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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Rear facing car seat placed front facing in DPs mum's car

135 replies

bantuknots · 07/01/2022 13:01

DD is 8 months old and uses the car seat which is group 0+ (I think that's the one anyway). It's a rear facing one and one that comes with the buggy when buying the travel system.

I don't drive so this hardly get used unless I take a cab to go somewhere which is rare. DD only really uses the car seat when her grandma (on her dad's side) picks her up for the day. Today her grandma picked her up and DP took DD downstairs in the buggy and put the car seat in the back the usual rear facing way.

I'm nosy so I always look out my window to see what's going on and because the car seat is quite bulky so sometimes it's a struggle for DP to strap her in. Anyway! I saw a few words were exchanged and DP turned DD's car seat around so she was front facing and they got ready to drive off. I called him straight away and said she can't be that way in that type of car seat and they need to change her round. I said the seat belt goes around the back of the seat, you can't just have it across her lap and that he basically hadn't strapped her in properly. He said alright then changed it back the correct way. I could see his mum had a lot to say about it (surprise surprise).

I just texted him reminding him to make sure DD is always as safe as possible and to please not do that again. He said they did it because she cries when facing the seat which made me think maybe they've done this before(?) I'm planning to speak to him when he comes back (nothing serious, more of a 'you can't do that in this type of car seat' chat) but was starting to think if I've got it wrong or if I'm being unreasonable?

I don't have a car or drive so again I don't know the law regarding these things. I did have a look on Google and Gov and it seems that to be front facing you need a different type of seat and DC has to be above a certain weight but I'm starting to doubt myself especially as his mum had something to say. So tell me MN, AIBU here or just being 'precious?'

If I am, what's the correct way when it comes to car seats?

OP posts:

G5000 · 07/01/2022 18:48

I'm really relaxed on the FF point and both of my kids were FF by 8m but in appropriate car seats.

Well sure, I'm old enough to remember my sister on the back seat in a moses basket, but I wouldn't call that appropriate.

Esssa · 07/01/2022 19:21

Joie do 3 spin options. From birth to 4ish years old. The 360 spin is FF from 9kgs. The 360 ispin is FF from 15 months. The spin safe turns but cannot be forward faced at all. They are all isofix seats so if you got the spin safe it should be impossible for them to FF her in it. I'm sure there are other brands that have something suitable but as I have the ispin I know about the Joie ones. Downside is the spin safe costs more but has extra safety testing.

Staryflight445 · 07/01/2022 19:23

If your partner is this careless it wouldn’t surprise me if your child’s straps aren’t done tight enough either.
The amount of people who don’t do them up properly and post photos on social media really give me the cringe.
Rule of thumb is they’re on properly if you could tip the car seat upside down with them in it and your child doesn’t move.

Lou98 · 07/01/2022 19:45

@Staryflight445

Yes it is op. A seat that swivels 360 would be an i size seat, and they have to be used rear facing until 15M. The other seats wouldn’t be appropriate until your baby is 9KG as a starter weight.

Not all swivel seats are isize - the ones that aren't can be FF from 9kg which plenty of 8 month olds are. My son was 9kg at 6 months.
I do agree with you that RF is safer and we'll be keeping my son RF as long as possible but it isn't true about all swivel seats being isize, my son's isn't

Lou98 · 07/01/2022 19:47

@G5000 @ffscovid while I don't personally agree with that poster having their baby FF at 8 months, any seat that isn't an isize can be FF from 9kg, my son was 9kg at 6 months so plenty of 8 month olds will be. Doesn't make it safe but there are appropriate seats for them which are legal

saraclara · 07/01/2022 20:06

Did you provide your MIL with a mirror? I found it absolutely terrifying driving with my DGD in rear facing seat. Not being able to see that she was okay was so awfully worrying and counter intuitive, as I'd always been able to see my babies/toddlers when I drove then anywhere.

I'm not excusing MIL here if the seat could not be fitted properly as a ff seat, but if you don't provide her with a means to see your baby, your argument is going to be more difficult.

Original poster

bantuknots · 07/01/2022 20:18

@saraclara that argument is invalid because if her grandm wanted to see her so badly, she could easily bought a mirror herself.
As I said, I don't drive nor do I have a car. I didn't even know these mirrors were a thing until people suggested them in the comments on here. DD's grandma also could have asked me to buy a mirror or say something about wanting to see her granddaughter whilst she's in the back.

DP could also sit with her at the back to stop her crying as she'll be seeing a familiar face but clearly he rather that he stretches out his legs in the front.

OP posts:

inheritancetrack · 07/01/2022 20:25

The mum probably wasn't aware of the safety of rear facing seats and just assumed it was put in wrong. DP should have been better informed and insisted on the correct usage.

saraclara · 07/01/2022 20:46

[quote bantuknots]@saraclara that argument is invalid because if her grandm wanted to see her so badly, she could easily bought a mirror herself.
As I said, I don't drive nor do I have a car. I didn't even know these mirrors were a thing until people suggested them in the comments on here. DD's grandma also could have asked me to buy a mirror or say something about wanting to see her granddaughter whilst she's in the back.

DP could also sit with her at the back to stop her crying as she'll be seeing a familiar face but clearly he rather that he stretches out his legs in the front.

Fwiw, whenever DD is in a cab or any type of car, she loves it. Always fall asleep during the journey and enjoys looking outside the window. How can I do anything about her crying when no one's even told me she cries whilst in the car?[/quote]
I didn't even realise that those mirrors existed, when I first had to drive alone with my DGD.

I didn't pick up that OP's partner was in the car throughout the journey from the OP. If that was the case, then yes, of course he should have sat in the back with his DC if there was no mirror.

Original poster

bantuknots · 07/01/2022 21:15

Wow. Just wow.

So DP came back with DD whilst she was asleep. His mum was waiting downstairs so he went to say by to her. Before he left I said, 'so wait is that the first time you went to put her facing forward or have you done that before?' He said, 'it was the first time....no actually we might have done it once before.'

I said how dangerous that was, it wasn't allowed in that type of car seat and his mum could get a fine if she was ever stopped. He just looked at my blankly. I said, 'you can't even strap her in properly as the seatbelt needs to go across the back of the car seat.' He got defensive and said 'she was strapped in properly. I can't remember how but they made it work.' I said, 'it's literally not possible.' He said, 'it's fine because my sister was with her in the back anyway.'
I completely forgot his sister was also in the car sitting at the back. I couldn't see her from the window so apologies for that!
It's also not as if his sister could magically save DD if they ever got into an accident anyway.

Then I said 'are you even sorry?' He said 'er yeah i'm sorry' (with a completely mI'm not sorry at all' expression on his face). I told him to get out of my house and said that his mum isn't having DD again. He just sighed and left.

I started crying when he left (think the pregnancy hormones got the better of me) but I just couldn't believe how unsorry he was when we're talking about his daughter's safety here. I know he thinks I'm overreacting. Because mummy dearest has says it's fine then it must be. What a prick!

OP posts:

Original poster

bantuknots · 07/01/2022 21:16

@inheritancetrack

The mum probably wasn't aware of the safety of rear facing seats and just assumed it was put in wrong. DP should have been better informed and insisted on the correct usage.

@inheritancetrack not a chance. They've been taking her in the car seat since she was 8 weeks old. They both know the correct way it's meant to be put in so his mum definitely didn't assume it was put in wrong. I could see she's the one who told him to turn it around!

OP posts:

DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice · 07/01/2022 21:28

Oh op I’m sorry they’re being so shitty and letting your dd down so badly. Imagine behaving like that, so “meh” about safety — with someone who is eight months old

You are completely right to be reacting strongly about this. The level of selfishness they are showing is literally lethal.

sunshineonarainyday6 · 07/01/2022 21:30

Hi all, stupid question but how do 3/4 year olds manage to fit facing backwards? I feel like my toddler is going to be so squashed by even 2/2.5 years. But obviously want to keep them as safe as possible. We have a Recaro Zero Elite car seat that has 360 rotation so do you think this would be safe from perhaps 2ish to face forwards? Thanks

SouthernFashionista · 07/01/2022 21:32

Terrifying. I actually saw a woman driving a few weeks ago. Car stopped at lights, baby of about six months sitting up in a toddler car seat in the passenger front seat facing forward. I actually stopped and stared in shock. How could she have thought it was in any way safe? Bizarre.

colourfulpuddles · 07/01/2022 21:35

@sunshineonarainyday6

It’s 5 times safer for children up to 4 years of age to rear face.

Your toddler is not squashed, nor would they be in a couple of years either.

Children’s bodies are different to ours, and they sit and place their limbs differently because their hips haven’t fully formed yet. Their legs can go anywhere - they don’t get squashed.

Maltybiscuit · 07/01/2022 21:36

@sunshineonarainyday6 I have the same seat as you and my DS will be 4 on a few weeks and is still rear facing, ill be doing it for as long as possible, my MIL always takes issue with it saying he's facing the wrong way!! I couldn't care less what she says or thinks, I've done my research and I'm happy with my decision.

sunshineonarainyday6 · 07/01/2022 21:39

Thanks @Maltybiscuit. That's good to know. Does he seem squashed as I always wonder how their legs fit rear facing at that age? How do you find the car seat generally? We are due another soon and I can't decide whether to get the same or a different car seat. I find it is a bit too upright so not great for naps, especially when they were in the smaller insert bit.

Freshhel · 07/01/2022 21:43

Although it looks uncomfortable to our adult eyes, it's actually very comfortable for toddlers to ride in a rear-facing car seat. As you know, little ones can contort themselves into all sorts of positions that would cause serious pain for adults (young kids have significantly more range of motion in their joints than older kids and adults because their joint spaces are wide open and their ligaments are looser).3 Propping their legs up on a vehicle seat, sitting cross-legged, or hanging their legs over the side of a car seat is minor in comparison.

In fact, kids more often complain in forward-facing seats because their butts fall asleep (similar to the feeling of siting on a bar stool that doesn't have a footrest). The fact that the rear-facing child has a place to put their feet—against the back of the vehicle seat—means that their legs are supported and they don't experience this discomfort.

Original poster

bantuknots · 07/01/2022 21:48

@DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice

Oh op I’m sorry they’re being so shitty and letting your dd down so badly. Imagine behaving like that, so “meh” about safety — with someone who is eight months old

You are completely right to be reacting strongly about this. The level of selfishness they are showing is literally lethal.

@DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice thank you! My mum's said the same thing and she's so annoyed at DPs reaction but at the same time she isn't surprised because of the way he worships anything his mum says. I've told him I don't want to see him next week with his disgusting attitude. I know DD will miss him but I really need him to see how serious this is

OP posts:

Maltybiscuit · 07/01/2022 22:08

@sunshineonarainyday6
He's totally fine in it, he knows no different, I'd definitely buy this seat again, I think once I turn him he might get bum ache as his legs will be dangling. He sleeps fine in it always has done and I do a fair few long car journeys, I woukdnt hesitate to buy this seat again.
Good luck

Original poster

bantuknots · 07/01/2022 22:10

@SouthernFashionista

🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

sunshineonarainyday6 · 07/01/2022 22:12

Thanks so much @Maltybiscuit. That's really good to know.

GettingItOutThere · 07/01/2022 22:34

my god i would not be able to forgive this. This isnt the first time, he actually knowingly put your daughter at risk and then smirked about it?!!

awful man. His mother would not be taking her out again thats for sure!

Foxglovers · 08/01/2022 06:51

This is so dangerous! Search ‘Moscow bus crash’ on YouTube and you will see how much safer it is to rear face in a moving vehicle at any age! Children under 4 can become internally decapitated in an accident when they face forwards as their spines are not fully formed and the weight of their head going forward if the car was hit can snap their spinal cord. I would say they cannot take her again in the car and maybe get a car seat that you can ONLY rear face. Do some simple Google searches about rear facing children in the car and the dangers of forward facing. 15 mths is the legal age but even that actually isn’t safe. YANBU

mogsrus · 08/01/2022 07:32

Forward facing. No. If the airbag went off!!!,

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