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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend going speed dating

148 replies

EnviroLeg · 09/01/2022 08:49

My boyfriend has a good friend who is looking to meet someone to settle down with.

The friend thinks my bf is single as he hasn’t told him about our relationship yet.

The friend has asked my bf along to go speed dating with him at a local pub. I don’t think I am ok with this but my bf thinks I am being controlling.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Butterfly44 · 09/01/2022 12:30

Would he be ok if you tagged along too ...you know ...to support him?

Notimeforaname · 09/01/2022 12:32

I’m going around to his tonight and will be having a discussion with him

With the greatest of respect...dont waste your time. The man is playing you.

He Is going speed dating and calling you 'controlling'.

So we've got:
Lying
Gaslighting
Cheating
And no respect.

He doesnt care about you passed what he can get from you.

You going round there to talk just shows him you do and will hang around for this shit.

The moment he said he was going dating and you are controlling was supposed to be the moment you said goodbye..

Dont aste any more time on this loser..

Notimeforaname · 09/01/2022 12:34

I can believe you are still talking to him and going to see him tonight. Genuinely shocked.

noirchatsdeux · 09/01/2022 12:36

I had the same, but opposite situation - I was introduced to all his friends, but he kept me a secret from his family... for nearly 5 years

Looking back, I have no idea why I put up with it. I met him a year after I divorced my first husband, I was 25. We started as a couple at the start of 1995, I didn't end up meeting his family until Christmas 1999...and we all lived in the same town. Even when we got engaged in 2000 (leap year, I proposed to him) he made me keep it a secret from his family for a year...I should have split up with him, not gotten engaged!

I ended up leaving him at the beginning of 2010...15 years too late.

Dump this loser now, don't waste any more time on him.

Ileflottante · 09/01/2022 12:42

I just started to doubt myself because he’s so convincing.

If anyone is controlling it’s him. He’s calling you names because you aren’t comfortable with your boyfriend dating other women?! Not only that, he’s hiding his relationship with you.

He sounds excruciatingly immature, intellectually challenged and frankly unpleasant.

Bid him farewell and tell him to enjoy the shitty speed dating in the pub…

Livpool · 09/01/2022 12:47

One of friends went speed dating about 8 years ago and I was desperate to go and see what it was like. BUT I lived with my boyfriend (now DH) so I didn't go. Your boyfriend is being unfair to you

Hankunamatata · 09/01/2022 12:53

Oh op get your but along there and speeed date too. And see his reaction

Hankunamatata · 09/01/2022 12:53

Butt

jimmyjammy001 · 09/01/2022 13:06

I'm sorry but You are not in a relationship if your boyfriend is going off speed dating. End of.

CantHaveTooMuchChocolate · 09/01/2022 13:08

Sorry but you shouldn’t need msm to tell you that your bf of over a year going speed dating is not ok.

How about suggesting you can go along and support your bf speed dating and join in as well? You don’t even need to tell his friend about your relationship if your bf doesn’t want him to know

RedHelenB · 09/01/2022 13:19

Yanbu. Looks like your relationship isn't as important to him as you think. Fair enough to go with him if he didn't take part as he was already in a relationship.

DoubleTweenQueen · 09/01/2022 13:22

@CantHaveTooMuchChocolate

Sorry but you shouldn’t need msm to tell you that your bf of over a year going speed dating is not ok.

How about suggesting you can go along and support your bf speed dating and join in as well? You don’t even need to tell his friend about your relationship if your bf doesn’t want him to know

Yes, perfect. It’s just a way of getting to chat to a number of people.

I think OP should put her toe in the water, not show herself to be bothered by feckless so-called BF. Perhaps he may see her in a different light, reassess his commitment to their relationship - one way or another.
Perhaps OP will also gain more confidence to reassess her relationship. Perhaps she’ll find someone new, or may just have a laugh.

Much better than attempting a fraught discussion which is not likely to get either person anywhere.

A good way to put closure to the relationship, if that’s what’s needed.

Katieandthekids · 09/01/2022 13:24

Also it's not fair on the other women there looking to meet someone.

ChargingBuck · 09/01/2022 13:29

All the PP urging OP to attend the speed dating event are missing the point. She will just look desperate to keep tabs in him.

The way to put closure on the relationship isn't to follow this man to pubs like a lost puppy - it's to speed dump him. By text. Then block.

Notimeforaname · 09/01/2022 13:38

I know someone who did this. Didn't introduce the girl to his family, were going out for about a year.

The chap died suddenly, she showed up to his mourning family in bits, they had no idea who she was. All very uncomfortable.

Thelnebriati · 09/01/2022 13:45

He Is going speed dating and calling you 'controlling'? Tell him you are going speed dating and dump him.
Whatever you do, don't get more involved with him, don't share a home or finances, and don't have children with him.

alexis4theppl · 09/01/2022 13:50

The doubts you are feeling are actually your instincts. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!! If you are not comfortable with him doing this and have expressed you aren't it's then down to him what we does with that information. Stand you ground on your feelings. If he proceeds to go knowing all of this I'm sorry but I think you have your answer and know what you should do with the relationship. 💐

donquixotedelamancha · 09/01/2022 14:14

You don't have a boyfriend, sorry

Yeah, this. I'm really sorry but I laughed out loud when you said you'd been together a year.

The absolute best case scenario is that he's emotionally stunted if he'd genuinely rather go dating than face his friends knowing he has a girlfriend.

I think it's much more likely that he just isn't remotely commited to you.

donquixotedelamancha · 09/01/2022 14:18

Perhaps he may see her in a different light, reassess his commitment to their relationship - one way or another.....Much better than attempting a fraught discussion which is not likely to get either person anywhere.

Yes, playing games is much more effective than honest conversation for building a healthy relationship.

Scrabblecrabapple · 09/01/2022 14:20

My now DH was asked this exact scenario for a shy friend before we were married. He asked me to go as well though. We did as his friend is a sweetie. At the speed dating we pretended we didn’t know each other and then had the best dirty sex ever. Before kids was a magical time.

DoubleTweenQueen · 09/01/2022 14:24

@donquixotedelamancha I don’t see how having to talk through the reason why the OP is not comfortable with BF going speed-dating with his friend will add to building a healthy relationship. The relationship either has legs or it doesn’t. If it’s broke, no point trying to fix it.

Or perhaps BF has been taking OP for granted and needs a wake-up call.
It’s either that, or just walk away.

Nikkic2123 · 09/01/2022 14:33

@EnviroLeg

I’ve met his family and I actually know his friends as we all work together in the same sector (not the same company). He says that they can be overbearing when he’s in a relationship and given that we all work together he wants to keep our relationship ‘his business’

We’ve been together over a year so it isn’t a new relationship.

Thank you for confirming that I am not being unreasonable.

Hi When I started seeing my now husband we worked together in the same company, we kept the relationship to ourselves for 6 months, then we went on holiday. That kind of gave it away. He spoke to his sister about me and I spoke to my friends about him, I can't remember anything else as it was 15 years ago. I wouldn't have been happy about him speed dating & after a year I would start to question why he wouldn't want to tell people we were an item x

CandyLeBonBon · 09/01/2022 16:23

Big fat nope nope nopety-nope from me. Big fuck off red flags all round. 🚩 🚩 🚩

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