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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moving and adult children

124 replies

JPerrin0506 · 07/01/2022 17:53

I’d really like some thoughts
My husband works away Monday to Friday and we are both lonely during the week
We are thinking of moving so he can come home every night
I have 3 adult boys all from previous marriage
34 son just had baby
32 son lives in Harrogate with wife and children
26 son moved to London
We currently live in Cardiff and thinking Cheltenham would be good area and just over an hour from our new grandson
My children think I’m selfish, eldest son because abandoning new grandson and youngest son who has said well when I visit from London what I’m I supposed to do with no friends in your new location!
I’m so torn I want to spend more time with husband but think children being selfish
Since my divorce 12 years ago I have sacrificed a lot for them
Views would be helpful

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 07/01/2022 20:18

There you go.

gogohm · 07/01/2022 20:18

Move!

I told my kids that I will always love them but now they are adults I will follow my heart, in my case across the country to live with my dp. One dd decided to move in the other stayed with her dad who I let move back to the family home and keep until they graduated.

Follow your heart

Mix56 · 07/01/2022 20:18

They would move to a place they could be nearer their partner, & have a great job... Why can't you ?
Ask them this.

Hankunamatata · 07/01/2022 20:19

@ivykaty44

Hankunamatata

and if your dh got a job 3/4/ hours away would you refuse to move and you both be lonely in the week so you could stay near your mum?

My husband does work away during the week and I live next to my mil, your point?

onedayoranother · 07/01/2022 20:38

What? Jeez do what you want. They are being totally selfish. My parents lived hundreds of miles from me and thousands from my siblings and we didn't think anything of it - and we are a close family.
Your son can visit his friends without you giving him a place to stay. Your other son can hardly say you are 'abandoning' your grandchild illness he was relying on you gif free childcare.
You are not responsible for providing your kids with free accommodation or childcare. Your marriage is the most important consideration here.

2bazookas · 07/01/2022 20:39

You and DH have every right to do exactly what you want and please yourselves where you live.

It's not too late for your rude sons to grow some balls and learn better manners .

MatildaJayne · 07/01/2022 20:58

Come to Cheltenham. It’s lovely. Just avoid Balcarras catchment because it will add £75k or so to the price of your house! And you don’t need a secondary school.

MatildaJayne · 07/01/2022 21:01

View from Crickley Hill. You can see Wales in the distance.

StillWalking · 07/01/2022 21:04

These are three grown men with their own lives dictating to you what you may, or may not, do with your life .... nope!!! They have made their choices, you can make yours. Move and be happy.

goawaystormy · 07/01/2022 21:05

OP do what's right for you. You aren't selfish for it.

However you do need to consider what knock on effects this many have.

Will you see oldest son's son less? And how much will this matter to you. Don't be that GP (who we see threads on here about time and time again) who moves away and then moans about not seeing GC enough. If you move away you do need to make the effort to visit and not expect them to come to you.

Youngest son may visit less or for much less time. I know when i go to see my parents it is of course to see them but given that I have lots of friends around there it does incline me to visit for longer (possibly more often too because although it's seeing them it's also 'going home' to a place i'm familiar with and has good memories). If it was just my parents there I may visit for 2/3 days at a time but because it is my home town (and childhood home where i feel less like a 'guest') I more than happily stay for a week (and before I get piled on about maybe they don't want me for that long, yes, my mum loves this and always says I should stay longer).

I'm not saying this to put you off. You have every right to move and I don't think you're selfish for it. I'm only saying consider everything that it might entail before you dive in and then end up unhappily surprised by an outcome.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 07/01/2022 21:06

@ginandgarlands

I’m going against the grain here but I’ve never really forgiven my mum for moving away from my childhood home after my dad died. I was 26 at the time and owned my own home in another city, but it was so traumatising. She moved to be closer to her siblings and I’ve always felt that she chose them instead of me.

We’re OK now but it’s damaged something in our relationship and we recently had a big argument about it which ended with us both in floods of tears. I think it will make me sad forever.

That was extremely selfish of you. Didn't your mother have the right to be happy and have the support of her siblings? You had already moved to another city and left her. If anyone damaged the relationship its you with your me me me attitude. Was she supposed to sit there all alone and just wait for your visits?

Katela18 · 07/01/2022 21:15

You aren't being selfish at all OP and deserve a life with your husband.

My parents moved 6 hours away 2 years ago to live out their retirement in Scotland. My youngest brother was 22 at the time but we all had our own homes, jobs and partners. They are still excellent grand parents to my DD and she adores them.

You have done your bit for your children it's time for you to do what's right for you. It's unfortunate your sons aren't being supportive but they are thinking about themselves and not you

You can still have a lovely relationship with your grandson, but ultimately he is your sons responsibility not yours and you don't need to plan your life around him

Morechocmorechoc · 07/01/2022 21:26

I'd tell your eldest you will be moving in with him so you aren't lonely mon to Friday. His opinion will soon change!!

26 is a selfish age so just ignore it.

Are you seriously happy moving away from new grandson thougj? Can you dh get a job closer to where you are? Are you happy moving away from your friends?

ivykaty44 · 08/01/2022 04:37

My husband does work away during the week and I live next to my mil, your point?

So you have your MIL next door, op is lonely 😔 that’s my point, do you live in the house alone?

KO81 · 08/01/2022 06:37

[quote ginandgarlands]@NoSquirrels I guess OP has to think about whether she’s comfortable with the idea her children might never move past it. That’s all I’m saying.

And actually I didn’t say I thought I was in the wrong, I think it was a very difficult situation for both of us where there was no right or wrong, and the feelings we both had were valid. I wish she’d made a different choice, she wishes I wasn’t so devastated by it. Neither of us think the other was wrong.[/quote]
I think you were wrong. You looked at that whole situation from an entirely selfish point of view, even though you lived elsewhere.

merrymouse · 08/01/2022 07:24

[quote ginandgarlands]@KO81 I wasn’t in any way trying to say that I was in the right, just giving my side of the experience to the OP, who asked a question. I’m warning her her sons may always feel like me, whether you think we’re selfish for feeling that way or not. I think it’s useful for her to see the situation from a few years down the line from someone who has been through it, rather than you lot all saying the sons will have to get over it. Just consider they may never do that.[/quote]
ginandgarlands

I can understand why the sense of loss of the place where you grew up, combined with grief for your father, would have been and still is difficult.

However I can also very much understand why your mother would want to live near siblings.

I don’t think this is comparable to the OP’s situation where it seems that one child has chosen to stay in Cardiff.

Driposaurus · 08/01/2022 07:28

You’re not being selfish at all.

My parents have moved areas of the country three times in the 18 years since I left home.. wouldn’t cross my mind to object!

LublinToDublin · 08/01/2022 08:08

Of course you have the right to live your life where and how you please. Adult children have no right to expect you to sacrifice your happiness for their convenience.

But as others have said, your decision to move will impact on those relationships and it is possible that this could impact on you further down the line.

I know I would have been sad if my Mum had moved away soon after I'd had a baby. How it would have affected our relationship long term I wouldn't know, but I'm sure that being open sbout those feelings would help.

GoodnightGrandma · 08/01/2022 08:10

Your eldest son probably had you lined up for free babysitting !
Move and be happy.

BooksAndGin · 08/01/2022 08:13

Your children are being majorly selfish. My parents moved from my hometown, I didn't object once as I knew it'd make them happy.

Sounds like your expected to be the free babysitter, a hour isn't far from them at all! Please move op you deserve to be happy.

Gingerninja4 · 08/01/2022 08:18

Tell them to grow up.This is their your time now .

My mum moved to Scotland always was her dream do I miss her being nearer, yes of course I do .BUT she is happy and loves it so am pleased for her that she doing what she wants I have my own life she entitled to hers
.
She never dictated where I lived when was younger so why would I do it to her

LublinToDublin · 08/01/2022 08:19

Whilst I'm fully supportive of OP's plan to move, I'm saddened that so many are quick to assume that the eldest son only wants his mum close for free babysitting etc.
There are so many positives to having multiple generations living close to each other. I do know that an hour away is not emigrating, but it is different from being local and the family may need time to adjust to that difference.

Gingerninja4 · 08/01/2022 08:19

Opps should read This is your time .

PinkSyCo · 08/01/2022 09:52

It’s your time to do what makes you happy now. It’s just a shame your son’s are too selfish to understand this.

FreeFrenchHens · 08/01/2022 10:17

I wonder if this is a bit harder for them because of the divorce. You've had time to think it through and it's all logical in terms of reducing travel time etc but maybe this is just their initial "emotional brain" reflex to losing their home base. Even more so if you're selling their childhood home.

I'm not saying that you should stay, just that you might be almost talking a different language to them at the moment. People tend not to react well to unexpected change outside their control, our brains just don't like it.

Give them time to get used to it and then talk it through. It would be ridiculous to expect you to be home alone for 5/7ths of your life just for the odd days they might want to pop in, or crash with you while visiting friends. I bet if you framed it like that at the right time, they would see sense. It does feel a bit hard on your son with the baby, but that doesn't stop it being the right decision on balance.

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