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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid...

132 replies

Bee97 · 04/01/2022 02:31

I was supposed to be a bridesmaid for a close family member however now I've been given the ultimatum that if I don't dye my hair a natural colour then I can only be a guest.
I have received frequent digs about my hair and tattoos since the engagement which has become heated today. Tbh I don't want to go at all if I'm not good enough being who I am.
Should I be expected to change who I am just to suit a brides personal view of coloured hair and tattoos?

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 04/01/2022 08:05

@Nathlash

Those who say they wouldn’t want a bridesmaid with pink hair and tattoos, why not?
I hate tattoos - absolutely vile.

But, I wouldn't ask someone who had tattoos to be my bridesmaid in the first place!

Pink hair is fine...it's not permanent like a tattoo.

Suprima · 04/01/2022 08:05

Competitive undereating, that should say*

Memyselfandfood · 04/01/2022 08:05

Don’t go.
I would not change who i was for a wedding, it’s an insult.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 04/01/2022 08:07

What colour was you hair when she asked you?

OldTinHat · 04/01/2022 08:15

Ffs what is the bride thinking of? She's chosen you for being 'you'. Why the hell would she expect you to change how you look because then you won't be 'you'. Tell her to jog on with her fluffy peach meringue bridesmaid dress (assumptions!).

fluffythedragonslayer · 04/01/2022 08:20

Baffling that people want a certain aesthetic as their bridesmaids. Surely you choose people who are important to you, for who they are not how they look? But then I find all the colour schemes, matching flowers, perfect picture stuff odd anyway.
That said, I am being bridesmaid for a friend in a few months and she is very much into the matching everything, super strict colour scheme, she is micro organising every tiny detail and yet she couldn't give a toss what colour my hair is (it's currently purple, it changes every few months) because it's who I am and they reason she chose me as a bridesmaid is cos she loves me not cos I fit a pretty picture 🤷‍♀️😁

Rainbowbrite2022 · 04/01/2022 08:23

They asked you not a diluted watered down version. I’d just give back word and decline to be a bridesmaid. It’s as bad as demanding people lose weight to all look the same.

TicTac80 · 04/01/2022 08:26

I'd just go as a guest. If you'd changed your hair colour from a "natural" colour to pink then I would almost see where she was coming from, but you haven't.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 04/01/2022 08:32

@TicTac80

It could have been a more muted dyed colour before though.

ldontWanna · 04/01/2022 08:33

The issue is she asked, knowing who you are and how your hair is and then she started throwing her weight around and issuing ultimatums. Fuck that.

Go as a guest and have fun. You're not missing out on much.

Poisinedmummy · 04/01/2022 08:39

I wouldn’t go at all.

Lalliella · 04/01/2022 08:47

@PersonaNonGarter

Don’t change your hair. Go to the wedding.

Be INCREDIBLY CHARMING and gracious about it all.
The bride will look a dick. And later when she looks back in this she will feel really embarrassed. You will look dignified and good natured.

^^ this

Don’t pull out of the whole wedding, you’ll look mean and petty. But agree nicely to not be a bridesmaid and be the better person.

Bonnealle · 04/01/2022 08:51

You're not being asked to "change who you are", you're being offered a different role at a wedding. As a guest you can display whatever tattoos and dyed plumage you like, but perhaps the bride would prefer to be the centre of attention on her wedding day (and in her wedding photos.)

This is hilarious. Of course the bride will be centre of attention as she’s the bride!! Pink hair is so common now, it’s hardly going to stand out. I don’t really understand this ‘centre of attention’ thing anyway. It’s the last thing I’d want. I think people who want to be centre of attention would have a problem whatever you do with your hair that isn’t what they want. It’s absolutely bonkers to dictate what colour a person should dye their hair for one day. Is it acceptable for a redhead to have to dye their hair black as all the other bridesmaids have dark hair?!

Hadjab · 04/01/2022 08:57

@HirplesWithHaggis

You're not being asked to "change who you are", you're being offered a different role at a wedding. As a guest you can display whatever tattoos and dyed plumage you like, but perhaps the bride would prefer to be the centre of attention on her wedding day (and in her wedding photos.)
I doubt someone with dyed hair can divert attention away from the bride, much like a guest wearing white. If the bride isn’t centre of attention at her wedding, then she didn’t try hard enough.
trulyconfuseddotcom · 04/01/2022 08:59

What an odd request. Surely you choose your bridesmaids because they are people you care about and want to share a special day with you, not because they fit a particular aesthetic? Would it be okay to ask a friend to lose weight if the other bridesmaids were a bit slimmer? Of course not! Or to ask a blonde friend to dye her hair dark if the others were all brunettes? No. Your 'friend' is being ridiculous, and you should explain that you will not be changing yourself to suit her, so if she's not happy for you to look like you, you'll just go as a guest. TBH you'll probably have more fun that way.

Chickychickydodah · 04/01/2022 09:01

I’d politely say no I’m not coming . To ask that of you is wrong , especially as you are known for bold colours

Georgeskitchen · 04/01/2022 09:05

Assuming you had pink hair and tattoos when she asked you to be bridesmaid, she is being unreasonable. I would be sorely tempted to tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine!!

dudsville · 04/01/2022 09:07

I've never been a bridesmaid and I consider myself to have led a full and wonderful life thus far. Keep your hair as you like it, people who want to govern your hair choices are not fun to be with.

MushMonster · 04/01/2022 09:07

Tell them that you are glad to be a guest.
I would still go if this is close family, and would cause upset with your mother and father.
If you almost never see them and they are not close to your family, I would pass.

AndTime · 04/01/2022 09:09

You ask people to be in your bridal party because you love them and want them to be part of your day, not because of how they look on the pictures.

Would you ask an overweight bridesmaid to diet, one with crooked teeth to get braces, someone short to wear ridiculous heels?

I just find the whole thing ridiculous, you live the person as they are!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/01/2022 09:15

I would just reply with thank you so much for asking me but I’m happy with the way I look so will stay as a guest. Looking forward to seeing you on the big day.

redastherose · 04/01/2022 09:18

Definitely don't change your hair colour. My ex did this to our daughter, she like you always has her hair dyed strong bright colours, and has for years. He and his partner asked her to be a bridesmaid then said later that they wanted her to change her hair back to a natural colour for their wedding. She reluctantly agreed on the proviso that he paid for it to be changed and then dyed back again afterwards.

Shortly before the wedding he then said he would pay for it to be dyed back to her natural colour but wanted her to sign a fucking agreement that she wouldn't dye it back again afterwards. That was that last straw for her and in the end she refused to change it and told him she wasn't going to go to his wedding at all if he insisted. As that would have made him look bad he backtracked and said he'd never said that at all (he's a lying twat).

She eventually had it dyed a lovely two tone deep pink and purple which actually looked stunning when done for the wedding with the pink dress she was to wear.

PigeonLittle · 04/01/2022 09:19

@Aquamarine1029

Do not even attend this wedding. Don't lower yourself.
This!
HeddaGarbled · 04/01/2022 09:27

If it’s your sister, and you love her, would it kill you to do this for her, as a gesture of love? Think of it like wearing sensible clothes for tea with your grandma, when normally you’d dress more wildly. It’s to show love and respect and that you care about how they feel, even if it’s not how you would normally dress. You’re not being asked to ‘change who you are’: that’s adolescent dramatics.

CareBear50 · 04/01/2022 09:27

I personally wouldn't want a bridesmaid w pink hair. However......I think they were rude. If they were that bothered they should just have allowed you to remain a normal guest