, if that parent is never there. Maybe the biological bond diminishes a lot

A biological bond is only as important as the socialisation and nurturing of the bond. If that is absent then that biological bond does not take presidence. For example, my daughter has not seen her dad since she was 9 months old. He was a violent abuser who left her with severe trauma for years afterwards. That biological bond is now non existent. However, my husband has been in her life for over half of it. He has spent this time nurturing and building a loving bond that's a life long commitment to her- even if I die, he will bring her up and love her unconditionally. She loves him back in equal measure and that was something she controlled not us. Biology 🧬 is only significant if that primary nurturing and socialisation is present also.
Esspee · 11/01/2022 22:45

Your daughter is terrific.

WakingFromDreams · 11/01/2022 22:49

My god, he sounds utterly bonkers. How awful for him to show up like that after all these years demanding respect, and a relationship with a daughter he's barely seen, and that she goes to his wedding just so he can play 'dad' for the day!

Block him from everything. If he carries on, contact the police again as it's harassment. Showing up at your home, business and then emailing. Arsehole.

iklboo · 11/01/2022 22:58

I also still have sympathy for the man trying to see his daughter.

He's not tried to see his daughter for years despite knowing exactly where she is.

He hasn't paid maintenance in years

He turned up once when she was 14 then never bothered again until she is 21 and he's getting married. He doesn't care about his daughter. He cares about looking good at his wedding, the caring dad with the 'crazy ex wife who wouldn't let him see his darling daughter'.

He's not taking no for an answer from his ADULT daughter. He's harassing her and her family to try to force her into a relationship he's invested no time in.

No. He's owed zero sympathy.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 11/01/2022 22:59

Ha, biological bond.

If it ever existed between my mother and I, it certainly doesn’t exist now and I’m much better off for having cut her off 20 years ago.

Your DD will be grand. She has great boundaries. But it is devastating to realise you are fuck all to them other than a prop for them to parade around - my mother spent most of 2019 telling people she has a daughter at - it made me rage, she has nothing to do with me getting into Uni at the grand age of 35, and most of her friends didn’t even know I fucking existed until then!

FortniteBoysMum · 11/01/2022 23:04

I was the child in this as my biological was never around, I am also the parent as eldest father has been absent most his life in and out. His father now wants to know which we suspect is due to new wife possibly cannot have kids. They were trying last time he made contact 5 years ago asking to reduce maintenance. Still no child and now he wants to know my son who calls dp dad. Dp has been about since he was 2 and is now 15. Your daughter has made her mind up and she is totally correct her dad raised her, her father walked out on her time and again. Due has her family leave her be. Just let her know what ever she decides now or in years to come you will support her even if she chooses to see the waste of space.

FortniteBoysMum · 11/01/2022 23:05

*she has her

CrotchetyQuaver · 11/01/2022 23:07

Your daughter is awesome, I'd be very proud of her.

Perhaps she should consider taking legal advice to bar her genetic father from contacting her ever again...

Snoozer11 · 11/01/2022 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

iklboo · 11/01/2022 23:28

@Snoozer11 - are you the dad or his wife to be? If you think OP is a troll, report.

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 12/01/2022 00:16

Can you speak to the ex family member you still talk to, explain what's happened and that he needs to respect his 'daughters' wishes or you will take further action?

Also if they know the truth that he's not been around etc then why aren't they speaking up to him, other members of the family or even the fiance and putting them right?!

Exh seems very deluded in thinking his demands trump that of a grown adult, someone needs to explain to him just because he last saw her at 14yrs old doesn't mean she stopped growing up and is still that age!

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