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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Noisy DP after DD goes to bed

107 replies

Fluth · 03/01/2022 20:51

I live with my DP and DD (not his) She is 9 so old enough, however, she has always been such a bad sleeper, scared at bedtime etc

I fully get maybe I may be BU about this but wanted to check.

We've only been living with my DP 18 months. I ask him to try and be quiet after she goes down but he says she needs to just get used to it (maybe she does) but i have 7 years of treading on eggshells as to not make bedtime bad therefore putting a massive strain on me when the evening is my only down time (single parent before DP)

For example, he unloads the dishwasher after she goes to sleep, and honestly slams the plates and cutlery. I get that its good he is doing that (well, i feel only fair as i cook) but whyyyy now. He has a good hour or 2 after dinner and pre dd's bedtime.

That is just one example, its tv on loud or generally talking loud near her room etc and it internally tortures me as i am filled with dread that she will use that to get up and prolong bedtime.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 03/01/2022 20:54

If he is deliberately clattering he is bu. But tip toeing round a 9yo is unreasonable also.

LittleBearPad · 03/01/2022 20:55

Yes I’m afraid you are. She’s 9. She can cope with some noise. I doubt he’s slamming plates down as that would rapidly become expensive! He can perhaps be a bit quieter but he doesn’t need to creep around either.

RedCandyApple · 03/01/2022 20:57

Hmm I don’t know I can’t imagine sneaking around when my kids are in bed that sounds exhausting

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 03/01/2022 20:57

Ask yourself seriously if you have genuine concerns your dp isn't treating your dd how you wished he would though..

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 03/01/2022 20:57

Is he really making excessive amounts of noise? Or are you just hypersensitive to it having tiptoed around your DD for years?

Honestly I think you’re doing her no favours by not letting her get used to ‘normal’ noise. What happens when she goes to uni, or moves into a flat that’s near a busy road? It’ll be a nightmare.

Not that I’m sure what you can do to help there, but it sounds like you’re trying to enforce silence which is not reasonable.

FortunesFave · 03/01/2022 20:57

I think you sound a bit stuck OP. Stuck in the baby years of being tortured and tired. Even the language you're using "Going down" is the language people use with babies and sleep...not 9 year olds!

At 9 she's old enough to understand that bedtime is bedtime and life is not silent.

There will always be disturbances. When she sleeps with friends later (if she's not already having sleepovers) there will be odd, loud or new noises to cope with.

Is DD complaining? Is she actually getting up and saying the noise is keeping her awake? And why are you so scared of her getting up?

maffhew · 03/01/2022 20:58

If someone is sleeping, age is irrelevant, then you surely keep the noise down?

MsChatterbox · 03/01/2022 20:59

You could always get a white noise machine for her room? This might make you feel less nervous. Has she actually woken up from the noise? Sometimes I think the thought of things is worse than the reality and it's only when you've been reassured over and over she will sleep through it that you can start to relax.

LawnFever · 03/01/2022 21:01

I think you’re being unreasonable, she’s 9, nobody should be creeping around after her bedtime.

Is he actually waking her up or is this just something you’re worrying about yourself?

Hankunamatata · 03/01/2022 21:02

Yeah yabu. Get her white noise machine or something. I unload dishwasher and do most household chores when kids have gone to bed

JustWonderingIfYou · 03/01/2022 21:03

She's 9!

Stop tip toeing around her. If she gets up tell her to go back to bed. Surely hearing you and dp in the house should actual reassure her as she knows she's not alone?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2022 21:04

It sounds like he's deliberately being noisy, what is their relationship like the rest of the time?

mrsm43s · 03/01/2022 21:08

Things like emptying dishwashers, having the TV on (at the same volume as during the day) and talking (at the same volume as during the day) outside a bedroom are normal household noise.

Your DP is acting normally. YABU and precious. You have done your DD no favours tip toeing around her. She should be able to sleep through normal household noise. She's 9, just tell her to go back to bed if she gets up.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 03/01/2022 21:08

I wouldn't expect silence but I do think it's reasonable to keep the noise down after someone/anyone has gone to bed. TV on yes but lower volume, talking yes, but not right outside their bedroom. Start making lots of noise while he's trying to have a lie in, see how he likes it.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 03/01/2022 21:09

Make the same level of noise when he is in bed and see if it disturbs him, i.e. note the volume of the tv & put it on the same, clatter around in the kitchen, flush the loo & clean the bathroom etc.

If he complains that you have woken/disturbed him, then he is being unreasonable expecting your dd not to be disturbed by what he does. And point this out.

Rosebel · 03/01/2022 21:11

I think you need to let her get used to noise. I know someone who's parents kept the house quiet and dark and now she has to use ear plugs and a night mask. She wishes her parents had made more noise when she was young.
Is your partner generally kind to your DD and does he treat her well?

mrsm43s · 03/01/2022 21:14

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Make the same level of noise when he is in bed and see if it disturbs him, i.e. note the volume of the tv & put it on the same, clatter around in the kitchen, flush the loo & clean the bathroom etc.

If he complains that you have woken/disturbed him, then he is being unreasonable expecting your dd not to be disturbed by what he does. And point this out.

But surely just about everyone can sleep through normal household noise?

I don't know anyone who would be woken by normal volume tv on the floor below, normal volume talking in the hallway outside a room or unloading a dishwasher on the floor below, a flushing loo or someone cleaning a bathroom.

Practising drums or drilling into a wall would be unreasonable, but not normal, everyday noise!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/01/2022 21:15

YANBU
I'm a light sleeper, always have been. Banging and crashing and loud talking near my room would wake me now and would have done at 9. He's being a twat.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/01/2022 21:16

But surely just about everyone can sleep through normal household noise? no

I don't know anyone who would be woken by normal volume tv on the floor below, normal volume talking in the hallway outside a room or unloading a dishwasher on the floor below, a flushing loo or someone cleaning a bathroom.

I would

BoodleBug51 · 03/01/2022 21:22

This has to be a wind up, surely?

I thought OP was going to say 9 months Shock

Genevie82 · 03/01/2022 21:30

Op- can you tell us if your DC has been disturbed by the noise on occasions or not?

I have sympathy with you about this but I have much younger children and yes we keep the house quiet once they are in bed … if she’s never been woken by the noise of him clattering about etc then I think this has now moved onto it being your issue after years of anxiety rather than Dc anymore… time to relax abit 💐
Saying that is she is actually not sleeping as she can hear stuff going on then he needs to knock it off !! Her age doesn’t matter x

Momicrone · 03/01/2022 21:30

A quiet house in the evening is good for everyone winding down if you've got kids

Obsidiansphere · 03/01/2022 21:34

Yanbu…I can’t stand noise and wake very easily as does my dd and I’ve just ordered us ear plugs to help when the downstairs neighbours are loud.

Simonjt · 03/01/2022 21:37

She’s 9, even if a noise does wake her she is old enough to stay in bed and go back to sleep. Being silent because a 9 year old is asleep really isn’t normal.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 03/01/2022 21:37

On Xmas eve I vacuumed ds7's room - he never flinched
Grin