Aibu to be upset as I want another child.

[M2AL]

Hey everyone dc is coming up to two. Me and dh been together 14 years. We had a bit of a traumatic birth ending in emergency c section and as it was around the times of covid dh was all alone while I was having the csection . I have got my mind set on trying for another baby in the next few months . Dh doesn’t want anymore. As the whole birth has put him off and we also own a two bedroom house which he is using as an example to why we shouldn’t have another child. I just want dc to have someone to play with. I am not angry at his decision. AIBU to feel upset that his decision isn’t the Same as mine.

YANBU to be upset. We were actively trying for a second when my partner decided he wanted to stop after having some health issues.

It broke my heart at first but it did get easier with time. My son is three now and we have the best bond. I think he has gained more from having my time and attention that I wouldn’t have been able to give him with another baby to look after, than he has lost through not having a sibling. We are also financially better off as holidays, days out etc. are cheaper and we don’t need a bigger house.

@Caiti19

"And would you at the same for a woman not wanting a child while her husband did? That she needs to talk it through a lot more before he should accept it?"

Um....yes! If one person is really cut up about something, the caring thing for a partner to do is to engage with that and talk it through? I am finding the attitude of "I shouldn't have to explain myself beyond no" really cold and weird! There is a huge range of possible reactions that live between "relenting" and "no, and that's the end of it". Crikey.

When DH and I had that talk though he just found my "but I just don't want another" infuriating. I couldn't give a "reason", I just had absolutely no desire for another child and no articulated reasons for or against we're going to magic up a desire I didn't already have.

Parental desire is completely illogical and emotionally driven. There's no amount of discussion, reasons, positives or negatives that will change it. The desire is innate, you either have it or you don't.

@user1471604848

I couldn't accept a flimsy excuse that the birth "put him off". If he expects you to accept his decision, he needs to talk through it a lot more.

It's hardly flimsy. Women still die in childbirth. The OP could die next time. Sorry I am being blunt but it needs to be said when people minimise this sort of thing. OP you were lucky to have an idyllic childhood with your brother (does he have kids, could your dc play with their cousins) but there is no guarantee a second child would get on with your first child.

I just want dc to have someone to play with

This is a terrible reason to have another child. I never played with my brother; we hated each other. He was the worst part of my childhood and would probably say the same about me.

@CatJumperTwat

I just want dc to have someone to play with

This is a terrible reason to have another child. I never played with my brother; we hated each other. He was the worst part of my childhood and would probably say the same about me.

@CatJumperTwat

Like I’ve said before I would love another child as It’s something I’ve always wanted not just for my dc to play with. I’ve always seen myself with having two children

I think you’re best off leaving it another 6 months until DC is around 2 and a half, when they’re getting a bit easier anyway. He may be more open to the idea then. The you both need to have a really open, honest, respectful conversation about whether or not to have another. I’m with you and would have been gutted not to have a second but you can only do it if both parties are 100% in

My DD is almost 7. She was a traumatic start due to her health complications and it was touch and go if she'd make it. I had anxiety and ptsd but still always wanted another child. We couldn't agree on it and it was always a source of upset and arguments despite the logical part of me understanding his view. You can't compromise on a child. We divorced when she was 4. One of you has to "lose" this one. Only you will know if that's something you can cope with

Like I’ve said before I would love another child as It’s something I’ve always wanted not just for my dc to play with. I’ve always seen myself with having two children

And you've said it's for your child to play with and because you have fond memories of playing with your brother. It's an awful reason to bring another human into the world.

OK. Park the idea of another child for now. The two of you still have time. Show/send him this:
www.makebirthbetter.org/support-for-partners
Ask the hospital for a copy of the notes and a debrief (just for him or for the two of you together), my hospital calls it "birth afterthoughts" and all of them should offer it.
I advise individual counselling for him and/or couple's counselling for the two of you together, to discuss what happened and how you both feel about it.
You need to tackle the residual birth trauma before you can start to address the idea of a possible second child. I would suggest that you "park" that idea for at least 6 months, while you try and work through what happened, and then revisit it, with the help of couple's counselling if necessary.

FWIW, my DH wasn't ready to consider trying for DC2 until a few months after DC1's second birthday (for various reasons that I won't go into) but he did get there in the end. We have DC2 now

I don't think either of you is unreasonable but the bottom line is if he doesn't want another child - for whatever reason -- you have to accept this or end the relationship. You have to decide whether not having another child is a dealbreaker.

Just as an aside though: you do know only children also do get people to play with, right? You likely have other reasons for wanting another child but stuck out a bit to me. You're not obliged to provide a child with a sibling and if this is your primary reason for wanting another child you may be overthinking a bit.

And you've said it's for your child to play with and because you have fond memories of playing with your brother. It's an awful reason to bring another human into the world.

So what is the allowed reason for wanting to bring another human into the world then?!

OP’s ‘reasons’ are very valid….and I’m definitely getting the sense that most importantly she actually wants another baby for her own reasons, not just for the sake of her existing child.

It’s not as though she’s revolted by the idea of having a second baby, or adamant that she doesn’t want any more children yet is still considering having one just for her current child to have someone to play with, is it?!

My decision to have a second baby was hugely focused on the benefits it would bring to my current son (and yes, those thoughts were based on my experiences of my own childhood) but underneath those reasons I did actually want a baby, just like the OP does.

^Agree with this. Well said.

As an only child myself I find it very offensive when people think an only child needs a sibling for 'company'. First of all, if he has friends, he will be fine. Secondly, many siblings hate each other and make each other miserable. There is no guarantee they will get along. As long as he is happy, loved by both of you and secure and has your time and attention and later friends, he will have it all. Also having his own room/space is important. A two bedroom home is not ideal for more than one child, you'd need to move. So please, only have another child if you feel your life will be empty with only one. Don't assume another child will make your DC happy, you may make him miserable. It's a gamble, and all he needs is love, a happy stable environment and friends. No one 'needs' a sibling.

@DontWantTheRivalry
Thankyou so much. I agree with everything you have said. I personally want another child and since I was little I’ve always wanted two children. I obviously personally want another child otherwise I wouldn’t have brought it up on this thread. I believe it woul also benefit dc ,
People are just assuming that I want another child so I don’t have to play with my child which is actually offensive and completely the opposite .

Thankyou so much for your words

People are not taking into my views that o personally would like another child

@Caiti19

If you have overcome the trauma experienced by your own body and mind, as the one who actually went through it physically - general anaesthetic and all, it seems a little bit selfish/precious of him to put his memory of being "outside on his own" up as a reason for not wanting to have another child. I'd need better reasons.

Why is a reason beyond “I don’t want one” needed? I appreciate it would provide the foundation for further discussion and perhaps help the OP better understand his decision, but his decision is not inherently unreasonable regardless of the reason.

@user1471604848

I couldn't accept a flimsy excuse that the birth "put him off". If he expects you to accept his decision, he needs to talk through it a lot more.

Aside from the fact that your wife and child both nearly dying isn't exactly a "flimsy excuse", in what way would you not accept this?

Would you leave the marriage? Would you try to trick him into having another baby by lying about contraception? If neither of those things then you kind of HAVE to accept it.

@M2AL

People are not taking into my views that o personally would like another child

I’m certainly taking your views into account, but fundamentally it doesn’t matter why you want another child and why your DH doesn’t — there’s no compromise, one person can’t have what they want, and unfortunately, that’s you in this scenario, as no child should be born into a situation where they are unwanted by a parent.

@M2AL

People are not taking into my views that o personally would like another child

If you want another child personally, that's one thing. But don't use the 'sibling' as a reason. No healthy happy child 'needs' a sibling, in fact they're better off without one usually. And if you only have a two bedroom home you're better off looking for another home before trying. Having to share a room isn't fair imo and is unfair to expect your first DC to do that. So only have another one if you move to a bigger house.

I'm curious what is an acceptable reason to have a second child from the posters in here lambasting op for not having a good enough reason.

@M2AL I was ready before DH after a traumatic delivery and a poorly baby (18 months in and out of hospital). There's 4.5 years between them because of that which is more then I'd like but they currently love each other.

If course yanbu to be upset. Try talking to DH about the birth, perhaps some sort of counselling might help him process his feelings? Does he have any mates who are also Dads?

Why not visit a therapist together and talk through these issues? if DH just has unresolved trauma from the birth, that can be overcome, and you can make a true decision not based on fear.

Just speaking for myself I was an only child growing up and it was very lonely, so I understand what you feel. Suggestions of 'get a pet' or 'join a nursery' are not at all the same.

You’re welcome M2AL.

My life was hugely enriched by having a sister and she’s wrapped up in all my happiest memories of my childhood. We can spend hours and hours reminiscing about our childhood together (and our teen years) and we usually end up crying with laughter.

We were only 12 months apart so we did everything together, people always joke that we live in our own little sibling bubble even though we are late 30s now.

So yes, my childhood hugely influenced my decision to have a sibling.

However, my DH has a brother and they have no relationship at all. They grew apart as teenagers and now they don’t have any contact. They don’t dislike each other, they just have no desire to have each other in their lives.

Because he never saw the benefit to having a sibling he couldn’t understand why it meant so much to me to have a second child.

He did eventually come round but it took about a year of talking about it before he agreed to try for a second.

I have two sons now and they absolutely adore each other and my husband is so, so glad we had a second.

I really hope you get the outcome you want

The bedroom isn't necessarily an issue- we have 3 kids in a 2 bed house and they manage fine sharing.

@CloseEncountersOfTheTurdKind

The bedroom isn't necessarily an issue- we have 3 kids in a 2 bed house and they manage fine sharing.

Maybe they 'manage fine' because they have no choice. But it's not really ideal and I don't feel it's fair on them, every child should have their own room, their own space.

Maybe they 'manage fine' because they have no choice. But it's not really ideal and I don't feel it's fair on them, every child should have their own room, their own space.

In your opinion.

My two children could have a bedroom each but they don’t want one and they have bunk beds in one of the rooms. They have been sharing together since they were 5 and 2 and almost three years later they still are.

We keep asking our eldest if he wants to move back into ‘his’ own room but he’s not interested. He said he loves being in the same room as his younger brother and wants to keep sharing a room with him until he’s 19

My boys won’t even sit on separate chairs in the living room, they have to sit hip-to-hip on the sofa, so trying to get them to sleep in separate bedrooms is just pointless