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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moving and adult children

124 replies

JPerrin0506 · 07/01/2022 17:53

I’d really like some thoughts
My husband works away Monday to Friday and we are both lonely during the week
We are thinking of moving so he can come home every night
I have 3 adult boys all from previous marriage
34 son just had baby
32 son lives in Harrogate with wife and children
26 son moved to London
We currently live in Cardiff and thinking Cheltenham would be good area and just over an hour from our new grandson
My children think I’m selfish, eldest son because abandoning new grandson and youngest son who has said well when I visit from London what I’m I supposed to do with no friends in your new location!
I’m so torn I want to spend more time with husband but think children being selfish
Since my divorce 12 years ago I have sacrificed a lot for them
Views would be helpful

OP posts:

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 07/01/2022 19:38

[quote beetr00]@Just10moreminutesplease

She'd be moving closer to the newest grandchild [/quote]
Where does it say that?

Son 1 - recently became a father, no location given but OP states that he feels that she would be ‘abandoning her grandchild’ if she goes ahead with the move, which implies that he currently lives locally to the OP in/near Cardiff
Son 2 - lives in Harrogate
Son 3 - lives in London

thesugarbumfairy · 07/01/2022 19:39

They are fully grown adults. Not just 18 year old 'adults' who are still little boys. Fully grown, with their own lives.
You are also a fully grown adult, with a husband, who you would like to spend your time with.
Its not like you're even considering leaving the UK FFS. Its Cheltenham!
Life is too short. You've given everything to your children. Its your time.

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2022 19:39

[quote ginandgarlands]@NoSquirrels I guess OP has to think about whether she’s comfortable with the idea her children might never move past it. That’s all I’m saying.

And actually I didn’t say I thought I was in the wrong, I think it was a very difficult situation for both of us where there was no right or wrong, and the feelings we both had were valid. I wish she’d made a different choice, she wishes I wasn’t so devastated by it. Neither of us think the other was wrong.[/quote]
I didn’t say you were wrong either (I said if you appreciated that you weren’t right) because I can see that this is one of those no one is wrong because they’re entitled to their feelings, ones. Same as OP’s sons are entitled to their feelings.

But neither she nor your mum were being ‘selfish’, wouldn’t you agree?

It’s sad you feel you’ll never move past it.

I’d be very upset if my surviving parent moved from my childhood home, I know I would. But I’d recognise that would be my grief and not really my place to say anything one way or the other about their intrinsic motivations being ‘selfish’. Because as adults we aren’t entitled to control other adults, either with emotional blackmail or anything else.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 07/01/2022 19:41

I agree with the majority, make your move OP. I can understand your local son being upset but it sounds like the move will make a big difference to your daily life and happiness.

Pugtails · 07/01/2022 19:43

Do what’s best for you and your husband. My mum has had the option of moving far away in the uk and abroad, I encouraged her to do both, thought she didn’t in the end. Why should parents wait around for their adult children and out their lives in hold, you can still support them in the new location. I wouldn’t want me parents to be sort and unhappy.

Hankunamatata · 07/01/2022 19:44

I'd be a bit gutted if my mum moved away after I just had my first baby.

KateMcCallister · 07/01/2022 19:44

Fucksake, move house and let your selfish children sulk.

I moved 4 hours drive away from my parents, my brother followed suit and I've never heard one word from them about us being selfish to do what was right for our families. My parents are now moving to be near to us but if they'd decided to emigrate to Australia then good on them, their life doesn't revolve around us the same as ours doesn't revolve around them.

ivykaty44 · 07/01/2022 19:45

when I visit from London what I’m I supposed to do with no friends in your new location!

so he wants a base in his home town rather than get a motel or hotel - or even crash with a good friend

your 34 yer old with baby - he's the parent, not you and being an hour away is hardly a great distance for babysitting and visiting

they are behaving in an entitled way- they have their lives now and it seems they don't appriciate that y9u are actually entitled to your own life

beetr00 · 07/01/2022 19:46

@BalladOfBarryAndFreda

When I saw that OP said and just over an hour from our new grandson
I did indeed assume this son is currently the closest (in distance) to her?

JeSuis · 07/01/2022 19:47

Adult children, especially of that age, do not get a vote in where their parents choose to live!

Cheltenham is nice iirc. Good luck

ivykaty44 · 07/01/2022 19:47

Hankunamatata

and if your dh got a job 3/4/ hours away would you refuse to move and you both be lonely in the week so you could stay near your mum?

FortniteBoysMum · 07/01/2022 19:48

Tell your youngest if he comes to visit you his supposed to spend time with you not use you as a bed and breakfast to see his mates which is what it sounds like he currently wants. Point out that staying put you will only see him now and again this is about you seeing your husband every day to stop you feeling alone. Tell your eldest that not being so close you will enjoy the time even more and perhaps even offer to have little one for the odd weekend to give them a break so you get quality time with grandchild giving them a break.

ChateauMargaux · 07/01/2022 19:50

Where does your husband work?

Cheltenham is lovely!

Would your new place have room for them to come and stay?

Would you be able to find work when you move? Or are you already retired?

Would you be able to visit your new grandchild, cheltenham is not far from Cardiff.

Do what makes you happy.. it is the right thing to do!

godmum56 · 07/01/2022 19:57

Feck em. I bet of they wanted to move they'd do it like a shot

Darbs76 · 07/01/2022 19:59

The only selfish people here are your children. All living their own lives but expect you to remain there so they can catch up with friends etc? No. My children know when they have all gone to Uni etc I’m moving back to Wales where I grew up, 250 miles from here.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 07/01/2022 20:01

Well, it’s probably just their initial reaction to something they may not have expected. Hopefully they’ll move past that and not be so selfish.

When my dad sold our family home I was a bit upset as we no longer had any ties to that town anymore and I knew I was unlikely to visit often. I had a lot of memories and knew I’d miss it….. but I didn’t aim this at him at all, I knew it was just me feeling a bit sad, he was perfectly reasonable to move.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 07/01/2022 20:05

[quote ginandgarlands]@errnerrcallnernnernnern Funny question really, in that my Mum was very sad when I moved away and we had a similar, reverse, experience when I was 18. She occasionally even now says how sad it is I don’t live in the same town as her like my cousins all do with their family. I know some people would think some things she has felt about that are selfish and would berate her if she posted on this app. So maybe both my mum and I are selfish, or maybe we’re both just real people with real emotions

(I also think parents have more of a responsibility to their children - even adult children - then children do to their parents but for some reason that’s controversial)[/quote]
It’s ok to be sad when a family member moves away but you say you haven’t forgiven her still which is a bit extreme.

My mum’s a widow and three of her children made a conscious choice to live within walking distance of her.

She always encouraged us to go wherever our lives took us but we wanted to be around for when she will need care.

Parents have a responsibility to their children yes, but only when they’re children.

They shouldn’t be expected to put their lives on hold for a 26yo adult offspring who wants to buy a home in another city but expects her mum to maintain the family home.

MostNamesAreTaken · 07/01/2022 20:07

You are perfectly entitled to move, but accept there are likely adverse consequences. It sounds like your youngest will visit less as has less ties to the area and you will be less close to your newest grandchild as he grows up and have left his father feeling deprioritised. He may move further away to be nearer his wife's family. These consequences can happen naturally not out of spite.

How much do your sons see their father, if he also moved away its reasonable to consider your relationship going forward may be similar?

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 07/01/2022 20:07

(I also think parents have more of a responsibility to their children - even adult children - then children do to their parents but for some reason that’s controversial)[/quote]
Because it's bollocks maybe? But you keep digging...

Beautiful3 · 07/01/2022 20:10

Your children are adults now, who are free to move around. Your husband comes first now. Yes of course move closer to his work, in order to see each other more.

Redgreenbluehooray · 07/01/2022 20:10

Won't you miss the coast and hills?

(Misses point, but that's what's stopping us moving nearer to adult child in Cotswolds).

NerrSnerr · 07/01/2022 20:14

@Redgreenbluehooray

Won't you miss the coast and hills?

(Misses point, but that's what's stopping us moving nearer to adult child in Cotswolds).

Cheltenham is surrounded by hills. This picture is Cleeve hill which overlooks Cheltenham, then there's Crickly Hill, Churchdown Hill, Leckhampton Hill. All very big hills.

Can't do much about the coast though, Gloucester Docks doesn't quite cut it!

NerrSnerr · 07/01/2022 20:14

And of course the best hill Cooper's Hill (about 5 miles away from Cheltenham). No cheese rolling in Cardiff!

Redgreenbluehooray · 07/01/2022 20:17

Meh, it's pretty flat compared with Wales 😉

NerrSnerr · 07/01/2022 20:17

I forgot to attach the picture to my hill rant!

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