Moving and adult children

[JPerrin0506]

I’d really like some thoughts
My husband works away Monday to Friday and we are both lonely during the week
We are thinking of moving so he can come home every night
I have 3 adult boys all from previous marriage
34 son just had baby
32 son lives in Harrogate with wife and children
26 son moved to London
We currently live in Cardiff and thinking Cheltenham would be good area and just over an hour from our new grandson
My children think I’m selfish, eldest son because abandoning new grandson and youngest son who has said well when I visit from London what I’m I supposed to do with no friends in your new location!
I’m so torn I want to spend more time with husband but think children being selfish
Since my divorce 12 years ago I have sacrificed a lot for them
Views would be helpful

Your 'grown up' children really need to take long, hard look at themselves. How selfish they sound.

@KO81

The only selfish ones are your sons, who have given your well-being no consideration at all. They seem to think you exist for their own convenience and comfort.

This.

Move to where it works for you and your husband.

You wouldn't expect your adult children to stay near you.

Move!

My dad’s job took us all over the world. When I went to uni in Scotland, they were in Holland. When I graduated, I went off to Japan for 2 years, just as they moved back to Taiwan. And my brother was 19 and still at Uni in the U.K.

They subsequently moved to China, the Czech Republic and then back the U.K. after 30 years. I had 2 small children with both sets of grandparents living abroad, and coming to stay with us when they came back to the U.K.

I never dreamt of telling them what they should do.

Obviously there are trade offs: our visits are feast or famine. It would be much easier, and less stressful having someone you could pop in to for the afternoon or even day, rather than a 12 hour round trip.

But this is the life we all chose - it’s a wide exciting world, and I want my own 3 children to fly the nest, and fly far if they want to, even though I will miss them.

Definitely move OP. They are being incredibly selfish and you shouldn't pander to it. Your role as a parent is not to maintain a time capsule for their childhood where everything remains the same just to convenience them.

I'm staggered by the poster who holds a longterm grudge against her mother for moving, having already left her mother and moved to another city herself 🙄 I'd feel I'd failed a bit at parenting if my children grew up to be so self absorbed (an initial sadness about the family home being sold is fine, holding onto a grudge is undeniably horribly horribly selfish).

@ginandgarlands

I rarely read anything quite so selfish and I say that as someone who lost a parent young and the other parent relocated

@ginandgarlands

I’m going against the grain here but I’ve never really forgiven my mum for moving away from my childhood home after my dad died. I was 26 at the time and owned my own home in another city, but it was so traumatising. She moved to be closer to her siblings and I’ve always felt that she chose them instead of me.

We’re OK now but it’s damaged something in our relationship and we recently had a big argument about it which ended with us both in floods of tears. I think it will make me sad forever.

That’s quite selfish of you I have to say.

[quote ginandgarlands]@NoSquirrels I guess OP has to think about whether she’s comfortable with the idea her children might never move past it. That’s all I’m saying.

And actually I didn’t say I thought I was in the wrong, I think it was a very difficult situation for both of us where there was no right or wrong, and the feelings we both had were valid. I wish she’d made a different choice, she wishes I wasn’t so devastated by it. Neither of us think the other was wrong.[/quote]
You were/are in the wrong and owe your mother an apology for making her feel so awful.

ginandgarlands you need to get over yourself.

It’s getting to be a bit of a pile on on gin, I disagree with her but she voiced her opinion in good faith I think.

Bloody hell OP, you should move, your sons are very selfish and should be ashamed, especially the one in his 30s complaining!

Too right they’re selfish. 2 in their 30s, one aged 26 and they want to dictate where you live—— not on.
You’re only moving to Cheltenham, not China. I’m sure they’ve heard of motorways and trains!!!
Do what is right for you and your DH, sons have their own lives.

So it was ok for your son to move to London? Yet it's not ok for you to move?

He needs to grow up!

You were/are in the wrong and owe your mother an apology for making her feel so awful

Agreed.

Your sons are being incredibly selfish and ridiculous. My parents moved twice, miles away from our 'family' home once we all left home. We have already told our two (in their teens) that we'll be moving when they leave home, they're absolutely fine with it.

I used to live in Cheltenham in the 80s - it's gorgeous! Good luck with your move.

@DixonD I don’t owe my mother any sort of apology, nor does she want or expect one. I think she’d find it very strange if I did. I didn’t scream or shout at her or do anything worthy of an apology. How odd. I don’t even know what I’d apologise for, having feelings? Giving my opinion when asked? It was a very difficult time, we were both very upset. I was supportive once she’d made the decision and took time off work to help her move, and really made an effort to get on with it, but I can’t deny my own emotions to the move have never really changed and just occasionally that comes up in a conversation with her.

I don’t think it’s selfish to have my own feelings, and tbh commenters on an online forum aren’t going to make me think differently about my behaviour.

Anyway, I didn’t want to derail OP’s thread - I just wanted to give the other perspective.

@ginandgarlands

I’m going against the grain here but I’ve never really forgiven my mum for moving away from my childhood home after my dad died. I was 26 at the time and owned my own home in another city, but it was so traumatising. She moved to be closer to her siblings and I’ve always felt that she chose them instead of me.

We’re OK now but it’s damaged something in our relationship and we recently had a big argument about it which ended with us both in floods of tears. I think it will make me sad forever.

You sound incredibly self-centered, quite manipulative with a shocking lack of empathy towards your mother.

Oh fgs, leave @ginandgarlands alone now. Everyone’s made their bloody point and had a dig. Respond to the OP and move on.

@BalladOfBarryAndFreda

Oh fgs, leave *@ginandgarlands* alone now. Everyone’s made their bloody point and had a dig. Respond to the OP and move on.

Errrm, where do you get off trying to dictate to others what to post? *@ginandgarlands* keeps doubling down with her ridiculous entitled attitude. It is very relevant to the thread to show OP that the vast majority disagrees strongly with such a selfish attitude!

@Rightshoardingsaurus how has gin doubled down?

She’s right, she’s given her opinion on an anonymous forum, not sure why she is required to apologise to her mum.

I would never put a man over my adult DS’, they will always come first. I wouldn’t move away from them.

For heaven’s sake, it’s her husband! You talk like it’s some bloke she met down the pub last Thursday!

Move 100%. You have dedicated your life to your children for decades. You can still be a good mother and put your self first.

@WomanStanleyWoman

For heaven’s sake, it’s her husband! You talk like it’s some bloke she met down the pub last Thursday!

This. Her children have been her priority for years.🙄

@Roselilly36

I would never put a man over my adult DS’, they will always come first. I wouldn’t move away from them.

But tricky given that they live in three different places hundreds of miles apart.