Page 3 | I absolutely hate weekends.

Whyamipayingfornetflix · 2022-01-08T14:55:37+00:00

Does anyone else? I’m guessing probably not! Not getting on well with dp, want to possibly leave but it’s very complicated and won’t be easy at all. During the week it’s just Dd and I and I’m fairly happy, only have to be around Dp for around an hour until Dd goes to bed etc (we alternate each night who goes with her) But when weekends come around the tension comes back and I start to feel down again and not myself. Does anyone else have it? Feel like I’m just trying to get through the days and realise this isn’t healthy or normal and just very sad. He’s taken her to the playground for a few hours, had to pick something up this morning…so hopefully there isn’t too much time together when they’re back and it’s DD’s bedtime. Tomorrow I plan to take her on a play date with friends and do the weekly shop (would normally do on a weekday) then will take her somewhere else to stretch the day out. Does anyone else live like this? Feel so low and so sad for Dd

Peridot1 · 08/01/2022 16:42

I think work towards you all coming back. Then you can separate properly. And you can support yourself.

Dixiechickonhols · 08/01/2022 16:42

You need some specialist legal advice OP for country you are in and his rights re child as you are unmarried. Where was child born and is he on birth certificate?
You could tutor from anywhere for example - depending what your subject is it can pay well.

BoredZelda · 08/01/2022 16:43

We’re not in the U.K., it’s hard to find work here, definitely too hard to find work where I could live on my own with her.

Live with it then. 🤷‍♀️ If there really is no other option, you just have to get on with it.

SuPerDoPer · 08/01/2022 16:45

@Whyamipayingfornetflix

Does anyone else spend their life/spent their life avoiding?

I had a couple of years where this was my life. Now happily single and split weekend with my ex. Either I'm parenting my way and it's a bit chaotic but fun or the kids are with their dad and I'm pottering about doing housework, watching TV and catching up with friends. My kids are two of the happiest, most well adjusted kids I know. You can do it too.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 08/01/2022 17:09

@Whyamipayingfornetflix

My qualifications and experience are in education, teaching, anything childcare based

Could you maybe do some online tutoring? If you're fluent in your adopted country's language perhaps language tutoring, or even EFL tutoring?

Original poster

Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 17:16

@SuPerDoPer Are you much happier now? How often does he have the kids? The thought of being separated from Dd half the week is hard

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Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 17:17

@Dixiechickonhols She was born here, he’s on the birth certificate

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actionstationsplease · 08/01/2022 17:19

I used to do exactly the same thing. I stayed (hid) in my daughter's bedroom until ExH had gone off to his night shift. Loved the fact he slept most of the day and I could avoid him that way too. I was utterly miserable and it was awful for a while. Finally found the courage to tell him to leave (he was emotionally and financially abusive too). It was the beginning of the end and I've been so much happier since. Life is too short to be stuck in a house with someone you can't bear to be around.

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Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 17:20

@Carrotca So sorry you’re going through similar, it’s no way to live is it. Do you think you’ll leave? Do you mostly avoid?

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Chunkymenrock · 08/01/2022 17:26

This is me and has been for the last few years. I plan as much as possible so I am away from H at weekends as I can't bear the tension. It's awful OP. I can't do it for much longer.

vixeyann · 08/01/2022 17:31

The weekend is not the issue here. I look forward to spending time at the weekend with my husband and son and it sounds very miserable for you at the moment. You need to make a change xx

fellowtravelling · 08/01/2022 17:35

My situation is very similar OP. I understand. I go to bed at the same time as my kids. H doesn't get home till quite late so don't see much of him in the week. That helps.

I can't really leave, at least not for a long time. I'm trying to work up to being more financially secure so I can leave but that's a long way off.

Been in this situation for a few years now so I have had to adapt to cope.

Here's what I do. Build up a life completely separate from H. I have my own hobbies and activities. Some of these are my hobbies alone, others I do with the kids. I have my own group of friends. I've encouraged H to take up a hobby, makes him happier and gets him out of the house. Weekends, are a mix of H taking kids to their hobbies, me doing my own thing, me doing my joint hobbies with kids (with my friends with kids), or me going out with the kids. Occasionally I do something with H with the kids as they like it.

Find something physically active you enjoy and do it regularly.
Been fit in your body really does help you feel good about yourself and the endorphin release helps with your mood.

Keep on moving forward with your own development, workwise, socially, psychologically, physically - keep having good goals and moving forward with your life. Don't stagnate in depression.

Every weekend we have a family video night. This is a way for us to spend time as a family but its easy as we don't have to talk. In fact, other than Christmas day most family meals (which are only at the weekend) are had watching a film/ tv. Its easier that way.

I have also found 'safe' topics that me and H agree on and can chat about so we can still talk amiably.

You have to give up on your H changing and find ways to just let go of all that and not be triggered by what he says or does. This is the hardest part.

Its hard OP. But if you stay you have no choice but to build up your own life to stave of being completely destroyed by the way you live. Its not easy, it is a slow psychological destruction. You really need to harden yourself, build a separate life and try to concentrate on building on what you are gaining from the situation. As well as keeping an eye on working to be able to leave at some point.

CheesyWeez · 08/01/2022 19:50

I was listening to a programme on radio4 last week about The Hague convention and how children are judged to be happy in the country they are used to, and have lived in for the last 2 years, rather than the country that one parent wants to live in.

Yes I'm afraid you would need his permission to take your daughter out of the country. Is DP the same nationality as you? Could you return to your country (all of you?)
If you talk and explain how you will be much happier in your own country - able to get a job, see family, etc, surely he will see that it will be good for the family for you to be happier?

I had my children abroad with no thought about possible relationship breakdown and I'm very lucky that my marriage stayed strong. I feel so much for my friends who had to stay in their DP's country in order to see their kids. You could move back as you said in a previous post and the child's country would become your home country, leaving you with more choices.
Good luck OP with what you decide to do.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000p1vr

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Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 20:45

@CheesyWeez What about if the mother wasn’t able to make a secure living and all other wider family were in the U.K., would they not rather place the child with the mother?

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Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 20:47

@fellowtravelling So sorry you’re in a similar situation, I do a lot of what you’ve said above, have a group of mum friends and things to do, I just feel sad that it’s getting more and more difficult to do ‘Family things’ together
Does your Dh realise? Does he feel the same?
Sorry to be personal, but do you still sleep in the same bed/have a relationship?
Do you think the kids sense things? This is my greatest fear as Dd grows up, how can I fake it for that long

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Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 20:48

@Chunkymenrock So sorry, it’s so hard isn’t it. Does your Dh realise? Do you think you’ll end things?

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RedCandyApple · 08/01/2022 20:50

This is not hating weekends!

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Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 20:52

@RedCandyApple ? It is hating weekends…for me, and the reason why I do.

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AryaStarkWolf · 08/01/2022 20:53

What a terrible way to live, you need to either try and work on your marriage or leave

RedCandyApple · 08/01/2022 20:53

It’s your partner that’s the problem though not you having weekends as many have already said.

RedCandyApple · 08/01/2022 20:53

Hating*

Tal45 · 08/01/2022 20:55

I can't quite work out OP, is your OH horrible or do you just see things differently and struggle with communication and how to work things out between you? How does your OH feel about the relationship? Have you asked him?

BBCONEANDTWO · 08/01/2022 21:05

@fellowtravelling