Husband wants to move cities and I don’t, AIBU?

[Aarti96]

So, to cut a long story short, I’m from London and my DH is from Manchester. We met at uni and have been together for over 6 years. He recently moved to london when we got married and stayed with me in my family home because my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and DH wanted to be a support for me and my family. I appreciated his help so so much. Sadly, my dad passed away a few months ago.

We moved into our own rented flat because I fell pregnant and we wanted our own space. I had the baby in September and although it’s only a one bed flat, it works for now while DS is small.

We have been discussing moving out when our lease is up in the summer and buying our first home but it always ends up being an extremely heated topic.

DH thinks London is extremely expensive (which it is) and that we’d be better off moving out to the North, where house prices are cheaper. We have a large sum saved for a deposit, but our incomes are not high enough to afford a house in our current area. While I agree it may be a sensible decision to move up North, I have a lot holding me here still.

My mum is a recent widow and has been having an extremely difficult time since my dad passed away. I have been trying my best to be a support for her and having DS has really helped her mental health, as she has someone to help care for again. My dad only passed away a few months ago and I feel like it would be cruel of me to just pack up and leave. Although I would visit her as much as I could, I know inevitably it would end up being once a month if that. I would hate for her to feel alone whilst she is still grieving. On top of that, I am also still grieving and I just have this urge to be as close to my family as I possibly can during this time.

I also love London. I love everything it has to offer, it’s diversity, the opportunity. We also both have good jobs here. And I really want DS to be brought up here. DH agrees it’s a great place but he has his heart set on moving away.

I suggested to DH perhaps we should look around the outskirts of London for more affordable housing. It is difficult to find anything within our budget but I’m hoping we could at least move into a larger flat or something and then eventually be able to afford a house. It’s not our ideal situation but it would work while DS is small.

The thing is, it always turns into an argument when we discuss where we will live. I know DH is being sensible and wants us to have a comfortable life. He did also leave his family and has hardly seen them for the past two years due to covid, so I completely understand why he would want to be closer to them and I appreciate the sacrifice he has made for me and my family. I truly wouldn’t have made it through the past two years without his support. But I just don’t know if I can commit. He says I’m not prioritising our DS and I’m just staying for my mum but there are so many other reasons I want to stay.

I’m really tired of arguing and I just want us to be able to discuss this properly without it becoming so heated. I’m seriously hoping we can come to an amicable decision soon!!

I just want to know whether I’m being unreasonable to want to stay?

What would you do in my situation? Honest answers welcome.

NeverDropYourMooncup Those people also exist in the city too, just without the benefits of a healthy, clean and uncrowded place to live. So those villages still win out.

@Youngstreet

I lived in Bucks for 10 years and then dh ‘persuaded’ me to move to Leeds. That was 25 years ago and I still regret it. We lived in a beautiful village in Yorkshire, Leeds is a vibrant city, the dc had an idyllic childhood but I still missed and miss living near London. Nothing compares to the amenities there. If I won the lottery tomorrow I’d buy a flat in the city. Manchester is nice but it’s not London.

This doesn’t make sense. You obviously didn’t move to Leeds if you lived in a village.

Part of the problem of this thread, and perhaps the OP’s dilemma, is a miscommunication of what London or Manchester or Leeds mean.

I moved to the NW from London 20 years ago and still miss it. There’s nothing like living in one of the world’s major cities-every exhibition and show goes to London plus there are loads of free things to do. Walking on the South Bank still gives me a buzz when I visit.
That said, life is easier here. We love wild countryside-mountains and forests and you don’t get that anywhere near London! Although traffic is heavy around Manchester, it doesn’t even compare to the SE 20 years ago let alone now. Depending on your jobs, salaries can still be high if you’re in the right sector. My son lives in the centre of Manchester and lives the kind of life I did when young in London-there is no way he could afford his lifestyle in the SE. I love to visit him-walking around the canals, heading into Spinningfields or the latest exhibition. There are very nice Manchester suburbs where you can get much more for your money than even Zone 4. Trams into the centre. Grammar schools if that’s your thing. And access to wonderful landscapes within an hour.
Lots to think about-my focus would be on jobs, the opportunities and salary level up here and how they compare. And don’t forget the weather-it is a bit cooler and wetter!

Sorry, but I am with your DH
He made sacrifices for you.
Time to repay him.

Don't move. You will end up resenting your DH. Also London is great to raise kids with lots of opportunities and diversity

I think delaying for 6 months/a year is a good idea.

Dh and I had the same dilemma. Dh is from the North. I'm born and bred London. Luckily we both wanted to stay here. We had to move to a different part of London to afford it.

@CurtainTroubles I think it's possible to live in the suburbs, it's not just one extreme (London) or another (remote country town). I argue you get as much culture and diversity with the benefits by living in the suburbs. Close enough to the city but not so far remote. Though I do prefer driving and HATED relying on public transport, so I'd drive even in London.

Those people also exist in the city too, just without the benefits of a healthy, clean and uncrowded place to live. So those villages still win out

It really didn't matter to DP when he was getting a kicking for being 'a freak' for having slightly longer hair and wearing a biker jacket that the bus stop he was being beaten up at had amazing views over moorland, to be honest. Or that a river ran through the village - his concern was that he was going to be kicked unconscious and then tipped into it to drown.

I could not move to Manchester from London because it's just not the same probably the same if you come from Manchester going the other way. But there is a middle ground! Not everywhere commutable to London is so expensive you can never afford to live there. I'd reach an agreement that you're willing to move somewhere commutable to London but allows for train links to Manchester.

Milton Keynes is a cheaper area that is on the train line that could allow you to go visit both areas. Commuting to London is common from MK and your mum would still be able to visit.

Is there a compromise. We move in x amount of time (for your dmum to get around to the idea) then we will live there for x amount of years and review. By then you will either love it and made friends or hate it. You ds will still be young enough to not notice the difference from living one place to the next if the agreement is to move back in say 2/3 years if it’s not for you.
Fwiw neither of you is being unreasonable.

I lost my Dad three years ago and I live two hours from my DM and find going to and from her so often (or having her to stay!) quite exhausting. They used to visit me a lot by car but the onus is now more on me to travel as DM doesn't drive. I would not be moving away from my DM if I lived near her and had a baby to distract her as quite honestly, it is really tough having a bereaved parent and when she is feeling lonely and sad it affects my mood too. I also know from my own DM, who lived four hours from hersz how difficult the distance is in their late life. Plus, having moved from my own home town, how hard it is and the lack of identity I felt/feel in my new city.

Christ, sorry for the depressing post. Basically I can see your POV! (Even though I love Manchester).

Omg.
I'm in the opposite situation except the grief (sorry for your loss OP)

I'm from Manchester. Dh is a Londoner. I've been down here 10 years.

He wants to move up north for bigger house etc.
I don't define my quality of life of space inside even with two children. We have a small house massive garden. But my dh wants god knows.

If I'm honest I also want my children to have southern accents and MANCHESTER IS NOTHING LIKE LONDON. I go once a month to visit family and love coming back.

I think in your situations see the lease out and take your dh around London more.
And don't make rash decision.
Why should you live somewhere and resent him?

I am your dh in this scenario. Moved to Cambridge to be with dh (he already owned a house and had a good job) and I was straight out of uni. His 'promise' of two years until he moved up the next rung of the career ladder ended up being 15 years. In that time I had dc and did a doctorate in London so not all bad! I absolutely love London and see the appeal, but having studied then worked there I've seen enough of it to know that I would only live there if I could afford to live in a nice area and at least a 3 bed house with a garden. Whilst we probably could've afforded that, for me I didn't want to spend my life paying off a huge mortgage and having a poor quality of life. Cambridge was expensive too though, but we had a nice enough house.

Lockdown put a lot of things into perspective and my dh eventually came around to the idea of moving 'up north' to be near my family. Best decision we ever made. We're all so much happier. Both found jobs (on higher salaries) which we weren't expecting. We're mortgage free, bigger house than what we had, near my family so my only dc has cousins. Schools way better than where dc was before. We're right by sea but 10 minutes into a city. Being in Cambridge 1.5 hours from the sea made me realise how much I'd missed it.

Like others have said you've had a lot going on and I'm sorry for your loss. I think in the long term both parties have to find common ground though and both be happy with your decision. I realised once dh agreed to move back that I'd been holding a lot of resentment towards him for many years. Since the move our marriage has never been stronger. Good luck and I'm sure you'll work it out between you

That’s very honest of you.

I'm sure I haven't missed this but you've not said a guide on what you can afford for a home

I know London is expensive, I live just outside in the suburbs with a non London postcode but I can't really understand/answer your question if I don't know what you can spend on housing.

Of course non of my business but I personally cannot answer without it

Hi OP, came across this as I’m in the same predicament. We have 2DCs in a 2 bed flat that we own in zone 2. We could afford to move to a small ish 3 bed within zone 2-4 but he’s wants to raise the kids outside of London for a better quality of life. Like you we always end up in an argument. Anyway I just wanted to write on here and hopefully see where you landed with your decision.
to add as well my DPs live very nearby so another reason I don’t want to leave!

Hi @Cardboardkiddo
I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same position.
If it gives you any comfort, we are in a much better place now.
DH actually got an amazing job opportunity in London (across the city but still in London) which forced us to face our issues and make a decision.
We both realised that the opportunity was too good to pass up and have decided this is where we want to stay for now.
I guess sometimes big life decisions force you to come to an agreement. Although I know he’d rather not live here, he appreciates that our quality of life and opportunities are much better here.
I think as partners we have a much better understanding of each other now.
It takes time, I hope you and your DH can work through it too.

I have never lived in Manchester, but I have heard it is a fabulous city, I have lived in London when I was much younger.

I would consider moving to Manchester for all the reasons your DH has suggested, but make it a 3/4/5 year plan. You say the flat suits you at the moment

I would try and spend some time in Manchester to get a feel for it. So the only consideration would be wether you need to be close to your Mum. This is assuming that both of you are more ‘settled’ over the death of your father. I know grieving is different for different people.

I am getting divorced soon, and I am happy to move closer to my Dd. Do you think your mum would ever consider this?

I’m from the North and have lived in Greater London for over 20 years and have older kids one at uni. There is no way I would move back up North as someone further up put it the kids of my friends still there are stuck in the 1990’s….
The only advantage would be a larger house with a smaller mortgage…..
I love the cultural mix, the opportunities, just different people, always something to do, the transport!
Its actually hard to fully explain…. I like living somewhere that has movement of people.. where I am originally from I would describe as a ‘dead town’ full of the same people doing the same things they have done for the last 30 years… I find it depressing. Obviously I like some aspects but nothing at all would make me move away! My kids love where they live and so much to do and I feel they have more life experience and are mature for their age…
I don’t envy you having to make this decision good luck..

Well I have lived in London and the North and I am much happier in the North for a variety of reasons.
But it's a decision noone else but you and your partner can make. Moving is always hard. You need to sit down and talk about it calmly. Would you be able to get jobs if you moved? Have you spoken to your mother about how she feels? Before you make a decision you also need to spend time in the city you are thinking of moving to.