To be hacked off with dh for what he's just spent at the supermarket...........

[LOONEYplayingachristmasTUNEy]

I had a Tesco delivery last night which cost pennies short of £100. Dh was going to pop into Asda tomorrow and buy a few bits that we couldn't get online....all cheap bits. Well, his brother needed taking to Morrison's (he lives about 40 mins away from us) so dh took him as a favour but whilst there, dh spent £53.97 and it included:

Harvey's Bristol Cream - £5.00
Morrison's 'Best' Fruit and Nut Cluster Cake - £5.99
Port & Stilton Pack - £5.00
Quality Street Tin - £4.75

I'm not happy as I've been working really hard on the accounts as we're in a bit of a pickle. We have £4k on CC and were overdrawn £2k. Dh had his last day at work on Friday (redundancy) and has no job lined up for new year and the tiny bit of redundancy he got (enough to keep us going through the first month if needed) is supposed to be clearing the overdraft etc. IF we don't end up needing it to live on.

I'm also 14 weeks pregnant and working my arse off childminding, taking on more kiddies so I can save more money and I resent it being spent in such a fashion. We talked about no Christmas presents a while back and bit by bit dh kept buying himself things and saying "you can give me these for Christmas" and it ended up coming to about £60 in the end. I've still told him not to spend on me as I'm so worried about money and his lack of job (he's had it before where it took 3 months to even get a temp job! )

I've just shown my disappointment at his spend and he's gone off in a right huff. He's a 46 year old grown up FFS, he's acting like a kid. I love Christmas too and wish we could afford to indulge but we have a lo and another on the way and I just feel like someone needs to try and be responsible.

AIBU? If so, I'll go and hug him and say sorry but right now I feel like he's being a twat! (oh and all the booze, cheese, pate etc. is for him coz of course I can't have any anyway - this is NOT the reason I'm annoyed btw)

it can't be a single conversation about today's spend

you have to sit down with an excel spreadsheet/ paper and pen and list everything - what comes in and goes out, how much all the bills are including contribution to less regular bills eg car tax, tv license, utilities (for these add them all up, divide by 12 so you can put by something each month)

show them all to dh

show him how much money you have for groceries, for 'treats', for day to day living. He needs to see the evidence that he cannot behave like this, rather than you telling him, show him teh full picutre. Tell him how much he can have and ask can he do that?

if yes, give him the cards. but honsetly one mistake and I'd have his cards off him because he hasn't take it seriously

wouldn't do it tonight tho

straight after Xmas; like New Year resolution

X-posted: oh dear, I imagine he does feel guilty and needs to save face somehow. Can you just say "never mind, let's enjoy it cause it's Christmas, and in Jan we will sit down together and come up with a budget we're both happy with"?

Looney - you should very sensible and very supportive in what could be a difficult situation.

Cheers Meg, I was dead proud and it was supposed to be our fresh start and no overdraft but dh worked on me and bit by bit he started to get his own way and 1 year later, £6k debt again He even told me not to panic when we were £2k overdrawn and at our limit on everything without petrol etc. He just phoned the bank and asked for another £200 and they gave it which of course I'm dead pleased about but it sort of makes him not see how serious it is!

Anyway, will put my thinking cap on about sorting his problem out in the new year. I really wanted 10-12 weeks off after the baby is born to help establish some sort of routine before I have all the kiddies back and lots of school runs etc.

god but your last post worries me

"not to panic" wtf?

he sounds bloody useless with money I would give him so little opportunity to have any freedom with it at all

£6 grand in ayear and he doesn't take it seriously?

Can you both go and speak to some sort of financial advisor? It must be very fustrating to get rid of one debt, only to get another one a year later.

Cappuccino - I'll try this AGAIN, already done all that as it's all on excel and very clear. That's what makes me so upset as I've shown just how tight things are and let him have x treats but then said we really can't have anymore and that's without me having treats.

MegBusset - I'll do that when ds has gone to bed

JingleBelgoHoHoHo - I think half the problem is how supportive I've been until this happened. Think I've said all the things about not having money but in too calm a way to save his feelings and unfortunately he's seen it as a green light to do whatever as 'Looney won't mind as long as I'm happy'. Oh well, we'll sort it out when ds is in bed and talk about it again in the new year.

Thanks for your help

I cant believe £6,000 in one year don't ask for the cards, seek and destroy

you are letting him get away with it

he gets treats and not you? and he knows the full picture

from now on he gets £X cash in his pocket per week

he gets no cards

he cannot be trusted

you should not forgo maternity leave because he is no good with money

he is disrespecting you and how you are trying to care for your family

JingleBelgoHoHoHo - I've suggested before but he was put off by once being told many years ago 'I'm afraid there's nothing I can think of to help you'. It was ME that came up with an idea that worked (this was another time before the £15k!!!) - I suggested that I bought his house off him to clear some debts and it worked. I was living there anyway and saw it as the only way out.

I am working on things, the credit card is hopefully going to be switched to one of these 0% on balance transfers - dh just has to send some ID in but it's been agreed in principal. The redundancy would clear most of the overdraft IF dh gets some work soon - I just need to persuade him that ANYTHING will do at this stage and if he gets nothing, to claim JSA (which atm he's refusing to do).

I'm pretty good at planning the clearing of debts, getting us on a tighter budget but dh starts shouting when I mention getting rid of sky or at least the extra box upstairs (he signed up for a year without me knowing and couldn't get out of it!), getting rid of other monthly things we don't need etc. He's got a motorbike in the garage he got last year when won a settlement for unfair dismissal. I have mentioned how he wouldn't want to sell his lovely Dragstar and he just glares at me with evil eyes. Well if we can't pay the mortgage, he may end up with no option!!

This is the thing.....because I work really hard and earn more than him - that depresses him and he feels useless etc. so I'M making him feel worse!!

I really want to just get rid of these dd's and take his cards but PLEASE, someone give me some advice as to how to do this without a war starting!!

Been there, done that, sweetness! Is it his credit cards he's spending on or debit cards?

If its debit cards, could you perhaps move all the dd's and standing orders onto an account with a set amount going in monthly to cover them. That way what ever is left, is his to spend. Cancel the overdraft and he'll soon get the message when he is embarrassed in the shop when they don;t except his card. He can't spend money he hasn't got then.

You have to really major on the fact that you are in this together. At the moment, he's in a quick-fix head-in-the-sand mentality, and he's being, shall we say, self-focused. (I'm being nice )

Have you talked to him about cutting up cards before now? Appeal to his gallantry - you need his help to get out of the debt situation, you can't do it on your own, etc.

To be honest, I think you'll do well to not have an argument about it, but really, some reality needs to be smacking him round the chops. He cannot possibly go on indulging himself like this, he needs to cut up the cards and pull himself together.

If he complained about being treated like a child, I'm afraid my response would have been that he should stop behaving like one. But I'm a bit free with the gob, so you might not want to use that tack

Hope you can enjoy Christmas, I well understand the strain debt can put on you, and I think you're doing fantastically well so far. But he definitely has habits that need changing, pronto.

If you withhold cards from him then you are perceived by him to be the biggger one (we know of course that you are )

Instead switch to cash, take out what you need at the beginning of the month, create envelopes for petrol, tesco etc (i think you might be able to buy prepaid cards for tesco).

Then show him at the begining of the month what is spare, and ask him to discuss how to split it, eg if the dc's need new clothers/pj's that month, suggest an envelope for that. The he sees what you actually have.

why are ypu trying to spare his feelings?

what about your feelings/stress?

I wouldn't worry about starting a war in your situation

I'd do it

you have obv tried for too long to be nice

OK, this is how our accounts work. ATM DH earns everything (I am on unpaid mat leave) but previously he still earned more than me, but as he is self-employed his earnings fluctuated.

ALL our earnings (both of us), after tax, go into a 'Salary' account.

From that account, a standing order goes into a 'Bills' account with everything we need to pay mortgage, bills, groceries etc for the month. These all come out by direct debit (groceries done online).

Then £300 goes to each of our personal accounts. This money is for presents, going out, treats, clothes etc and is our own responsibility. So if DH spends £200 on a new phone it's up to him, he only then has £100 for the month to spend down the pub etc. This also helps smooth over the pay disparity as we both get 'paid' the same iyswim.

It may well be that he feels raw over his redundancy and that he 'should' be the breadwinner and provide for his family etc, and splurging on gifts and food may be a symptom of that. I think this can be an ishoo with men where they are the lower paid half of a couple. But tbh he has to get over this and see it as all just one big pot of money between you that has to be spent where it needs to be.

meg ours is similar arrangement

except the figures are much lower

no Meg I think you are being too kind

you can tell from what she's said so far that he has been doing this for years

it is no ishoo

he is idiot

Hello Mo Having a nice weekend hun? It's debit card as he can't use the credit card now it's at it's limit. The application I made for the new credit card is in his name (due to me being SE of course) but I will be cutting both cards up and we will just pay it back. As for the overdraft, I'll cancel it when we're in a position to, at the moment we need it but I'm working hard on it.

SueBaRoomForAMincePie - you made me PMSL laughing and what you said, my nick-name for dh years ago was 'Mr Self-Absorbed' - can't believe I've been with him 11 years!!!

bracingair - to say that we've done all that but he still ended up drawing cash out

Oh.....got to dash in a sec as he's bringing me food Just quickly.....we've had a chat, I calmly just asked him to buy just what's on the list for tomorrow and he started raising his voice so I did what's best when he's like this, said a few things about what he's like in a jokey way 'you're like a kid in a candy store' etc. and he'd smurk slightly but say that he wasn't and I burst out laughing saying how he knows he is otherwise he wouldn't have smurked nervously like that and then he'd have it written all over his face without needing to say more He admitted he'd been stressed about money but wanted to not ruin Christmas and to think about if after Christmas to which I explained I'd been doing the same until today but we just can't afford to carry on like this etc. We've agreed to talk about it after Christmas but I said he has no choice but to work with me on this if he's to care for his family like he says he wants to (and then........he said he KNOWS he'll have to sell his bike if not got a job by the end of Jan....think he's trying to make me feel sorry for him but I'll stick with that plan as anything to help him get a job is worth it )

I'm also dead chuffed as I've managed to change a DD. BT have been ripping us off for ages with huge phone bills etc. when we could get much better deal with Tiscali for the same price as broadband but we had a problem when we moved here and had to wait a year and that has JUST come up so I've switched. That's going to save a LOT of money each month. I'll work on the rest more after Christmas.

Thanks for all your support, I'm glad I wasn't being totally unreasonable for being upset.

Merry Christmas all

I'll see you in the Staff Room in the morning, if you're working. I'm not, but I'm always around for a chat. I'll fill you in on my difficult night last night! Nothing bad, just a v. v. long night!

Yes, I'm working Mo Wasn't supposed to be but the sisters' mum changed her mind in the end and said she wanted me to work. See you in there

On a practical note.....

Could you put the Quality Street and the Bristol Cream away to be used as gifts for relatives during the coming year to take pressure off when a birthday is looming.

Also could you use the cake and cheese gift packs as presents for family and keep whatever you were going to give them for their birthday ?

I'm sorry he messed up your carefully budgeted Christmas plans it must be so frustrating. I agree with cutting up cards and starting to use cash only so that when there's no more cash that month it's beans on toast for him, no going out or self-indulgence treats.

You could also speak to your bank about needing both of you to request an increase in your overdraft not allowing one person to increase it like he did with a mere telephone call.

Grrrrrrr, dh just left to get last min things and mentioned we have to spend another £10 on his brother's wife as he knows what they've bought me so now we need to match it. GRRRRRR His brother is as bad as him and yes I'm grateful but to me it's not about matching exactly the same money. I told dh to make sure they didn't go mad this year (they can't afford it, his db has been off work with bad leg since July so on benefits) as we can't. They don't have kids themselves so maybe don't worry about money quite as much as I do.

Rant over, just needed to vent! Ds nagging to do puzzle so must go but will be back later to reply to last post x

give the Bristol Cream to her or the Quality Street! It's ridiculous trying to match presents.