Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going speed dating

148 replies

EnviroLeg · 09/01/2022 08:49

My boyfriend has a good friend who is looking to meet someone to settle down with.

The friend thinks my bf is single as he hasn’t told him about our relationship yet.

The friend has asked my bf along to go speed dating with him at a local pub. I don’t think I am ok with this but my bf thinks I am being controlling.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 09/01/2022 09:35

Yes, go along to the speed dating night as well.

Skyeheather · 09/01/2022 09:37

His friend can go speed dating on his own, I used to go my myself as did most people, he doesn't need someone to hold his hand.

Phrowzunn · 09/01/2022 09:38

When my sister was looking for someone I went speed dating with her even though I had a long-term boyfriend (now DH). It was fun as I was basically just getting second opinions on them all for my sister so we could discuss them afterwards. The difference obviously was my sister was aware of (and good friends with) my other half and he was totally fine with it. It’s very weird that your boyfriend hasn’t told his friend about you and I would question whether he is actually indeed your boyfriend.

fernyflax · 09/01/2022 09:39

If he was going purely to support his friend, who knew about your relationship. I'd say let him go, even join in as a bit of fun. But that's not the case here, you are a secret from his friend! That's weird, I'd say this man isn't your boyfriend! Sod him off, what a wanker!

Merryoldgoat · 09/01/2022 09:40

The night my DH asked me out (we’d been part of a friendship group all together) he put my birthday in his phone, told me he wanted us to be exclusive and that was that.

Tulips21 · 09/01/2022 09:40

What a twat. Clearly thinks v.little of your relationship.
You've wasted a year already with him-
I would be leaving him and letting everyone know why.

BigYellowHat · 09/01/2022 09:41

Definitely not your boyfriend. A boyfriend should be proud to tell his mates about you, even if it’s early days and it’s not the right time to mix friendship groups. If he’s happy to go speed dating then you need to dump him. Otherwise, tell him you’re going on a Tinder date and see how he likes it.

AliMonkey · 09/01/2022 09:41

I do understand him wanting to keep your relationship separate from work friends - DH and I worked together and kept it quiet from good work friends (who we regularly socialised with) for six months and from wider colleagues for longer. But (a) that was a joint decision and (b) he didn’t go speed dating! I’d say that it was time to tell the friend or as a minimum to find an excuse why he can’t go. It’s different to going out with friend to eg a nightclub where yes his friend might be on the pull but he can also just go to have a good evening. Also not fair on the women wasting their time on your boyfriend at the event.

HaveringWavering · 09/01/2022 09:43

I' d be totally pissed off if I went speed dating and wasted my energy and time talking to someone who wasn't single. Or if I organised an event and the participants lied about their status.

He's being a twat to everyone,not just you. Dump his ass and he can speed date to his heart's content.

Restart10 · 09/01/2022 09:44

Agree with Merryoldgoat

Just to add, he's making you a fool and you are playing the part well. Take so responsibility towards yourself and stop entertaining this nonsense. Also take some time to figure out why you even accepted this in the first place. He absolutely, clearly does not think of you seriously. Please raise your standards.

Grida · 09/01/2022 09:45

I wouldn’t be having a discussion about it. I would dump him. He isn’t going to suddenly realise how much he loves and respects you. He might string you along until he meets someone else. Don’t waste any more of your life on him.

HaveringWavering · 09/01/2022 09:46

Really surprised that speed dating is happening at all right now given Covid. Must be hard to chat while socially distanced?

blackcurrantjam · 09/01/2022 09:48

RUN! Seriously, this is one of those situations you will look back on as a red flag when you're married with two kids and he's had an affair and you're divorcing and it's a total shit show

MargosKaftan · 09/01/2022 09:49

After a year, your relationship shouldn't be a secret. I can completely understand the first month or so when you were first dating before it was clear it was going to work that he'd want to keep it quiet at work (and therefore not tell friends who work with him), but after a year and you meeting family, if he saw your relationship as serious, he wouldn't be keeping you secret.

This isn't about the speed dating, why is he still keeping his options open after a year? Unless there's another woman work friends know about (but family don't!) there's no reason to keep your relationship secret from friends.

Id dump him for acting like you are someone to be ashamed of.

MargosKaftan · 09/01/2022 09:50

Also think I would turn up to the speed dating.

BiscuitLover3678 · 09/01/2022 09:50

And he didn’t say he had a gf? Confused he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too. Come on.

Notsomerryandbright · 09/01/2022 09:52

Dump him and tell him to use the opportunity to find his next victim

DroopyClematis · 09/01/2022 09:55

That he's called you 'controlling' after you've objected to his speed dating is a massive red flag in itself.
That you are even second guessing it suggests that he is a very persuasive man indeed... another red flag.

That your relationship , after a year, is still hidden from his friends is yet another red flag.

How many more red flags do you need?

The next step may well be gaslighting if you're not there already.

Londontown12 · 09/01/2022 09:59

Please don’t doubt yourself! If people think he’s single (family and friends ) and he hooks up with someone they won’t say anything to him because as far as they know he’s single and ok to mingle ! If he did this and they knew he was in a relationship with you he would be judged far more harshly! I think you should date someone who is proud to call you their girlfriend partner xx

HaveringWavering · 09/01/2022 10:01

Bear in mind he's also clearly happy about spending the evening lying to 15 other women. That's fucking pychopathic!

WorriedGiraffe · 09/01/2022 10:06

Over a year and you are still his dirty little secret! So when he goes on nights out with his friends, it’d look weird if he didn’t try and pull wouldn’t it? So the chances that he hasn’t cheated on you are 0 really arnt they. Can’t believe people fall for stuff like this.

You clearly arnt going to break up with him, so why don’t you go speed dating and see how he likes it?

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 10:11

Does he have to get the number of a good looking woman who chats him up at a bar because it'd look strange if he didn't?

Where does it end?

The man you've been sleeping with for a year wants to go speed dating...

I'd end it.

furbabymama87 · 09/01/2022 10:12

Dump him. You're only his girlfriend when it suits him. He's taking the piss, sorry.

AngeloMysterioso · 09/01/2022 10:12

You’re not his girlfriend, you’re his fuck buddy. You just don’t know it.

SocialConnection · 09/01/2022 10:14

Go speed dating. Turn up at the same event looking amazing. Sparkle and fascinate. See how he likes it.