Comments that have stayed with you into adulthood

[IcyBlonde15]

I am very conscious now that my words can have a long lasting impact and think very carefully about what I say to people. Two things that have stuck out to me from my teen years are when I was going out with a boy I really loved as a teenager and he told me his friend asked him “what are you DOING with her? She’s scum she’s not good enough for you” always made me very insecure and wondered what was so WRONG with me, and I still sometimes get paranoid that I’m somehow not as good as other people which is mad now I’m an adult! Also a friends mum told me to sit in the front as I was “the largest girl” which started an eating disorder that still rears it’s head now. The impact of words on young minds is so strong I want to teach my kids to be very mindful of things they say as they have no idea the amount of damage it can do. AIBU or maybe just need to get better at letting go of grudges!!

"You were ugly as a child but are OK now"

Totally heartbreaking thread! Unfortunately I can think of loads but one that comes to mind straight away is from DM. I had a lovely long chocolate brown dress that I felt really good in. I was nowhere near overweight but DM had ( and still has) serious issues with food so was always remarking on my size. I was getting ready for a date with a fairly new boyfriend & DM remarked “ You’re not going out in that, are you?” It was over 20 years ago but it still hurts.

Oh gosh lots of things being told i had tree trunk legs when i was 8 by my uncle made me feel fat but when i look at old photos i wasn't. A hairdresser said my hair was too wild and frizzy so gave me a short back and sides (it was but I've since found a good product). My grandmother told me i was to outspoken (which is true but only because she was a nasty piece of work and didn't like being told). Yes some people should just keep their gobs shut or offer good hair products.

In the middle of a classic teenage me argument, my dad said “god you’re really hard to love and even harder to like”. I’ve never ever forgotten it, I’m almost certain he has as it was a throwaway line but I’ve spent 20 years wondering why someone would want to like/love me and it’s had a huge affect

A teacher at school, when I said I wanted to be a doctor, laughed and said “you have to have some intelligence for that Lego”

Another teacher at school, infront of the class, said “work hard and in 15 years you’ll all look back and be glad you haven’t turned into Lego”

There’s many more school ones, they had such an impact on me that it’s only in the last 12/18m that I’ve genuinely realised I’m not stupid, I was made to feel that way but I’m not. I sometimes wonder who I would’ve been if someone had had some faith in me

I had a difficult pregnancy with dc1. Had hyperemesis and a cesarean. My mother is incapable of doing excitement and joy ; it just isn't within her . So her lack of outward happiness at the announcement of my first pregnancy wasn't a surprise. When I phoned her to tell her I was pregnant with dc2 her only comment was "Well you may as well kill yourself while you're at it". Thanks mum . Saddest thing is that I wasn't upset or surprised. Dead from the neck up is how I would describe her

Oh gosh. I was around 8 I guess, when a friend's mum said 'you've put on weight', I looked down at my tummy and she said 'not on your tummy silly! Your face!' - I've be obsessed with my face being fat ever since. It's one of my biggest insecurities. I look back now and at her comment and think 'wtf???', I mean WHY say that to anyone, let alone an 8 year old.

At the end of my first placement during my nurse training (a geriatric ward) I passed the exam and everything was positive on my assessment but the Charge Nurse wrote in the comments that they didn’t know how I would cope in an acute medical ward. I went on to work in acute medicine for 30 years but I never forgot that remark and I always felt I must be lacking somewhere. I still wonder what she saw that made her think that.

My Dad told me if he and Mum ever got divorced it would be my fault, when I was 10 or 11. They split when I was 24. I'm 56 next week, and still blame myself. He also asked why I didn't get a First when I rang him to tell him I had got an Upper Second (the first one in my family to actually get a degree), and told me I'd never amount to much.

There are so many. This will take two posts. They are from or in some way dependant on my parents. For context, my brother and I did not have anything like a typical childhood. We didn’t think it odd, but we were always on the move within and between countries. How the parents got together is a bit of a mystery but I doubt it was savoury and I’m sure my mother used her wits and beauty to escape limited opportunities as countries transitioned when the communist bloc fell apart. I was born in 1990 and have done the maths.

Father speaks two languages, mother three, and they intersect with English. [I am being vague as specifics would be outing. I can’t DM/DF as my parents are more enigmas than Dear to me.] My mother brought me up dipping in and out of one of her other languages and I would spend some summers away with relatives immersed in both language and culture. As part of their uncivil war my father would converse with us in his paternal language. I’m close to fluent in it and, yes, eventually I was sent off for weeks here and there to live with relatives to be programmed in an alternative way.

I’ve never been too sure who I am and have always felt rootless. The only person I know with the same mix of heritages is my brother and we have an attachment that allows us to, as adults, question and reflect on the whole WTFery of out childhoods. I have two passports. I’m probably eligible for four.

Three things that resurface occasionally:

The GCSE teacher of the language I speak to my father in: “you don’t QUITE get this do you?”. She thought the regional dialect I know was me making errors rather than being just a little different to the RPish standard of the capital. It could have been an enriching teaching point. I adapted to her Anglo version both well and soon enough to get the grade.

My father when they were going through one of their splits that left them in different countries and I was wondering how I fitted in: “you’ve almost got the looks of your mother, but you haven’t got my intellect”.

The time I was 5 or so and misbehaving when they had a brief moment of agreement: She – ‘we must have brought the wrong baby back from the hospital’, He: “I’ve often thought this”.

When I told a friend this and he suggested This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin might help, I found it did, but luckily for Mumsnet I ignored the final line of the third verse.

So many very sad stories, to you all.

Can I chuck in a positive one? I was a really awkward teen, painfully shy, nerdy, geeky, spotty, no confidence. My mum had a very glamorous friend who had a reputation for being a bit self-centred and spoiled, and spoke her mind without caring what anyone thought. I overheard her talking about me to my mum: “She’s very elegant, isn’t she?” It boosted my confidence and self-esteem more than she would ever know. (Plus her last ever act before her untimely death was to bring my mum who’d just had an operation a shepherd’s pie! Thank you Maria ❤️)

Dad "you always make everything about you. You are a nasty piece of work. Really it is your fault that your mum and I split."
Mum's friend "such a shame Allupsidedown is so hefty, she has a pretty face."
Not nice comments and definitely both still affect my self esteem, despite me trying not to let them.

The intentional upset caused by parents here is horrific. My heart goes out to you all.

My worst are because they are unintentional. I am not attractive. Never have been. But I have had 2 very memorable situations where I have been mistaken for a male as a teenager.

In one of those I had to explain in front of friends that I actually wanted the key to the female toilet, not the one I was offered. In the other I spent a taxi journey not correcting the driver who was trying to encourage me to try it on with the female friend who I had hugged goodbye to.

It is what they honestly believed. Therefore I actually look like a man. I can’t get over that.

As an aside, when new parents are considering a traditionally male name for their daughter , I wish they would consider that she may not be objectively feminine.

When I was 18, my then boyfriend introduced me to a guy in the pub who said to me “so you ate all the pies“ ( again like other posters, I was a size 10 and would LOvE that figure again.)

It stuck with me throughout the years but in the thirties I came back to the U.K., meet DH and I meet my now in-laws and it was my father in law who said it! He has no idea he has met me previously.

“You shouldn’t have cellulite on your legs at your age!” From my mum when I was maybe 15/16.

“You’ve piled on the pork!” from my gran, I was 19. I was really thin at the time and had put on a few pounds at uni.

“You must feel massive when you’re next to her! She’s so petite and tiny” from my mother in law about her other son’s girlfriend. One example of so many comments, never in front of anyone else.

You’re a dentist’s nightmare, from a boy in my form.

“Are you sure you want to be a doctor? You’ll need at least a B to do that” from my chemistry a level teacher in front of the class. He was clueless. I got a B eventually but not with him!

Honestly isn’t it awful what we cling onto? I have such a good memory and it’s an absolute curse.

I was told that I wasn't good at maths. Turns out I was rather good at maths. But the context was my brother, who is exceptionally mathematically gifted. As an adult, I know for sure I'm good at maths. I refuse to label my children as good or bad at anything. I tell them that people can go from good to less good to great at different subjects over the time spent in school and throughout life.

On the other hand, at about 19 a woman approached me in a Tesco and said “I really wish I had a figure like yours”. I wasn’t wearing a flattering outfit and I was flustered at the time but that moment of kindness has stayed with me for decades.

As well as awful things by my dad, I have to hold onto a nurse when I was in hospital telling me that I had a beautiful soul that radiates sunshine and love.
And my dd "you are the best mummy in the whole wide world." Those comments have definitely helped me through some dark times.

I’ve remembered another one which is actually funny. My dad when I told him I’d got engaged (we had been together 8 years) “well it’s still a surprise, it’s like when you know someone is going to die but it’s still a shock when they do”

@Dogshark

On the other hand, at about 19 a woman approached me in a Tesco and said “I really wish I had a figure like yours”. I wasn’t wearing a flattering outfit and I was flustered at the time but that moment of kindness has stayed with me for decades.

Yes I've had many compliments too that negate the negative comments thanks for sharing.

@DimplesToadfoot

I was evil. I was scum of the earth. A burden on society. No one would love me. Even my own parents couldn't love me as I was that awful. Your mum tried to have you aborted but you're that nasty you crawled out of the bucket. Just a few delectable snippets thrown at me by the staff of the children's home I was raised in. I learned to believe them, its never left me.

I'm so sorry to hear this Can't get my head around how people can be so hurtful to a defenceless child. Wtf.

A friend of a boy I liked made a really unkind, awful, out loud comment about me once. I was upset and embarrassed. It hung around my head for about 10 years but he approached me when we were 25 and apologised profusely and said he’d felt awful for years. He had really liked me at the time and was upset I liked his friend.

I always remind my kids of this when they feel insecure...if someone says something to upset you it’s more likely about how they feel than about you. Or they are a dick.

When I was expecting my second child and my Nan said to me "I don't know why you're having another, you can't even cope with the one you've got".
Same Nan, when she visited to see my first baby (when he was probably 3 days old) grabbed hold of belly with both hands and said "you'll have to get rid of this".

Plenty of other thoughtless comments from "friends" and teachers at school but the two examples above hurt the most.

Grabbed hold of my belly

'Nice bum, shame about the face' said about me (in earshot) by a boy at school when I was about 14.