Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going speed dating

148 replies

EnviroLeg · 09/01/2022 08:49

My boyfriend has a good friend who is looking to meet someone to settle down with.

The friend thinks my bf is single as he hasn’t told him about our relationship yet.

The friend has asked my bf along to go speed dating with him at a local pub. I don’t think I am ok with this but my bf thinks I am being controlling.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/01/2022 10:15

It’s astonishing what you read on here and how low the bar is set for some women and what they will put up with. This man is keeping uou a secret for a year and is off dating other women? And you call him your boyfriend? He’s not your boyfriend, he’s some bloke who is having sex with you and looking elsewhere.

End it and go find someone who isn’t ashamed to be with you.

TracyMosby · 09/01/2022 10:16

@SocialConnection

Go speed dating. Turn up at the same event looking amazing. Sparkle and fascinate. See how he likes it.
Ooooo i like that!
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 09/01/2022 10:18

He says that they can be overbearing when he’s in a relationship
Like telling him not to cheat, that sort of the overbearing?

ChargingBuck · 09/01/2022 10:27

I don’t think I am ok with this but my bf thinks I am being controlling.

FFS. Of course you're not ok with it. I imagine his excuse is that his 'friend' thinks he's still single, so in some kind of tortured logic that makes his contemptous behaviour somehow ok?

There is no point arguing the toss with someone who doesn't respect you enough to go public with you.

Speed dump him.

ChargingBuck · 09/01/2022 10:32

We’ve been together over a year so it isn’t a new relationship.
What the ... ??!!!
HOW have you tolerated this nonsense for a YEAR?

I just started to doubt myself because he’s so convincing.
I’m going around to his tonight and will be having a discussion with him.

Enviro - can you do yourself a huge favour & NOT go & see him?
You know he will come over all "convincing" & end up making you agree that black is white.
Why give yourself the aggro?
Your b/f is so massively entitled & arrogant, he is never going to accept that you have a valid point.

Save yourself the bother & heartache, & dump him by text.

TheWeeDonkey · 09/01/2022 10:34

I hate to tell you this but he's not your boyfriend. You might think he is but clearly he does not.

lesenfantsdelesperance · 09/01/2022 10:49

You say he is your boyfriend, I think he has just told you he isn't!

Lairymary · 09/01/2022 10:50

You should also participate in the speed dating event! Wink

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 09/01/2022 10:53

@Lairymary

You should also participate in the speed dating event! Wink
Why are people saying this? She needs to cut him out of her life. Prancing round a pub after him would just make her look foolish. So he thinks she looks great, then what? He's still behaved badly so she shouldn't date him regardless.
Cakecakecheese · 09/01/2022 10:56

Obviously you don't go speed dating if you have a girlfriend! The fact that he can't see anything wrong with this plan is quite concerning tbh. The thing that's most concerning though is that you've brought up your perfectly legitimate concerns about it and he's trying to make you seem like the unreasonable one.

Branleuse · 09/01/2022 10:57

Who the fuck would be ok with this?

Tell him he is entitled to go speed dating as much as he likes because he is now fuckin single

WorraLiberty · 09/01/2022 11:00

@Bluntness100

It’s astonishing what you read on here and how low the bar is set for some women and what they will put up with. This man is keeping uou a secret for a year and is off dating other women? And you call him your boyfriend? He’s not your boyfriend, he’s some bloke who is having sex with you and looking elsewhere.

End it and go find someone who isn’t ashamed to be with you.

This ^^ 1 million percent
afizzysweet · 09/01/2022 11:01

There are so many red flags here it's unreal.

Him calling you controlling, him wanting to go DATING when he's in a RELATIONSHIP, him keeping your year long relationship a secret?! Sorry OP but he's got the wool seriously pulled over your eyes. Get rid.

Hoppinggreen · 09/01/2022 11:05

He’s not your boyfriend

SarahBellam · 09/01/2022 11:06

So he hasn’t told his friend about you and he wants to go speed dating? You’re a FWB, not a girlfriend.

WeAllHaveWings · 09/01/2022 11:14

I wouldnt have a problem with him going to the speed dating to support his friend and even taking part (it is just talking a bit flirty isn't it?) if I trusted him.

But, I wouldnt be with him in the first place if he hadnt told the friends he was in a year long relationship. This is your main problem. He is deciving both you and his friends, not an attractive attribute.

Quackpot · 09/01/2022 11:15

@EnviroLeg

I do know that it’s messed up. I’m not even sure that I can get past the fact that he wanted to go and tried to convince me it was a normal thing. Even if he says he isn’t going.

I just started to doubt myself because he’s so convincing.

I’m going around to his tonight and will be having a discussion with him.

He sounds gaslighty as fuck. Dump and run and don't look back
Bootskates · 09/01/2022 11:18

Leaving aside the speed dating issue, this man is not looking for anything serious with you, sorry.

The relationship won't evolve as he knows he will look like a fool and a total weirdo saying to his friends/family that you guys have been together for 2.5 years and are now engaged (for eg) when they have seen you both regularly throughout those years. He is not thinking about the future with you.

The speed dating thing is just a good time to call it a day

Quackpot · 09/01/2022 11:19

Actually, do look back; note all the red flags from your relationship, so you can recognise them in the future.

Budapestdreams · 09/01/2022 11:20

I agree with pp. Keeping a relationship secret for a couple of months I can understand, but a YEAR!! No, that is not normal.
He wants to keep you a secret and that is a MASSIVE red flag.

I wouldn't advise you to go speed dating too, although it would be interesting to know whether he would be ok with YOU going speed dating. I suspect he wouldn't be too happy about you doing it.

Honeyroar · 09/01/2022 11:21

Do you not feel that this whole “relationship” is not normal and healthy? I can’t believe he’s got you pondering whether you’re controlling! One of you certainly seems to control your relationship, but it’s not you.

GiftWrappingLikeItsXmasEve · 09/01/2022 11:21

Do his family know you are in a relationship? I know you said you met them but did you meet as his girlfriend? Do his other friends know?
How will they stop being overbearing if you delay meeting them? Why can’t he deal with them?

No it’s ridiculous for him to participate in speed dating and expect you to be fine with that.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 09/01/2022 11:22

He says he is only going to support his friend but he is saying that it will be weird if he doesn’t take part in the actual ‘dating’ part of it.

So he will be tricking women who think he is serious, wasting their time and letting them down, just for his own amusement.
Or he'll be looking for someone to replace you.
It doesn't really matter which, does it? He's not someone you want in your life.

Gumbomambo · 09/01/2022 11:22

He’s a using disrespectful shite. How dare he treat you like this? His friend is looking for a partner but your “boyfriend” can’t tell his friend he’s got a partner? Why? Why are you a secret? Why are you letting yourself be treated this way? Don’t waste anymore of your precious time on this selfish weak fool.

PinkSyCo · 09/01/2022 11:23

Haha talk about having your cake and eating it? (Him not you obvs) You OP are a prize mug for agreeing to be kept a secret for a year! He is using you in such a blatant cruel way. Tell him to fuck off.