Husband wants to move cities and I don’t, AIBU?

[Aarti96]

So, to cut a long story short, I’m from London and my DH is from Manchester. We met at uni and have been together for over 6 years. He recently moved to london when we got married and stayed with me in my family home because my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and DH wanted to be a support for me and my family. I appreciated his help so so much. Sadly, my dad passed away a few months ago.

We moved into our own rented flat because I fell pregnant and we wanted our own space. I had the baby in September and although it’s only a one bed flat, it works for now while DS is small.

We have been discussing moving out when our lease is up in the summer and buying our first home but it always ends up being an extremely heated topic.

DH thinks London is extremely expensive (which it is) and that we’d be better off moving out to the North, where house prices are cheaper. We have a large sum saved for a deposit, but our incomes are not high enough to afford a house in our current area. While I agree it may be a sensible decision to move up North, I have a lot holding me here still.

My mum is a recent widow and has been having an extremely difficult time since my dad passed away. I have been trying my best to be a support for her and having DS has really helped her mental health, as she has someone to help care for again. My dad only passed away a few months ago and I feel like it would be cruel of me to just pack up and leave. Although I would visit her as much as I could, I know inevitably it would end up being once a month if that. I would hate for her to feel alone whilst she is still grieving. On top of that, I am also still grieving and I just have this urge to be as close to my family as I possibly can during this time.

I also love London. I love everything it has to offer, it’s diversity, the opportunity. We also both have good jobs here. And I really want DS to be brought up here. DH agrees it’s a great place but he has his heart set on moving away.

I suggested to DH perhaps we should look around the outskirts of London for more affordable housing. It is difficult to find anything within our budget but I’m hoping we could at least move into a larger flat or something and then eventually be able to afford a house. It’s not our ideal situation but it would work while DS is small.

The thing is, it always turns into an argument when we discuss where we will live. I know DH is being sensible and wants us to have a comfortable life. He did also leave his family and has hardly seen them for the past two years due to covid, so I completely understand why he would want to be closer to them and I appreciate the sacrifice he has made for me and my family. I truly wouldn’t have made it through the past two years without his support. But I just don’t know if I can commit. He says I’m not prioritising our DS and I’m just staying for my mum but there are so many other reasons I want to stay.

I’m really tired of arguing and I just want us to be able to discuss this properly without it becoming so heated. I’m seriously hoping we can come to an amicable decision soon!!

I just want to know whether I’m being unreasonable to want to stay?

What would you do in my situation? Honest answers welcome.

I am from Manchester but I moved to London when I was 25 (25 years ago). I was always very aware of the difference between myself and my northern friends in terms of what housing we could afford. I was in my one bedroom flat until my late 30s whereas my friends were in three and four bedroom houses a decade earlier.

But I worked in a professional capacity in the financial services industry and there simply weren’t the opportunities for me in Manchester, so I never considered moving back. It was the main factor in my decision, not clear if it would be an important factor for you.

I think that your recent bereavement is a good reason to postpone any decision for now, you don’t have to move as soon as your lease finishes, you can roll it forward. Long term though, I don’t think it is a fair reason to stay in London (or surrounds) as naturally your DH will be bereaved at some point too. I think when there is a family tie both ways, it sort of cancels each other out and you need to consider other aspects of the move, not which extended family matters most (I am not suggesting you are doing that, I am just explaining what I mean by cancelling out that factor).

Neither of you are unreasonable. There is an argument for either option. It really doesn't matter if we prefere Manchester or London. It could be Slough or Middlesborough. It's not about stuff. It's about "home" feeling. It's about a lifestyle. It's about ot of untangible things. Location has a massive effect on happiness for some people. While others can live anywhere.

Me and my bf are in the middle of similar argument and it's really difficult. Sometimes I just say fuck it and decide that I'll move. But then sometimes I really feel anxious about the idea.

Where did you go to university? Is that somewhere that you would consider going back to if it's cheaper than London?

I came here to say wait a bit, you're not ready but it looks like you've concluded that so good! For me it would be Manchester, but you're right it's too soon when you're grieving and being close to your mum is important right now. There is no rush, I don't think buying anywhere now is right as you're not sure where. The middle would be awful, you don't know anyone. Maybe in a few years your Mum might be up for a change and think about coming with you to Manchester, but that's all far far you soon, and it must be exhausting to fight about all the time. You've been through so much, you have permission to take the pressure off yourself!

@DeepaBeesKit - I’m in zone 6, my local station is Upper Warlingham and it’s 30 mins on a direct train into London Victoria, not bad atall and I commuted to Westminster for 3yrs at one point (now office based in Croydon so closer). The house prices are still expensive, obviously cheaper than central london but much more expensive than Manchester of course.

I moved out of London to make a man happy. Biggest regret of my life.

As regards your mum and brother, it’s not good you’re in the ‘mediator’ role and it’d be good to reflect on and change that. His and your mum’s relationship is a matter for them. Your intervention may well not help and may affect your relationships with them.

Similarly, supporting and spending time with your mum is one consideration, among many.

You say you’re concerned that living away from your family could be ‘bad for DS’. This seems unlikely: it’d just be his normality. Being close by to your family (DS’ extended family) would be an advantage of London for you/DS, but again is one consideration among many.

DH and I disagreed on where to live and it took us 3 years or so to decide. In the end the three factors we gave most weight to were: housing costs/options, jobs and our commutes to jobs, and schools.

What age is DS? If he’s a baby or young toddler you have some more time (assuming you want to be close to a popular school before primary admissions).

I do agree though that the suburbs are very unLondon. The benefits for me are good schools and access to beautiful countryside. Some amazing dog walks around here and more local green space than the area of North Wales I grew up in. I’d love to live in central london one day. Doubt I could afford it as a civil servant though! The benefits for me living in the suburbs is it’s cheaper than central london and I’m in town in 30 mins on a direct train. Since the pandemic I’ve really been making the most of london too, been to the theatre so many times and enjoying the london parks in the summer months.

Your main issue is the jobs, you say you both have good jobs. Are you likely to be able to get comparable jobs up north. Even if you did the wages are likely to be lower? It’s unlikely you’d both find jobs at the same time so for one of you it would mean moving without a job and hopefully get something down the line. Which would worry me.

I lived in Bucks for 10 years and then dh ‘persuaded’ me to move to Leeds.
That was 25 years ago and I still regret it.
We lived in a beautiful village in Yorkshire, Leeds is a vibrant city, the dc had an idyllic childhood but I still missed and miss living near London.
Nothing compares to the amenities there.
If I won the lottery tomorrow I’d buy a flat in the city.
Manchester is nice but it’s not London.

Yes London is expensive. But it has lots of job opportunities. We've managed to stay put since we moved here after university despite having lots of different jobs. That's meant the kids have had the stability of not moving about the country / changing schools / finding new friends etc.. That's meant a lot to me.

I think it’s perfectly fair to stay put – for now. You’ve had a baby and a bereavement, both during a pandemic. Adding a cross-country move is another stress that could have a huge negative mental health impact, particularly when it takes you away from a support network that includes your mum.

I do think you’ll change your mind once the baby is mobile and the toys get bigger! Could you explain that you’re not saying no forever, but you want to park all discussion - no “look at this place on Rightmove” or “if we lived there…” asides - for 18 months then you’re happy to revisit the idea.

You no longer get quite such bang for your buck when it comes to housing by moving north, as Covid and remote working has pushed prices everywhere.

I wouldn’t make any big decision now as you are still grieving.

I grew up in zone 6, but have lived in Manchester for 18 years, came here with my now wife after graduation (went to uni in the midlands). Honestly never regretted it. Manchester is a brilliant city. London is great to visit, but I would never move back. We could never afford our lifestyle there. We have a lovely house with a big garden in a nice suburb, loads for our DS to do, plenty of money left over to afford to do it.

Don't make the decision now. Its a difficult decision. Why is he getting " so heated?"
This rings alarm bells.

London doesn't really offer me anything Manchester couldn't. Imo it's much better located, has good public transport links to north and south. Plus it's near other decent cities like Liverpool, York, Leeds, 1.5 hrs from the Lakes, closer to other national parks like the Dales, Peak District, Scotland

This.

I'm a Londoner, I had to make the decision to move out when I bought my first property, that was zone 6. I'm now further out,, we still go in and I still love it but trains from Manchester are probably cheaper! I was based in Manchester for a couple of years for work and genuinely loved it as a city, it's not the same as London but it's got lots things that appeal in the same way and feels so compact by comparison. If I was going to move to another city it would be Manchester. Maybe come to a compromise that in six months or so you will move to Manchester for two years, rent don't buy. Then make a decision before your DC is school age.

Look at long term practicalities. Can you afford to buy a family home in london? Are you going to have another DC? Will you need paid childcare or will your DM / his family help? What about nurseries/ schools? Have you looked into catchments in the areas? Have you actually compared houses? What about both of your careers? Compare salaries/ opportunities?

No one can answer on here without knowing all of this.

Write up a pros and cons list. That usually makes it pretty clear.

I think its too early after your Dad's death for you to make a Dec. Could you not put this on hold for a year?

I'm leaning towards Manchester though, it sounds like you will never be able to the sort of housing you want and need where you are.

Manchester is so expensive these days! It wouldn't be a massive saving to move there.

The difference is huge compared to london.

My cousin bought a lovely 4 bed house in a nice part of manchester on 2 teachers salaries (upper pay scale/heads of depts). The same type of house in a comparable part of London would have cost double and was absolutely not affordable by my sister & husband, two London based teachers in near identical role to the manchester pair.

I can see both sides.

It’s natural for you to want to be close to your mum, at such a difficult time for you all.

Have you discussed a potential move with your mum? Would there be a possibility that she could relocate too?

I have seen this situation with friends over the years, when couples come from opposite ends of the country. Often DH relents to stay where DW is comfortable living, a friend of mine lived near her parents for quite some years, then her DH insisted that they moved to where he came from, his argument was, I have lived near your parent, now I want to live near mine and for financial reasons, they needed a bigger home and just could not afford it locally. My friend moved and is very happy, her parents were absolutely heartbroken through, as they miss their GC so much, but they have adjusted and are very regular visitors.

Ultimately you need to do what’s right for you and your family, things like this always involve a lot of compromise, perhaps you could agree to stay in London for a year or so and they see how you both feel. It sound like you have had a lot of change over the past year. So probably not the best time to make such a big decision.

Good luck going forward.

@DeepaBeesKit - I’m in zone 6, my local station is Upper Warlingham and it’s 30 mins on a direct train into London Victoria, not bad atall and I commuted to Westminster for 3yrs at one point (now office based in Croydon so closer). The house prices are still expensive, obviously cheaper than central london but much more expensive than Manchester of course.

Exactly my point though, to be in the outer suburbs with the better train connections etc is £££.

Also that 30 min train, that's probably the fastest commuter service? How long is the journey on say, a sunday? The problem with zone 5/6 is if you live on one side of london and friends on another, the total journey to get to each other can be like 1h 20 or 30 when you factor in waiting for connections and changing train in the centre.

Oh no. You’ve both got valid points. Sadly I had a relationship with a guy from London and I’m from Manchester myself . He wanted to move Home and I didn’t as I personally hate London so in the end we split over it. The north is so much cheaper house wise but jobs pay less. I hope you make the right choice for your family.

Agree with others it’s too soon, but your DH has made a huge commitment to you to move into your parents house to support you during your father’s cancer. Many men wouldn’t do that. I would show a similar sacrifice and give Manchester a try for a year or 2 maybe in a year or 2’s time. Saying a flat no I imagine is intensely frustrating for him, hence your arguments.

They say you shouldn’t make any big changes within a year of a big bereavement so I think the best thing would be to sign a lease for another year and have this conversation again in 9 months