Mum there's a random man at the door

[quicklybeingdrivenmad]

Just chilling after Sunday lunch, door bell goes, eldest DD expecting her boyfriend goes to answer and shouts out the above in a loud voice. DH and myself go into the hall and standing there spluttering out " I am not some random bloke I am your dad" is my exh.

For context we split when I was pregnant with DD, he would disappear out of her life for years at a time, never paid anything in maintenance, he actually told his family she was not his, would turn up, demand to see her and then vanish again. She is 21 now and started calling her step dad, dad through her choice at about 8 years old (she has always known her and her 2 sisters have different dads) but loves him and her little sisters, when she was about 14 he reappeared again and she refused to see him, so off he went with a huff, he tried again a few years later and again she refused (he claimed I had turned her against him.)

Fast forward to today and my DD turned round and said to DH dad can you take the girls into the back room, whilst holding up her hand to silence her real dad, once they had gone turned back to him, and said

"When I said random I meant it, who the F are you to turn up here and claim to be my dad, you know F all about me, never gave a F about me so F off and leave us alone "

Slams door in his face and is visibly upset and tells me to get rid of him, I open the door and tell him she does not want to see him, again accused of turning her against him and he waves his 15 year old court contact order in my face, Good luck with that one she is an adult. DH comes out and suggests he leaves or we will be phoning the police to ask for advice.

AIBU that she hates her father or not, if I am being honest I just think of DH as her father and have done for years as he is the only constant she has ever known, but this just makes me feel bad, as people I know have split and co-parented fine just never happened with us.

Well, that told him! I'm very impressed with how level headed your DD is at 21 but it must be hurtful for her, he ignores her all these years then has no scruples about trying to use her for his own ends. It's a good thing your DH sounds like a decent man who's been a really good Father to her.

I wonder what massive lie your Ex will come up with to explain her not turning up for the wedding?

Unbelievable!

Does your DD have any method of communicating with him - a phone number she could text or an address she can write to via recorded mail? If so, she could send him a communication saying that she will not be attending the wedding, she wants nothing to do with him and does not wish to hear from him further. Should he continue to contact her or her family, the matter will be pursued with the police.

If she doesn’t have an address to write to etc then she could just write the letter (keep a copy) and hand it to him next time he arrives on your doorstep.

What a horrible way for him to step back in her life, he should of done a letter to yourself and asked you to read it to her. Given her time to get here head around it. I know others like your family set up that also call their step dad dad and want nothing to do with their real dad. They get their step dad cares more. Just very selfish on the reals dad's part thinking she had been longing to meet him or something.

@quicklybeingdrivenmad

I think you,your DH and your DD need to reach out to the police and ask them to have a word with him about harassment.

I visit from the police should nip this behaviour in the bud.

I think your DD has been sorely provoked when it comes to swearing - and as you point out, she is 21! But perhaps she might want to go a bit easier around you guys. . .

I'd be thinking about talking to the police also, this is harassment. She doesn't owe him anything. He's actually owed less than a random bloke on the street, given he had obligations to his daughter that he completely reneged upon.

(If only you could find out who the rich widow is, and she could tell her the whole unvarnished truth about the sperm donor and the amazing daughter his ex-wife has brought up, along with her current husband. . .)

@ChiefStockingStuffer

Tell DD if she really wants him to stop, to smile, ask for his fiancees phone number so she can get to know her, then let her know what he was REALLY like as a father.

This!!

Tbh it’s out of your control she’s 21 that altercation was her way of putting her choices into action. If I were u I’d say fair enough. Don’t feel too bad it’s just one of those things x

Wow. The random bloke really lives in bizarro land. It's sort of good that he's turned up and been a twit from the get go because he can't let her down if she's already got a justifiably low opinion of him. It's clearly been his loss all these years.

We have rung police cos yet again he has been back nothing they can do DH is in back room with little ones DD has told him where to go, If I am being honest said same and this time will make sure police get involved because you have no right to do this to my family, mama bear instinct starting xx

God, again? Why on earth does he think will make DD want to see him?

Cos he wants here at his wedding so he will look good

She has made her views perfectly clear and he is now harassing her and your family. Every single time he makes contact, contact the police. Harassment is defined as three unwanted contacts in a six month period. Even if the police do nothing (though insist at the very least someone goes over and speaks to him about his behaviour) it's a record of events.

He has come not because he realises the huge mistake he has made, he is back because he wants to play happy families for his own selfish reasons. He has missed out and judging by past actions he will eventually get the message and disappear again.

And if I was his bride and he's telling me about his wonderful family life with his daughter, yet the first meeting would be at the wedding- how dodgy is that!!!

God if I was her I'd be so tempted to play nice and ask to meet the fiancé, then tell
Her exactly what's going on.

He is reaping what he sowed. Expecting his daughter to make him look good for his new feed. Hopefully the NW will find out what he's like before the wedding. Wouldn't wish this one on anyone. What a catch.

DD can solve this by just telling his fiancee what a shit deadbeat he actually was through her entire life and that he owes £70k in child support. Perhaps she'd like to pay it for him?

Massive narcissist alert 🤦🏻‍♀️ I cut my own ‘dad’ out of my life 18 years ago. He’s tried to make contact a few times but nothing as persistent as this. I would definitely look in to a restraining order if he persists. It’ll be the only way as he clearly thinks he can do and say as he wishes. As for the swearing, she’s an adult, as long as the younger kids aren’t exposed to it, I understand it. Sometimes only a swear word or two will do 😬 I hope he gets the message soon.

What a flipping cheek the man has. Stop letting him in the house.

Yup, my DH’s dad did exactly this when he was just a couple years younger than your DD. Showed up, not having paid a dime all those long years, never having bothered much with my DH and having left him in horrible circumstances. Accusing his ex wife of being at fault for it all. There he was, crying and all sorts on DH’s step, then bam. Gave DH an invite to his wedding, and actually mailed one to the other child he had literally never seen. Fourth, or fifth wife, I believe, although I can’t remember now. Went straight in the bin, according to DH.

I vote you go for police, a video doorbell, or both. I certainly wouldn’t be opening the door to him, and if he keeps banging on it for any amount of time I would call the cops. Best wishes to your DD. My DH’s dad isn’t in his life at all, and my DH used very similar language to your DD in his, ahem, conversation with his dad.

I wouldn’t personally tell off an adult child for using swear words in that particular situation, and I literally had never uttered a swear word until I was nearly thirty. She was cornered, severely provoked and blindsided and said what she had to say. Just me though.

I swear I guessed this was going to be the situation because I am actually going through similar right now.
Ex and his partner have never really had much of an interest in dc. Court order is weekly and they see her monthly if that.
Now the wedding is coming up there is dress shopping, photo shoot planning and asking for extra days.
Anything to save face and play happy families.
But you are right, he can't keep causing this disruption to your child's lives.

@quicklybeingdrivenmad

Cos he wants here at his wedding so he will look good

He must be incredibly stupid. A man with any sense would do his best to keep his daughter from the wedding, because she will spill the beans to his merry widow and he will look anything but good in said widow's eyes.

I rather love your DD.
She has her head screwed on properly, unlike her sperm donor, who is a self-serving ratweasel.

I do like the idea of getting the fiancée's number though, and letting her know exactly how "caring" said sperm donor has been.

But that would be dressed up by him as you lying to your DD, twisting her mind, turning her against him and look what he's had to put up with all these years, so it could backfire somewhat.

Best to just tell him to do one or you'll have him for harassment.

Oh would love to know what he has told the new woman about the relationship. He can't of been very honest if he is being so persistent

Been awake since early hours this morning, DD up and awake, went downstairs to her, totally upset, that he feels so little towards her, cried then got even madder that he wants to parade her in front of people (her words not mine) like some F doll he can pick up and then put back in a box when not needed, DH woke up brought us hot chocolate then left us alone.
Its a shit storm why would anyone do this to their child, well actually he would, she ended up phoning in sick, and I took the day off just me and her, in the meantime he has emailed via our business website exact message

I cannot believe how I was treated at your home, a stray dog would have been treated better and even cared for. I am giving you all one last chance to sort this out as I am her father and deserve a relationship with her, the wedding is on xx/04/22 I expect her to attend out of respect for me.

Daughters reply

Dear Random Bloke
You cannot tell me what to do, I do not give a shit about your wedding (your future wife sounds OK, but would run a mile if you had told her the truth which I think not) I will not be at your wedding or anywhere near you, you have upset my mum dad and little ones why do think you have the right to do this, you are not or never have been interested in my life I am not interested in your demands I should be cos you are my dad you are a joke my real dad had spoken to a solicitor today about this and if you come hear again I will be phoning the police please just F of and leave us alone
The daughter you never gave a shit about

I love how he is up in arms about how he has been treated, and how he mentions that a stray dog would be cared for. After his own poor treatment of his own daughter.

It would be laughable if he wasn't causing so much upset.