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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Moving and adult children

124 replies

JPerrin0506 · 07/01/2022 17:53

I’d really like some thoughts
My husband works away Monday to Friday and we are both lonely during the week
We are thinking of moving so he can come home every night
I have 3 adult boys all from previous marriage
34 son just had baby
32 son lives in Harrogate with wife and children
26 son moved to London
We currently live in Cardiff and thinking Cheltenham would be good area and just over an hour from our new grandson
My children think I’m selfish, eldest son because abandoning new grandson and youngest son who has said well when I visit from London what I’m I supposed to do with no friends in your new location!
I’m so torn I want to spend more time with husband but think children being selfish
Since my divorce 12 years ago I have sacrificed a lot for them
Views would be helpful

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/01/2022 19:01

I thought you were going to say early 20s at the most! But 26 and upwards and all living in different places you’ll never please everyone so you can please yourself.

If you’re currently in the same area as eldest, then youngest can stay with his brother when he wants to visit mates - or stay with his mates! Remind him that visiting you is about seeing his mum…

Tell eldest you’re not going further than an hour away and will still want to see him and his family and new baby as much as he’ll make time for. Mean it.

Enjoy moving. It’s the right time for your life. Flowers

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 07/01/2022 19:02

Move! Being an hour from a grandchild is fine and easily traveled. When your youngest visits he should be coming to visit you! He can still go back to visit his friends and stay with them when he does that. Your children are adults and have moved out. Now is the time for you to do what makes you happy.

WomanStanleyWoman · 07/01/2022 19:04

I think it’s useful for her to see the situation from a few years down the line from someone who has been through it, rather than you lot all saying the sons will have to get over it. Just consider they may never do that.

It’s a big ask for the OP to stay living somewhere she and her husband are unhappy, just in case her sons never grow up.

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2022 19:05

[quote ginandgarlands]@KO81 Hmm I wasn’t in any way trying to say that I was in the right, just giving my side of the experience to the OP, who asked a question. I’m warning her her sons may always feel like me, whether you think we’re selfish for feeling that way or not. I think it’s useful for her to see the situation from a few years down the line from someone who has been through it, rather than you lot all saying the sons will have to get over it. Just consider they may never do that.[/quote]
If you know rationally you weren’t in the right, then it’s no help to OP really that her sins may always feel this way about it - because she can’t do anything with that to help. Other than stay trapped in a place she doesn’t want to live anymore. And I’m sure you didn’t want that for your mum either.

NerrSnerr · 07/01/2022 19:06

Cheltenham to Cardiff is nothing, we do this journey regularly.

Youngest son can go and visit his friends and then visit his parents on the way home!

Cocomarine · 07/01/2022 19:09

Well, presuming Harrogate son doesn’t care.
Was London son actually seriously complaining or just voicing his immediate selfish (but not sustained) reaction of, “noooooooo!” When my parents wanted to downsize, my sister said, “but I love that Ute by the beach!” - she didn’t mean to guilt them, and nobody thought anything of it.
For the one who has just had a child - honestly yes, I’d think, “really? You were fine apart all week all this time and you have a grandchild you’re choosing to move?”

It’s not that I think you’re too - but I would be hurt by that timing.

Cocomarine · 07/01/2022 19:10

*you’re wrong

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 07/01/2022 19:12

OMG! I don't want to gatecrash your post OP, but I've found the responses so enlightening! My DH and I moved about 200 miles away from my daughter and 3 grandchildren, 6 years ago. They have never forgiven me, and still use every opportunity to make me feel bad about it, even though we moved for health reasons. At the time my daughter was 36!!

ginandgarlands · 07/01/2022 19:14

@NoSquirrels I guess OP has to think about whether she’s comfortable with the idea her children might never move past it. That’s all I’m saying.

And actually I didn’t say I thought I was in the wrong, I think it was a very difficult situation for both of us where there was no right or wrong, and the feelings we both had were valid. I wish she’d made a different choice, she wishes I wasn’t so devastated by it. Neither of us think the other was wrong.

Chely · 07/01/2022 19:15

The moaning kids are the selfish ones, you deserve to do what works for you now.

Sparklesocks · 07/01/2022 19:16

@Cocomarine

Well, presuming Harrogate son doesn’t care. Was London son actually seriously complaining or just voicing his immediate selfish (but not sustained) reaction of, “noooooooo!” When my parents wanted to downsize, my sister said, “but I love that Ute by the beach!” - she didn’t mean to guilt them, and nobody thought anything of it. For the one who has just had a child - honestly yes, I’d think, “really? You were fine apart all week all this time and you have a grandchild you’re choosing to move?”

It’s not that I think you’re too - but I would be hurt by that timing.

Out of interest when is OP meant to move then? What timing is optimum? If she waits longer for her older son’s benefit as he just had a child, what if her other son has a child next year? Does she have wait after that too?

I don’t understand adult children who are settled and would want their parents to live unhappily (and OP and her partner are, as he’s away most of the week) just to suit their comfort. I’d feel awful knowing my mum put her life on hold for my benefit.

Eightiesfan · 07/01/2022 19:23

Adults behaving like teenagers, move wherever you like. How would they feel if you laid down the same argument and made them all live on your doorstep for your own convenience?

Cocomarine · 07/01/2022 19:25

@Sparklesocks if another son (you mean the 26yo?) has a child next year, he’s already in London. There is only one son local to OP at present, the one that just had a child. There isn’t an optimum time - and I did say I don’t think OP is in the wrong - but I think there’s definitely times that are less optimal than others. Of course I think the local son has to accept his mother’s choice - but I also think it’s not unreasonable for him to be put out at the timing, if he’s just had his first child.

The 26yo… I can’t tell if that’s genuinely expectation that mum should stay out for we for his whims - or just a passing, “oh no!” moment, about change.

OP should move - but I don’t think definitely she has to worry that 2 of her sons are horribly selfish. Sounds like it could easily blow over quickly, they just need to adjust to the announcement.

FrownedUpon · 07/01/2022 19:27

What selfish children you have. You don’t exist just to serve your sons. Do what’s right for you and your husband.

beetr00 · 07/01/2022 19:28

@JPerrin0506

Just fyi,

Harrogate - Cardiff 4 hr 24 min (243 mi)
Harrogate - Cheltenham 3 hr 24 min (185 mi)

London - Cardiff 3 hr 3 min (152 mi)
London - Cheltenham 2 hr 18 min (98.1 mi)

Cheltenham seems an excellent option, for everyone, but most especially if it suits both yourself and your DH best.

This is your time, isn't it?

Good luck Smile

Just10moreminutesplease · 07/01/2022 19:28

I think your youngest is being selfish. But I would be quite hurt if my mum moved away when I’d just had a baby.

beetr00 · 07/01/2022 19:29

@Just10moreminutesplease

She'd be moving closer to the newest grandchild Smile

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 07/01/2022 19:29

@ginandgarlands

I’m going against the grain here but I’ve never really forgiven my mum for moving away from my childhood home after my dad died. I was 26 at the time and owned my own home in another city, but it was so traumatising. She moved to be closer to her siblings and I’ve always felt that she chose them instead of me.

We’re OK now but it’s damaged something in our relationship and we recently had a big argument about it which ended with us both in floods of tears. I think it will make me sad forever.

Can you explain gin why it was ok for you to move away to another city and buy a home there but not ok for your mum to move away?
LondonJax · 07/01/2022 19:30

How long are grandparents supposed to wait until they move on with their lives? Until their own kids have decided not to produce any more children of their own? Until the last grandchild is all grown up?

And, of course, if the son decides to move himself because of job or schools or whatever that'd probably be fine.

As for the London based son. Easy answer for him, move back to Cardiff if he wants to see his old mates. He chose to move away and 'abandon' them. If they were that important he may have given it more thought. And there is a motorway and a train service that runs between London and Cardiff. Last time I looked there were hotels too.

DS knows that, once he's settle with his own place, we'll be on the move. We live where we do because it's a nice place, it's near his school and his friends. But there are few transport links, we don't want to have to be driving when we're old just because we have no choice. So we'll be looking for somewhere with better links.

DS is fine with that but, to be honest, he doesn't have a choice. It's not up to him. He'll move away without a thought about the friends he leaves behind if it suits him, just as he should. And so will we. Just as we should.

They'll get over it and, if they don't, that's their problem. Why would any child be happy to see their mum or dad unhappy just to keep the old family home they, themselves, have moved away from?

AuntieMarys · 07/01/2022 19:30

Do it!!! Go and have quality of life. They are being ridiculous

MilduraS · 07/01/2022 19:31

Your sons are selfish. My parents moved continents when I was 20 and living independently. The thought of making them feel guilty for making a decision that improved their life never occurred to me. That was the late noughties so not really that long ago.

ginandgarlands · 07/01/2022 19:36

@errnerrcallnernnernnern Funny question really, in that my Mum was very sad when I moved away and we had a similar, reverse, experience when I was 18. She occasionally even now says how sad it is I don’t live in the same town as her like my cousins all do with their family. I know some people would think some things she has felt about that are selfish and would berate her if she posted on this app. So maybe both my mum and I are selfish, or maybe we’re both just real people with real emotions Wink

(I also think parents have more of a responsibility to their children - even adult children - then children do to their parents but for some reason that’s controversial)

Houseplantmad · 07/01/2022 19:36

Our friends moved to Cheltenham two years ago and are so happy there. I love visiting- it's a great place and so accessible.

Ignore your sons and make yourself happy.

muddyford · 07/01/2022 19:37

I feel for you. Parallel situation here. I want to move nearer my family but older DH, who has seen his children and grandchildren grow up and now on to great -grandchildren, won't do it.

JPerrin0506 · 07/01/2022 19:38

Thanks all
I have opportunity of 2 new great jobs in Cheltenham with more salary plus get to see and have life with my husband
We’re in our early fifties and I must say also that my childrens father lives in the midlands and that’s not an issue
I guess they depend on me too much but isn’t it time I did what is right for my marriage
I will still be a great grandmother just not available at a moments notice when my sons new son has been crying 24/7
I lost my parents in a freak accident when I was 22 and had two children and stood on my own two feet

OP posts: