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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid...

132 replies

Bee97 · 04/01/2022 02:31

I was supposed to be a bridesmaid for a close family member however now I've been given the ultimatum that if I don't dye my hair a natural colour then I can only be a guest.
I have received frequent digs about my hair and tattoos since the engagement which has become heated today. Tbh I don't want to go at all if I'm not good enough being who I am.
Should I be expected to change who I am just to suit a brides personal view of coloured hair and tattoos?

OP posts:
FluffyBooBoo · 04/01/2022 05:18

Don't bow out - make sure it's their decision.

You don't want them to be able to tell people that you were asked and that you chose not to be a bridesmaid. Or if they do say that, at least you can say that it wasn't your choice.

But don't get involved in arguments. Just be clear that you will not be changing your hair to something normal, and that the rest is their decision.

bonetiredwithtwins · 04/01/2022 05:19

I'm presuming she is your sister.....I wouldn't want my sister as a bridesmaid with pink hair either OP sorry... if it's fuscia bright pink it's rather attention seeking

Simonjt · 04/01/2022 05:42

Sounds like the bride is an attention seeker, say no and keep away from her.

solbunny · 04/01/2022 05:59

I really have never understood people who care about the way other people look in their wedding photos. My wedding photos are special to me because I married the love of my life and I love to look back at that moment and also to see my family and friends were there. I have never even given a second thought to how anybody else looks in them, or if everyone's aesthetic ties in. It's a real life wedding, not a staged photoshoot for a magazine!

Your bridesmaids are surely your closest friends not just who you think will look nice in pictures? It seems very sad to me to care about the "aesthetic" of your wedding party Sad

PersonaNonGarter · 04/01/2022 06:10

Don’t change your hair.
Go to the wedding.

Be INCREDIBLY CHARMING and gracious about it all.
The bride will look a dick. And later when she looks back in this she will feel really embarrassed. You will look dignified and good natured.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 06:13

The only thing I can possibly understand asking someone to change about their appearance is getting something to cover up a rude/offensive tattoo. I'd decline and say you are unable to attend the wedding and make sure you book something nice to do that day.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 06:17

@bonetiredwithtwins

I'm presuming she is your sister.....I wouldn't want my sister as a bridesmaid with pink hair either OP sorry... if it's fuscia bright pink it's rather attention seeking
But as long as the OP hasn't dyed her hair especially pink for the wedding and the bride has known she has pink hair for a while then when she asked she would have known her hair was pink.

And the bride might presumably be in a white dress and glammed up? If so then no one is even going to note the pink hair unless they are particularly fussy.

Offmyfence · 04/01/2022 06:19

@bonetiredwithtwins

I'm presuming she is your sister.....I wouldn't want my sister as a bridesmaid with pink hair either OP sorry... if it's fuscia bright pink it's rather attention seeking
I find this very odd! You would know your sister had pink hair when you asked her?
LadyPropane · 04/01/2022 06:23

I hate the term "bridezilla" but I do think there is a very strange realm that some people go to when planning a wedding. They seem to lose sight of reality.

I'm sure this "friend" will look back on this a year or two after her wedding and absolutely cringe at her ridiculous behaviour.

I would be tempted to not go to the wedding at all tbh. Their behaviour is unpleasant and I bet this won't be the last weird and unreasonable request you get for "their special day". Just bow out now and save yourself the drama.

Grizzlydog · 04/01/2022 06:24

Don't go at all, how insulting.

NotMaryWhitehouse · 04/01/2022 06:29

@LadyPropane

I hate the term "bridezilla" but I do think there is a very strange realm that some people go to when planning a wedding. They seem to lose sight of reality.

I'm sure this "friend" will look back on this a year or two after her wedding and absolutely cringe at her ridiculous behaviour.

I would be tempted to not go to the wedding at all tbh. Their behaviour is unpleasant and I bet this won't be the last weird and unreasonable request you get for "their special day". Just bow out now and save yourself the drama.

It is my experience that the more insane the wedding, the shorter the marriage......!
Youngstreet · 04/01/2022 07:00

I would reply with my hair will be a natural colour on the day. Then I would wear an obvious wig!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/01/2022 07:10

Wasn’t this a thread a month or so ago? A woman said her friend couldn’t ask her bridesmaid to change her hair and cover her tatts

workingtheusername · 04/01/2022 07:11

I'd decline, if bride chose you then they should accept you as you are. How rude to imply you are unsuitable due to your hair or tattoos. I would say no thank you and attend as a guest with head held high.

ShadowGirls · 04/01/2022 07:18

They take you for who you are or not at all

BurnedToast · 04/01/2022 07:19

Having been a BM I would never do so again. It's a massive PITA. I'd just say you've decided to be a guest and enjoy the wedding.

Panda8383 · 04/01/2022 07:23

My chief bridesmaid had bright red hair and covered in tattoos and I had 3/4 dress which showed her leg tattoos, when i asked her and we picked the dress she said did I not mind her tattoos showing..to me that was her and wouldn’t have had her any other way or tried to change anything about her, if they weren’t happy having you for you they shouldn’t have asked and don’t change for anyone x

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 04/01/2022 07:26

God, people are such dicks about weddings. OP, politely step back and go as a guest. You'll enjoy it more!

Nomoreporridge872 · 04/01/2022 07:34

I bet you look great. Just politely say you’ll be a guest rather than a bridesmaid and wish them the best

Pottedpalm · 04/01/2022 07:51

I wouldn’t want a bridesmaid with pink hair and obvious tattoos, but then I wouldn't have asked you to be a bridesmaid.

UsernameInTheTown · 04/01/2022 07:55

Buy a fugly synthetic cheapo wig in natural shades just for the laugh.

colourfulpuddles · 04/01/2022 07:58

Well I personally wouldn’t have asked you in the first place as I wouldn’t want someone with tattoos or unnatural hair colours, but since she did, yes SIBU.

ZenNudist · 04/01/2022 08:00

Don't go? Certainly sounds like a toxic friend

Nathlash · 04/01/2022 08:02

Those who say they wouldn’t want a bridesmaid with pink hair and tattoos, why not?

Suprima · 04/01/2022 08:05

I find it a bit sad that your identity is tied up so much in dying your hair bright colours that you consider it ‘changing who you are’. I wouldn’t want a magenta haired bridesmaid either.

I will be asking a friend who frequently dies her hair unnatural colours to be my bridesmaid. We have discussed it in the past and she has come out first and said she would obviously tone it down. Because it will be back to green or blue the day after, no big deal. She doesn’t see it as infringing on her human rights at all and it’s slightly odd and precious that you do Confused

Of course lots of posters will back you up and call her a bridezilla wanker, because like the giant mumsnet salad of competitive underrating- people love to compete for the lowest key, unfussy ‘I let my bridesmaid wear an Asda tracksuit because she is my friend and i care about her presence more than anything!!!’ wedding.

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