Anyone join me in being really angry theyre a single parent?

[coodawoodashooda]

Today I have been in such a bad mood and that's why. I can't shake it off. Bastard and his meagre child maintenance that wouldn't even buy a bloody pair of shoes. All the friendships that I have lost. I am so lonely, fed up, skint and angry. Anyone else?

I do get angry about being a single parent sometimes when people trot out uninformed dross like “women have to take responsibility”.

First of all, what the fuck do you think we’re all doing? Taking care of our kids. Taking responsibility where our exes so often don’t.
Second, the “bad boy” shit is a complete myth. I was with my partner for 11 years. Our child was planned and we were in a good place. People change. Having children changes people. So my crystal ball must have been malfunctioning for not being able to predict being cheated on.

If you take one look at single mums and think it’s automatically something they signed up for, then you’re part of the problem.
Single mums have got enough on their plates without people with no clue looking down their noses at us.

I am surprised people are posting that they had wonderful relationships before kids with no red flags, living with generous loving men who when the baby arrived fucked off and then lied so they didn’t have to pay. This will happen but there is no doubt many of them were cunts before hand.

I don't think it's being angry cause we wish we were still with them... I imagine most of us are happier without the useless men! I certainly am! I am angry that he lets his children down constantly, they deserve better and in turn that makes my world harder! Not getting time off to forge my own relationships etc and having to pick up all the slack!

I still would choose to be single doesn't mean I can't be angry about the situation!

@Bluntness100

The problem with “red flags” is that so many of them are obvious in hindsight.
At the time they’re often little issues you view as common couples disagreements.

But suddenly when you’re a single mum people are coming out of the woodwork to tell you that you should have known that [small issue] would lead to [relationship ending bollocks] so really it’s your fault and you CHOSE to breed with an idiot.

I’ll be the first to say I was too trusting, but I did have a good relationship with my ex, right up until I didn’t. That’s quite often how it works.

Women aren’t running to men who have neon signs above their heads that say “irresponsible dickhead”, and it’s insulting to act like we are.

@Joined4this

I think the current culture of Tinder/fast sex/no responsibilities has alot to with this. Our grandparents were told that hard work/morality/duty were honourable and worthwhile. This generation is shown fast money/fast sex is the way to go. Of course this translates into bad family relationships- if you were brought up to believe your own needs always come first, why would you suddenly change?

Judgemental much?

I am in my 40s I met my ex at a shop, he worked there, if you actually do the research you would know

"There are around 1.8 million single parents – they make up nearly a quarter of families with dependent children.

Less than one per cent of single parents are teenagers.

Around 90 per cent of single parents are women.

The average age of a single parent is 39 years"

I love being a single parent after being in a toxic abusive relationship with an arse who did literally nothing but add lots of extra work, stress and unhappiness to my already full load and made it as hard as he could for me to leave him and I eventually had to flee when we found out he had covered up abuse on our daughter.
Compared to what we have lived with for the past few years I LOVE being a single mum but when asked I don't mention why I just say its easier and it is but it's still so hard and the fact that he is what they have as a father really upsets me and makes me feel guilty for landing them with that but he was a bit useless but not abusive until I was pregnant with our second I don't know why he suddenly ramped it up then, maybe he thought he finally had me stuck?
He has next to nothing to do with them now but I guess I'm lucky he is finally paying maintenance. They are still little and love him unconditionally though which is tough.

I hear what you are saying about feckless people- but I was basing it on statistics and my experience of dating- men have so many options now that they are far less likely to settle and far more likely to play the field. As a pp said, we have to vote for change and make our voices heard. I am delighted to see more women in government but we need to ensure they keep fighting for our rights.eg The education tsar who said that we need to educate our kids because school isn’t enough- who is going to do that extra work do you think? Women. An extra financial and time burden on us. I am not pleased that after working 48+ hour job in spite of two degrees I now have to cook, clean, shop, do admin and now teach. Ffs

@Bluntness100

I am surprised people are posting that they had wonderful relationships before kids with no red flags, living with generous loving men who when the baby arrived fucked off and then lied so they didn’t have to pay. This will happen but there is no doubt many of them were cunts before hand.

You would be surprised, go read some psychology books some people who had traumatic childhoods cant handle the dynamics and the mummy/daddy reminder once they are in it.

also many men can not square the lover/mother triangle, their attitude towards the family they thought they wanted changes when faced with being parents and the cognitive dissonance they have between the societal image of a desirable woman and the image and stereotype of a mother. the "catch" suddenly becomes the "ball and chain" in their minds.

plus some men are just selfish arses who cant stand not being the centre of attention, and society perpetuates that sense of entitlement, they go from the son who's mother does everything for them, to the lover who's partner does everything for them, to the parent expected to pull their weight, or at least do things for themselves so the other parent can look after the children and no longer them, as the childrens needs come first, and alot of men dont like that change of dynamics so sod off blaming the woman and sometimes the child for not centering him anymore.

Women aren’t running to men who have neon signs above their heads that say “irresponsible dickhead”, and it’s insulting to act like we are.

I have no doubt in your case that wasn’t the case and also for many others, but sone women do. There is threads abound on here about it, where the men have been shits from the beginning and the women still have babies with them. Cheating, abusive, tight, all from the start, we should not pretend this isn’t true. It is. It happens. Too much.

I am delighted to see more women in government but we need to ensure they keep fighting for our rights

How many of these women in government are single parents, working p/t minimum wage and only surviving due to benefit top ups because the children's father isn't paying maintenance?

Very few. Most of those women in government are high fliers and are more interested in issues such as equal pay for equal work (issues that affect them).

As long as women fall into the trap of having children, before they have secured careers and are capable of being financially independent, with men who may leave, then nothing will change. This is because women working in minimum wage jobs have no way of changing anything, if they just carry on doing what they've always done. The only way anything will change is if you take action yourselves, others aren't going to do it for you.

@Bluntness100

I am surprised people are posting that they had wonderful relationships before kids with no red flags, living with generous loving men who when the baby arrived fucked off and then lied so they didn’t have to pay. This will happen but there is no doubt many of them were cunts before hand.

You sound a bit clueless tbh. If you can’t see how the hand grenade that is a baby might trigger selfish, thoughtless behaviour that had hither to had no reason to be displayed, I’m not really sure what to say to you.

I suspect though that what you’re actually doing is having a veiled “you must have known/couldn’t happen to me/why did you have kids with him then?” little dig aren’t you?

Many of us have come on here because we wanted to share our experiences and by sharing it makes us feel less alone. It can be very very lonely at times

We really don’t need the analysis from anyone who has no idea of our past. Single mums get enough blame in society we really don’t need anymore please just stop it’s not needed or wanted

Fangirl- I hear you but as you see from this thread- many women DID have careers before kids that they were forced out of due to taking the slack when the men didn’t. We need women in Parliament that understand the struggles that women go through and will advocate for them. We all have different lived experience and should stand together despite these. Some women do have kids young- statistically not that many these days. Some women don’t have great jobs- but the days of “girls having kids to get a council house” (which imo never existed or was very few women) are long gone. Women are being encouraged into the workplace, encouraged to study and to take leadership roles. However, all this positive action fails when it comes to single mums because they have to do school pick ups, dentist, doctor, optician, days out sick etc and this forces them into low-paid, part-time employment. There is no punishment for the man for abandoning his kids. Statistically it is white, working class boys who are doing worst at the moment.

oh the people going on about choosing feckless fathers and the tinder generation being responsible can just fuck right off.

OP, I'm not angry about being a single parent. I like it. I'm happy. I'm angry at my ex H for being a crap father. I feel cross and upset on behalf of my children that they're saddled with him. I feel angry that he thinks he can just pay me off and have no responsibility at all (and I recognise I'm fortunate that he does pay me off) .

I think everyone is right to be absolutely livid at how single parents are treated by policy makers in this country. That single parents' children are twice as likely to be in poverty as a couple parents. That we are much more likely to be living on meagre Universal credit, to be in crap housing, to be in crap jobs, to be using foodbanks. It's irrelevant that the father should step up because the mum and kids suffer. Even if the father does step up, 2 incomes are now supporting 2 houses, not one. The system fails single parents, and it fails our children.

@Bluntness100

I am surprised people are posting that they had wonderful relationships before kids with no red flags, living with generous loving men who when the baby arrived fucked off and then lied so they didn’t have to pay. This will happen but there is no doubt many of them were cunts before hand.

Yeah it does happen, more than you might think. I was very careful. With my husband for many years before we moved in together. Lived together for 5 years before we married, kids two years after that. He was such a kind, thoughtful man, did more than me around the house as I have a long-term illness. This was a man who would cook me lovely meals or buy me flowers when he could see I was ill but struggling on at work. Who used to book surprise weekends away to cheer me up; years into our relationship so not "love bombing".

He was the one pushing for children. I wanted them but was scared of not being a good enough parent - the irony!

He left when they were both babies, out of the blue. Turned out he'd had some kind of mental breakdown and quit his job without telling me and had an affair.

I bent over backwards nonetheless to put my feelings aside so he could have a good relationship with the children. Facilitated that, let him see them in my house (was still breastfeeding them as they were so tiny at the time). I even helped him out with money to buy a car as I wanted him to be able to see them.

He then did something so terrible that he's now not allowed to see them at all so I am a lone parent. I am utterly exhausted and worry about the impact on my children's mental health as they grow up with an absent father (they are 4 and 5 now). Because of their ages I can't even explain to them why they can't see him anymore.

The financial cost is huge because I have had to hire more childcare. The worry of being the sole provider. And then because I'm exhausted and in pain I am sometimes snappy with the children and I know that's unfair. I feel so guilty that their lives are so different to how they would have been if he'd not done this. I get no Government help whatsoever, and have to pay far more tax than a couple with the same household income who have two people to share childcare.

I do worry what will happen if my health gives out completely before I've finished raising them. I want them to stay in this stable home and with their friends, they need stability now.

Yes I am glad he's out of my life and for my financial independence and I would never live with a man again or tangle up finances. But yes it is incredibly hard and I think it's victim blaming to say that women should have been able to tell that a man would do this to them.

have to pay far more tax than a couple with the same household income who have two people to share childcare

This isn't fair, income tax should be per household, rather than per person.

It's like only getting a 25% council tax discount for being a single adult household, why isn't it 50%?

I'm a widow. My DH died when my boys were still at primary school. I always dreaded being a single parent and only decided to have DC when it became very obvious DH would never let me down. But neither of us accounted for cancer.

I have hated being a single parent as much as I thought I would. The school involved social services over the very normal reactions of my grieving boys. So few kids have a parent die, and DH was ill at home for a year before he finally died. I was let down by everyone you might expect to support bereaved kids.

But the boys arr adult now and DB says he wishes he was as close to his kids as i am to mine. It's been the three of us against the world and we're very close.

@FanGirlX

have to pay far more tax than a couple with the same household income who have two people to share childcare

This isn't fair, income tax should be per household, rather than per person.

It's like only getting a 25% council tax discount for being a single adult household, why isn't it 50%?

Exactly. A couple both earning £90k each can get tax free childcare, 30 hours funding. A single parent on £100k gets nothing.

A couple each earning £49k get child benefit. Single parent on £60k gets nothing.

And a couple get £24k tax free allowance, a single parent gets £12k then is taxed at 20%.

If there was one thing the Government could do to help all single parents (almost all women!) it would be to put a single parent exemption into the tax code to double the tax-free allowance threshold, tax and NI thresholds, thresholds for childcare support etc, to recognise that they are trying to do the jobs of two people.

@PrawnofthePatriarchy

I'm a widow. My DH died when my boys were still at primary school. I always dreaded being a single parent and only decided to have DC when it became very obvious DH would never let me down. But neither of us accounted for cancer.

I have hated being a single parent as much as I thought I would. The school involved social services over the very normal reactions of my grieving boys. So few kids have a parent die, and DH was ill at home for a year before he finally died. I was let down by everyone you might expect to support bereaved kids.

But the boys arr adult now and DB says he wishes he was as close to his kids as i am to mine. It's been the three of us against the world and we're very close.

That's so sad, it must have been incredibly hard for you to carry on when grieving. It's lovely to hear how close your boys are to you now.

That was kind of the purpose of tax credits and universal credit so just turn the whole thing into a complete shit show.

We need women in Parliament that understand the struggles that women go through and will advocate for them. We all have different lived experience and should stand together despite these.

I agree with you but venting on mumsnet isn't going to change anything is it?

Single mothers have always been seen as the bottom of the pile. This hasn't changed, despite more equality for women in general. It's because low earning women, topped up with benefits (in some cases not well educated) don't matter to society, so don't have a voice. It's going to take a societal change in the way these women are viewed before anything changes because giving more help to "benefit scroungers" isn't a vote winner.

@Jessie75

That was kind of the purpose of tax credits and universal credit so just turn the whole thing into a complete shit show.

What do you mean?

@FanGirlX

We need women in Parliament that understand the struggles that women go through and will advocate for them. We all have different lived experience and should stand together despite these.

I agree with you but venting on mumsnet isn't going to change anything is it?

Single mothers have always been seen as the bottom of the pile. This hasn't changed, despite more equality for women in general. It's because low earning women, topped up with benefits (in some cases not well educated) don't matter to society, so don't have a voice. It's going to take a societal change in the way these women are viewed before anything changes because giving more help to "benefit scroungers" isn't a vote winner.

I get what you mean. But surely what I suggested regarding doubling thresholds for paid employment would fit with the whole "make work pay" and "equality" agendas that are being pushed by current politicians. I've never seen it even discussed as an option yet it would have a huge impact on child poverty.

@Bluntness100

You’re right that some women do ignore clear warning signs, though I don’t know what you mean by too much- surely any amount is too much, and I don’t think they’re a majority or even a large minority of single mums.
I think those are the stories that everyone latches on to because they’re full of drama, like how everyone focuses on the people who take the piss on benefits despite them being a tiny minority- there always getting media attention.

And if some portion of women ARE being taken in by vile men who are vile from the start, that’s just sad. It doesn’t mean we should finger-wag after the fact, as that helps absolutely no one.

Bottom line, if someone’s first reaction to discussions about single mums is asking about if it was their fault, I find that uncharitable to say the least.

@Bluntness100

Women aren’t running to men who have neon signs above their heads that say “irresponsible dickhead”, and it’s insulting to act like we are.

I have no doubt in your case that wasn’t the case and also for many others, but sone women do. There is threads abound on here about it, where the men have been shits from the beginning and the women still have babies with them. Cheating, abusive, tight, all from the start, we should not pretend this isn’t true. It is. It happens. Too much.

I am sure some do.

But what's frustrating is the assumption it must be that way.