Mum there's a random man at the door

[quicklybeingdrivenmad]

Just chilling after Sunday lunch, door bell goes, eldest DD expecting her boyfriend goes to answer and shouts out the above in a loud voice. DH and myself go into the hall and standing there spluttering out " I am not some random bloke I am your dad" is my exh.

For context we split when I was pregnant with DD, he would disappear out of her life for years at a time, never paid anything in maintenance, he actually told his family she was not his, would turn up, demand to see her and then vanish again. She is 21 now and started calling her step dad, dad through her choice at about 8 years old (she has always known her and her 2 sisters have different dads) but loves him and her little sisters, when she was about 14 he reappeared again and she refused to see him, so off he went with a huff, he tried again a few years later and again she refused (he claimed I had turned her against him.)

Fast forward to today and my DD turned round and said to DH dad can you take the girls into the back room, whilst holding up her hand to silence her real dad, once they had gone turned back to him, and said

"When I said random I meant it, who the F are you to turn up here and claim to be my dad, you know F all about me, never gave a F about me so F off and leave us alone "

Slams door in his face and is visibly upset and tells me to get rid of him, I open the door and tell him she does not want to see him, again accused of turning her against him and he waves his 15 year old court contact order in my face, Good luck with that one she is an adult. DH comes out and suggests he leaves or we will be phoning the police to ask for advice.

AIBU that she hates her father or not, if I am being honest I just think of DH as her father and have done for years as he is the only constant she has ever known, but this just makes me feel bad, as people I know have split and co-parented fine just never happened with us.

@Mufasa1118

Trickyst.

No I think that the daughter is entitled to do whatever she feels. If she doesn't want to see him, it's her choice.

I also still have sympathy for the man trying to see his daughter.

Even a man who denies he's the father of his child?

he actually told his family she was not his

The police call taker you spoke to is wrong, there is something you and police can do

ExH is turning up unwanted and uninvited , at your work at your home and has been asked to leave. DD who is an adult has made it clear she wants him to stop contacting her

If he continues it's criminal offence of harassment.

So if he turns up again don't answer door and report him to police for harassment . DD you and DH can all tell police you have asked him to stop contacting you . They can speak to him and draw a line that if he contacts DD or you or DH again, it will be considered harassment (phone call visits emails letters..,)

To get clear I'd send a letter/ email from all of you stating cease contacting us.

If he continues - just two more incidences after warning / being told to cease contacting all of you, it's an easy offence to evidence and prosecute

You don't need to speak to DD about swearing. Telling him to F off is her right as an adult . He doesn't get to control what she -as an adult - says nor how she decides to act. She swore to make her views clear because he wasn't listening.

Lol at the 'mum there's a random man at the door!'

Don't be disappointed in her be proud of her.

I think she was spectacular, and your have ovoid done a Sterling job raising a woman who can handle a situation like that. Meanwhile, I think there's probably a lot of pain behind the bravado, and you need to give her a big hug if she will accept one.

I would say she's been thinking about it, and working on her script for quite a while

@Snoozer11

Honestly this sounds like you're trying to write an EastEnders storyline.

What's your AIBU?
Why did you post this?

@Snoozer11 This is not the first thread I've read these kind of posts from you. OP explained what her AIBU is and situation.

DD OP and DH are stilts and have a right to decid who they want contact from. His wishes do not trump those of other adults about their own lives.

If he was genuinely seeking reconciliation he oykdng behave the way he has, demanding ' punishment of his adult DD' for having and expressing her own views and wishes.

He's gone about this badly. An apology letter from him and that he wants to reconcile should and could have been his first step

Your ex reminds me a bit of my own Dad. Very disengaged but thinks he still has some kind of right as a parent to demand obedience and respect despite showing none.
My advice at this point is grey rock. Stop (if you can) reacting. It feeds the narcissist. He'll always turn it around to be simultaneously not his fault and all about him. Don't explain just give very short answers. Or none at all.
When my Dad goes off on one about how everything is my fault, I'll usually just reply 'ok' and leave it at that.
The rage towards a useless parent is fierce and I really feel for your DD. But she obviously has the support of her family which is great..

Your dd sounds like a strong and capable woman despite being ignored and denied as his child, including zero maintenance. You also have a great family dynamic and dp by the sound of it. The fact that she doesn’t want anything to do with her biological father is testament to how well balanced she is and how hard you and your dp have worked to create a family.

@Mufasa1118
I am so sorry you were so cruelly treated. Unfortunately op’s dd was rejected as a child by an adult, just like you. She has a choice whether or not to let the person, who rejected her back into her life. Perhaps had he persisted at 14 and perhaps even now with a different attitude, he may have been given some kind of recognition. However, every single contact has been about him and how it affects him. This is actually the same motivation as your parent, even though their behaviour is different.

I am really sorry that you were not afforded the same choice. I can hear how hurt you are. However, comparing the rejection you suffered to that of the father are like chalk and cheese. Both your fathers made choices as adults, whereas you were both powerless. Please don’t waste time thinking about people like him.

@Mufasa1118

Yes I understand he was in and out of her life and didn't pay maintenence. I understand that he wasn't an ideal man.

I still feel compassion for a human being going to a house trying to see his child.

I have been in that position. Though I was the opposite way round.
I
turned up at my father's house trying to see him.

I know how scary it is to go to someone's house, to have the huge hope that you have that they will want to see you, then being rejected.

It is the worst thing that ever happened to me. It affected me so much.
To have a close family member reject you is hear tbreaking.

I also feel empathy for the daughter

I feel very sad for you that your own loser father rejected you like this.

Let me ask you - how would you feel if he turned up on your doorstep now, wanting you to show to a future bride how good a father he was? (Hypothetical of course)
How do you think you would react to him now, him having rejected you as he did?

You are more in the position of the OP's daughter here, than her father. She has spent a lifetime of being rejected by him, passively rather than actively (as in your case). You both have awful male progenitors and for that I am sad for you both.

As an added point - it breaks a LOT of people;s hearts to realise that blood is not the tie that they have been brought up to believe, that family is not the people you are blood related to, but the people who love and care for you as you should be valued. But this is the truth - some people have blood relatives who love and value them, and others... just don't.

Blood is nothing more than red stuff that goes through our veins, keeping us alive - but it should not dictate who we allow into our lives if they do not care for or about us.

My DCs saw their dad growing up bit often it was twice a year as he'd constantly cancel the alternate weekends to the point they gave up on him. He's borrowed money from my teenage son. He earns 7 x what I do

Each of them jn their own way have told him to bog off as they are older teens now, two are adult/ nearly adult. They see him when he is free and they feel like it.

He expects them to travel by train and fund it! (He won't tell me where he lives so I can't drive them and he defaulted on maintenance years ago Jen e refusing his address and he often books hotels anyway to see them )
They go only as they have two young half siblings they want to see and they ask will they be there first before agreeing to go.

It really is you reap what you sow

Let alone a dad that rejected DD all her life and is now an adult when he first turns up demanding she comes to his wedding to a new woman in a life they have been excluded from and rejected by him for years

"F off strange random man" is a very understandable reaction by the adult DD

@MrsMoastyToasty

Tell her to go to the wedding and when the registrar asks if there's any lawful impediment to the wedding she should shout out "he's an aresehole".

I'm catching up on the thread and got as far as this bit and thought - Genius!!! That's what I'd do. I'd actually go a step further - tell him your DD is not going and then get to the venue just in time for this bit and say "Well, where do I start? How long have you got?...." and then reel off all of his failings.

@LookItsMeAgain

That's funny! ... But no one sane would do that ..

Dd isn't bothered about him or his wedding bc he isn't worth bothering about

She's not trying to hurt her absent bio Dad, she just doesn't know him nor want a relationship with him
And she doesn't want him turning up at her house demanding she do or react how he says nor hassling her mum and stepdad who is an actual dad to her

But that made me laugh and hopefully made OPs DD laugh!!!

Urgh what a ridiculous knob he is.

If he persists, it might be time to go nuclear and contact his fiancee.

Your daughter is amazing. What a cf.

Well said thumb witches abroad

Spent most of last night awake yet again DD1 seems a bit better today but still upset, little ones know something is weird and DH is obviously concerned,.

So decided today enough was enough, you are not causing this grief to my family, checked DD1 was adamant in her decision she was, I married the twat you cheated and lied to me then left me high and dry, so was up to me to sort it.

Replied to his email asking to talk, and arranged to meet, ( I think he was expecting me to sort it all out) advised him
1)DD1 has made up her mind
2)You F up my life once you do not get to do it again and have instructed a solicitor today and contacted the police again for you to stay away from us
3) You stupidly told us the date of the wedding (and that you do not know I still speak to a family member) that I could just have rung round venues round here asking to book in so I may turn up at your wedding ( I would not cos he is not worth the head space, but his face was a picture)
4) I want my family's life back and you out of it or I will to all I can to F up yours (not nice I know)

We have had hell for the last few days and I would not wish this on my worst enemy, his reply you cannot do that!!

Told him I would cos when we married I thought we had a life YOU SCREWED IT UP and tbf did me a favour cos I love my life and want it back the way it was.

Thinks he finally understands DD1 will not be at the wedding but if he continues I will and actually walked away with slumped shoulders, so here is hoping it is really the end of it and to those who said they feel sorry for him WTF and me a TROLL or Eastenders script wish it was cos then my life would not have been blown out the water still dealing with loads of issues in my life Mums death POA for my Uncle, best friend issues today was the final nail in the coffin and yes I was rude and swore but I do not feel bad

Well done OP I know you wouldn't rise to his awful behaviour but I bet it felt good to be giving rather than receiving for once. He's probably ruined any chance he had with DD1 but it is all in him. Hopefully that's the last time you have to deal with him

You are my hero. I know this situation will one day happen to me and I hope me and my daughter match up to you two.

@trevthecat hope you do x

Well done for sticking up for yourself and your daughter, OP - you rock!

What a wanker;I'd hire a stripper for his wedding reception;let's see how he copes with a sudden uninvited visit from someone he wasn't expecting nor wants there that will cause upset and distress to those he cares about.

Your daughter sounds amazing, and so do you and your husband. I'd be wondering, if a waster from my past turned up at my door, what the heck they suddenly wanted...

Like others, I hope your daughter (and the rest of you) are doing okay, this is a nasty unsettling shock even if you handle it well at the time.

Ah, just seen it's all to do with his forthcoming nuptials. What an eejit. You're handling this amazingly. (I'd also be sorely tempted to send a special delivery along to the wedding if he didn't cease and desist...quite a few farms near where we live and awful muddy this time of year...)

@thenewduchessoflapland

What a wanker;I'd hire a stripper for his wedding reception;let's see how he copes with a sudden uninvited visit from someone he wasn't expecting nor wants there that will cause upset and distress to those he cares about.

🥳🥳😂

Ha, well done @quicklybeingdrivenmad! Hopefully that's the end of it, although someone like him may still think he's got a chance, especially if the fiancée really wants to meet his DD!

But fingers crossed it's done now.