Husband wants to move cities and I don’t, AIBU?

[Aarti96]

So, to cut a long story short, I’m from London and my DH is from Manchester. We met at uni and have been together for over 6 years. He recently moved to london when we got married and stayed with me in my family home because my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and DH wanted to be a support for me and my family. I appreciated his help so so much. Sadly, my dad passed away a few months ago.

We moved into our own rented flat because I fell pregnant and we wanted our own space. I had the baby in September and although it’s only a one bed flat, it works for now while DS is small.

We have been discussing moving out when our lease is up in the summer and buying our first home but it always ends up being an extremely heated topic.

DH thinks London is extremely expensive (which it is) and that we’d be better off moving out to the North, where house prices are cheaper. We have a large sum saved for a deposit, but our incomes are not high enough to afford a house in our current area. While I agree it may be a sensible decision to move up North, I have a lot holding me here still.

My mum is a recent widow and has been having an extremely difficult time since my dad passed away. I have been trying my best to be a support for her and having DS has really helped her mental health, as she has someone to help care for again. My dad only passed away a few months ago and I feel like it would be cruel of me to just pack up and leave. Although I would visit her as much as I could, I know inevitably it would end up being once a month if that. I would hate for her to feel alone whilst she is still grieving. On top of that, I am also still grieving and I just have this urge to be as close to my family as I possibly can during this time.

I also love London. I love everything it has to offer, it’s diversity, the opportunity. We also both have good jobs here. And I really want DS to be brought up here. DH agrees it’s a great place but he has his heart set on moving away.

I suggested to DH perhaps we should look around the outskirts of London for more affordable housing. It is difficult to find anything within our budget but I’m hoping we could at least move into a larger flat or something and then eventually be able to afford a house. It’s not our ideal situation but it would work while DS is small.

The thing is, it always turns into an argument when we discuss where we will live. I know DH is being sensible and wants us to have a comfortable life. He did also leave his family and has hardly seen them for the past two years due to covid, so I completely understand why he would want to be closer to them and I appreciate the sacrifice he has made for me and my family. I truly wouldn’t have made it through the past two years without his support. But I just don’t know if I can commit. He says I’m not prioritising our DS and I’m just staying for my mum but there are so many other reasons I want to stay.

I’m really tired of arguing and I just want us to be able to discuss this properly without it becoming so heated. I’m seriously hoping we can come to an amicable decision soon!!

I just want to know whether I’m being unreasonable to want to stay?

What would you do in my situation? Honest answers welcome.

Well I’d stay, but I live in London! So he moved to London to be with you? Or did he want to live there? What was agreed beforehand?

I can’t take sides here as you’ve both got valid points and being a northerner my instinct is to say move north because no amount of money would persuade me to live in London! What about somewhere neutral that neither of you have ties to?

@Howeverdoyouneedme so he’s always said he would love to live in London and enjoyed visiting. Then when my dad fell ill, it happened so fast that he moved here without question or discussion. But I think living here has been a big reality hit for him and he’s realised how expensive it is compared to where he was brought up.

I think the problem is we didn’t even discuss anything, he just kind of ended up living here…

Would he have moved to London had your dad not become unwell? Could you move to somewhere like the Midlands so you are more in the middle and making it cheaper to live and easier to visit both families?

You both have good reasons for wanting to move/stay so neither is unreasonable so maybe there is need for more compromise

I live in Surrey (Caterham) but am from north wales originally. So I can understand his argument - you’d get a much better standard of living - house price wise, budget wise, more money for leisure etc. That said I love living near London, I’ve been here 21yrs and go into london all the time but I still have that feeling of ooh I’m in london I’m so excited! Maybe growing up with nothing to do! The kids in my home town are still in the 1990’s, drinking in the local park. Not that like here anyway. So difficult one, but I’d vote stay!

@Whaleandsnail6 I think he might have anyway, but would’ve wanted to be more prepared before coming here (e.g saved more before moving).

Moving somewhere in the middle is a good point and we’ve considered it, but it would mean being away from any family altogether and I’m not sure if that would be good for DS, it’s a hard one…

@Darbs76 I’m a born and raised Londoner and even I get that ‘omg I’m in London’ feeling. You just can’t beat it, such an exciting place to live. I would be sad to leave it!!

Why did you have a baby before sorting this out?

Manchester is God’s Kingdom in my eyes. Wouldn’t live in London for anything!

If I moved up north, I’d to get a place large enough to provide my mum a room to stay for extended periods if she visited. Would your mum consider moving closer north if you moved?

Do either you or your DH have siblings that live near your respective parents?

Do either of you have siblings?

IMO Manchester has everything that London has. Except sunshine! I'm a southerner and have lived in both cities and preferred Manchester. Could you rent there for a bit and see if you like it?

I can’t see the point in moving to the midlands. Then both of you are miserable!

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I know, I know. Silly to be unprepared before having a baby but DS wasn’t entirely planned (ended up being the biggest blessing anyway), so we kind of had no choice but to roll with it lol

To be honest I'd park the discussion for a year. You should never make a big decision when grieving and you need a bit more time. If your lease is up in the summer I assume you'd go onto a rolling contract so have a calm discussion where you explain you are open to moving but he needs to give you more time.

I think that in a year's time you won't feel as though you are abandoning in your mum if you do move and I think you should stay close to an her for a bit.

However I think that Manchester offers a much better quality of life than London so you should be really open to it and fully explore it.

Have you considered the salaries you would earn if you worked in Manchester and not London. Yes houses are much more affordable but you do need to take the drop in salary into account.

@Namenic she might yes, but she has severe southerner mentality and hates anything that isn’t London. So I don’t know how she’d cope with staying for extended periods of time (although I’m sure she would come anyway to see DS)

@BonnesVacances yes that’s definitely a possibility. I’d want to rent before making a more permanent decision to make sure it’s right for us!

IMO few men will move locations for a partner! And see it through.

This is one where compromise is difficult. Your needs and wishes are equally important.

To add, I have been based in and around Manchester since the early 2000s. Would highly recommend it. But you need to make sure you’re not basing your ideas of affordability on London salaries.

I'm afraid I would definitely go to Manchester, or near it. I'd take a lot of time thinking about where to go - I love the Saddleworth moor villages which I know aren't Manchester but ykwim - and as a pp says I'd choose somewhere I could afford a really nice spare room for your mum to stay. I think you have the chance for a really good life there as a family.

@positivity123 thank you so much for your reply, I completely agree it feels too soon at the moment. I’m going to try to explain this to DH. He is incredibly understanding so I’m hoping he will see my side.

I feel for your Mum and think it is too soon to leave her while she is grieving. Do you have siblings? Does your DH have them?

I also am a born and bred Londoner and have lived in other major cities. Nothing compares to London! Dd1 and her family moved out an hour away to afford a home. Might that work for you rather than go up north?

Sorry about the loss of your Father. Can you wait 6 months until you discuss it again? You're still grieving so need more time really.

I was born in London but I moved out when I was 21. I love what London has to offer and I had an amazing childhood there but I much prefer where I am now. Its an affluent area but not as expensive as London and only 30mins train ride into London Victoria or Waterloo..

Personally I wouldn't go round and round re Manchester v London. I would start by finding out what sort of mortgage you could afford, get a mortgage offer, find out about the job situation and then consider schools. I know your DS is small but it took us 2 years to find somewhere we could afford/manage to buy (not London but similiar City) and then we had to do significant home improvements. We chose our home based on school catchments