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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rear facing car seat placed front facing in DPs mum's car

135 replies

bantuknots · 07/01/2022 13:01

DD is 8 months old and uses the car seat which is group 0+ (I think that's the one anyway). It's a rear facing one and one that comes with the buggy when buying the travel system.

I don't drive so this hardly get used unless I take a cab to go somewhere which is rare. DD only really uses the car seat when her grandma (on her dad's side) picks her up for the day. Today her grandma picked her up and DP took DD downstairs in the buggy and put the car seat in the back the usual rear facing way.

I'm nosy so I always look out my window to see what's going on and because the car seat is quite bulky so sometimes it's a struggle for DP to strap her in. Anyway! I saw a few words were exchanged and DP turned DD's car seat around so she was front facing and they got ready to drive off. I called him straight away and said she can't be that way in that type of car seat and they need to change her round. I said the seat belt goes around the back of the seat, you can't just have it across her lap and that he basically hadn't strapped her in properly. He said alright then changed it back the correct way. I could see his mum had a lot to say about it (surprise surprise).

I just texted him reminding him to make sure DD is always as safe as possible and to please not do that again. He said they did it because she cries when facing the seat which made me think maybe they've done this before(?) I'm planning to speak to him when he comes back (nothing serious, more of a 'you can't do that in this type of car seat' chat) but was starting to think if I've got it wrong or if I'm being unreasonable?

I don't have a car or drive so again I don't know the law regarding these things. I did have a look on Google and Gov and it seems that to be front facing you need a different type of seat and DC has to be above a certain weight but I'm starting to doubt myself especially as his mum had something to say. So tell me MN, AIBU here or just being 'precious?'

If I am, what's the correct way when it comes to car seats?

OP posts:
Original poster
bantuknots · 07/01/2022 15:07

This is her partner and MIL purposefully and knowing incorrectly installing a baby carrier in a way so dangerous that the slightest bump could have been lethal.

I don't actually think my partner knew how dangerous it is but it's seemed that they've done this before so I don't actually care!
That's also not how the car seat is meant to be used, it's honestly common sense. Very annoyed at the both of them and they should have known better

OP posts:
colourfulpuddles · 07/01/2022 15:08

I wouldn’t allow them to take her again.

It’s 5 times safer for children up to 4 years of age to rear face.

CaveMum · 07/01/2022 15:10

Totally unacceptable. If MIL has problems getting her in/out of the seat you (or she !) can but seats that rotate to face the door to get in and out and then turn back to rear face and later to forward face.

My two were in Cybex Sirona seats that do this from about 10 months, rear facing till about 3 and then turned to forward face for about another year. They’re not cheap seats by any stretch but you do get several years use out of them.

Skeumorph · 07/01/2022 15:14

That's absolutely appalling.

It's not enough to say they/he 'didn't know'. He did know: you've been using that seat 8 months, he knows how it fits in, he knows how the seat works.

What happened was he went to fit the seat correctly and his mum overruled him in order to have things the way she prefers.

The fact that he was ok with seeing his tiny daughter driven away with a seat belt over her lap would be it - trust gone.

No more out of your sight and in MIL's care alas. She can't be trusted.

girlmom21 · 07/01/2022 15:15

@bantuknots

This is her partner and MIL purposefully and knowing incorrectly installing a baby carrier in a way so dangerous that the slightest bump could have been lethal.

I don't actually think my partner knew how dangerous it is but it's seemed that they've done this before so I don't actually care!
That's also not how the car seat is meant to be used, it's honestly common sense. Very annoyed at the both of them and they should have known better

It doesn't matter if he claims he doesn't know how dangerous it was. He's a parent. It's his job to know. You knew.
NotVictorianHonestly · 07/01/2022 15:21

They should be kept rear facing as long as possible and there's no way on earth I'd let my child front face before two at the very earliest. Even then I intend to keep them RF until 4 if at all possible.

Can you imagine if you knowingly let them forward face and then they were seriously injured or killed when they would have been much more likely to survive rear facing? Horrendous.

You can get mirrors to hang on the rear seat by the way that help baby to look around and reduce tears.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/01/2022 15:40

What a pair of idiots. Thank goodness nothing happened so far!

Original poster
bantuknots · 07/01/2022 15:41

@Skeumorph

That's absolutely appalling.

It's not enough to say they/he 'didn't know'. He did know: you've been using that seat 8 months, he knows how it fits in, he knows how the seat works.

What happened was he went to fit the seat correctly and his mum overruled him in order to have things the way she prefers.

The fact that he was ok with seeing his tiny daughter driven away with a seat belt over her lap would be it - trust gone.

No more out of your sight and in MIL's care alas. She can't be trusted.

Thank you! @Skeumorph you've put all of my thoughts into one post.

That's exactly it. He placed her down the correct way, his mum says a few words and now she's facing the front? What the actual hell. That's not okay at all.

The fact that he was ok with seeing his tiny daughter driven away with a seat belt over her lap would be it - trust gone.

This is exactly what my mum said! Both of the adults were strapped in safely but our little baby is the only one not strapped in properly? Disgusting.

I think I'll look for a new car seat that DPs mum can buy for her car. Probably a 360 one and one DD can use for a few years and will say that until his mum has bought that, she won't be picking up DD. I don't like her as it is but to put her one and only grandchild in a position where she's unsafe, it's a joke

OP posts:
Original poster
bantuknots · 07/01/2022 15:43

@girlmom21 exactly, that's my point. Imagine they had an accident and DD was worse off because they'd purposely turned her car seat around. Saying, 'I didn't know' isn't going t cut it. And thank you, I knew because it's my job to know. I don't have a car, I don't drive and yet I still knew. It's pathetic really

OP posts:
NotVictorianHonestly · 07/01/2022 15:46

But if you tell her to get a 360 car seat she'll just use it to have her rear facing, which is bloody dangerous at her age. I'm sorry to be blunt, but the chance of her surviving an is reduced by front facing.

PicaK · 07/01/2022 15:53

I'm aghast at their stupidity. Please tell me he's realised how wrong this was.

LadyDanburysHat · 07/01/2022 15:54

Honestly I wouldn't let her take your baby out again, unless when you confront them you are met with full contrition.

I can't believe anyone would do something so dangerous in this day.

Ohshitiveturnedintomymother · 07/01/2022 15:56

@Staryflight445

It’s dangerous and illegal. You cannot legally FF until 15months.
Agree that this was very dangerous, but you’re not quite right about the 15 months bit. If they are in a new model seat then yes, it is 15 months, but if you are using an older style one (eg from an older sibling or similar) then it’s 9 months
Knittingnanny2 · 07/01/2022 15:57

As a responsible grandparent who drives and does childcare regularly, this is one of the reasons I joined mumsnet, to keep up to date with current and safest practice.
As a previous poster said, we are over vigilant when looking after someone else’s precious child. There may be other decisions made by your mother in law that are not what you want, so be assertive.
I’m far more anxious to do the right things than I was with mine in the 1980’s. Moses basket loose on the back seat of the car with a seatbelt looped around. Makes me feel sick thinking about that now
Your baby, your rules. You are the only expert regarding your baby ( and your partner )

BoobsOnTheMoon · 07/01/2022 15:58

Is he your DP again now?!? Thought you were dumping his useless arse.

I'd be livid btw, that's fucking dangerous. In fact it's illegal, you should remind them that his mum is facing a fine if stopped.

Knittingnanny2 · 07/01/2022 15:59

Just to be clear, the Moses basket on the back seat was the dove thing in the early 80’s not just some random unsafe thing I chose to do!

Cherryblossoms85 · 07/01/2022 16:01

Eeek. I'm relaxed about car seats usually (once not in Group 0-1), but that's horrifically dangerous!! Your DP should know better. It's his daughter too, I'm surprised he wouldn't want to be sure he'd got it right and to explain it to his mother.

Blossom64265 · 07/01/2022 16:11

I would be insisting that a car seat be permanently installed. You want it installed without the baby in the seat so that you can insure it is done very firmly. You can get a model that uses a separate base if you want to tote around the bucket.

Original poster
bantuknots · 07/01/2022 16:13

@PicaK

I'm aghast at their stupidity. Please tell me he's realised how wrong this was.
He's not back yet. They bring her back around her bedtime but I'll definitely be updating MN once I've spoken to him. Have to keep you guys in the loop😂
OP posts:
Original poster
bantuknots · 07/01/2022 16:15

@BoobsOnTheMoon

Is he your DP again now?!? Thought you were dumping his useless arse.

I'd be livid btw, that's fucking dangerous. In fact it's illegal, you should remind them that his mum is facing a fine if stopped.

We're actually having a second baby so he's here for the long run (sigh😂)

I'll definitely be mentioning the fact that his mum could get a fine just to emphasise how dangerous it is!

OP posts:
Original poster
bantuknots · 07/01/2022 16:17

@Cherryblossoms85

Eeek. I'm relaxed about car seats usually (once not in Group 0-1), but that's horrifically dangerous!! Your DP should know better. It's his daughter too, I'm surprised he wouldn't want to be sure he'd got it right and to explain it to his mother.
I'm surprised he wouldn't want to be sure he'd got it right and to explain it to his mother

You'd think so, wouldn't you? Even a quick Google search to see if it's allowed would have sufficed. He's so quick to go along with anything his mum says. She says jump and he says how high. Clearly I need to have a conversation with him explaining his kids safety takes priority over whatever his mum is yapping away saying

OP posts:
workingtheusername · 07/01/2022 16:27

People do not take car seats seriously enough. Rear facing if an accident occurs your child's seat will take the impact so basically their brain will not get shaken. Forward facing they will jolt forward causing risk of neck injury and brain damage. In Scandinavian counties children rear face until around age of 8. The percentage of child deaths in a car in those countries is so low it's almost 0% . Uk really needs to catch up. We rear faced ds until age of 4 we got so many negative comments about it. People don't realise how much safer it is.

Staryflight445 · 07/01/2022 16:30

Probably a 360 one and one DD can use for a few years and will say that until his mum has bought that, she won't be picking up DD.

But even with that op it’s still against the law to forward face them before 15M.

Isn’t it a fine and points these days for using car seats incorrectly if caught?

Original poster
bantuknots · 07/01/2022 16:40

@Staryflight445

Probably a 360 one and one DD can use for a few years and will say that until his mum has bought that, she won't be picking up DD.

But even with that op it’s still against the law to forward face them before 15M.

Isn’t it a fine and points these days for using car seats incorrectly if caught?

But even with that op it’s still against the law to forward face them before 15M.

It isn't, I was reading up on it on Gov.uk.
The reason why I'll suggest a 360 one is so DD can still sit rear facing for now and as she gets older they can eventually turn it round to face forward. I'll still be asking them to keep it rear facing anyway

OP posts:
Luhou · 07/01/2022 16:46

Those of you commenting regarding not forward facing until 2, where your childrens legs not going up the back of the seat. My DD coming up 15months, and of course still rear facing but she's super tall and I feel like she's quite squashed?