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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum there's a random man at the door

251 replies

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 09/01/2022 15:07

Just chilling after Sunday lunch, door bell goes, eldest DD expecting her boyfriend goes to answer and shouts out the above in a loud voice. DH and myself go into the hall and standing there spluttering out " I am not some random bloke I am your dad" is my exh.

For context we split when I was pregnant with DD, he would disappear out of her life for years at a time, never paid anything in maintenance, he actually told his family she was not his, would turn up, demand to see her and then vanish again. She is 21 now and started calling her step dad, dad through her choice at about 8 years old (she has always known her and her 2 sisters have different dads) but loves him and her little sisters, when she was about 14 he reappeared again and she refused to see him, so off he went with a huff, he tried again a few years later and again she refused (he claimed I had turned her against him.)

Fast forward to today and my DD turned round and said to DH dad can you take the girls into the back room, whilst holding up her hand to silence her real dad, once they had gone turned back to him, and said

"When I said random I meant it, who the F are you to turn up here and claim to be my dad, you know F all about me, never gave a F about me so F off and leave us alone "

Slams door in his face and is visibly upset and tells me to get rid of him, I open the door and tell him she does not want to see him, again accused of turning her against him and he waves his 15 year old court contact order in my face, Good luck with that one she is an adult. DH comes out and suggests he leaves or we will be phoning the police to ask for advice.

AIBU that she hates her father or not, if I am being honest I just think of DH as her father and have done for years as he is the only constant she has ever known, but this just makes me feel bad, as people I know have split and co-parented fine just never happened with us.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 09/01/2022 15:22

@BarkminsterBlue

PS stop referring to her biological father as her 'real dad'. He isn't, is he?
Absolutely not. Her real Dad is the man who brought her up.
BurningTheClocks · 09/01/2022 15:23

I’ve been a teacher for years, and I’ve known a lot of families who split and the co-parenting has been a hideous nightmare, mostly for the children. One memorable occasion, at 23 I put myself between a bloke and a girl screaming ‘You’re not my dad, you’re just some random who fucked my mum and fucked off’ whilst trying to scratch his face off.
She was 10. He’d gatecrashed a parents’ evening.
Support your daughter’s decision, and how she wants to deal with him, she sounds certain. He sounds like a waste of space.

LuaDipa · 09/01/2022 15:23

He is deluded to expect your dd to see him as anything other than a random man after his treatment of her over the years. He was being very unreasonable to turn up out of the blue like that and I hope your dd is ok but she did brilliantly and should be very proud of herself.

BarkminsterBlue · 09/01/2022 15:23

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

I think the DD has made her feelings on the matter absolutely clear and it's time for the OP to respect them.

Joined4this · 09/01/2022 15:24

Awww poor man is hurt that the consequences of his actions came back to bite him. Where is the world’s smallest violin? Grin

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 09/01/2022 15:24

quicklybeingdrivenmad Your daughter is amazing and if she's ever near Aberystwyth I will buy her a huge drink. She is a credit to you, you have brought up a strong woman who knows her worth and own mind. Well done 👍

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 09/01/2022 15:26

[quote BarkminsterBlue]@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

I think the DD has made her feelings on the matter absolutely clear and it's time for the OP to respect them.[/quote]
Confused eh?

MumW · 09/01/2022 15:27

The answer to Mum having turned DD against him is "I didn't, I didn't need to, you did that all by yourself"

MumW · 09/01/2022 15:29

By the way, I love your DD handled her bio random man!
Wish I could've seen his face when she slammed the door in it.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 09/01/2022 15:30

I wouldn’t even have opened the door again to speak to him after DD closed it in his face.

I would however have a private chat with DD making sure she knows that if she ever does want to explore a relationship with him that you and her dad support her.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2022 15:30

[quote BarkminsterBlue]@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

I think the DD has made her feelings on the matter absolutely clear and it's time for the OP to respect them.[/quote]
I don't think Op is talking to her daughter using real and step dad, just for the purposes of clarity on here.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 09/01/2022 15:31

Also add I was thinking DD was pretty rude shouting “there’s a random man at the door” until you clarified that she knew it was her dad and was calling you guys for back up. Then I was like “Go Girl!”

Terminallysleepdeprived · 09/01/2022 15:32

Your dd is awesome. Good on her for telling the sperm donor straight. Hope she is OK when the dust settles.

Restart10 · 09/01/2022 15:34

Power to your dd! She handled it very well. The cheek of him turning up like that.

WetLookKnitwear · 09/01/2022 15:37

Accept her wishes if she doesn’t want to see him. He sounds like he’s really mucked things up with her.

Youngstreet · 09/01/2022 15:43

Your dd is amazing.
You’ve obviously done a good job of raising her without the random man.

QueenofLouisiana · 09/01/2022 15:45

Go her! Sounds like you and her actual dad have an amazing daughter.

I have an excellent actual dad too, men who do this well are brilliant (see also, women who take on the role of actual mum).

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/01/2022 15:45

@LadyMonicaBaddingham

quicklybeingdrivenmad Your daughter is amazing and if she's ever near Aberystwyth I will buy her a huge drink. She is a credit to you, you have brought up a strong woman who knows her worth and own mind. Well done 👍
I agree completely - there’s a big drink waiting for her near Paisley too.

And I think you should take a good look at what you have done, @quicklybeingdrivenmad - you have raised a strong, confident woman, who values the people who have been there for her, her whole life and who isn’t afraid to stand up for herself, and, by extension, stand up for you and all you’ve done for her.

Her biological father could have done her real damage, by the way he has ducked out on his responsibilities, and the reason she has turned out this well is down to you and your dh.

Scrabblecrabapple · 09/01/2022 15:46

Your daughter is my hero.

Boredof2020 · 09/01/2022 15:46

Your daughter is awesome

SantaHat · 09/01/2022 15:48

Your daughter is amazing and I hope you are telling her so.

HollowTalk · 09/01/2022 15:49

She sounds amazing. What a great way to handle that loser.

thinkfast · 09/01/2022 15:50

I don't understand what your aibu is, but your daughter sounds very hurt and probably needs a hug and some emotional support.

RB68 · 09/01/2022 15:50

well she has his number alright. Good on her I say - what a waste of space he is

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/01/2022 15:51

So, to be clear, she's seen him only a handful of times in her life, and only maybe twice in the last 7 years? What the everloving fuck did he expect, that she'd fall on his neck like some prodigal father?!

Good for your DD. She knows what's what and she is an adult and can make her own choices. The fact that he's still trying to treat her as a child (court orders indeed!) shows how little he knows about her as a person.

Hope he leaves her alone now.