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AIBU?

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Original poster

I absolutely hate weekends.

145 replies

Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 14:55

Does anyone else? I’m guessing probably not!
Not getting on well with dp, want to possibly leave but it’s very complicated and won’t be easy at all.
During the week it’s just Dd and I and I’m fairly happy, only have to be around Dp for around an hour until Dd goes to bed etc (we alternate each night who goes with her)
But when weekends come around the tension comes back and I start to feel down again and not myself.
Does anyone else have it? Feel like I’m
just trying to get through the days and realise this isn’t healthy or normal and just very sad.
He’s taken her to the playground for a few hours, had to pick something up this morning…so hopefully there isn’t too much time together when they’re back and it’s DD’s bedtime.
Tomorrow I plan to take her on a play date with friends and do the weekly shop (would normally do on a weekday) then will take her somewhere else to stretch the day out.
Does anyone else live like this?
Feel so low and so sad for Dd

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 08/01/2022 21:16

And like SuPerDoPer I get every other weekend and have completed a Masters degree since he left. There's no bad feeling or shouting in our house now and it's heaven (if a little lonely at times) x

Original poster
Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 21:23

@Royalbloo That’s great 💜
Were you not lonely with him though? I think you can be lonelier in the wrong situation on a way

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 21:24

@Royalbloo Do you mean the kids are with you all week always and then alternate weekends?
Did you decide this between you or do things generally go to court? I know that this set up wouldn’t be enough for Dp for example, he’d want more

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 21:26

@Royalbloo And sorry to be nosey, congrats on the masters! Can I ask how you could afford it if on your own, I can’t now we’re together. Are courses free etc?

OP posts:
Lolabray · 08/01/2022 21:28

Been there done that my advice is to fill up your weekend and a make it happy for you.instead of your worrying enjoy the peace x

Lolabray · 08/01/2022 21:29

@ Whyamipayingfornetflix

@Royalbloo And sorry to be nosey, congrats on the masters! Can I ask how you could afford it if on your own, I can’t now we’re together. Are courses free etc?

That is nosey your right and non of your business how the person is funding their masters really!? Rude

Lolabray · 08/01/2022 21:31

@ Royalbloo well done on your masters and you should be proud of yourself. Onwards and upwards x

jeaux90 · 08/01/2022 21:31

I was an expat living in The Gulf. I hated weekends around my abusive ex so I moved out, I was lucky to get a job, I hated living out there though.

The next bit was really hard, I wanted to move back to the uk and it was a massive negotiation to make that happen.

It's a long game. You are going to have to sort this out one way or another though if you are that miserable.

Original poster
Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 21:35

@Lolabray ? Ffs, I’m asking in terms of the U.K. and if those things are possible-funding wise, for improvement for my own future. I didn’t mean it to be rude to her

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 21:38

@jeaux90 Did you end up being able to? There’s no way he’d let me go with her and he stays, he wouldn’t want to be away from her like that

OP posts:
batmanladybird · 08/01/2022 21:40

How old is your dd?

Original poster
Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 21:48

@batmanladybird 3

OP posts:
ZipZapPow · 08/01/2022 22:26

Why is there tension?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2022 22:26

[quote Whyamipayingfornetflix]@CheesyWeez What about if the mother wasn’t able to make a secure living and all other wider family were in the U.K., would they not rather place the child with the mother?[/quote]
I'm not the poster you directed this too and I'm not in So Europe, but where I live the answer to that is no, not if it involves the child being take out of the Country. If the mother wanted to leave she'd be free to go, but the child would remain here with the father (assuming of course that the father is willing and able to have full custody).

You really, really need to see a solicitor as I and other PPs have advised. Only a solicitor can give you a definitive answer to that question.

Original poster
Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 22:31

@ZipZapPow I’m not sure, we just don’t seem to be able to be comfortable around one another most of the time or we argue etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 22:32

@AcrossthePond55 That’s really worrying, even in terms of if he were to leave even if we were blissfully happy. I’d be stuck in another country? She was born here but British birth certificate

OP posts:
SuPerDoPer · 08/01/2022 22:35

[quote Whyamipayingfornetflix]@SuPerDoPer Are you much happier now? How often does he have the kids? The thought of being separated from Dd half the week is hard[/quote]
I'm a hundred times happier now. They way I view it is that my DC are not a part of me and they don't belong to me. I am entrusted to bring them up, raise them and care for them the best way that I possibly can and that doesn't mean clinging to them 24/7. It means they have healthy relationships with a range of other people including their father, their extended families on both sides (and now they have a step-mum and half siblings), plus friends, teachers etc. I use the time that they aren't with me to work, to recharge my batteries, to get stuff done. I don't really miss them because I know they are being cared for and loved and that I'm a better parent when I get time to myself.

Original poster
Whyamipayingfornetflix · 08/01/2022 22:38

@SuPerDoPer My Dd is still only 3 though, seems so young for me to be separated from her

OP posts:
ijustdontknowabout · 08/01/2022 22:42

I have a similar feeling about weekends, because My DH is unhelpful at the weekends, he never gets up or pitches in or plays with the kids. He won't think to do homework or housework and I feel like I'm stuck in the 1950's. He complains I'm not fun. He sits in the other room from us and I'm lonely. There is tension and a lot of resentment about the work load of the kids.

ijustdontknowabout · 08/01/2022 22:43

@Whyamipayingfornetflix why has the resentment set in for you ?

SuPerDoPer · 08/01/2022 22:46

My youngest DS was 1 when we separated. He can't remember a time when he didn't have 2 houses and he has no memory of the split. It is important to me that they see us both so we have bought houses about 15 mins from each other which means the DC get to come and go pretty fluidly. When DD was sick last week my ex came and collected DS and took him to school. I often pop over and watch DS play football on days when he's not with me. Its best if you can remain civil with your partner and come to an agreement that suits everyone. I appreciate living abroad makes that tricky. Plus I kept my career going which means I have a decent independent income, which helps.

ZipZapPow · 08/01/2022 22:47

Are there any benefits to you from the relationship?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2022 22:54

[quote Whyamipayingfornetflix]@AcrossthePond55 That’s really worrying, even in terms of if he were to leave even if we were blissfully happy. I’d be stuck in another country? She was born here but British birth certificate[/quote]
Yes, even if he were to leave the 'family home' you still would not be allowed to just take the child and leave the country. You could conceivably get the child out of the country, sure, but you could be dragged into court and ordered to bring her back and the UK would enforce the court order under the Hague Convention. You could also be prosecuted for kidnapping and chances are you'd lose custody of the child.

But reverse the situation. Remember that in Hague Convention countries (and that's most countries) you are 'equal parents' in the eyes of the law. Would you find it acceptable if he were to leave the family home tomorrow and take the child with him to a new home 500 miles away? What if you were in the UK and he was the SAHP and was as unhappy as you are. What if he wanted move home where he could get a living wage job. Would you find it acceptable for him to just take the child and leave?

You cannot assume that just because you are the mother that you have more 'rights' to the child than the father does. See a solicitor, you really need to educate yourself as to the specific laws where you are living. Don't just wallow in unhappiness. Find out if there is anything you can do about it, and if there is not figure out how you are going to live with it.

There was a poster awhile back whose DH talked her into moving to IIRC New Zealand. She found out to her sorrow that she was pretty much trapped there because her UK-born children had acquired 'habitual residence' in NZ. She was consulting with solicitors, but they were none too sanguine about her hopes. I believe she stopped posting on their advice.

WhatToDo1988 · 08/01/2022 23:07

Don't mean to be harsh, but you sound very passive about your situation and seem to be posting in the hope that your situation is normal. It's not and you need to do something about it. Life is too short to spend it that way. It will also damage your daughter, children pick up on the tension even if you think you're hiding it.

You're in Europe, not the Middle East. You have rights, ability to work, put her in childcare. You can't leave now if you can't afford it and don't have a job but you can put a plan in motion. Decide to start working and what you will do. Start working on your qualifications and go for it. When you have a job, leave your marriage. You might not be able to leave that country but you can choose to make a good life there.

Googleboxfan · 08/01/2022 23:14

Hello OP and sorry you are going through this also. I am in the same situation.
I dread weekends.
We have a dd7 and I try and take her out to groups and see friends on weekends.

The tension is awful sometimes. Some wr argue. We now sleep in seperate beds. Dd7 is with me and partner in dd bed.

I know this is not a healthy way to live but I at the moment I do not have the finances to leave and I am afraid to say it, I am scared to leave. I have codependancy. I am going to seek help with a counsellor to overcome this.

Then work on my career to increase working hours so I can save to help me leave.

I don't want this, I want us to work this out. But there are to many resentments between us.