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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum there's a random man at the door

251 replies

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 09/01/2022 15:07

Just chilling after Sunday lunch, door bell goes, eldest DD expecting her boyfriend goes to answer and shouts out the above in a loud voice. DH and myself go into the hall and standing there spluttering out " I am not some random bloke I am your dad" is my exh.

For context we split when I was pregnant with DD, he would disappear out of her life for years at a time, never paid anything in maintenance, he actually told his family she was not his, would turn up, demand to see her and then vanish again. She is 21 now and started calling her step dad, dad through her choice at about 8 years old (she has always known her and her 2 sisters have different dads) but loves him and her little sisters, when she was about 14 he reappeared again and she refused to see him, so off he went with a huff, he tried again a few years later and again she refused (he claimed I had turned her against him.)

Fast forward to today and my DD turned round and said to DH dad can you take the girls into the back room, whilst holding up her hand to silence her real dad, once they had gone turned back to him, and said

"When I said random I meant it, who the F are you to turn up here and claim to be my dad, you know F all about me, never gave a F about me so F off and leave us alone "

Slams door in his face and is visibly upset and tells me to get rid of him, I open the door and tell him she does not want to see him, again accused of turning her against him and he waves his 15 year old court contact order in my face, Good luck with that one she is an adult. DH comes out and suggests he leaves or we will be phoning the police to ask for advice.

AIBU that she hates her father or not, if I am being honest I just think of DH as her father and have done for years as he is the only constant she has ever known, but this just makes me feel bad, as people I know have split and co-parented fine just never happened with us.

OP posts:
Knackeredmommy · 11/01/2022 17:31

Im so sorry your DD has to deal with this! What an arse, really hopes he gets the message and backs off now

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 11/01/2022 17:35

Your daughter is awesome! Good on her, and good on you for leaving that pointless excuse for a father and partner in the dust. I just wish every useless, chid support evading, waste of space 'father' reads this.

If he continues to harass you and your daughter make sure you respond with something along the lines of 'You are causing me distress, please do not contact me any more'. Then if he continues the police can deal with it under harassment.

Boofay · 11/01/2022 18:08

The utter AUDACITY of him!!!!

Raging! 🤬🤬🤬

Ginjanotaninja · 11/01/2022 18:14

I'd be so tempted to go to the wedding and ask in a loud voice aka shouting at a very quiet point ' so when is my sperm donor going to pay the missing £70k in child maintenance?' Other key questions, such as ' why is he such a twat? ' could be asked in a similar manner.

mbosnz · 11/01/2022 18:25

Or to go to the wedding, and say in a loud voice, 'are you the strange man that says he's my Daddy? Cos I wouldn't know, you absent little bastard. . .'

Daleksatemyshed · 11/01/2022 18:29

Obviously we don't know why your first marriage broke up but I suspect it was because he's an arrogant, self entitled, lying, irresponsible little shit of a man. Your poor DD is upset but what a lucky escape she had when he walked out of her life, he'd have been the worse sort of Father if he'd stayed.

A legal letter warning him off would certainly be worth the money and would be helpful with the Police if your EXH doesn't go away and leave you in peace.

I just feel sorry for the woman he's marrying, the lies he must have told her! I wish there was a way you could warn the poor woman

MrsMoastyToasty · 11/01/2022 18:30

Tell her to go to the wedding and when the registrar asks if there's any lawful impediment to the wedding she should shout out "he's an aresehole".

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 11/01/2022 18:38

Bloody good for her.

That's a strong young woman you have raised.

Bloody good for you.

iklboo · 11/01/2022 20:21

I wonder what colour the sky is in his planet? Because he's definitely not from Earth!

Littlepaws18 · 11/01/2022 20:32

I would have thrown his argument back in his face-

'I don't know you so I don't know how you handle pets and wildlife but if you were like any normal human being a stray dog would have been treated better in life than you treated me- you were never there to support my achievements, to comfort me when I was ill, you never supported me financially, you never found the time in your busy schedule to even give me a hug. We don't have a bond, because you never cared enough to make one. So don't think you can waltz into my life demand my attention (for you own selfish gain). You robbed me of a father I should of had and I can never forgive or forget. Luckily for me I do have a loving a caring father who came into my life when you couldn't be bothered. So the position of dad is filled, it's a life long commitment. You missed out. Now go back to your new life and try to make it work, a top tip for you- treat people with love and kindness- you reap what you sow.'

Although I said never to forgive- it would be better to forgive but never forget for your daughters sake. Carrying around that bitterness inside can do real damage to a person- damage your daughter doesn't deserve. X

MissMogwai · 11/01/2022 20:44

What an entitled, arrogant and deluded prick. It's astounding that he expects her to fit in to the bullshit narrative he's told his fiancée when he's obviously been a terrible 'father' for 22 years!!

Good for her, and you and your husband! Your daughter sounds like a very strong young woman.

IncompleteSenten · 11/01/2022 20:56

She could always tell him she'll go if he wants but she'll be telling absolutely everybody extremely loudly how he's barely been in her life and never paid child support.

I predict he'd disappear again pdq

whatfreshheck · 11/01/2022 21:03

@Littlepaws18

I would have thrown his argument back in his face-

'I don't know you so I don't know how you handle pets and wildlife but if you were like any normal human being a stray dog would have been treated better in life than you treated me- you were never there to support my achievements, to comfort me when I was ill, you never supported me financially, you never found the time in your busy schedule to even give me a hug. We don't have a bond, because you never cared enough to make one. So don't think you can waltz into my life demand my attention (for you own selfish gain). You robbed me of a father I should of had and I can never forgive or forget. Luckily for me I do have a loving a caring father who came into my life when you couldn't be bothered. So the position of dad is filled, it's a life long commitment. You missed out. Now go back to your new life and try to make it work, a top tip for you- treat people with love and kindness- you reap what you sow.'

Although I said never to forgive- it would be better to forgive but never forget for your daughters sake. Carrying around that bitterness inside can do real damage to a person- damage your daughter doesn't deserve. X

THIS!!
Hapoydayz · 11/01/2022 21:03

If he shows up again support your DD if she wants the police to tell him to back off. I bet he has been telling all and sundry for years about how much child support he's paid and how you are a crazy ex that blocked contact. Sadly his fiancé has lapped up his lies now he needs a DD to show up for the wedding! Well done to you DD though.

Royalbloo · 11/01/2022 21:09

Go on girl x x x x

What a legend x

Insidelaurashead · 11/01/2022 21:18

Your DD is 21 and handled that so well that she got her younger siblings out of the way before telling him to fuck off? You raised her well, buy both of you a well deserved glass of wine, cuppa or whatever you fancy

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 21:25

I feel sorry for the dad

XelaM · 11/01/2022 21:34

@Mufasa1118 Why? My ex-husband sounds very much like the father here. He completely disappears for months, at times years, doesn't even call (he changes his number constantly and we don't have his current number). Last time he made contact with our daughter was December 2020. We have literally not heard a word from him since. I know he's alive because I'm in contact with my ex-in-laws, but he just vanished out of our daughter's life without any reason whatsoever. In fact, their last conversation was about how he was going to visit her in January 2020. If he were to suddenly reappear, I think my daughter's reaction will be similar (she's 11).

XelaM · 11/01/2022 21:34

January 2021 that should say*

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 21:35

XelaM I can feel compassion for a man turning up to a house, wanting to see his daughter, and being told to fuck off

Littlepaws18 · 11/01/2022 21:47

@Mufasa1118

I feel sorry for the dad
Sorry for an absent father who came back to demand his daughters presence to his wedding because he told his new wife to be that he has the daughter you always wanted and he's a good father?!!

Children are not objects you can discard and pick up when you fancy, they have thoughts and feelings to take into consideration! This man has only ever considered his own needs.

To say your sympathy is misplaced is an understatement!

Littlepaws18 · 11/01/2022 21:50

@Mufasa1118

XelaM I can feel compassion for a man turning up to a house, wanting to see his daughter, and being told to fuck off
His motivation was not to build a new relationship with his daughter, to apologise for the decades of poor parenting to try and build a bond. All he wanted was a chance to parade her around at a wedding to show his future wife he has the daughter she always wanted.

If he came knocking at my door he would get a whole raft of swear words!

tricksyt · 11/01/2022 21:50

@Mufasa1118

XelaM I can feel compassion for a man turning up to a house, wanting to see his daughter, and being told to fuck off
he would disappear out of her life for years at a time, never paid anything in maintenance, he actually told his family she was not his, would turn up, demand to see her and then vanish again.

Did you miss this part?

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 21:55

Yes I understand he was in and out of her life and didn't pay maintenence. I understand that he wasn't an ideal man.

I still feel compassion for a human being going to a house trying to see his child.

I have been in that position. Though I was the opposite way round.
I
turned up at my father's house trying to see him.

I know how scary it is to go to someone's house, to have the huge hope that you have that they will want to see you, then being rejected.

It is the worst thing that ever happened to me. It affected me so much.
To have a close family member reject you is hear tbreaking.

I also feel empathy for the daughter

Coffeeonmytoffee · 11/01/2022 22:01

Good for her. What an amazing child you’ve raised. She knows her worth and is able to express that.
I hope she is ok x