Aibu to be upset as I want another child.

M2AL · 2022-01-04T20:52:57+00:00

Hey everyone dc is coming up to two. Me and dh been together 14 years. We had a bit of a traumatic birth ending in emergency c section and as it was around the times of covid dh was all alone while I was having the csection . I have got my mind set on trying for another baby in the next few months . Dh doesn’t want anymore. As the whole birth has put him off and we also own a two bedroom house which he is using as an example to why we shouldn’t have another child. I just want dc to have someone to play with. I am not angry at his decision. AIBU to feel upset that his decision isn’t the Same as mine.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/01/2022 20:54

YANBU to feel upset. Can you accept his decision?

Original poster

M2AL · 04/01/2022 21:00

@ @AnneLovesGilbert I fully understand why he’s so scared of the birthing part and that may have completely put him off. If I bring it up it’s like it brings back the whole situation and he shuts off talking about it . Personally I would like dc to have a sibling and I personally feel like I would love one more child . However I also understand he feels how he feels . It’s so hard

OP posts:

ohfook · 04/01/2022 21:01

I'm in a similar situation. I feel like my problems are
a) I'm not very articulate
b) my reasons for wanting another child are emotional not logical.
So dh can list 3 or 4 good reasons why he doesn't want another child, and all I have to counteract it is 'but I really want one.'

It's hard and one of the few areas where there really is no compromise.

PlumAndPewter · 04/01/2022 21:07

YANBU to feel how you feel about it, but neither is he and YWBU to put any pressure on him, which you probably already know.

FWIW I had the same situation with my DH after a difficult birth with DC1, he couldn’t face going through it again and he shut down whenever I tried to talk to him about it. I told him I’d like to have another child at some point and left the ball in his court. He changed his mind in his own time, and we had DC2 when DC1 was almost 5, which is a bigger gap than I would have liked but he needed that time.

3luckystars · 04/01/2022 21:09

Well he wasn’t at the birth, so I don’t think he can use that as a reason since you were the one who had to actually do it!!!

I think it’s worth talking about a bit more. All the best.

dingdongmerrilyy · 04/01/2022 21:15

F

Cherryblossoms85 · 04/01/2022 21:20

That's such a shame. I would really struggle with that. That said, only children are usually perfectly happy and form very close friendships. They make friends they truly keep for life and spend so much more time on. ~Certainly all the only child adults I know. Probably doesn't help how you feel but there are upsides. You'll have more time and money, more holiday options, all sorts. I'll be 58 before my last child leaves home and sometimes I really struggle with that thought. And with the lack of sleep!!

Pegasussnail · 04/01/2022 21:23

He didn't have the difficult birth and two beds is fine- kids can share

But if he doesn't want more he doesn't want more. Is there more to it? Is it too much work for him?

Original poster

M2AL · 04/01/2022 21:32

So basically dh was told that dc was struggling to breathe and heart rate wasn’t right while outside on his own. I had to be put under general anaesthetic.

I don’t think it’s too much work for him as he’s brilliant with dc. Dc just typical nearly two year old testing boundaries so don’t think that’s helping at the minute. I’m hoping things change. Dc is my absolute world . I think it would be good for another child. We will have to see what happens I guess. I may wait a while and try the conversation again.

OP posts:

Caiti19 · 04/01/2022 21:44

If you have overcome the trauma experienced by your own body and mind, as the one who actually went through it physically - general anaesthetic and all, it seems a little bit selfish/precious of him to put his memory of being "outside on his own" up as a reason for not wanting to have another child. I'd need better reasons.

scarpa · 04/01/2022 22:02

@Caiti19

If you have overcome the trauma experienced by your own body and mind, as the one who actually went through it physically - general anaesthetic and all, it seems a little bit selfish/precious of him to put his memory of being "outside on his own" up as a reason for not wanting to have another child. I'd need better reasons.

This is enormously dismissive. My closest friend's husband is still in counselling 3 years after she had a very traumatic birth - she, by comparison, has recovered mentally very well. But his feelings of powerlessness and thinking he was going to lose his wife and child (and the guilt that it was his 'fault' because the baby was his) caused such severe PTSD he still suffers now.

Even if you're both relating to the same situation, two people can experience trauma very differently, and no two brains recover from an illness like PTSD the same way or as easily. Just because it didn't happen to him physically doesn't mean he's not allowed to be traumatised by it, otherwise nobody would ever be traumatised by witnessing awful things.

And, regardless, if he doesn't want another child just because he doesn't feel like it, that is a perfectly good reason. No 'better' reason than not wanting to needed - although if it were I'd say trauma and living space are both two 'better' reasons.

I feel for OP but let's not pretend her DH has to provide ironclad evidence why he doesn't want a second child AND he shouldn't have the audacity to be feeling the effects of a traumatic event. He doesn't want one, and that is reason enough.

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2022 22:06

@Caiti19

If you have overcome the trauma experienced by your own body and mind, as the one who actually went through it physically - general anaesthetic and all, it seems a little bit selfish/precious of him to put his memory of being "outside on his own" up as a reason for not wanting to have another child. I'd need better reasons.

He doesn’t need “better reasons”. The only reason that’s necessary for someone to not go ahead with having another baby is that they don’t want to.

Sorry you’re in this position op.

parietal · 04/01/2022 22:14

can you & your DH get a review from the hospital about what happened at the birth of your first child and talk with them about what might happen in future - presumably a planned c-section would be much smoother and easier. if it is only fear of the birth that puts your DH off (and he would otherwise want another child), then he might be able to get past it.

Hankunamatata · 04/01/2022 22:18

Have you both had a birth debrief and a chat about subsequent pregnancy risks with a mw or dr? It might really help your partner.

DeepaBeesKit · 04/01/2022 22:20

Could you maybe explore some counselling to help him work through his issues around the birth? Maybe chat to someone about what would happen in a subsequent pregnancy? Eg explain that after an emergency c you would in a position of an elective c at 38/39 weeks which is a different story.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 04/01/2022 22:27

" I just want dc to have someone to play with."

Not a reason to have another child. If you don't want to play with DC yourself, you could:
Get a kitten or a puppy.
Join a playgroup.
Put DC in nursery.

Isonthecase · 04/01/2022 22:30

It's rubbish isn't it? I think he might benefit from talking it through, as a previous poster said partners can find the loss of control during a tricky birth deeply traumatic but he MAY be able to get past that if it's the only blocker. That said, his not wanting a baby is as valid as you wanting one so he may not.

For what it's worth, my husband felt similarly but eventually felt ok about it and we just have a bigger gap than I wanted. This doesn't always happen though.

Original poster

M2AL · 04/01/2022 22:34

@GeorgiaGirl52

" I just want dc to have someone to play with."

Not a reason to have another child. If you don't want to play with DC yourself, you could:
Get a kitten or a puppy.
Join a playgroup.
Put DC in nursery.

@ @GeorgiaGirl52 dc does go to nursery once a week because i want to Spend all my time with dc. I’ve not mentioned that I don’t want to play with her in fact I always spend my days off playing with her.

As I’ve said in previous posts I would love one more child
I have such fond memories of growing up with my brother and I want that for dc.

OP posts:

Darbs76 · 04/01/2022 22:34

If his main reason is the trauma of the birth then I think he owes it to you to try some counselling. If it was the other way round I’m sure you’d explore some counselling too.

Caiti19 · 04/01/2022 22:36

@scarpa I accept your points. Perhaps my post was coloured by some residual bitterness I have about my own horrendous first birth. My choice of the word "better" was poor. I should have said "more fleshed out". I think if he's refusing her heart's desire, he owes it to her to take the time to talk it through beyond the word "no" - so that she comes away with a real understanding of where he's at. I'd expect that when discussing any topic with my life partner, and even moreso on such a serious and emotional topic. I don't get the feeling from the OP that a deeper discussion has taken place, and I think she deserves one.

Sally872 · 04/01/2022 22:37

Yanbu to be upset you don't agree but I can see his logic on 2 bed house. Absolutely fine for kids to share but it can also be tricky.

Working through his experience with the birth of dd is more difficult.

Curlyreine · 04/01/2022 22:39

You aren't the first to find yourself in this situation, and you won't be the last.

For us, it was more miscarriages than pregnancies. DH could not take any more after the 4th pregnancy loss as my mental health had taken a battering.

But, the emotions cannot be won over by logic. I had a physical ache in my arms.

I talked it over with my Gyno who told me how frequently women find themselves in this position (IHE).

I had counseling. DH joined.

In the end, I asked him to take over contraception as I felt it was unfair that I should be placed responsible for something that I actively didn't want to prevent.

He agreed. We both talked it through with the counsellor.

Anyway, I will leave it there. The ending isn't surprising

Firefightress1 · 04/01/2022 22:40

As someone who shared with my brother till I was 10, he was 6 years older. It was awful! Luckily my parents could eventually afford a 3 bedroom house, I really needed my own space from age 10. Is this something you will be able to look at in the future.

Annaghgloor · 04/01/2022 22:41

But he doesn’t need to have reasons you can accept. He simply doesn’t want another child. That’s very tough on you, but I agree that the parent who doesn’t want another gets the veto, as it would be potentially appalling for a child to be unwanted by one parent.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 04/01/2022 22:41

Well he wasn’t at the birth, so I don’t think he can use that as a reason since you were the one who had to actually do it

Yeah i imagine it was a walk in the park for him being left to imagine what was happening with his baby fighting for its life and his wife under general anaesthetic.

But because he's a man he should get over it. No wonder male mental health issues aren't taken seriously.

His no should be enough. He doesn't want another child and he's not obliged to have one to make you happy. Even more so when you don't have resources for another.