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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving and adult children

124 replies

JPerrin0506 · 07/01/2022 17:53

I’d really like some thoughts
My husband works away Monday to Friday and we are both lonely during the week
We are thinking of moving so he can come home every night
I have 3 adult boys all from previous marriage
34 son just had baby
32 son lives in Harrogate with wife and children
26 son moved to London
We currently live in Cardiff and thinking Cheltenham would be good area and just over an hour from our new grandson
My children think I’m selfish, eldest son because abandoning new grandson and youngest son who has said well when I visit from London what I’m I supposed to do with no friends in your new location!
I’m so torn I want to spend more time with husband but think children being selfish
Since my divorce 12 years ago I have sacrificed a lot for them
Views would be helpful

OP posts:
KO81 · 07/01/2022 17:57

The only selfish ones are your sons, who have given your well-being no consideration at all. They seem to think you exist for their own convenience and comfort.

pilates · 07/01/2022 17:58

Your children are being selfish. They have their own lives now and shouldn’t begrudge you enjoying yours.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 07/01/2022 17:59

Presuming your eldest is local to you now I can how he could be hurt. But you are moving closer to the other two?

HollowTalk · 07/01/2022 18:00

If your youngest son wants to see his old friends, he'll have to arrange to go to see them. Perhaps he could stay with you one night then go on to see them.

I do understand why the one with the child would be upset - do you help out a lot? Were they relying on you for childcare?

What does the middle child think?

Lacedwithgrace · 07/01/2022 18:01

Your children are far too grown up to be directing how you live. I'd understand if they were early 20s but they're proper grown ups now and need to get over it. Cheltenham is a great choice

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 07/01/2022 18:02

Time to put your wants and needs first. ..
I have adult dc and would be packing up...

Kite22 · 07/01/2022 18:02

Only selfish ones in this scenario are your sons.

Before reading the OP, I was going to assume they were U21 and living at home. They are being ridiculous.

Sparklesocks · 07/01/2022 18:02

They’re being selfish, not you. They’re adults, a lot to parents move when they become empty nesters. It’s just life. They need to grow up and see you as an adult with her own needs, not just catering to theirs. Not like you’re moving to Siberia.

piglet81 · 07/01/2022 18:04

About time they stood on their own two feet.

Covidclaire · 07/01/2022 18:05

Wow your children are selfish OP, I’m sorry to put it so bluntly! I could forgive an 18 year old saying those things but they are fully grown adults with their own families/lives away from your home area.

Please think of yourself and your husband.

xyzandabc · 07/01/2022 18:08

Good lord, adult children who have lives of their own and have moved out of your house have no say at all in where you live. They made their choices, just the same as you can make yours.

When your son's moved to Harrogate and London, did you try to guilt trip them that they were abandoning you by moving away? Did they take you in to consideration at all? Thought not

London son can visit you, he can visit his friends elsewhere. An hour away is hardly the ends of the earth, perfectly doable for day trips or evening or just a couple if hours.

Fwiw, maybe I'm blinkered by my own situation but I live about 10 miles from where I grew up. When I was in my early 20s, my parents sold up and moved 500 miles away. Around the same time, my only sibling moved 5000 miles away. It wouldn't have occurred to me to ask them not to go. Of course our relationships are different than they would have been had we all still lived close by but tbh I don't know any different so don't know what it would have been like, better or worse

stilldumdedumming · 07/01/2022 18:09

My parents moved 4.5 hours away when I was pregnant with my first child. My Dm was a childminder and I was unexpectedly a single parent. It never crossed my mind to protest. I was 26 and had been moved out of home for 9 years. I was thrilled for them.

In the end it worked out great. When we went to my parents we spent longer together and it was special.

FabriqueBelgique · 07/01/2022 18:10

I think some adult children need it to be pointed out that there’s a switch to be made during adulthood where you become more equal as adults - you’ve done your best for them, now they should want the best for you in return. They need to get some perspective, bless em Grin

altiara · 07/01/2022 18:12

Ha! They are being selfish.
Eldest wants an on tap babysitter.
Youngest wants a full board hotel if he decides to visit his friends.

I’d say you can easy go and visit grand baby, an hour away isn’t perfectly reasonable. “Abandoning” - he’s going straight to hardcore manipulation. I’d be quite cross with him.
And for the youngest, tell him if he comes to visit you, then he comes to actually spend time with YOU! Imagine you visiting him in London - are you going to whine about wanting to visit your friends while staying at his place?

It’s not selfish to want to live full time with your DH when adult children have their own homes!

4vrBubbles · 07/01/2022 18:26

The only selfish ones are your sons, it's absolutely ridiculous that they try to dictate how you move forward with your lives. They're only thinking of their own wants and needs.

If not now, when? Are you going to wait until they're in their 40s/50s before you look to make your DH and your lives easier/better? And if so, why?

Live now, you've earned it.

Fireflygal · 07/01/2022 18:29

How long until your husband retires? Just don't rush to an area that might not be suitable longterm...or is this a retirement plan as well?

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 07/01/2022 18:32

Your sons are being selfish idiots.

This is your time now.

Rewis · 07/01/2022 18:41

Your youngest son is selfish for moving to London. Middle one is selfish for moving to Harrogate. Oldest is selfish for having a baby and not giving you 100% of his attention so you won't feel lonely. Makes equally much sense.

Look, change is hard even as an adult and "home" is a constant and its weird when it changes. But you need to put your happiness first. You've done your job.

Sittingonabench · 07/01/2022 18:43

Time for a frank conversation in which you tell them you love them dearly but they need to grow the hell up and take responsibility for their own lives! Absolutely infuriating

ginandgarlands · 07/01/2022 18:45

I’m going against the grain here but I’ve never really forgiven my mum for moving away from my childhood home after my dad died. I was 26 at the time and owned my own home in another city, but it was so traumatising. She moved to be closer to her siblings and I’ve always felt that she chose them instead of me.

We’re OK now but it’s damaged something in our relationship and we recently had a big argument about it which ended with us both in floods of tears. I think it will make me sad forever.

KO81 · 07/01/2022 18:47

@ginandgarlands

I’m going against the grain here but I’ve never really forgiven my mum for moving away from my childhood home after my dad died. I was 26 at the time and owned my own home in another city, but it was so traumatising. She moved to be closer to her siblings and I’ve always felt that she chose them instead of me.

We’re OK now but it’s damaged something in our relationship and we recently had a big argument about it which ended with us both in floods of tears. I think it will make me sad forever.

That’s your issue, not hers. She did nothing wrong. But you maybe not understanding why she might want to leave the family home after her husband died, is very telling.
ginandgarlands · 07/01/2022 18:53

@KO81 Hmm I wasn’t in any way trying to say that I was in the right, just giving my side of the experience to the OP, who asked a question. I’m warning her her sons may always feel like me, whether you think we’re selfish for feeling that way or not. I think it’s useful for her to see the situation from a few years down the line from someone who has been through it, rather than you lot all saying the sons will have to get over it. Just consider they may never do that.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 07/01/2022 18:54

@ginandgarlands

I’m going against the grain here but I’ve never really forgiven my mum for moving away from my childhood home after my dad died. I was 26 at the time and owned my own home in another city, but it was so traumatising. She moved to be closer to her siblings and I’ve always felt that she chose them instead of me.

We’re OK now but it’s damaged something in our relationship and we recently had a big argument about it which ended with us both in floods of tears. I think it will make me sad forever.

So she wasn't allowed to change her life after the death of her partner? And you lived in another city anyway?! Jesus.
CMOTDibbler · 07/01/2022 18:55

You wouldn't exactly be abandoning your new grandson would you? Moving to Harrogate to be near your other son, that would make it hugely harder, but there are loads of direct trains from Cheltenham to Cardiff (takes an hour and a half) or its around 1hr 15 driving - we live not far from Cheltenham and frequently go to Cardiff so easy for you to go to them at the weekend as frequently as you like

HW1989 · 07/01/2022 18:57

@pilates

Your children are being selfish. They have their own lives now and shouldn’t begrudge you enjoying yours.
This. They are grown up now and have lives of their own, time for you to enjoy yours.