Husband wants to move cities and I don’t, AIBU?

[Aarti96]

So, to cut a long story short, I’m from London and my DH is from Manchester. We met at uni and have been together for over 6 years. He recently moved to london when we got married and stayed with me in my family home because my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and DH wanted to be a support for me and my family. I appreciated his help so so much. Sadly, my dad passed away a few months ago.

We moved into our own rented flat because I fell pregnant and we wanted our own space. I had the baby in September and although it’s only a one bed flat, it works for now while DS is small.

We have been discussing moving out when our lease is up in the summer and buying our first home but it always ends up being an extremely heated topic.

DH thinks London is extremely expensive (which it is) and that we’d be better off moving out to the North, where house prices are cheaper. We have a large sum saved for a deposit, but our incomes are not high enough to afford a house in our current area. While I agree it may be a sensible decision to move up North, I have a lot holding me here still.

My mum is a recent widow and has been having an extremely difficult time since my dad passed away. I have been trying my best to be a support for her and having DS has really helped her mental health, as she has someone to help care for again. My dad only passed away a few months ago and I feel like it would be cruel of me to just pack up and leave. Although I would visit her as much as I could, I know inevitably it would end up being once a month if that. I would hate for her to feel alone whilst she is still grieving. On top of that, I am also still grieving and I just have this urge to be as close to my family as I possibly can during this time.

I also love London. I love everything it has to offer, it’s diversity, the opportunity. We also both have good jobs here. And I really want DS to be brought up here. DH agrees it’s a great place but he has his heart set on moving away.

I suggested to DH perhaps we should look around the outskirts of London for more affordable housing. It is difficult to find anything within our budget but I’m hoping we could at least move into a larger flat or something and then eventually be able to afford a house. It’s not our ideal situation but it would work while DS is small.

The thing is, it always turns into an argument when we discuss where we will live. I know DH is being sensible and wants us to have a comfortable life. He did also leave his family and has hardly seen them for the past two years due to covid, so I completely understand why he would want to be closer to them and I appreciate the sacrifice he has made for me and my family. I truly wouldn’t have made it through the past two years without his support. But I just don’t know if I can commit. He says I’m not prioritising our DS and I’m just staying for my mum but there are so many other reasons I want to stay.

I’m really tired of arguing and I just want us to be able to discuss this properly without it becoming so heated. I’m seriously hoping we can come to an amicable decision soon!!

I just want to know whether I’m being unreasonable to want to stay?

What would you do in my situation? Honest answers welcome.

[quote Aarti96]@Howeverdoyouneedme so he’s always said he would love to live in London and enjoyed visiting. Then when my dad fell ill, it happened so fast that he moved here without question or discussion. But I think living here has been a big reality hit for him and he’s realised how expensive it is compared to where he was brought up.

I think the problem is we didn’t even discuss anything, he just kind of ended up living here…[/quote]
Where would you both work?

Are there jobs in your fields in Manchester?

I am a Londoner through and through, so...

In all seriousness, I think a PP's suggestion to park the decision for an agreed period until the dust has a chance to settle is probably the most practical idea. Also, what would be the job situation if you moved north?

@sunshinesupermum I have a younger brother but he isn’t mature enough yet to be an emotional support for my mum and they have a strained relationship. I am sort of a mediator between the two of them so would hate to think how they’d be if I wasn’t around.

My DH has a large family and lots of siblings!!

I really would love to move to the outskirts, definitely need to raise this with DH again and look at our options.

You need to take a long-ish term look at your lives together and your DS. How many DCs do you want and so how big a property will you need and can afford? What about your current and future jobs? Can you both have decent careers in Manchester or London if you met at Uni? Your marriage is also about your respective working lives and whether you will be returning to work, FT/PT etc etc.

I lived in London Zone 1 for 20 years. Neither DH and I were Londoners, but we absolutely loved it. Never wanted to commute though! It was very hard to move away, but both of us WFH FT with 3xDCs under 10 in lockdown in a 2 bedroom terrace meant we had to reassess. Secondary schools were also problematic.

I also know quite a few grandparents who have moved 100s of miles away to be closer to grandchildren rather than the other way around. Would your mum consider following you out of London?

Theres a London Manchester Trainline so could you pick halfway? With times across London for travel it might not work out much further than living in the outer reaches anyway and it is a LOT cheaper.

Manchester is great but no one could seriously claim it has everything that London has. London is a global capital city.

Yes, it does depend on what you're looking for. But I look for museums, galleries, theatres (all the shows visit Manchester), concerts (ditto), arthouses, independent cinemas, all the shops I need, bars, restaurants. So for me, London doesn't really offer me anything Manchester couldn't. Imo it's much better located, has good public transport links to north and south. Plus it's near other decent cities like Liverpool, York, Leeds, 1.5 hrs from the Lakes, closer to other national parks like the Dales, Peak District, Scotland. Plus, despite being a southerner who grew up a 25-min ride from London, I find Londoners too parochial.

Maybe the thing to do is acknowledge that a commitment either way would currently make one of you unhappy and defer the decision for a year? I guess you would need to find another rental but a year might give you a little distance on your grief and you might have a different perspective on moving (as might he)?

PS - I’m sorry about your father

I lived in London for 13 years and have family in Manchester.

Unless you have a very well paid job in finance, law or technology (eg you are on at least 50 each now and have realistic expectations of that doubling in the next 3-4 years) I would not plan on staying london to raise a family. Property is generally terribly expensive anywhere with ok schools and commute.

Sorry, just realised I said exactly the same as a PP above

I think assuming that one of you has to be unhappy is not right. It's true that one of you is going to have to compromise more than the other, but the idea would be to maximise the happiness of both.

Also imho the "outskirts" of london (if you mean zone 5/6) are the worst of both worlds, you never get into the centre because it takes ages, and the housing is often still very expensive

for this decision, you need to think long term. what are the job opportunities for each of you in each of the locations? what is the earnings potential v house prices?

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable, difficult decision to make.
I’m sorry about your dad my DM was a mess when my father passed away so you have my sympathies.
Your child is too small to be affected at the moment, but I’d want to make a decision once school is on the horizon.

Manchester is so expensive these days! It wouldn't be a massive saving to move there.

I'm not from London. I'm not even English! But I'd probably stay near London. I'm in the commuter belt to London and I really like it.

But he isn't BU to want to move north either. I sometimes wish we could move near my family, but there aren't the same opportunities there

I think your posts come across as though your feelings trump his a tad. Obviously you and your mum have been bereaved but there are big long term decisions at stake here and if you don't start getting off the fence you won't be able to take step one in any direction even when the grief is less raw.
I think you both have valid view points and I think you should commit to understanding each other fully before you discuss again. So you should each talk to the others friends etc and try to properly hear what the arguments are about the positions you both have.
Future =inclination +opportunity.
You both have different inclinations but to be life partners you need to chart a path so that even if one partners preference holds sway, it doesn't feel as though they've 'won', do this by making sure both of you feel heard and understood and that all feelings are fully taken into account and weighed as equal importance.
The opportunity depends on your personal resources. You can want to stay in London but if you can't afford it, that's tough. So you need to sketch out a realistic plan for what moving to Manchester would entail and staying in London, then you'll have a skeleton you can flesh out which might help with the decision. The more you get into the detail the more one option might become less favoured, if it involves too much compromise for instance.

You get more for your money in Manchester I agree , but that also depends on if it’s easy to get a similar paid job there — I actually found the better areas around Manchester were not that far off in terms of rentals than somewhere like Reading or Watford. You could look at part buys somewhere like that OP— both convenient for going to Manchester— I think whatever the score is maybe rent somewhere a bit bigger for 18 months and then make a decision .

How about if you say yes to a move, but defer it for 12 months? It's not just your mum who is grieving, you are too. Bereavement and moving home are two of the most stressful things to happen to anyone, and experiencing both in a short space of time is not a good idea if it can be avoided.

I have a slight regret that I don't live close to my mum, so I would not ignore this part of your situation. It's important.

Also agree with pp that the outskirts of London are a very "unLondon" place. I lived in one of the edge boroughs - there was less facilities/ life / buzz there than in a small county town, because it's all in central London.

You might need to plan to rent for much much longer, until your incomes increase enough to afford to buy.

What’s your budget? Would he be happier about staying if you could buy something that fits the bill? Mumsnetters know everywhere and could make suggestions.

I have lived in both London and Manchester. You both have valid points, and no one's feelings really trump anyone elses here. As pp's have said, I would park this for a year, you've lost your dad so recently, it must still be very raw.

I do think you need to think about what is best for your own family, first and foremost - I mean you, dh and ds. What lifestyle do you want?, what are the career opportunities?, where do you want ds to go to school? What could you afford if you want to buy?

And yeah,wouldn't bother with outskirts/small towns surrounding London - you could be anywhere. I'd pick another city over the suburbs I think.

You have 2 major problems:

1. Your insistence (despite everything your H has said) about London being the 'best place to live'. Unfortunately someone with this attitude will never even consider moving to another place.
   Manc has everything London has, culture, diversity, all of it. Just on a 'smaller' scale.

2. Your differences in opinion about lifestyle. You're fine with raising a child in a 2 bed flat, and 'eventually' getting a house, your H is not.

FWIW I'm a city girl, loved London but could never afford to live there. I'm now in Manc and love it.

If a house is the main issue consider surrounding areas. If you can WFH areas like Stoke-On-Trent or Macclesfield on the line direct to London can be an option.

Since your DP's main objection is a house you should explore living in the surrounding area. Paces like Stoke-on-Trent and Macclesfield commutable to Lon

@TopCatsTopHat you are very right and I feel guilty that it’s been so one sided. I can see DH has suffered as a result and I really want to rectify this and make sure he feels heard as well.

@sanbeiji I’m really truly not thaaat insistent, I enjoyed my time up north during uni and could definitely see myself living there. I also really respect DH reasons and trust his intentions.

I’ve come to the realisation (thanks to pp) that perhaps it is just a bit too soon after my fathers death to make any big decisions. I think deferring for a year gives us time to really think through our options.

I agree there is definitely a difference in lifestyle preference between DH and I, and tbh I think he has the better preference haha! I know long term it’ll be a good move for us but just not quite ready to commit to it yet. But will have to have another discussion with DH and see where he’s at as well!