Husband wants to move cities and I don’t, AIBU?

[Aarti96]

So, to cut a long story short, I’m from London and my DH is from Manchester. We met at uni and have been together for over 6 years. He recently moved to london when we got married and stayed with me in my family home because my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and DH wanted to be a support for me and my family. I appreciated his help so so much. Sadly, my dad passed away a few months ago.

We moved into our own rented flat because I fell pregnant and we wanted our own space. I had the baby in September and although it’s only a one bed flat, it works for now while DS is small.

We have been discussing moving out when our lease is up in the summer and buying our first home but it always ends up being an extremely heated topic.

DH thinks London is extremely expensive (which it is) and that we’d be better off moving out to the North, where house prices are cheaper. We have a large sum saved for a deposit, but our incomes are not high enough to afford a house in our current area. While I agree it may be a sensible decision to move up North, I have a lot holding me here still.

My mum is a recent widow and has been having an extremely difficult time since my dad passed away. I have been trying my best to be a support for her and having DS has really helped her mental health, as she has someone to help care for again. My dad only passed away a few months ago and I feel like it would be cruel of me to just pack up and leave. Although I would visit her as much as I could, I know inevitably it would end up being once a month if that. I would hate for her to feel alone whilst she is still grieving. On top of that, I am also still grieving and I just have this urge to be as close to my family as I possibly can during this time.

I also love London. I love everything it has to offer, it’s diversity, the opportunity. We also both have good jobs here. And I really want DS to be brought up here. DH agrees it’s a great place but he has his heart set on moving away.

I suggested to DH perhaps we should look around the outskirts of London for more affordable housing. It is difficult to find anything within our budget but I’m hoping we could at least move into a larger flat or something and then eventually be able to afford a house. It’s not our ideal situation but it would work while DS is small.

The thing is, it always turns into an argument when we discuss where we will live. I know DH is being sensible and wants us to have a comfortable life. He did also leave his family and has hardly seen them for the past two years due to covid, so I completely understand why he would want to be closer to them and I appreciate the sacrifice he has made for me and my family. I truly wouldn’t have made it through the past two years without his support. But I just don’t know if I can commit. He says I’m not prioritising our DS and I’m just staying for my mum but there are so many other reasons I want to stay.

I’m really tired of arguing and I just want us to be able to discuss this properly without it becoming so heated. I’m seriously hoping we can come to an amicable decision soon!!

I just want to know whether I’m being unreasonable to want to stay?

What would you do in my situation? Honest answers welcome.

I'm from South East, ans have lived in North West for the last 5 years. I personally could not offer my DD the lifestyle she has if we lived in the SE, detatched house, large garden, great schools and the fact I am a SAHM. I think try not to look at it as here and there but more two lifestyles. Perhaps look at train routes from London to NW, in some areas there's a direct 2hr train

London is one of those places you either love or loathe I think. I lived there for a few years and loathed it, but I grew up in the countryside.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable - the hard part is finding a compromise that works for both of you. Is Birmingham worth considering perhaps? Your mum could also move to where ever you go if she wants to as well.

There are some reasonable deals for first time buyers around outer London, it could be worth looking into them. Yes, you would probably have to buy smaller than you would in the North, but it would hold its value and put you in a good position if you decide to move later.

I see both sides but the reality of being in the family stage of life for me is something I think you need to consider.

I'm genuinely shocked at the realities of being a teenager in London and I'm not some pearl clutching uptight lady. It's different and a bit too brutal for me, even if you live in a nice, safe leafy area and the kids are at private school. And it's not just about violence or gangs or postcodes it's about your children mixing with people with very different morals to you (I'm thinking of north London types who leave 14/15 year olds home alone all weekend with very relaxed attitudes to drink and drugs).

And then there's the consideration of extended family and cousins for your child. This can be so important to a child too.

London is great, really amazing but I wouldn't raise a family there. I might stay there until school and then move to Manchester (which I love), and then reassess after.

Does it need to be Manchester?

I live in Shrewsbury, one of the mums at school is from London, but moved up North. Her DH got a job in Shrewsbury, and wanted to buy a home where he could get more for his money. Anyway within two years her parents retired, cashed in on their London property, and moved to Shrewsbury too.

I wouldn't dismiss the idea, but think you need a few recce visits, and look at logistics with jobs etc.

I’m from The North (about 40 mins from Manchester) and I am totally biased. Despite enjoying visiting London I enjoy leaving as well!
I could never live in London but I can get there by train in under 3 hours and both Manchester and (to a lesser extent) Leeds have so much to offer these days in terms of jobs and leisure.
I would choose Manchester in a heartbeat but I appreciate that you would be moving away from your Mum

Moving out of london is like moving to a different country. After a 2 year trial of living up north where my husband is from i told him i was moving back to London- with or without him. We had a a huge and beautiful old house with 4 bedrooms and a massive garden close to the city centre. But space is overrated to me and didn’t ‘improve’ my standard of living. Also, the garden was used 3 times a year northern weather permitting and gardening is my idea of hell, so it was a boring chore. I prefer my cosy flat by the river, close to everything that the world has to offer.
Do not move if you love London.

Ho OP. What stands out for me here, is that you have had a baby and a bereavement in a short time. This makes you prone to PND potentially and your husband doesn’t need to be putting additional pressure on you at this time. At the moment, you have the mutual support between you and your mum. The worst thing with a new baby is to feel isolated and I fear you might do in Manchester where you would know nobody.

On the other hand, it’s easy to join baby groups and if you are starting a family, it’s the easiest time to integrate into a new area (once they start school etc).

I can see how a larger house would be appealing but really, if you are bored or not happy in an area, the size of the house is meaningless. Also bear in mind, once you have left London, it may well be very difficult to move back in, if the property price gap continues to widen? You have to think long-term about where to invest your money. If you can get on the London property ladder it may give you more options in the future if house prices rocket again post-Covid?

Being the person on the other side, ( wanting to move and not from the area) I think you are stalling him. It might be ‘oh the baby is settled in nursery now’, ‘oh now they are happy in school and have little friends’, ‘my mother is really lonely’ then it goes on and on and then you have another baby and you can’t move and it keeps being dragged out. Then years have gone by and it just never happens.

It is absolutely heartbreaking to be the other person and being led along like this.
If you don’t ever want to move, have an honest conversation and tell him you love London and are never going to move. All the very best.

I would move north in a heartbeat. Manchester especially.

I agree with 3luckystars, too - it sounds like you're set on staying permanently if you want to bring DS up there, talk of moving up the ladder 'eventually'. I think you need to be honest with your DH if long-term you don't see yourself leaving at all and aren't willing to compromise on that - that's your prerogative but I think he needs to know exactly, not "We'll see in a year" when you don't seem keen at all. He might spend the next year thinking about being excited to be near his family, in somewhere he really loves etc, and if you drag your heels in 12 months it's going to feel like a betrayal - and you'll be less inclined to leave because you've had longer in London, got more settled, met people at baby groups, gone back to work, etc etc.

Put it on the table now: "I don't see myself moving outside the M25 while DS is at school" or whatever your actual feelings are, even if you think they're not what we wants to hear. Better to have that conversation now than in a year if you aren't going to change your mind - and based on the fact it doesn't seem to be about your dad's loss and more just about London generally, the lifestyle, where your bring DS up, it doesn't seem like you will ultimately.

Good post HausMaus

It’s too soon after your dad’s death. Give it a year. Agree with your DP that you will pause the discussion for a year and not return to it - otherwise it will become this constant background niggle which will chip away at you both.

Then see how things look in a year’s time - your mum should at least be through the first year of widowhood and starting to settle into her ‘new normal’.

Can you extend your current lease or rent somewhere larger for another year to buy you some time to resolve this amicably? COVID has made normal stuff like visiting family and travel difficult. You may end up making a long term decision based on out of the ordinary needs. Your Mum will also be more settled in a year too.

@3luckystars thank you for your reply and for helping me see a different perspective. I completely see how I could be stalling DH, the thing is I’m on the fence myself so I don’t even know what the right decision is just yet. I definitely think we need to give it more time and not rush into anything at the moment.

I spoke with DH last night and we had our first ‘normal’ conversation about it (I.e. no arguing lol) and he agreed that it’s too soon to make such a big move and he’s happy to just extend our lease for another year.

Thank you everyone for your advice, it really helped me approach this conversation with DH!

@housemaus yes I know, it doesn’t look good on my part. I feel like I have ‘led him on’ ever so slightly with not being 100% honest.

I know I mentioned the London lifestyle, and wanting to bring up DS here but I also know DS would probably have a better life up north. We could give him much much more. So, I’m open to it, really I am. But I’m just not ready to make that decision in 6 months time. I’m hoping another year will give us time to really think about it and see what our options are!

If you’re a dyed in the wool London lover, please, please do not Move northwards. You’ll be so unhappy.

That seems a good plan OP.

DH and I are Southerners who moved North due to studying and met and remained and have zero regrets.

London has great museums, galleries and theatres but how often do you go along?

Same for all those great ethnic restaurants, how often do you go?

The one thing you have there is family but he also has family. One of you will always be peeved at the other because only one of you can live really close to family. That’s the rub unless one of you suddenly has a huge change of heart which I don’t think either of you will.

DH is from London, I grew up in a really tiny town that is almost classed as a village. We have settled in a large market town with a major city a 30 minute drive and open countryside a 15 minute walk away.

I feel for you as we've been where you are and have settled on London. We've lived in both. In the end one of us felt more strongly (him). I don't think anyone can advise you really and pros and cons lists won't get you very far. Wait for the dust to settle and rent in Manchester for a year. It really is the only way of getting the vibe of a place. I know its a cliche to say it but try and live in Didsbury as there really is a London feel to the place and a lot of Londoners. It feels like East Dulwich or Wanstead. It's very easy to get to the city centre from there and is handy for the airport and the M6 side of Manchester if you are driving up to London.
There are lots of other Mumsnet threads covering Manchester v London, some of which date to when the BBC moved to Media City. Manchester is smaller but it has an 'on the up' feel to it. The university gives it a young feel with lots going on. It's smaller and is lacking in the big green park space London has.
A biggy for me is transport and here London wins hands down. You can criss cross London easily and cheaply and live comfortably car free. Manchester not so much. All credit to Mayor Burnham but the transport infrastructure has a long way to go. If you've just bought a pass on a Diamond bus and you're standing at a stop in the rain, don't expect to hop on to the next First Bus or Magic Bus that comes along. Your ticket is only valid on a Diamond bus.
You have to negotiate a crap ring road and busy motorways to get to most of the great countryside. There aren't great public transport options for most of this.
Go and rent for a year and you might never look back.

Your husband is right. Moving out of London would be better for your son imo. I wouldn't want to raise a child there. It would be better to raise him in the suburbs rather than dirty over-crowded London. Healthier too. Just my opinion.

Neither of you is unreasonable. Could you compromise and agree to try life up north but in two years time? So your DM is more accustomed to widowhood and DS still won’t have started school?

The months after a baby is born is not the time to make major long term life decisions!

If you did move to Manchester would your DM consider moving to live near you?

I couldn’t leave my mother in that scenario

Extending the least for another 6 months/year is a good decision. It means it is not a sudden departure for your mother and you can build her up to the idea.

@nodogz

I see both sides but the reality of being in the family stage of life for me is something I think you need to consider.

I'm genuinely shocked at the realities of being a teenager in London and I'm not some pearl clutching uptight lady. It's different and a bit too brutal for me, even if you live in a nice, safe leafy area and the kids are at private school. And it's not just about violence or gangs or postcodes it's about your children mixing with people with very different morals to you (I'm thinking of north London types who leave 14/15 year olds home alone all weekend with very relaxed attitudes to drink and drugs).

And then there's the consideration of extended family and cousins for your child. This can be so important to a child too.

London is great, really amazing but I wouldn't raise a family there. I might stay there until school and then move to Manchester (which I love), and then reassess after.

DP experienced people with very different morals (cruelty to animals, drink driving, underage drinking, Heroin use, beating up teenagers who didn't conform in some way including having physical disabilities, etc) in the sort of picturesque village that people aspire to move to from across the country. It was just brutality with better scenery for the grown ups.