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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be upset as I want another child.

111 replies

M2AL · 04/01/2022 20:52

Hey everyone dc is coming up to two. Me and dh been together 14 years. We had a bit of a traumatic birth ending in emergency c section and as it was around the times of covid dh was all alone while I was having the csection . I have got my mind set on trying for another baby in the next few months . Dh doesn’t want anymore. As the whole birth has put him off and we also own a two bedroom house which he is using as an example to why we shouldn’t have another child. I just want dc to have someone to play with. I am not angry at his decision. AIBU to feel upset that his decision isn’t the Same as mine.

OP posts:
FallonCarringtonWannabe · 04/01/2022 22:44

@Darbs76

If his main reason is the trauma of the birth then I think he owes it to you to try some counselling. If it was the other way round I’m sure you’d explore some counselling too.
I agree with this. I had a very traumatic second birth. Very serious. Had to be rushed in an ambulance to hospital and into theatre. I was phoned frequently for weeks, sometimes by the head midwife, to get on my emotional state and to be offered to go through everything etc. dh also ended up in counselling. It would benefit your dh too im sure.
user1471604848 · 04/01/2022 22:46

I couldn't accept a flimsy excuse that the birth "put him off". If he expects you to accept his decision, he needs to talk through it a lot more.

RantyAunty · 04/01/2022 22:46

Agree with others about the counselling.

Whether he changes his mind or not, it would help him deal with his feelings about what happened.

LessTime · 04/01/2022 22:47

Yanbu to be upset but previous posters are being massively unreasonable to be so dismissive of his feelings about the birth. You were the one who went through it but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hugely distressing for him to see his wife and child go through it.

I think it’s impossible to rationalize why you want or don’t want a baby. Ultimately you have to go with the person that wants less children. It’s difficult.

Pawprintpaper · 04/01/2022 22:47

@parietal

can you & your DH get a review from the hospital about what happened at the birth of your first child and talk with them about what might happen in future - presumably a planned c-section would be much smoother and easier. if it is only fear of the birth that puts your DH off (and he would otherwise want another child), then he might be able to get past it.
Agree with this
Bobbi73 · 04/01/2022 22:48

I had a traumatic first birth where my baby got into distress and I had an emergency c. section. My second birth was an elective c . section and it was surprisingly healing. It was so calm after the drama the first time. Maybe give him some time to come to terms with it (counselling could help) and talk to him again. No two births are the same so it would be a different experience.
He does have a point about the house though. My two shared for a while but now they are older, they really benefit from their own space.
I hope you manage to work it out.

Briarshollow · 04/01/2022 22:52

He’s absolutely entitled to want no further children, and the one who doesn’t want them takes precedent……but…….he didn’t go through a traumatic birth. He sat in his own in a room while you did. Not to entirely diminish his experience, that must have been worrying, but I do inwardly roll my eyes at men like that.

mangoandraspberries · 04/01/2022 22:55

I struggle to understand the birth itself as the key driver for not wanting a second child - could you not request a planned c section? Or do you think he is using that as an excuse and it's more that he just doesn't want a second child? I would try to understand which it is - it seems a pity to miss out if it's the birth itself that is the key driver of the decision. Good luck!

noworklifebalance · 04/01/2022 23:03

He sat in his own in a room while you did. Not to entirely diminish his experience, that must have been worrying, but I do inwardly roll my eyes at men like that

Wow.
He sat in his own room, on his own, probably with ver little info other than his wife was going to have an emergency general anaesthetic (possibly a crash c-section), because his baby could die and, he probably thought his wife could die, too.
No idea why he feels traumatised.

noworklifebalance · 04/01/2022 23:05

But OP, YANBU - I hope you both with through it and are happy with whatever decision you both come to

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2022 23:08

@Briarshollow

He’s absolutely entitled to want no further children, and the one who doesn’t want them takes precedent……but…….he didn’t go through a traumatic birth. He sat in his own in a room while you did. Not to entirely diminish his experience, that must have been worrying, but I do inwardly roll my eyes at men like that.
Do you seriously not understand why sitting in a room, powerless, thinking you might lose your wife and child could be one of the most awful experiences someone could go through? Seriously? Biscuit
WonderfulYou · 04/01/2022 23:08

Has he always wanted one or did he used to want more?

Are you at risk of having a high risk pregnancy/delivery again?

I can’t imagine what it must be like watching the person you love almost dying and I can completely see why he doesn’t want another for that reason. It sounds like he has a bit of PTSD.
However it’s a shame that he doesn’t one because he’s worried about you even though you want to go through with it.

I would speak to him about both going to see a doctor and talking to them about what happened and what are the risks next time etc.

jackstini · 04/01/2022 23:08

Did you talk before the first dc about how many you wanted?
It's hard if you have always imagined having a sibling for them

Keep talking and try counselling if you think it will work for him

I had a horrendous emcs with dd and DH who originally wanted 3/4 dc was put off having another. It took time but we really wanted another and decided we would try. Had a MMC & a chemical but did go on to have ds by elcs - which was so much better!!

The hard thing is it's not about that one 'birth day' is it, it's reconsidering the way you always hoped/planned your family would be Thanks

nildesparandum · 04/01/2022 23:09

My DS1 and I almost died during his birth by EMCS under general anaesthetic. It was in the days before husbands were not allowed anywhere near theatre at all.Counselling was unheard of.We all had to get on with it.
My DH's reaction when I got pregnant again two years later?, he joined the Merchant Navy and stayed away util DS2 was two months old.This was another EMCS under GA.DH refused to talk about and it was a bone of contention between us for years and years.He refused to understand what I had gone through during my second pregnancy and having to cope on my own afterwards.
The man is not the one who gives birth, but some of their reactions will never fail to surprise me .This was the reason I had the tubal tie done with the second birth, as I never ever would go through it all again.
I can understand you wanting to give your child a sibling as this was the reason I went for another baby.

bollocksthemess · 04/01/2022 23:10

What would you do if the next baby was a different sex to the first? At some point it would become unfair to make them share.
What would you do if it was twins?
I say this as currently pregnant with boy/girl twins, in a 3 bed semi with one room being a box room. We were aiming for an only child.

maddening · 04/01/2022 23:14

I would suggest counselling to deal with the trauma from the birth, he should definitely look at at least approaching this to explore as this is something v important to you imo.

maddening · 04/01/2022 23:15

And current housing is not fixed forever, many people move from 2 to 3 etc bed houses, it is fine for at least the next 4 to 5 years surely.

Idontknowlondon · 04/01/2022 23:16

@Caiti19

If you have overcome the trauma experienced by your own body and mind, as the one who actually went through it physically - general anaesthetic and all, it seems a little bit selfish/precious of him to put his memory of being "outside on his own" up as a reason for not wanting to have another child. I'd need better reasons.
The man almost lost his child and wife. I can understand why he wouldn't want to risk that a second time, particularly with a child already that could become motherless.
purpledagger · 04/01/2022 23:18

The standard MN response is normally that the person who doesn't want more children trumps the person that does.

Like the OP, I had an emergency caesarean under a general anaesthetic. I remember the absolute look of fear in OHs eyes as I asked him if everything was okay (I was high as a kite). It must have been awful for him seeing all those medics rush into the room and quickly wheel me out. It was 1am and he had to wait by himself, not really knowing what was going on. I can't imagine how scary that must have been and I don't think his experiences should be minimised (I joke that DC1s birth was more difficult for OH than it was for me, as I slept through it).

I think having a two year old is a difficult age and maybe your OH isn't quite ready to think about having another baby yet. Unless age is a factor, maybe you should keep the dialogue open and enjoy your child.

Idontknowlondon · 04/01/2022 23:19

Your desire for a child is perfectly reasonable. It's emotional and not logical. He may be able to articulate logical reasons for not wanting another but his reasons are probably emotional - he simply lacks the desire for another. And you can't give or create that urge if it isn't there. And when it is, all logical reasons to ignore it can be overcome.

A desire for a child, or lack of desire is illogical, emotional and unreasonable (in that it cannot be reasoned, not that it's inappropriate or wrong).

DontWantTheRivalry · 04/01/2022 23:20

YANBU OP.

When our first son was just under 2 years old I got the craving to desire another baby. Part of that reason was so my son had a sibling but the main part was that I just wanted to have another baby and make our family bigger.

My husband was adamant he didn’t want a second one and I found it really hard to accept. We had numerous conversations about it which would usually end up with me in tears and he couldn’t give me a ‘proper’ reason why he didn’t want a second child. He didn’t have any reasons or no explanations to give to me.

We did eventually have a second child but I empathise with you completely regarding how much it can hurt to want something so desperately but to have someone deny you the opportunity to actually have it.

It’s a very difficult emotional place to be in for a couple who disagree on something so significant.

Beseen22 · 04/01/2022 23:53

Oh its a really hard one. There is no compromise and I have been there.

For my DH he doesn't get the emotional urge to make babies. So if we were discussing it and my only response was but I want one kind of pales in comparison to his 10 reasons why we shouldn't have another. He does not appreciate the constant nags/ mentioning of dfuturr babies.

Why don't you set a date a couple months in advance to discuss it properly and come up with a decision. Dont discuss it at all before then and do your research, have figures prepared....can you afford it? Will you be able to give your children the life you want for them? Would you have a planned section? Would you have support for the few months while you recover? What would having 2 children sharing look like, what if you had the opposite and your two couldn't share past childhood? Would you consider moving house etc etc. And at the end of that conversation where you have rational reasons why you feel another baby would fit into the family well if he decides he can do it then great and if not you have your answer and can take it forward how you want. To be honest I would not leave my DH if he didn't want another but I would hold some sadness and his choice has caused that sadness.

My DH did agree to try one more time but it hasn't happened..just my luck!

sst1234 · 05/01/2022 00:01

@user1471604848

I couldn't accept a flimsy excuse that the birth "put him off". If he expects you to accept his decision, he needs to talk through it a lot more.
Flimsy? What excuse would be acceptable to you?

And would you at the same for a woman not wanting a child while her husband did? That she needs to talk it through a lot more before he should accept it?

The double standards on here.

Caiti19 · 05/01/2022 00:15

"And would you at the same for a woman not wanting a child while her husband did? That she needs to talk it through a lot more before he should accept it?"

Um....yes! If one person is really cut up about something, the caring thing for a partner to do is to engage with that and talk it through? I am finding the attitude of "I shouldn't have to explain myself beyond no" really cold and weird! There is a huge range of possible reactions that live between "relenting" and "no, and that's the end of it". Crikey.

Briarshollow · 05/01/2022 09:58

I know I take a hardline approach to men like this, but the OP went through it all and did brilliantly. She’s processed what happened and would like to try for another baby. Has he taken any steps to process his trauma? Has he spoken with anyone? Or has he just said no? Has he made any attempts to understand that the unknown element could be removed entirely from the second birth by way of an ELCS? Or has he just said ‘nah, it was too scary’?

It’s absolutely the right of someone to say no to more children, but if it’s entirely down to a ‘trauma of my wife’s childbirth’, and they’ve made no attempt to work through that, then yeah, I roll my eyes a bit.

Just as I did to the man who recently told me, ‘we’re pregnant’.