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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid...

132 replies

Bee97 · 04/01/2022 02:31

I was supposed to be a bridesmaid for a close family member however now I've been given the ultimatum that if I don't dye my hair a natural colour then I can only be a guest.
I have received frequent digs about my hair and tattoos since the engagement which has become heated today. Tbh I don't want to go at all if I'm not good enough being who I am.
Should I be expected to change who I am just to suit a brides personal view of coloured hair and tattoos?

OP posts:
JenniferWooley · 04/01/2022 09:33

@Nathlash

Those who say they wouldn’t want a bridesmaid with pink hair and tattoos, why not?

I have tattoos & dye my hair albeit a natural auburn, but when I got married I purposely chose a dress that covered my tattoos.

Some tattoos are awful, & even really well done tattoos I think need a specific style of dress to look good & it's not my style so I wouldn't choose it for my bridesmaids.

I also just don't like brightly coloured very obviously not natural hair colours (again it's just not my style & let's be honest most of these are home dye jobs not salon quality) so wouldn't choose someone to be a bridesmaid that had a penchant for brightly coloured hair.

ldontWanna · 04/01/2022 09:35

@HeddaGarbled

If it’s your sister, and you love her, would it kill you to do this for her, as a gesture of love? Think of it like wearing sensible clothes for tea with your grandma, when normally you’d dress more wildly. It’s to show love and respect and that you care about how they feel, even if it’s not how you would normally dress. You’re not being asked to ‘change who you are’: that’s adolescent dramatics.
How about the bride shows some love and accepts OP how she is instead of demanding she changes her appearance for one day?
PigeonLittle · 04/01/2022 09:35

People that only want their bridesmaids as colour coordinated accessories in photos really piss me off.

Theyre supposed to be your support not a prop.

PatchworkElmer · 04/01/2022 09:41

The whole point of asking someone to be your bridesmaid (for me anyway) is to signify that they’re an important person in your life and valued for who they are.

If you’re happy to still go, I’d just say “I won’t be changing my hair for the wedding, so will see you on the day as a guest”.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 04/01/2022 09:46

@PigeonLittle

People that only want their bridesmaids as colour coordinated accessories in photos really piss me off.

Theyre supposed to be your support not a prop.

This. Some people are clearly very shallow. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid for my BF years ago. she was well aware we were TTC but when I got pregnant and my dress no longer fit she got really nasty and told me she didn't want me to he a bridesmaid and I could be a guest. I declined. she lost a friend that day and I was saved from exposing my child to a horrible person. You don't need this person in your life just walk away.
LadyPropane · 04/01/2022 09:47

I'm honestly flabbergasted that some people on this thread are saying they wouldn't choose someone to be their bridesmaid purely because of their hair colour. That's deeply sad.

solbunny · 04/01/2022 09:49

@bonetiredwithtwins

I'm presuming she is your sister.....I wouldn't want my sister as a bridesmaid with pink hair either OP sorry... if it's fuscia bright pink it's rather attention seeking
Tbh I certainly hope that I looked good enough on my own wedding day that someone in the background with pink hair wouldn't have taken away much attention 🤣
OhChrismtasTree · 04/01/2022 09:52

This is hard! Personally I wouldn't want a bridesmaid with pink hair / tattoos in my wedding photos, it wouldn't quite look right compared to how I'd imagined my wedding photos! I'm quite conservative and not really a fan of tattoos / bright hair, and personally wouldn't want wedding photos with them prominently featured.

Luckily my bridesmaid with tattoos ended up being covered in the photos by the wraps we had (can't really describe tattoos without being outing, but imagine gothic themed arms very heavy, very dark tattoos) and she'd actually bleached her hair ready for the next colour experiment. Thankful I didn't have to have the awkward conversation with her!

Have you changed your hair colour since she asked? I can only imagine she assumed it'd be the same colour perhaps? She does seem a bit rude, but honestly it's just one of those things. You've got the option to do it, and be a bridesmaid or not and be a guest, she hasn't taken your invite away.

2Rebecca · 04/01/2022 09:55

If a friend/ relative has a synthetic colour in their hair and you only want natural colours in bridesmaids then you don't ask that person to be a bridesmaid in the first place. It's an odd thing to get worked up about but the oddest thing is it being raised now

Frymetothemoon · 04/01/2022 09:59

Decline politely, go to the wedding, be absolutely charming and if anyone questions why you are no longer a bridesmaid, just reply "I was removed because of my hair colour". She'll be the one looking like a fool

Cakecakecheese · 04/01/2022 10:09

I love a pink haired bridesmaid, I'll hit you up once I set a date Grin

I find the obsession with perfection and tastefulness at weddings so boring but if that's what you want don't ask a pink haired person to be your bridesmaid.

RockinHorseShit · 04/01/2022 10:40

Tell them to feck off

SagittariusDwarf · 04/01/2022 10:59

I'd make her stick to her ultimatum and say you can attend as a guest only. Then I'd decide if I could even be arsed to do that. Pink hair isn't even particularly out there, I'm surprised at posters on here who think it is.

Crayfishforyou · 04/01/2022 11:04

Shave your head for it instead
And then tattoo your head

TueWed · 04/01/2022 11:11

@HirplesWithHaggis

You're not being asked to "change who you are", you're being offered a different role at a wedding. As a guest you can display whatever tattoos and dyed plumage you like, but perhaps the bride would prefer to be the centre of attention on her wedding day (and in her wedding photos.)
yeah - because someones hair colour is really going to take the attention off the bride and groom
TueWed · 04/01/2022 11:37

@Suprima

I find it a bit sad that your identity is tied up so much in dying your hair bright colours that you consider it ‘changing who you are’. I wouldn’t want a magenta haired bridesmaid either.

I will be asking a friend who frequently dies her hair unnatural colours to be my bridesmaid. We have discussed it in the past and she has come out first and said she would obviously tone it down. Because it will be back to green or blue the day after, no big deal. She doesn’t see it as infringing on her human rights at all and it’s slightly odd and precious that you do Confused

Of course lots of posters will back you up and call her a bridezilla wanker, because like the giant mumsnet salad of competitive underrating- people love to compete for the lowest key, unfussy ‘I let my bridesmaid wear an Asda tracksuit because she is my friend and i care about her presence more than anything!!!’ wedding.

I find it a bit sad that your identity is tied up so much in dying your hair bright colours that you consider it ‘changing who you are’. I wouldn’t want a magenta haired bridesmaid either.

Is your hair not part of your identity?

5128gap · 04/01/2022 11:55

I'm not sure I'd think in terms of not her not accepting you for who you are, as she may not see your hair colour as part of your identity in the same way you do, but more of a fashion thing. She may see it as akin to asking you to wear a certain colour dress, or curls, or an updo, as is generally accepted as ok for brides to decide.

Merryoldgoat · 04/01/2022 12:18

Aren’t bridesmaids supposed to be people you love and care about, who support and help on the day and, as such, their hair colour is irrelevant?

The sooner people (usually women) stop having a wedding for the party, aesthetics, and Instagramable pictures the bloody better.

Glittertwins · 04/01/2022 12:21

Nope, if you already had the hair colour and tattoos when she asked you, tough luck to her.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 04/01/2022 14:29

I agree that she is being ridiculous, but you will probably have more fun being a guest! Bridesmaiding is overrated!
Go along and be yourself as a guest.

FlasherMcGruff · 04/01/2022 14:39

So, they want you to be there as an ornament, moulded to suit their aesthetics, rather than having you attend as…you.

Nah. Screw that.

gogohm · 04/01/2022 14:46

Have you changed it since she asked you? Does pink clash and the previous colour did not? Otherwise she's being vu

Pollingbadly · 04/01/2022 14:48

I can understand why she mightn't want your hair colour dominating the snaps. She shouldn't have asked you in that case. It's a compliment that she decided she wanted you there though to risk doing this IMO. I think you're being unreasonable not seeing where she's coming from. It's a bm's job to be inconspicuous and discreet.

ldontWanna · 04/01/2022 14:57

@Pollingbadly

I can understand why she mightn't want your hair colour dominating the snaps. She shouldn't have asked you in that case. It's a compliment that she decided she wanted you there though to risk doing this IMO. I think you're being unreasonable not seeing where she's coming from. It's a bm's job to be inconspicuous and discreet.
She's a human being not a spy or sanitary towel!
FluffyBooBoo · 04/01/2022 15:17

It's a bm's job to be inconspicuous and discreet

If that's true, then why do they wear matching dresses to tie in with the wedding colors? Surely that alone makes them stand out?