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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going speed dating

148 replies

EnviroLeg · 09/01/2022 08:49

My boyfriend has a good friend who is looking to meet someone to settle down with.

The friend thinks my bf is single as he hasn’t told him about our relationship yet.

The friend has asked my bf along to go speed dating with him at a local pub. I don’t think I am ok with this but my bf thinks I am being controlling.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FatFucker · 09/01/2022 09:09

Omg how old are you?

*He's not your boyfriend!!"

Wonnle · 09/01/2022 09:10

Well i'm a bloke and that's just plain wrong in my book

Why hasn't he told his mate about you I wonder

Original poster
EnviroLeg · 09/01/2022 09:11

I’ve met his family and I actually know his friends as we all work together in the same sector (not the same company). He says that they can be overbearing when he’s in a relationship and given that we all work together he wants to keep our relationship ‘his business’

We’ve been together over a year so it isn’t a new relationship.

Thank you for confirming that I am not being unreasonable.

OP posts:
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 09/01/2022 09:12

That he hasn't told his mate about you would be a red flag for me.

Maybe go speed dating yourself, I'm sorry to say I think you need a new fella.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 09/01/2022 09:14

Oh wow I'd have a much bigger issue with a year long relationship being secret. What on earth does he think he's playing at!?

Looubylou · 09/01/2022 09:14

Please trust your instincts, and don't give him the chance to apologise/backtrack. The fact he ever thought this was OK, is the reason to end things. He will destroy your self respect.

Eternallyfrazzled · 09/01/2022 09:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at OP's request.

Londongent · 09/01/2022 09:15

Go to the same speed dating night and have fun. Maybe you will meet someone else who will tell people about your relationship

Palavah · 09/01/2022 09:15

He says he is only going to support his friend but he is saying that it will be weird if he doesn’t take part in the actual ‘dating’ part of it.

It'll be weird if he does take part in the dating part. How annoyed would you be if you went speed dating and found out half the guys weren't looking, they were just there to 'support' their mates?

DiamondBright · 09/01/2022 09:17

It's always unreasonable when someone in a relationship wants to go dating !! What a ridiculous thing to suggest.

I'd be seriously reconsidering this relationship, watch out, you'll end up apologising for upsetting him by not letting him go.

WhyYesYABU · 09/01/2022 09:18

This is all incredibly bizarre. Is he really your boyfriend if your relationship is a secret? Sounds like he's having his cake and eating it and I'm astounded he's managed to persuade you thus far that this is Ok.

PicaK · 09/01/2022 09:18

He's showing no thought for you and absolutely none for the girls he's going to engage with whilst there.

DoubleTweenQueen · 09/01/2022 09:19

@EnviroLeg I think you should go too? Might be fun. Will either bring you closer together, or not. Pretend you don't know each other. That's what I would do. Take a girlfriend with you and have a laugh.

HundredMilesAnHour · 09/01/2022 09:19

@EnviroLeg

I’ve met his family and I actually know his friends as we all work together in the same sector (not the same company). He says that they can be overbearing when he’s in a relationship and given that we all work together he wants to keep our relationship ‘his business’

We’ve been together over a year so it isn’t a new relationship.

Thank you for confirming that I am not being unreasonable.

I can't believe you fell for the 'his business' lie. What he means is that he can see / shag whoever he wants and you won't find out. Whereas if his friends knew he was seeing you, there's a chance they might tell you what he's up to (especially since they know you!)

You deserve better than this guy.

Mummyratbag · 09/01/2022 09:20

I promise you at some point in the future you will look back at this and see just how unreasonable HE is, not you.

Walk away and don't look back, this won't get better.

TracyMosby · 09/01/2022 09:22

The friend thinks my bf is single as he hasn’t told him about our relationship yet
We’ve been together over a year so it isn’t a new relationship

Op, with respect, the speed dating isnt your issue.

This is a man who has been asked to go speed dating a year into a relationship and sees no issue with it. His friend who asks thinks he is on the dating scene. He is keeping you a secret. The only explanation for that is that he acts single when he is with those friends. What is he doing on nights out with friends that they think benis single and up for speed dating? Were you introduced to his parents as his girlfriend of a year?

Time to stop wasting your life. Why do you want to be a secret?

LittleWins · 09/01/2022 09:24

This is mad. Enormous red flag. So enormous he can’t be arsed to hide it.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Life’s too short for this disrespectful crap. Let alone the blatant lying about his friends being overbearing.

Why does he think he can treat you like this? Have similar things happened?

SilverPeacock · 09/01/2022 09:26

This is seriously fucked up OP you must see that? You need to get rid.

dopple · 09/01/2022 09:28

He's enjoying pretending to be single with your blessing, why put you with that.

After a year you should not be kept a secret, he's full of excuses, don't let him pull the wool over your eyes.

Original poster
EnviroLeg · 09/01/2022 09:30

I do know that it’s messed up. I’m not even sure that I can get past the fact that he wanted to go and tried to convince me it was a normal thing. Even if he says he isn’t going.

I just started to doubt myself because he’s so convincing.

I’m going around to his tonight and will be having a discussion with him.

OP posts:
Ploppy1322 · 09/01/2022 09:32

WTAF No! You don't go speed dating when in a relationship whatever the reason. The fact this guy is trying to make you feel you're in the wrong for not being comfortable and the fact he hasn't told his friends about you tells you everything you need to know. He's a lying shit who's keeping his options open! You should throw this one back hon xx

MichelleScarn · 09/01/2022 09:33

Why don't you go along to the dating night too? Might meet someone much nicer!

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 09/01/2022 09:34

“ I just started to doubt myself because he’s so convincing. ”

Start of a very slippery slope. Massive red flag here.

Merryoldgoat · 09/01/2022 09:35

Ffs.

I had a thread a few weeks ago about women having low standards.

It was quite split but many thought I was blaming women for men’s poor behaviour.

THIS is the kind of shit I’m talking about.

You’ve been seeing someone for a year and in spite of you knowing his friend he’s not mentioned your YEAR LONG relationship.

Have some self respect ffs.

UserBot989 · 09/01/2022 09:35

Don't doubt yourself.

x