I absolutely hate weekends.

[Whyamipayingfornetflix]

Does anyone else? I’m guessing probably not!
Not getting on well with dp, want to possibly leave but it’s very complicated and won’t be easy at all.
During the week it’s just Dd and I and I’m fairly happy, only have to be around Dp for around an hour until Dd goes to bed etc (we alternate each night who goes with her)
But when weekends come around the tension comes back and I start to feel down again and not myself.
Does anyone else have it? Feel like I’m
just trying to get through the days and realise this isn’t healthy or normal and just very sad.
He’s taken her to the playground for a few hours, had to pick something up this morning…so hopefully there isn’t too much time together when they’re back and it’s DD’s bedtime.
Tomorrow I plan to take her on a play date with friends and do the weekly shop (would normally do on a weekday) then will take her somewhere else to stretch the day out.
Does anyone else live like this?
Feel so low and so sad for Dd

I hate when people on here say just leave. It's not as easy as that

You need to seek legal advice. My DD was born in the UK and DH is British, I'm an EU national. We went through a very rough patch last year and I had a phone consultation with a family solicitor. I was told that there was a very good chance a UK family court would allow me to take DD to my home country with me if DH and I separated. I would basically have to prove that I had a solid plan about arranging housing, childcare, education and finance etc. I have no family in the UK but I have a very supportive and close-knit family abroad, so a court would look at this very favourably. Also I was, and still am DD's primary carer because DH works very long hours. Fortunately DH and I managed to sort things out and we're very happily married and get on very well, but it's definitely worth it looking into this with a legal professional.

Could you live with family in the UK until you can rent/buy somewhere on your own?

Could you get a job in the UK quite easily?

How would you enable ex DP to maintain contact with DD?

Don't give up, there's always a way go.

@ijustdontknowabout Similar resentments have built up since she was born, especially when she was tiny, she had bad colic and I felt very alone in doing all night wakings etc, I was exhausted and still feel he let me down.
Things are just so different since Dd was born, which is such a shame as she’s all we ever wanted and she’s just incredible, it’s sad.

@WhatToDo1988 No, not passive, it just really isn’t an easy situation at all. I don’t need to study further for qualifications, I’m well qualified, but even higher paying jobs are low paid where I am, and there aren’t many of them around at all. It’s totally different to the U.K. where I could walk into a job, I’ve applied for many and been invited to interviews and many have been v keen, which reassures me at least that I’d be ok back home.

@Googleboxfan So sorry you’re going through similar, does your Dh feel the same? What do you think went wrong? Does he notice the avoidance and try to confront/change things?

@TeenyQueen That sounds reassuring, thank you 🙏 I feel very panicky about it all. I need to check thoroughly with a lawyer though I know, to be sure.
I could stay with my family easily and could have a good job to go to. I’m also the main carer for Dd

But you can't go home to the UK so why are you applying for jobs in the UK? You have a child in that country. Legally you can't leave unless you leave your child behind. And even if you could, why would you take your daughter so far away from her father? That's not ok.

So jobs are low paid where you are. That means you are staying with your DH for the money. You would rather be in a miserable relationship than be poor. Admit that to yourself and try and work on your relationship then. Otherwise you are just kidding yourself, daydreaming about something that won't happen while your life and weekends are wasting away. You need to start making some choices.

Legally you can't leave unless you leave your child behind.

They’re not married and it’s by no means clear if that is the case.

@WhatToDo1988 I apply out of interest and to give myself hope and to secure myself with the fact that I might still be credible in the work force

I’m not staying with Dp for the money, we don’t have that much money! Just enough for us both to live ok. I wouldn’t be able to survive easily at all on my own and would have no family support at all, can you see that’s a frightening prospect?

I'm in this situation OP. It's been years. YEARS. He was supposed to move out and didn't and I can't - there is a 10-yr waiting list for social housing here and until I'm fluent in the language I have no chance of getting a job that can pay enough for private rent (2 kids too). Can't leave the country with the kids without his permission.

It's horrific.

Weekends are awful, school holidays are a nightmare..or so I thought, until I just spent 10-days locked in quarantine with him. That was a nightmare.

People who live in their home country simply don't understand. I try to remind myself that when they say things like "Just get a job and leave him" they're not trying to be insensitive, they simply don't understand the reality - and lucky them.

I have also been accused of being passive. But it's not passive when you're struggling every day. It's that you're exhausted. And if you're not fluent in the language - and I mean at least C1 level - then even things like applying for benefits, if you're entitled to them, is virtually impossible. The rules about renting places can be different. The rules about taking kids out of school during term time, the way the health system works, even the ability to retain your driving license is all different and crucially to understand how these things properly apply to you, you need more than holiday-level language.

As my H has refused to engage with the fact I want a divorce and I cannot get a place to live (I can't claim to be homeless as the house is in both our names) he can do what he wants, so hasn't left. Brexit caused me massive problems, to the point where I had to accept him staying because I wasn't certain I'd be able to stay in the country - but my kids would be staying here!!! Brexit has honestly been horrific for me. Then when it was decided Brits could get a particular visa, I got it. I then got a lawyer and tried mediation but he just wasted the time - stringing everything out and doing nothing he said he would. I ended up having burnout, unable to walk.

I'm finally able to file for divorce this year (as in I have a bit more strength) and have a SHL who seems to have him sussed. No mediation. It's going to be another nightmare, I know it js, but my mental health has been so destroyed by this situation that if I don't battle on, I'll have no chance of a life again. I've been truly broken by this and it's already difficult to imagine how I can ever be happy again, but there's no chance if I don't get out.

PS I know that this isn't ideal for my kids as an example of a relationship. It utterly breaks my heart - I desperately wanted to give my kids a different childhood to my own. It is different, but I planned on it being much better, hence why I married this man. But when you can't move out and he refuses to, what options are there? I've told the kids that mummy and daddy aren't in love, but we're friends (was true at the time I said it, less so now). We sleep in separate rooms. But sometimes the only thing we can do is make the best of a bad situation. It's not because we are unaware our kids are being damaged, it's because it's the least damaging option available.

And that is a horrible position to be in.

Sorry if I’ve missed it: is your DH British too or is he native to the country you are living in?

I don’t have much advice; you are in a really difficult situation. I live in Europe and have a significant number of expat friends who have ended their marriages in the last few years. Many of the women have the issue that you identify - they cannot imagine being able to survive alive financially alone in the country where we are, but their partner will not consent to them leaving and taking their children to the U.K. where they would have family support and more work opportunities. It’s a risk of living overseas that I don’t think it’s acknowledged enough.

What’s your situation? How long have you been there? Are you fluent in the local language? Have you / are you working there? What’s your husbands job situation?

What about marriage counselling? Or just counselling for you? You sound really downbeat and depressed tbh. It’s no way to live.

Also, have you investigated what benefits you be eligible for where you are, if you were to split?

Do you have any friends who’ve done this? I know that the divorcing / newly single mums in my expat entourage help each other out with advice and practical experience .

Why are you in the country you are in? Is your partner from that country or British? Are you there for work?

I think your best option is to all move back to the UK. Would he consider it? Are you supposed to be there for a specific period of time/contract?

Have you ever suggested moving back? Obviously you don’t say you want to move back because you want to split but you might have to play a long game and maybe suggest you want to get back into the workplace which you can’t do where you are. You should be thinking of your future finances and pension anyway. You are in a precarious position financially living overseas and not being married.

@Gingembre Yes, that’s 100% the situation I’m in too (not that he won’t leave) but being unable to find a high enough paying job etc etc, it’s exactly how it it. So sorry you’re facing the same thing, it’s nothing like being in your home country with family and financial support around

@workwoes123 He’s British too, which does make it easier in lots of respects, I would hope if we wanted to return, he’d want to follow anyway. It would make more sense than staying here away from all family. He does prefer it here though

@Peridot1 We’ve travelled most of the world and basically settled here when we were younger as it’s so beautiful and such a lovely lifestyle

I’ve mentioned it before, but he’s quite happy to stay and would prefer it. I like it here, it’s just the insecurity of things for me which makes it hard to want to stay now

@Peridot1 I’m not sure if being married would help in this situation? Or hinder?

I would *Hope that if anything bad happened between us and I was struggling and couldn’t support Dd easily or make a decent life, he wouldn’t want me to suffer and would give permission to return to the U.K. and him to come too (even if we lived separately) but you just never know how someone may react in a situation.
I know his family would be against him trying to stop me and would want Dd near them also

If you’re both British why can’t you have the case heard in the U.K.?

Even if you had the case heard in the European country and their courts made the decision - the judgement would be made on what’s the best interest of the child.

If you cannot get work where you are, that’s a strong argument for relocation.

Have you actually spoken to him about returning home, OP? It sounds like you may be able to resolve the situation fairly easily like that?

I’m not sure either as to your current situation that marriage will help,or hinder.

But certainly for the future you are legally more protected married. I’ve read so many cases on here of women completely screwed over financially by having children with partners and the relationship breaks down and he just gets to walk away.

Also you do need to think about your financial future. Pension etc.

You may hope he would be fair but you can’t guarantee it. And even if his family may prefer your dd to be near them they can’t force it. He has the control.

Me! Hate them for the same reason. Trying to separate via nesting (so the kids stay in their home), but he is sticking his head in the sand. In the meantime, we spend as much time apart as poss

I'm an expat myself and have had several good friends who had to leave their marriages while living abroad, so I do understand it's not easy.

But it IS possible. It sounds like you speak the local language and CAN get a job, just not a high paid one. So your situation is not impossible.

Have you looked into what benefits you would get as a single parent on a low income? They are usually decent in most of Europe.

You say your partner wouldn't want you both to suffer, so would likely pay decent maintenance.

At your daughter's age you only need to rent a one bedroom.

There is no way you can keep this relationship dragging on like this for the next 15 years. It is inevitable that you will split up one day. Better to do it now while she is still young and will be less affected, and while you are still qualified and can get a job.

Does he know how unhappy you are?

I'd focus on postive things you can do.

Intensive language course perhaps?

Or looking for a job as an english speaking nanny/childminder but accepting reduced rate as you will have dd too.

Could you teach english as a foreign language? Friend did this who had very few qualifications.