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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hacked off with dh for what he's just spent at the supermarket...........

54 replies

LOONEYplayingachristmasTUNEy · 23/12/2007 17:56

I had a Tesco delivery last night which cost pennies short of £100. Dh was going to pop into Asda tomorrow and buy a few bits that we couldn't get online....all cheap bits. Well, his brother needed taking to Morrison's (he lives about 40 mins away from us) so dh took him as a favour but whilst there, dh spent £53.97 and it included:

Harvey's Bristol Cream - £5.00
Morrison's 'Best' Fruit and Nut Cluster Cake - £5.99
Port & Stilton Pack - £5.00
Quality Street Tin - £4.75

I'm not happy as I've been working really hard on the accounts as we're in a bit of a pickle. We have £4k on CC and were overdrawn £2k. Dh had his last day at work on Friday (redundancy) and has no job lined up for new year and the tiny bit of redundancy he got (enough to keep us going through the first month if needed) is supposed to be clearing the overdraft etc. IF we don't end up needing it to live on.

I'm also 14 weeks pregnant and working my arse off childminding, taking on more kiddies so I can save more money and I resent it being spent in such a fashion. We talked about no Christmas presents a while back and bit by bit dh kept buying himself things and saying "you can give me these for Christmas" and it ended up coming to about £60 in the end. I've still told him not to spend on me as I'm so worried about money and his lack of job (he's had it before where it took 3 months to even get a temp job! )

I've just shown my disappointment at his spend and he's gone off in a right huff. He's a 46 year old grown up FFS, he's acting like a kid. I love Christmas too and wish we could afford to indulge but we have a lo and another on the way and I just feel like someone needs to try and be responsible.

AIBU? If so, I'll go and hug him and say sorry but right now I feel like he's being a twat! (oh and all the booze, cheese, pate etc. is for him coz of course I can't have any anyway - this is NOT the reason I'm annoyed btw)

OP posts:
PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 23/12/2007 18:02

it is a bit short sighted but the only person who you will stress by all this is yourself!
try to chill he probably got caught up in the christmas cheer
keep the cake and chocs for yourself

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 23/12/2007 18:02

I can see why you are frustrated but tbh it sounds like this little bit of a spend - and in the greater scheme of things it's not a massive, massive amount is it - has been important to him in some way - I'm sure he's just as worried as you - sometimes we all need to hide from things with a bit of comfort. I really hope things work out well for you in the New Year with the baby and everything - and it could be worse - what if he'd come home with a plasma screen telly - or a magnum of champagne
Give him a hug and tell him to hand over the Quality Street right now!

Cappuccino · 23/12/2007 18:05

YANBU

it doesn't sound like it's a one-off tbh

I wouldn't send him

I'd give him weekly pocket money

I'm not kidding

Original poster
LOONEYplayingachristmasTUNEy · 23/12/2007 18:08

No, it's not a one off. There are other big spends I've not mentioned which are regular indulging - think it's just the final straw this lot as yesterday we didn't have 10p to spend but he found out his pay had just gone through so went spending and still needs to get the other stuff tomorrow. He's like this every year when it comes to Christmas but under the circumstances I made him promise to be careful. I know £50+ doesn't sound like a lot to some people but it really is everything to us with this huge mortgage we now have!

OP posts:
yULeYSEES · 23/12/2007 18:08

agree I'd be in charge of money if i were you. YANBU

Original poster
LOONEYplayingachristmasTUNEy · 23/12/2007 18:09

Unfortunately I didn't send him shopping, he was just supposed to be taking his brother who needed help. Tomorrow he's supposed to be getting some bits and I'm worried but I can't go as I'm working.

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discoverlife · 23/12/2007 18:09

Sorry, but I think you are over reacting. If he has delayed your return to financial normality it has only delayed it by 1 month, whats a month in the great scheme of things.

Also if he has managed to buy you a pressy, don't go balistic (he probably has) treat it as what he wants it to be, a loving gift for a lovely wife who deserves it.

Take a deep breath and as has been said, demand the chocolates, and one little bit of Baileys isnt going harm on Xmas Day.

Original poster
LOONEYplayingachristmasTUNEy · 23/12/2007 18:11

Hehe, I'm SUPPOSED to be in charge of money - I do the accounts etc and had budget plans and everything as god knows when he'll next earn. It's the fact I've told him not to spend and then he does anyway I know, I should chill but ffs, he's like a big kid and has already spent a couple of hundred more than I allowed for this Christmas with him 'just getting caught up with Christmas'

OP posts:
discoverlife · 23/12/2007 18:11

Sorry, crossed posts, I thought it was a one off.
In that case you will need to cut up the cards and take over the spending yourself.

yULeYSEES · 23/12/2007 18:12

i thought discoverlife had x posts

Looney take charge then, totally. My bf is like this, gets carried away whereas I check my online account daily. Bf is in US though so that's his problem.

JingleBelgoHoHoHo · 23/12/2007 18:12

YANBU. You are worried about your financesand how you will manage in the future, and doing all you can to earn and save. He is spending money you don't have on things you didn't agree on buying, that aren't really necessary.

Wisteria · 23/12/2007 18:13

YANBU - I'd be livid...

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 23/12/2007 18:13

Well it's done now - so either you can both be miserable or you can make a massive effort (and I know you shoouldn't have to) and put it aside.

MegBusset · 23/12/2007 18:22

YANBU if you are on a tight budget then it will only work if both of you stick to it if you are spending more than you are bringing in then you will end up in more debt, that way lies trouble (and I have been there).

However, it is Christmas so I think you will have to let this one go for the sake of a happy family. But in Jan sit down and agree a budget, if he struggles to stick to it then cut up his card. Also you could start a separate account which just has the week's groceries budget transferred into it each month.

MegBusset · 23/12/2007 18:25

"If he has delayed your return to financial normality it has only delayed it by 1 month, whats a month in the great scheme of things"

Sorry, but for anyone who is seriously trying to get out of debt this is wrong-headed thinking. Every month that you are in debt, you get into more debt through the interest you pay, then you pay interest on that interest and so it snowballs. I used to have debts of 10k because I kept thinking that another £50 or another month wouldn't make any difference. I only cleared it when I managed to set a budget and stick to it absolutely every single month.

Original poster
LOONEYplayingachristmasTUNEy · 23/12/2007 18:26

I am putting it to one side now for ds's sake. Just had a good old cry in the bathroom (hormones!) and won't speak about it now, I just wanted to know if I was BU. If only you knew the full extend of his 'treats'. I'm making all the sacrifices and I think it's unfair. If things don't turn around soon then I will be back to having just 4 weeks maternity leave (joys of being self-employed!)

Thanks everyone and Merry Christmas

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Rookietherednosedreindeer · 23/12/2007 18:27

Ooh what are blokes like ?

My DH is a real sweetie and luckily we are financially in a good position right now, because he just can't seem to stop himself where christmas is concerned. DS (aged 21mths) has every size of iggle piggle known no manufacturers and every time he goes out he keeps coming back with random items such as huge tin of shortbread for his family ( who are staying for the grand total of 2 nights) a christmas pudding ( we will be away over christmas) more In the night garden paraphenalia. I'm only hoping the same level of excess has gone into my christmas present !

JingleBelgoHoHoHo · 23/12/2007 18:28

Merry Christmas to you Looney as well .

Original poster
LOONEYplayingachristmasTUNEy · 23/12/2007 18:28

MegBusset - someone who understands!! We were in £15k worth of debt but due to a LOT of work I my part, I managed to get us into a bigger house AND clear the debts. We both knew we had to be careful once we moved and agreed the treats and stuff were to cheer us up in the old house as we were desperately unhappy (neighbours from hell etc). I'm terrified of going there again, especially after working so hard to get out of that debt! And yes, one month DOES make a difference!! Especially when our monthly budget is as tight as it is!!

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 23/12/2007 18:31

agree with Meg

we have a household budget and we both have the same amount of money to spend each week

we have a small amount additionally that goes into two separate accounts that we can spend on treats, and brthday presents etc

that way if your dh spends all his money that's it, no more; my dh has his in a passbook acccount so he is not wandering around with a card in his pocket asking to be used - he is really good with money precisely because he disciplines himself, it is not instinctive

no access to joint account is just asking for trouble

cut his cards up

Original poster
LOONEYplayingachristmasTUNEy · 23/12/2007 18:36

Advice please........dh is in a right sulk for me even mentioning I wasn't happy about the spend. I haven't harped on about it, that's just dh for you! How on earth to I have the conversation about cutting his cards up??? He'll say I'm treating him like a kid etc (I'm 15 yrs younger so somehow makes it worse for him I think) - we've sort of talked about this in the past and he always goes mental!

OP posts:
JingleBelgoHoHoHo · 23/12/2007 18:37

he's in a sulk because he knows he shouldn't have spent the money. this is tricky to deal with.

Original poster
LOONEYplayingachristmasTUNEy · 23/12/2007 18:39

Tell me about it. He'll start feeling sorry for himself about having no job, never earning much etc etc. which will make him more down and he'll want to go and buy more booze and other stuff to take his mind off it - that's what normally happens!

OP posts:
MegBusset · 23/12/2007 18:40

Well done on getting out of debt before . I too am so petrified of going back into debt, I don't even have an overdraft these days.

Enjoy your Xmas and crack the whip on spending in Jan!

Original poster
LOONEYplayingachristmasTUNEy · 23/12/2007 18:40

By the way.....I've been VERY supportive about his job loss and tried to reassure him the whole way. I just can't let him get away with spending loads just because he feels bad that he's out of work yet again. I do feel for him, I hope people don't think I'm some unsupportive wife.

OP posts: