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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be upset as I want another child.

111 replies

M2AL · 04/01/2022 20:52

Hey everyone dc is coming up to two. Me and dh been together 14 years. We had a bit of a traumatic birth ending in emergency c section and as it was around the times of covid dh was all alone while I was having the csection . I have got my mind set on trying for another baby in the next few months . Dh doesn’t want anymore. As the whole birth has put him off and we also own a two bedroom house which he is using as an example to why we shouldn’t have another child. I just want dc to have someone to play with. I am not angry at his decision. AIBU to feel upset that his decision isn’t the Same as mine.

OP posts:
SnipSnipMrBurgess · 05/01/2022 13:54

@Briarshollow

I know I take a hardline approach to men like this, but the OP went through it all and did brilliantly. She’s processed what happened and would like to try for another baby. Has he taken any steps to process his trauma? Has he spoken with anyone? Or has he just said no? Has he made any attempts to understand that the unknown element could be removed entirely from the second birth by way of an ELCS? Or has he just said ‘nah, it was too scary’?

It’s absolutely the right of someone to say no to more children, but if it’s entirely down to a ‘trauma of my wife’s childbirth’, and they’ve made no attempt to work through that, then yeah, I roll my eyes a bit.

Just as I did to the man who recently told me, ‘we’re pregnant’.

Maybe the husband doesn't feel they can access counselling about this, maybe they feel they would be dismissed by eyerolling idiots such as yourself.
JorisBonson · 05/01/2022 13:54

Neither of you are being unreasonable, but you need to decide where you go from here. His decision is just as valid as yours.

Mouseonmychair · 05/01/2022 14:04

Wanting someone to play with isn't really guaranteed either. I spent my childhood disliking my sister and vice versa. On several occasions it escalated to be significant and I know my parents didn't like it. Both of us would have been happier as only children.

Livpool · 05/01/2022 14:07

He doesn't want another - end of. If you have discussed it and he has made his mind up then I think you have to accept it and stay together not else break up. Harsh but don't try to 'persuade' him. My friend's ex did this and pushed it and pushed it til she left.

CatJumperTwat · 05/01/2022 14:14

So what is the allowed reason for wanting to bring another human into the world then?!

OP’s ‘reasons’ are very valid….and I’m definitely getting the sense that most importantly she actually wants another baby for her own reasons, not just for the sake of her existing child.

Wanting a child because you want a child is valid. Having a child to be a playmate to another, or in an attempt to recreate your own childhood with a sibling, is a terrible reason. And despite the OP trying to backtrack, it's clear that she has a fixed idea of what this second child needs to bring to the family - and it's not fair to put those expectations on a person.

DontWantTheRivalry · 05/01/2022 14:16

Wanting a child because you want a child is valid. Having a child to be a playmate to another, or in an attempt to recreate your own childhood with a sibling, is a terrible reason.

Shit….looks like I made a really terrible decision 5 years ago then Grin

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/01/2022 14:17

@Firefightress1

As someone who shared with my brother till I was 10, he was 6 years older. It was awful! Luckily my parents could eventually afford a 3 bedroom house, I really needed my own space from age 10. Is this something you will be able to look at in the future.
I have a brother 3 years older and one 9 years younger and we lived in a 2 bed house until I was 16. I shared with the older one until I was 9, then he had to sleep on a sofa bed downstairs and the younger one moved in with me. Until I was 16.

It was awful - I had no privacy at all and going through puberty as a girl sharing with boys was developmentally not good for me. It gave me body issues for life.

Children can share - but if you have one of each, you're setting up the girl in particular for a lack of personal privacy that can be unpleasant and even traumatic.

Original poster
M2AL · 05/01/2022 14:25

Wanting a child because you want a child is valid. Having a child to be a playmate to another, or in an attempt to recreate your own childhood with a sibling, is a terrible reason. And despite the OP trying to backtrack

Im sure I also said I would personally love one more child?

Personally I would like dc to have a sibling and I personally feel like I would love one more child

OP posts:
Original poster
M2AL · 05/01/2022 14:26

Dh and I have previously talked about getting a bigger house before dc was born . We haven’t spoke about it recently so it os something we can have a discussion about .

OP posts:
thefourgp · 05/01/2022 14:29

Did you discuss how many children you intended on having before you got married? Did he agree you’d have two and has now changed his mind?

PrincessNutella · 05/01/2022 14:30

the next few months is awfully soon!

Holly60 · 05/01/2022 14:31

@Caiti19

If you have overcome the trauma experienced by your own body and mind, as the one who actually went through it physically - general anaesthetic and all, it seems a little bit selfish/precious of him to put his memory of being "outside on his own" up as a reason for not wanting to have another child. I'd need better reasons.
That’s extraordinarily insensitive. I can imagine that I would suffer huge trauma if I was left outside an operating theatre completely on my own, having been told my child was gravely Ill.
Original poster
M2AL · 05/01/2022 14:31

@thefourgp

Years ago he wanted three children. It seems to have changed since dc was born. We brought the house as a first step on thenproperty ladder and ended up staying in our first home because we were pregnant x

OP posts:
Abouttimemum · 05/01/2022 14:41

Well myself and DS nearly died during childbirth and I’d say feeling like you might lose the love of your life and your newborn child in one fell swoop is a valid enough reason not to want another child. We’ve both processed it. Thankfully neither of us wants to go through that again though so we aren’t in a tricky situation like the OP, whose feelings are also valid.

It does fade with time so I’d give it another year and talk to him again.

As for sharing, my nephews are teenagers and have always shared a room in a small 2-bed house and I shared growing up so I don’t think that’s an issue (depending on sex of any baby)

Abouttimemum · 05/01/2022 14:43

Also having a birth reflections appointment with the consultant who did my section and looked after DS in neonatal was really helpful to cut through all the jargon and tell us exactly what went wrong and why and the chances of it happening again was v helpful.

Christmas1988 · 05/01/2022 15:00

You both have to respect each other’s opinions and decide how to move forward.you can’t force him to have a child he doesn’t want and he can’t force you to stay if it means so much to you to have another baby.
He’s made his opinions very clear now you must decide what to do, leave and have another child with someone who wants the same as you or do you stay? Nobody can control this outcome but you.

CloseEncountersOfTheTurdKind · 05/01/2022 15:08

Not everyone can afford a bigger house! None of my kids have ever asked for their own room.

CloseEncountersOfTheTurdKind · 05/01/2022 15:09

That was replying to @migrainesbythedozen

TansySorrel · 05/01/2022 15:51

My dds share a big room and they might not have their own space when they're asleep but they can during the day. Me downstairs, dd1 in one bedroom, dd2 tends to hang out in my bedroom using her laptop up the desk or on my bed. No dh as I'm a widow. They seem pretty happy

PinkSyCo · 05/01/2022 15:55

YANBU to feel upset that his decision isn’t the same as yours but YABU for saying “We were pregnant.” Envy (not envy) Unless your DH was born a woman he never was nor ever will be pregnant.

Sunset999 · 05/01/2022 16:05

@Cherryblossoms85

That's such a shame. I would really struggle with that. That said, only children are usually perfectly happy and form very close friendships. They make friends they truly keep for life and spend so much more time on. ~Certainly all the only child adults I know. Probably doesn't help how you feel but there are upsides. You'll have more time and money, more holiday options, all sorts. I'll be 58 before my last child leaves home and sometimes I really struggle with that thought. And with the lack of sleep!!
How do you know for sure you will be 58 when your last child leaves home? I have friends with kids late 20's still at home, some 30.....
Sunset999 · 05/01/2022 16:06

For the OP, he may come round, give him some time and discuss again later. My dh was adamant he did not want a 2nd, I gave it some time and came back to the discussion, I even wrote a letter explaining my reasons etc. In the end he did agree and we had our 2nd .

JorisBonson · 05/01/2022 16:09

@Sunset999

For the OP, he may come round, give him some time and discuss again later. My dh was adamant he did not want a 2nd, I gave it some time and came back to the discussion, I even wrote a letter explaining my reasons etc. In the end he did agree and we had our 2nd .
That's not fair on OP's husband. He's made his choice, which is just as valid as hers, and that should be respected.
Babdoc · 05/01/2022 16:20

OP, ask your DH which he would prefer - having a second child with you, or having a divorce so you can have a second child with a new partner.
It might make him realise how serious you are about this issue.

PurpleDaisies · 05/01/2022 16:20

@Babdoc

OP, ask your DH which he would prefer - having a second child with you, or having a divorce so you can have a second child with a new partner. It might make him realise how serious you are about this issue.
Where does the op say she’s considering that?